Floater's diary

Llama said:
Excellent. Sucks about the meals as well but I hope you can get those refunded.
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The store said I'll get new products, even though I didn't store the receipts. It's only 4-ish euros of stuff that turned inedible, but in my financial situation it does matter. And what products I could rinse off were all edible after, and my backpack perhaps needed a wash anyway, so let's just be happy for a kind grocery clerk <3
 
The job sounds very promising & it does sound like you're the best applicant so far. That sucks about the leaking food but kudos to a kind grocery clerk.
 
I have not left my home in over 48 hours and the thought of a deep period of depression seems like a relief. One is coming anyway, why fight it?
 
Floater said:
I have not left my home in over 48 hours and the thought of a deep period of depression seems like a relief. One is coming anyway, why fight it?
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Once I got a messy social situation all sorted in my head, and how it impacted my well-being, and how stressed I am about the possible job, I feel much better now. I even ate a proper, although carb-heavy meal for the first time in a few days. :) I´ll be fine! I even mustered the courage to take out my trash. It´s not the same as a long walk or the gym, but I´ll be OK.
 
I need to arrange my thoughts for a bit. Here goes.

I really wanted that job. I got good feedback. But the stress from just going there for one day threw me completely off my rocker. I am mentally ill and autistic, the latter one is a permanent feature and the former one is, well, somewhat treatable but realistically I can´t be "cured" from that either. If I were to accept the job, it would mess up my finances, treatment options and probably also my health. It´s depressing, but it´s just the reality I live in.

After the job interview I was elated for a few days, then had a bender, intense feelings of guilt about that, attended some support groups which just messed me up worse, and it took a lot of convincing from both friends and my autism assistance workers that I need to quit going to the groups because they were visibly affecting my mental health. I quit eating and sleeping and I haven´t left my home since Monday. Going outside feels uninteresting, pointless, and scary. I have contacted my psychiatric nurse and she´ll call me on Monday. This chain of events is due to the immense stress the job prospect put me under. I have been crying and sending really weird, self-loathing messages to my priest which, in all fairness, is kind of in her ballpark and she knows I´m bat-shit insane and can probably put things into perspective, so I don´t doubt that our relationship is either unaffected or fixable. But it´s still scary to snap into the mind of a frightened child and just... React so strongly and out of proportion to something most people would be 100% happy and unbothered about.

Yesterday I was starting to get back to normal, today I´d say I´m mostly back to normal. And with that normalcy comes sadness. I want to be just like everyone else but I can´t. I can´t reasonably live having to choose between eating, sleeping, and exercising OR going to work. I´s not sustainable. As crazy as it may sound, accepting the job now would be a form of self-harm. I want it, but I have to be realistic and make choices that support my health. Without my health I have nothing, not even a job.

EDIT: also, a big factor in wanting to accept the job was to have better chances at the trans clinic, and to have a better chance at finding a life partner, because frankly, that´s very hard for someone who doesn´t work and has no income other than disability payments. But I won´t be able to transition or be in a relationship either if I´m in a constant state of autistic burnout. What a fucking joke I am. I had a phone call with a social worker yesterday and she was pretty straightforward about my situation, too. I´ll lose all my benefits if I accept the job. She suggested I look into "experience expert" training programs, they are meant for people like me who can communicate the needs of specific patient groups in the training of doctors, social workers, and so on. I´m afraid it´s my best chance to give something back to society.
 
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First off: so many people failed you for so long society is nowhere close to paying off its debt to you. Apart from that: jobs can be fulfillibg but you are absolutely right that self care has to be your number one concern.
 
I can see that accepting the job would do you more harm than good & self-care is much more important than any expectations that you think society may have. You owe nothing. I'm really glad you are feeling more yourself. We care about you & value you, the you that we have got to know & like. Just as you are!
How is Heikki going? Does he cuddle? I really want to send you a great big hug! :grouphug:
 
Thanks for the hug @Cate ! Heikki is doing well, he cuddles a bit (short attention span lol), and trims my cuticles and nibbles on my nose. I've started to give him 3-5 sunflower seeds per day as I want him to gain some weight. He's gotten very good at getting his face gently scritched. He peed on my bedcover yesterday, I'm glad I bought it, it's easy to wash and dries quickly.
 
Yay I installed the first of Heikki´s new, wooden shelves! Three to go. I need some stuff from the hardware store first.

I keep thinking about that job and if I should try it after all. Harrowing. I´d be risking a lot for very little pay. Am I so drawn to it because I want to be part of normal society, or am I drawn to it out of the genuine desire to become a dog groomer? Both? Is the risk worth taking? IDK. I wish someone else could decide for me.

I had a truly bizarre experience when I called the church helpline today to mull over this work situation. The helpline person was some dude who didn´t listen to me at all, kept asking me if I think society should take care of everything, and dismissed my illnesses, claimed he had been in a similar situation, and that he had cured himself in 12 steps groups. I was like wtf and got upset which made him leer at me and he literally told me to go stand in front of a mirror and look at... At which point I cut him off and told him to go fuck himself and I could hear him laughing on the other side wtf?! Is the dude there to troll or to recruit people into his groups? I left some fiery feedback. Unacceptable, disgusting, and cruel. Dude was most definitely getting a kick out of it. *shudder* That kind of an attitude on a helpline volunteer could seriously lead to someone harming themselves.

Food has been OK today, kiddie meal stuff but at least I have eaten and my appetite is reasonably good.
 
What a horrible person. Don't volunteer for a helpline when you're not even ready to take people seriously. I hope someone important enough sees your feedback and chews him out thoroughly.
 
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