Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks for the well-wishes Cate and Sunflower. I appreciate it. Mwah x

M3, D1:

1. How did today go?
Month 3 my friends, month 3. 1/3 of the way there. Haha. I've got off to a very slow start.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Weight - 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds.

Cigs - 12. Yeah, interview day was not the day to quit. But I am planning a smoke-free day tomorrow. Just starting with tomorrow. That's all.

Today's food: White tea - defends against the breakdown of collagen and elastin. I really like the taste also.

- porridge, blackberries, chia seeds, milk; 1 slice toast with butter and half a banana (the breakfast of champions before my interview)
- chamomile tea; echinacea tea (no caffeine before interview)
- Moroccan-style pizza with pulled pork, onions, parsley, tomato, cheese; americano and milk
- Galaxy minstrels and Galaxy caramel
- white tea

Did an interval run before interview. Felt great after it.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Hmm. I don't know. The interview went fine, it's so hard to tell. I will hear about it at the end of next week (such a long, drawn-out process), then I get to stage 2. Stage 3 is a plane ride and interview on site. I feel if I get to the 3rd stage, I have a great chance. I can be very charming in real life. ;)

Absolutely exhausted after it, but have a low key day planned tomorrow, hoping to get an excellent night's sleep, have an early afternoon gym session and tennis in the evening. Have chicken and fish defrosting in the fridge for all homecooked meals tomorrow.
 
A plane ride?! Maybe you are an x-factor contestant after all...
 
Oh no, they're on to me. :leaving:

M3, D2:

1. How did today go?
Felt a little bit tired today. Not much happened. I read a lot of my book Lost Illusions. Hoping that my own illusions will not be lost.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Going to tennis soon.

Food was nearly perfect. Nearly.
Today's food: Kale
Kale heals and clears skin, boosts cell turnover.

- porridge, milk, blackberries, flaxseed; 1 slice toast with butter and half a banana; coffee and milk
- spring vegetable soup; 1 slice brown bread and butter
- jam and cream bun; coffee and milk
- grilled salmon, kale, mangetout, 1 small potato
- echinacea tea; chamomile tea

Weight was 11 stone 4 3/4 pounds.

Cigs: 7. Just not ready.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Hmm, not really.
 
Hey Sunflower, yes, the French book. I can relate to Lucien, having no money, but dining out all the time. ;)

M2, D2 amendments: 8 cigs.

M2, D3:

1. How did today go?
Today was a typically shitty Friday. I am actually not feeling very well at all. Have the sniffles, developed a headache earlier, had a to take an afternoon nap, didn't exercise, all bad bad signs. Is it normal to be so low on energy at my age? Anyway, have a comedy gig planned with friends tomorrow evening, working in the yoga centre on Sunday morning, and am actually working (gasp!) on Monday and then have more time at the yoga centre in the evening and might go to the last yoga class while I'm there. So a busy few days before me. Which is great.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Chronic.
No exercise. Food was terrible.

Cigs: 12
Weight: 11 stone 4 3/4 pounds

Today's food: Ginger
Ginger reduces inflammation, slows cell aging.

- porridge, blackberries, chia seeds, milk
- real ginger tea with a spoonful of manuka honey to fight the cold
- I found a delightful chocolate shop on my daily travels to town today, had a coffee and 2 macaroons (how French and made by a French dude) - one vanilla, one chocolate
- But oh! that sweet taste of sugary decadence led me to the doughnut shop, where I bought and subsequently devoured a kinder bueno doughnut AND a vanilla glace doughnut.
- Really bad quality 100g bar of milk chocolate.
- Then I decided, even though I have a cold/possibly flu coming on, that I might try to drown it with alcohol. Had a 330ml beer, 500ml cider, and a bottle of glühwein (9.2% alcohol - trying to reduce alcohol-dependency!).
- Got hungry along the way and made a lovely mixup of onion, peppers, vine tomatoes and mushrooms with a healthy sprinkling of chilli powder layered over 2 slices of toast and butter. So delicious.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
When I was in the delightful chocolate shop today, a girl came in. She had a massive scar on her face and she started talking to the lovely man that runs the place. She was telling him that she has autism and because she is special needs, she is finding it very difficult to get part-time work. Then she told this story about how she had got hired somewhere by the owner, but when his daughter found out about it and heard that she was autistic, she said 'No way!' So the whole thing fell through. But this poor girl couldn't understand it, because the daughter had knowingly adopted a child that was also autistic but was still denying her a chance, even though her kid will probably also one day be looking for a part-time job. Anyway, that stood out to me for the day.

I know I am incredibly lucky - all of my problems are self-inflicted - I actually have no problems. I'm in the prime of my life, I am healthy, my BMI is in the normal range, I can run a 5k easily, I'm educated, I have a good CV, I could probably go out tonight and someone would chat me up. And yet, and yet...
 
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And yet... we learn to tell ourselves hurtful things all the time. I wish there was a way to change that. A little kindness goes a long way - with yourself as well as with others.
 
Hi LaMa, you're right. I think I am a lot kinder to myself than I used to be. I remember watching a brilliant programme on ITV I think, where a girl was suffering from trichotillomania, and she had got bullied at school, and the doctor told her that because the bullies had gone, she had started to bully herself. My binge eating triggered in college when I went away with a group for work placement and they weren't particularly nice to me, I felt like an outsider again all of a sudden, and I started buying packets of doughnuts and eating them in the restrooms of hotels. It was a horrid period.

M2, D4 amendments: The glühwein was actually 9.5%. Better that than 13.5%, which is the usual.

M2, D5:

1. How did today go?
I think I made a new friend. It didn't go well in any other respect.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Interval run. Weighed in at 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds.

Today's food: cayenne pepper which boosts immunity and metabolism
- scrambled eggs, cayenne pepper, peppers, tomato, 2 slices toast and butter
- mint tea (with real mint leaves - delicious)
- can of coke; can of club orange
- chicken stir-fry with brown rice, peppers, tomatoes, kale, garlic, ginger, onion, olive oil, carrot, tumeric, chillis, red pesto
- slice of margherita pizza
- 2 slices toast and butter with 2 cheese slices, vine tomatoes
- pints of beer = 4.75, half naggin whiskey and coke, bottle of Heineken, 2 x 330ml cans beer

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No, but I had a great night out tonight. It was really fun and I haven't been out properly in so long. I met 3 guys I was in primary school with, which was really great. They are all still recognisable. One of them got testicular cancer and is a ball down, but we are all surviving. It was good.
 
Glad to hear you had fun and may have made a new friend :) That´s important stuff, especially if you´ve had bad experiences in the past and are looking for a new job (which always means new people).
 
Thanks LaMa.

Sunflower - Yeah, sad that he had to go through it, but he looks back to full health now.

M2, D4 amendments: Didn't drink 1 of the 330ml cans of beer. Go me. 16 cigs.

M2, D5:

1. How did today go?
Eating feast. Sleep. So happy the weekend is over.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise.

Cigs 4
Weight 11 stone 6 1/4 pounds. Weight will be disastrous tomorrow.

- lemon and blueberry muffin; can of club orange
- pack of salt and vinegar crisps
- Margherita pizza
- McDonalds chicken legend with fries, ketchup, fanta
- milky way bar, drifter bar
- real mint tea
Today's food: mint - eases indigestion, promotes detox.

Ate so much crap but it was the only way to get through the day. Tomorrow I am working all day, so I won't be able to follow a proper plan cos I don't know what the canteen set up is and I have to go straight to the yoga centre after work, so won't even be able to have dinner. But Tuesday I will have the day to get back into my food and exercise routine. I am ready to just go for it this week.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I'm really beginning to hate this question, ha. The whole point of having it here is a daily reminder for myself - what do I really want? And I need to repeat it over and over to try to force myself to change.
 
Hi Sunflower - what a day! Arrived at 7:50am for my day of work, it was pissing rain outside and very difficult to get up, but I did it and I was ready to earn some lovely money. The woman at reception told me that she'd informed the recruitment agency that she actually didn't need me at all, so I just had to turn around and go home again. Very annoying and the woman wasn't really that apologetic, which irked me even more. So I just came home and went to bed again for a while. :(

M2, D6:

1. How did today go?
Continuing on from above...Went to the yoga place tonight, had a very irritating encounter with a girl who also volunteers there, but her night is meant to be Tuesday. But she was there super early, started mopping all the floors, opening up the rooms upstairs, all the stuff I'm meant to be doing. Then she started giving out to me for walking on the floor in my shoes when I was trying to sort out the mats and stuff for the class, and told me to let her know what I needed and she would get it for me. I felt like screaming at her, 'You're not meant to be here! This is not your day!' Then she asked me had I ever worked the hoover, and I said no, and she started hoovering and tripped the switch for the sockets, and for the whole evening, the switch kept tripping and I couldn't put on the heater beside me and I was freezing.

A few of the yoga teachers also started to complain to me about various things and I was like, 'I am not getting paid for this shit' (in my head). But in the end, I had a really nice chat with one of them, who as well as being a yoga teacher is also in a jazz band, which I thought was really cool. So the night ended on a good note.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Have a whole food plan set up for the week, am really excited about it, cannot wait to get back on track. This meant today that I didn't bother trying to be good, which of course is not a smart thing to do, but I feel motivated again and I know I will be back on track tomorrow.

Weight: 11 stone 8 1/2 pounds. Expected.
No exercise, just rage, which I'm sure burned a few calories.

Food:
Today's food: pineapple
Pineapple supports healthy hair color and a flat belly.

- some pineapple chunks; chocolate fruit and nut mix; mandarin
- toasted sandwich with butter, tomato, cheese, chicken, spinach, coleslaw and side of crisps; pot of tea and milk
- reese's peanut butter crunch bar
- egg salad sandwich
- Starbucks latte with shot of caramel
- fry's chocolate cream bar; twirl bar
- 2 cups tea and milk
- coffee and hemp milk
- chamomile tea

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
One day closer to knowing about the job. :)
 
Emilyrose said:
The woman at reception told me that she'd informed the recruitment agency that she actually didn't need me at all, so I just had to turn around and go home again. Very annoying and the woman wasn't really that apologetic, which irked me even more.
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:flame:

That´s really disrespectful, sorry your day started on such an annoying note.
 
Emilyrose said:
The woman at reception told me that she'd informed the recruitment agency that she actually didn't need me at all, so I just had to turn around and go home again. Very annoying and the woman wasn't really that apologetic, which irked me even more.
Click to expand...
How rude & inconsiderate. I'm glad you were able to get some positives out of your day Emily! Well done hon.
 
Thanks guys, yeah, I bet she's having a bad day today. ;)

Butterfly, of course! Work away.

M3, D6 amendments: Smoked 11 cigs.

M3, D7:

1. How did today go?
Stupidly decided to follow a diet plan from a women's fitness magazine today. How many times must I try these 'diet plans' to realise that they do not work! For one thing, high protein, low carbs just doesn't work for me. I call lies on any dietician/magazine article that claims that protein fills you up - it doesn't. Not for me anyway. You can clearly see from my food diary when I was following it and when I decided that it's not worth having no energy and feeling awful to lose weight.

What I know I need to do is keep all the healthy carbs I want, but cut out the sugar. It's really the sugar that is keeping me at this weight. I mean, this weight isn't even that bad. It's great in fact, coming from where I was, which was slightly over 14 stone. But that was a long time ago, and for reasons of complete vanity, I want to press on, and get to the next level. And I am finding it so, so hard.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Exercise has gone by the wayside also - once I have any break at all, I lose all interest in it. I really need to do something tomorrow. I have a choice of either spin for 30 min tomorrow or a pilates class around lunchtime - completely doable. It looks impossible at this moment, but I just hope the determined side of my mind takes over tomorrow and pushes me out the door. It was like clockwork there for a while, need to find my rhythm again.

Cigs update tomorrow.

Weight was a surprising 11 stone 5 3/4 pounds.

Today's food: avocado - detoxifies, supports skin hydration.

- smoothie with vanilla protein powder, avocado, pineapple, banana, spinach and coconut water
- handful of almonds; apple
- grilled chicken breast with parsley, mint, tomatoes, red pepper, cucumber and lemon juice
- rooibos vanilla tea; white tea
- 2 rice cakes with peanut butter
- fries, double cheeseburger, ketchup, mayo
- approx. 20 pick 'n' mix sweets; americano and milk
- chamomile tea

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
My head is in a bit of a tizz over the job. I'm starting to panic that I won't get it, what will I do then, blah blah blah. Silly really, but it's messing with my equilibrium a little bit. It's just really important to me.
 
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Being nervous when you're applying for something that's important to you is fully normal, fingers are being crossed over here.
The exercise thing? I know that so well! I really, really enjoy exercising but as soon as I'm away from it for more than two weeks it begins to look awfully tedious again and I don't want to start.
 
I find protein fills me up IF I eat smaller meals throughout the day that are high protein. It also takes a couple of weeks for me to get out of the 'need carbs' stage that leave me super hungry. I usually find healthy carbs (no bread/minimal grain/veg = endless supply) works better for me than trying the whole low carb craze.

I was reading that it can actually be harder to get back into exercising than to start and that your body tends to make you work harder to lose weight after you've stopped exercising and started again. Cannot for the life of me remember anything else but I believe it - It is taking me a LOT longer to get back into running long distance (15+km) this time around - some is probably age and the pregnancy weight around my stomach along with just being tired running after kiddos all day). I think part of it is mental though - you're used to being able to do so many reps or minutes and after a couple of weeks of doing nothing, you can't do the same amount and get discouraged quickly (or at least, I do).

Good luck with your application!
 
Annoying, some of my post deleted. Anyway -

Thanks LaMa. Please cross your toes also!!!

Hi Sam. I think I struggle with being hungry and also being a functional human being. I get extremely down. I don't know if that's normal or not, but it's just how I operate.

M3, D7: 8 cigs.

M3, D8:

1. How did today go?
Today was actually really good. I cleaned the whole house, cleaned my room, and it's done me the world of good. I feel calm, at peace, zen, all those good things.

I also read a really interesting quote today:
'The ego wants to be right; the ego always wants to win.'
I definitely operate from my ego way too much. I mean, part of the reason I want this 'hot body' is so I can parade around town in front of all the men I feel have let me down/slighted me, and for them to think, 'Wow, Emily's amazing, I really messed up there.' Which is so ridiculous and childish. So I need to try to stop this form of thinking, and instead focus on wanting to treat my body with respect, wanting to feel energised and happy and relaxed, wanting to be open and have nothing holding me back, etc. It's tough to change. (And yeah, I will still want to kind of 'win' as well.)

2. How was your food and exercise?
Attempted a run today but my stomach went a bit crazy and I thought I was going to poo my pants, so I had to stop. Haha, how awful. Going to attempt another run tomorrow.

Cigs: 12
Weight: 11 stone 5 3/4 pounds

Today's food:
- porridge, blackberries, banana, maca powder, flaxseed, milk; coffee and milk
- apple cream cake; creme egg
My housemate made dinner for me and two of her friends, it was so delicious:
- 1 1/2 tomato bruschettas, 1 1/2 beetroot and goat's cheese bruschettas, 2 slices crusty bread with butter; parsnip and chilli pepper soup
- salted caramel ice cream, mango, 2 chocolate chip cookies; coffee and milk
- chamomile tea; sparkling water and mint

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No, but I have a nice, tidy house, and that is an ongoing goal in my life that I am finally getting to grips with.
 
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