Emily Rose: The Reboot

Its good that you have parents you can move back in with, that should make you feel good. Not everyone does. I am sure its only temporary, so enjoy it while you can!
 
Hi Amy, Message Guy is a different guy, but I haven't heard back from him, so we're still really on one guy, haha.

Hi OLF, I wasn't trying to target one specific person or method. I know you do intermittent fasting and if that is working well for you, then I am all for it. I just mean I know women around my age that just look not even underweight or anything, but you can tell that they are lacking in a little bit of nutrients and body fat and even thought they are the perfect Hollywood size, they would probably look better being slightly rounder. It's probably an age thing as well - you can get away with completely skinny when you still are very young. I just think it's easy to tell if someone is naturally petite and someone who is really restricting to be petite. And I also think Hollywood have us totally fooled. All of the older American actresses who are bone thin at 50 and also look amazing have the best make-up/stylists out there. Jennifer Lopez is a great example of someone who is very thin but looks like she works out a lot and eats properly. Her body is insane.

Thanks for the info LaMa, I appreciate it.

My friend has the thing in her arm Petal, could be the best option for me.

You are right Rob, I am lucky in that regard. I am viewing a place in a few weeks though that looks promising, so it might not come to that yet.

Great day in work today, we had a laugh.

Nothing to do with the laugh part of the day - one of the women decided to ask our colleague if she was pregnant, because she's gained a bit of weight. People are so crazy!! Never ask someone that question, never. I wasn't there when this happened, thank God. The girl accused of being pregnant is one of the most stunning girls ever, I hope this doesn't get her to question that. I just know if that was me, I would be so upset.

I am so happy it's the weekend! I honestly love the feeling of FREEDOM! I am going on a massive walk tomorrow and potentially a swim/jacuzzi or steam room session as well. Some women get their nails done, for me, the pool is where it's at. I just leave feeling like a ton of stress and toxins are gone.

I mentioned earlier to Rob that I have a new viewing for a really lovely house coming up in a few weeks. I have a good feeling about it, and it's better that it's happening later in the month, because I just paid my month's rent. It's also in a great location, within walking distance to so many shops/nice cafes/the park. So fingers crossed.

All in all, thinking about the year I've had with two months to go, it's been so positive for me. I really feel like I'm getting there. And by ''there'', I mean ''here''.

I also watched a really cool video of Matt Damon last night, I loved what he had to say, here it is. Even if you have no interest in acting, the message is fantastic:

 
Emilyrose said:
... Hi OLF, I wasn't trying to target one specific person or method. I know you do intermittent fasting and if that is working well for you, then I am all for it. I just mean I know women around my age that just look not even underweight or anything, but you can tell that they are lacking in a little bit of nutrients and body fat and even thought they are the perfect Hollywood size, they would probably look better being slightly rounder. ...
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i'm not sure i'd rule out stress as a factor in an unhealthy look... especially in maintaining a "Hollywood" size... especially if that is combined with a Hollywood schedule. diet isn't everything.

going through some of your pages, i just noticed that you referred to a 500 calorie deficit as a calorie restrictive diet. i was just wondering what you considered as "heavily restrictive". some people equate fasting to a restrictive diet. i won't say i don't eat less than i may have a year ago, but 99% of the day i'm not hungry.

personally i never found calorie restriction to be an effective dieting method. 30 years ago i was in my 30's, too. i still played softball, tennis when i could find a partner and was even in a 30+ soccer league so i didn't really pile the weight on, but it gradually built up over time. throughout that time i tried dieting... cutting out pizza for a while, but again... it only seemed to slow things down. i bought into all the "low fat" dieting rhetoric.
 
overlandflyer said:
i just noticed that you referred to a 500 calorie deficit as a calorie restrictive diet. i was just wondering what you considered as "heavily restrictive".
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If you're consciously eating 500 calories less than you'd need for maintenance you're restricting calories, that's all that phrase means. Doesn't mean it's overly restrictive, which for me would be when you're not getting all you need from your food to stay healthy long term.
 
Em sounds like you are doing ok . Good luck with house hunting and I love the sound of your weekend. I agree nails and all that stuff a waste to me . Enjoy
 
OLF - I suppose what I imagine when I use the word ''restrictive'' is someone that eats very low calorie meals regularly, is always following a new fad, and as a result, never feels full or looks satisfied. So they eat ''normally'' from an outsider's perspective, but if you dig deeper, they are surviving on maybe 1000 calories a day and exercising a lot on top of that. I have known these women, I have attempted to be one and failed miserably, but they look like they need a bit more nourishment to me. Nothing to do with your approach really.

Thanks LaMa and Petal.

I bought a new book today that caught my eye - it's called Commit! and written by Enda McNulty. I saw it earlier in the day and that word ''Commit'' just called out to me. I picked up the book, had a flick through, and put it down. But later, I read a couple of reviews of it on Amazon and decided to go back and buy it.

Anyway, the word ''commit'' is such a powerful one and it is something that I want to do. I committed to myself this morning that I wouldn't drink wine or smoke today, and while I was really tempted to, I stuck with it. The off license is closed now and I won't be tearing myself out of bed at this time to buy smokes.

I made out my first COMMIT - Come on Em, Move it Today! - plan for tomorrow earlier this evening. I'm going to take it day by day. Some days I will drink alcohol, some days I will smoke, but the key thing is to make that COMMIT plan and stick to it.

Because I haven't been cooking or exercising lately, I've had loads of time for faffing around on the internet and watching movies.

I was shocked when I made out my plan for tomorrow to see that I have no time for any ''chill time.'' Which I've had plenty of today anyway.

My basic plan is get up, nutritious breakfast, really long walk, shower, healthy snack, prep Monday's lunch, prep for the play, youtube yoga, dinner, go to Ian's house to go through our scene, main rehearsal, make out COMMIT Day 2 plan, sleep. Day has completely disappeared.

Anyway, let's see how this approach goes, it's fun to attempt something new anyway.
 
Hi, Em. I love your new approach. Committing to look after yourself is a great plan. I have been faffing about the last few days & am going to commit to a few things too. I hope your week goes really well xo
 
Hi, Emily! I like your acronym. :D And i like your planning and committing a day at a time system, too.
I'm a bit woozy at the moment with this coldy thing, so not able to make very sensible comments (e.g. I just stared at the phrase "youtube yoga" thinking "tuba yoga? how would that work?) but good on you, and cheers for Sunday - and the week, come to that!
 
I agree with Amy, its a great acronym! I'll remember it.

Quitting smoking is a tough thing to do, I have never smoked cigarettes but I have many friends and family who do or did. I've seen their struggles, at least you have a plan, good luck with it. I do have to confess however that I have the occasional cigar, not a habit though. I think most cigar smokers are not addicted. I can imagine that if I did smoke even close to as frequently as most cigarette smokers it would be a problem.
 
Hi Em! Reading through your diary, I am happy you didn't try to do all those challenges on top of each other! That sounds like a bootcamp I wouldn't be able to keep up with, and I agree, I would love to hear about your Commit book, too! Glad things are going so well with SG! Are you moving because of cranky roommate? Hope you find a lovely place that's perfect for you!!
 
Hi guys, just a quick one.

I went to the pool this evening and this Moroccan guy that was there asked me if I was a professional swimmer. Lol!!! I did get a kick out of it, especially as I had a really bad day brought on by lack of sleep and also just a general feeling of being fed up. It’s actually a real motivator to keep it up!

I’m going through a patch where I am under scrutiny from a lot of different groups of people - work, housemates and of course, as director. It’s just too much at the moment, I feel very hemmed in and unhappy. It’s hard to rise above it and be yourself, when me being myself seems to be upsetting people.

It’s so emotionally draining and especially when my conscience is clear and it has not been my intention to cause people harm or bother or upset. I honestly feel like packing a bag and just giving up on the whole sorry lot.

I don’t know what to do. Help please.
 
Hi Em. So sorry you are feeling so frustrated and misunderstood. I've had a fair bit of people being annoyed with me because I wasn't good at social cues when I was younger, and I sometimes put my foot in my mouth unintentionally. Sometimes it was just that the people around me didn't appreciate me and they were annoyed for picky reasons, or our personalities clashed. All I could do was do my best and learn how to be more sensitive, and also learn what sorts of people are more sensitive to differences in a picky way. I actually lost my first boyfriend in art school (who I still am not completely over) because I did things he thought were obnoxious, and he was too indirect to tell me to my face. Instead he told his friends, who were then weird to me. I got mad and left because I felt I was outnumbered and didn't even know what I had done wrong. (This is the point in my life my social anxiety came back and hasn't really left completely since then, btw. Some of the things he was annoyed with were silly, but there was one huge thing I was doing that really needed fixing and I wish he had just told me and helped me work on it.)

If I could go back and fix things, I would ask what I was doing that was grating on people, and I would ask for forgiveness and talk to them about helping me work on getting along better with them. I think there were a bunch of expectations that I just didn't know about, too. Or if I thought they were being unreasonable, I would try to negotiate with them if I could.

One thing I notice, in situations where I have to direct people or tell people something I don't think they want to hear, if I am uncomfortable standing up for myself or taking charge, sometimes what I have to say comes out awkward and wrong and sometimes even a little offensive. I notice this with other women, too. If they have to ask for things they don't want to ask for and are uncomfortable, it can sometimes come off as rude when really it was just discomfort at having to be a in a bossy-seeming position. This is just a wild guess at what might be happening.

Are there neutral people who you could ask their perspective who know the situations that you are having trouble with? Could it also be your lack of sleep just making you less sensitive to what people are expecting? I am not very aware when I haven't had good sleep, even if it's just missing one night. Lately if it's 2 or more nights, I am a complete mess. Anyway, I am sorry you feel under so much pressure to be different. I hope you can get some good sleep and some perspective on things.

We all know you have a good heart and mean well!!!!
 
Em - I'm still not up to par, so not able to give much in the way of wise advice, but for what it's worth:
Sometimes things, including critical scrutiny from other people, can all just seem to pile up. Or not even "seem to" - random clumpings of things do occur. Please try to see it as a random clumping, not a set of things that reinforce each other, so that you feel hemmed in.
No wonder that you're feeling it - the critical housemate must have hit the worst, because of the actual physical upheaval and relocation, and I'm very sorry you went through that. But that was just a mismatch of styles (of house-sharing and of communication) not a sign of the need to give up on house-sharing in general - let alone "the whole sorry lot".
Also - being director is a hugely out-there position, but you wouldn't be there in the first place if people didn't have faith in you, in your vision for the play and in your strength to carry it through. Hugs and support for you to get a break to breathe and rediscover your equilibrium - and as Marsia says, to get good sleep, which pretty nearly always helps.
 
Emilyrose said:
It’s so emotionally draining and especially when my conscience is clear and it has not been my intention to cause people harm or bother or upset. I honestly feel like packing a bag and just giving up on the whole sorry lot.

I don’t know what to do. Help please.
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For what its worth so long as your conscience is clear its not your problem, its their problem. I know that can be hard to grab hold if, if those people are important in your life, but it is true. Try to remember that, and follow LaMa's advice.
 
Em you got good advice there and I didn’t want to read and run because I’m running late but we spoke before about work . Go in head down do your work and your hours and leave . For now . Also You mentioned moving home for a while . Can you just not go there for a bit and take yourself out of the housemate situation. I know you are moving soon anyway . I feel if you remove at least one stress it might be better .
 
Marsia said:
I actually lost my first boyfriend in art school (who I still am not completely over) because I did things he thought were obnoxious, and he was too indirect to tell me to my face. Instead he told his friends, who were then weird to me.

One thing I notice, in situations where I have to direct people or tell people something I don't think they want to hear, if I am uncomfortable standing up for myself or taking charge, sometimes what I have to say comes out awkward and wrong and sometimes even a little offensive. I notice this with other women, too. If they have to ask for things they don't want to ask for and are uncomfortable, it can sometimes come off as rude when really it was just discomfort at having to be a in a bossy-seeming position. This is just a wild guess at what might be happening.
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Hey Marsia. Just to address some of the stuff you said - I think your first boyfriend in art school, who let's face it, was always going to be a disaster, was a massive dick for telling his friends his problems with you, and for you to have to hear it secondhand (which is what I take from your comment). I think there is nothing to get over there, he sounds like a complete knob - write a goodbye letter to him, burn it in the fire, and banish him from your thoughts forever more!

The other comment is really interesting, but I've been completely fake and acting in my role as director to try to pacify people the last two rehearsals, and I am so depressed and angry over it that it is not worth it. I have compromised myself completely. And you know what? The notes I gave when I was a bit grumpy and giving active advice have really sunk into people's heads and they were so fantastic on Sunday. I don't want to do this if I can't be myself. So they are going to have to get over it.

And on the stuff about changing your whole personality so that people accept you - I have also decided that is not a way to live. And you shouldn't either. I imagine you as a mad creative type who might be slightly ditzy, which some people might not like, but the people you need in your life will absolutely love and admire.

Thanks Amy. Putting yourself out there is overrated, ha.

Haha, thanks LaMa, a mini life line got handed to me.

Thanks Rob. I don't know what to think really. I believe everything I just typed to Marsia but I'm finding navigating all the different people I encounter on a weekly basis now very tricky.

Petal - I can't be in a place for 35 hours a week and treat it like it's not important or have the people there not mean anything to me. I understand what you are saying, but I do not compartmentalise my life like that. I refuse to.

On the other question, we have visitors from the US for a few weeks, they have taken my spot. So have to stick with it for another while. My boss in work had the same suggestion, :).

I've already said quite a lot already I think. I went for a cervical check today. Never went before. I'm keeping on with this getting out of my comfort zone thing. The nurse was amazing, I was in the worst form, and she actually got me smiling even though I was getting a medical exam, lol. It wasn't too bad, painful for half a minute maybe. I actually did think about the fact that if you actually have to give birth to a child, it must be traumatic. Because, for me anyway, the brushing of the cervix part was very sore.

I am also superfat at the moment, been eating all my feelings, my face has swelled up bigtime. I am so sad right now. The girls in the office today were encouraging me to go running with them, that's when you know you look like an absolute meatball. I appreciated their efforts though.

I have to get it together.
 
The sensitivity of the cervix is why getting an IUD when you've never had kids hurts. It only lasts like 5 seconds so if your examination took half a minute of that I feel for you! Glad you had a great nurse though and good for you taking care of your health while stressed.
 
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