Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
On another note, I need advice. I lived with this girl who I had a falling out with. She moved out and we've met up a few times, but it's never got back to the way it was. Anyway, a letter came to the house for her a few weeks ago, I texted her to say it was here, and would I drop it up to her or she could collect it here. She got back to me a few days later to say she was on holiday but she would probably collect it the following week. That was over 3 weeks ago, she hasn't contacted me since, and the letter is still sitting in my hallway, annoying me. What should I do? Should I contact her again or just wait? This is exactly the kind of strange behaviour I have been encountering from various people all year and I'm sick of it.
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Do you have her current address? Forward it on to her current address or just drop it in her letterbox if it's convenient. Don't worry about it, Em.
Re: your family reunion. A lot of families just seem to say what they think, when they think. Let it go straight over your head. Thank them for their advice with a smile if you can. Bamboozle them. :)
 
Haha Cate, I asked my mum tonight and her advice was the exact same! Two very wise ladies. :)

Seriously exhausted, the reunion was very pleasant, had a lovely chat with one of my cousins and it was nice to see everyone looking so well.

Going to sleeeeeeep now and looking forward to waking up to a bright and happy day tomorrow. Night all.
 
That is funny, Em. Glad you enjoyed your night. I dread most functions but usually end up enjoying them.
 
Thank you Cate. I am feeling a bit blue today. I have my stuff for my lunch sorted, put on a wash, going for a swim in a while, but I'm just feeling a bit... empty.

This feeling won't go away until I start making the changes I know that I need to make, but it's that case of fear and pushing myself out of what's comfortable that is holding me back.

I'm sick of this constant battle with my body and mental health. I am ready for things to be different, to start enjoying the world again, but I am finding it very very difficult to let go. I've carried around so much guilt and shame for so long, and it's just becoming too heavy for me to bother with anymore.

I just want to get free.
 
It really does sound like it's time to see someone Em. I know I have recommended it before, but it really helped me to sort out my hangups. Having a battle with yourself is awful. Take care xo
 
Thanks Cate. How long were you seeing someone for?

I don't feel much better today sadly. Just sort of moping around. I distracted myself with work as much as I could, so I actually got a lot done.

One bit of good news is that I heard back from the job I applied for. The not so good part is that they got loads of applications so it will take them 'a number of weeks' to go through them all and make a shortlist. But at least I know that I'm still in the running at this stage, and to be honest, I'm not exactly in a 'winning' mindset right now, so if I do get called to interview, it gives me a bit of time to get into better form.

I do think I am in with a shot though, I think I wrote the best cover letter I've ever written. I tried to get my personality across, and it was very honest and I thought explained my CV and the choices I've made over the years very well. Since it is a public-facing job, I thought it was important to try to show what sort of person I am.

It would be magic if I got it. I'd be hauling that opening post up again and marking it in green:

Emilyrose said:
- Hot body
- Hot boyfriend
- Hot job

- No job. This one is hard because I lost my last job through no fault of my own. I really want to move abroad because I think it's a good time in my life to see what else is out there and I have no ties to where I'm living right now. I applied for a job that I think would be fantastic last Friday, but I haven't heard a peep back from them yet, which is disappointing. I haven't given up on that one yet though.
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The job I applied for actually isn't for a job abroad but that doesn't suit me right now anyway.

Gave up on my run today, very disappointing. Going to just skip this one and get back into the routine on Wednesday. It's unfortunate but one day off shouldn't set me back too much.
 
~"Thanks Cate. How long were you seeing someone for?"
I only saw someone once a month for 3 months & then we both agreed I didn't need to any more. I will again if I feel the need.
 
That doesn't sound too bad! I don't know, money is very tight at that moment. My dentist recommended this genius osteopath that her friend went to that helped her stop smoking, so I might try him first and see how that goes.

I took the morning off from work today as I'm still feeling a bit blah, so I caught up on a bit of sleep and feel better this evening. I went for a swim after work, also very soothing for the body and mind.

I am really frustrated with my weight, I think that's sort of triggered another black cloud. Even with all of my training, I haven't lost a thing. I know that I have been drinking more energy drinks and lattes/cappuccinos and these two things always cause my weight to balloon, so I have to cut them out once again. But I didn't feel like I was eating that much extra calories, considering the training. For example, in my last run, I apparently burned 500 calories. But it's not showing on my body, and it's definitely not showing on the scales.

It's just really disheartening as I was feeling so good and had followed my plan to the letter for 4 weeks.

I also tried on a few dresses today in a size bigger than normal and I looked terrible in everything. Really annoying!!!!!!!!

Anyway, not much I can do about it now. I have to go for a run tomorrow if I am going to complete this race, so I just have to get on with it.

Can't wait for it to be Friday, really allergic to work this week.
 
The same thing has been happening to me Em. I'm into my 5th week of 5:2, but have been monitoring my food for about 3 months & have not lost anything in the last month. We have to push through as we can't give up.
 
Don't get discouraged Em, you've seriously upped your mileage which will create fluid retention which likely won't go away until you've finished training for your marathon as I'm assuming you're upping your runs every week. Also if you aren't getting enough sleep your body won't be repairing itself as well as it should be.

Also you said you've upped energy drinks and coffee etc- just thought I'd point out if you have done a 500 calorie run, a can of Monster is 210 calories and if you get a large latte that can easily be 200-300 calories (that's only if you have one of each in a day... if you have more than one of each then you are easily going over 500). Just saying... liquid calories sneak up on you and maybe you're consuming back your run calories in liquid.
 
Hi Cate. I have no intention of giving up, I am not going back to the way I was ever again! We will get there! I'll be supporting you also.

Hi Lucy, thanks for the tips. Yep, definitely feel like it's the liquid calories taking hold, which is annoying when you feel like you're not actually eating that much. Back to the drawing board on that one.

Today was okay, bit of strange news in work, which had me going in to speak to the office manager again! They must be sick of me, haha. But I am just concerned I'm going nowhere in there, so I just want them to spell out exactly what I need to do to get either more money/a promotion/both, as I have no idea if the other job will happen or not, so I need to start thinking about where I am also and making it a viable option. So we'll see what happens with that one.

I'm trying to not put all my eggs in one basket in all aspects of my life.

I also contacted that osteopath guy, so if I can get an appointment with him next week, I will. The woman who went to see him said she spent an hour and a half with him and hasn't smoked since. Plus he has a cool name.

I gave a lift to one of the yoga teachers this evening, it was really nice to talk to somebody different! I realised I really miss variety in my life and meeting new people, things have gotten very routine. She was really cool, she's just back from travelling around India and she applied for a teaching placement in Italy, and it was lovely to hear about somebody else's adventures. I miss adventures.

Going to a motivational talk tomorrow about goal-setting, hopefully it will give me some inspiration.
 
So, bit of a strange one today. I rang the osteopath and he told me that he no longer practices hypnotherapy and that I would have to look elsewhere. I hung up the phone and I felt really disappointed. And then I started thinking, 'Hang on a second, I actually don't need this guy in order to give up smoking, I can give up smoking any time I want!' Seriously, that disappointed feeling gave me pause. Like, unless I get a session with this guy, some external element won't allow me to quit smoking. There is no external element! There is only me!

Anyway, I have 3 left in the pack, going to smoke them this evening and see how I get on tomorrow without them. Just the thought of not smoking all day tomorrow has sent me into a panic, but I must recall that disappointed feeling once again.

My boss is in a complete huff with me, I made a call she didn't like yesterday, so she's been ignoring me all day. Trying not to read too much into it and get on with my day. Other than that, it went well.

Going to watch a film now, watched Brazil earlier in the week, completely bizarre but very interesting. Might go for something a little lighter tonight. I'm really going to try to read a good bit over the weekend. I miss it. I've been stuck on a book for ages, so I just want to plow on with it so I can read something else!

We have a work trip planned tomorrow so a day out of the office, looking forward to that. Then the weekend! At last!
 
I've just had an hour long phone call with my mother and a little cry. Then sent an angry text message to a good friend of mine which I feel a bit bad about, but which he might have deserved.

Extremely fed up and annoyed. In my message, I said I was sick of feeling like an 'afterthought.'

I asked my mum if she thought I was being too intolerant of people and their behaviour and she said that was really up to me to decide.

That girl got back to me about the letter and suggested meeting up with her and another girl for food on Thursday last. Note that this was more than 3 weeks after the initial message. I texted her to say I already had plans made (I had, they didn't end up happening), but I could meet her after and give her the letter. Where would she be after the meal? No response. Still no response today, so I am just about at my wit's end with this shit. So I'm just going to ignore her from now on, even though I hate ignoring people, it is not in my nature. I hate silent treatment, I think it's the worst sort of punishment, because it leaves no way of resolution.

I was reading an article last night about a girl who said that she would often extend an invitation in her group chat of friends - a cinema night, brunch, drinks, etc. And the invitation would be left hanging there, ignored, no response. That has happened to me a lot in the last few years. And I'm just sick of it. It is prompting me to just want to buy a text and call phone, and get rid of all the apps. I'm sick of being ignored as a form of no. I really try to not do it myself, I normally say thank you for you invitation, but due to money issues/personal health reasons/whatever else, I cannot attend. Whatever excuse I have, because sometimes I have my own reasons for not wanting to attend things. That's fine. But this radio silence, being ignored, it just doesn't wash with me anymore.

I think I deserve better or more from the people in my life. I don't know if that is misguided but it's how I feel. How much am I willing to tolerate? Not a whole lot anymore.

And this is not me thinking that the world is a terrible, sad, sorry place, because I am absolutely optimistic about the world and about the planet. I saw a pod of dolphins today, the planet is still alive and thriving, life is good! People in general are kind and giving. But this is about me and my close/intimate relationships, and those people that are meant to be a source of support or even fun aren't fun or supportive any more. They are just not up to it. But I'm not up to putting up with being ignored/sporadically contacted/mildly insulted by them anymore either.

I am done.
 
Ok, took your advice Cate, just dropped off the letter today, done with it.

I am spending my evening watching And Then There Were None, absolutely brilliant murder mystery from Agatha Christie. Fantastic cast. Aidan Turner is a dreamboat.

Have got over the rage from yesterday, I just get upset sometimes.

Met my dad for breakfast this morning and then we went to the library to read the papers for free. We have a really fantastic library here in the city, only 10 minutes from my house. I actually love reading newspapers, but I rarely buy them, which I guess is a sign of the times.

I am probably not going to do the 10 mile, weighed myself this morning after a week of no training, 2 pounds down. Maybe it's just stressing me and my body out too much.

I'm completely broke for the next few days, which means I can only eat what I have in the house, which is probably a great thing for my health.

Got a few chores out of the way today, optimistic for the week ahead.
 
Ok, I'm back feeling motivated again.

I read this great blog post today and I really liked what the guy had to say:

http://andykennyfitness.ie/how-people-become-overweight-1/

I liked his idea about changing the unit of measure to one you are not really familiar with so that it becomes just a number. I weighed in today at 78.5 kg. The goal is 64 kg. It doesn't sound that bad.

I put into MyFitnessPal that I wanted to lose 0.2 kg a week, just so it wouldn't put me on a 1200 kcal diet, but I would like to lose at least half a kg a week. I have imputted all food for today and I'm at 1609 kcal.

I am debating about adding in exercise so that my calorie allowance goes up, but that can go very high with the running, so I'm not sure. I don't trust myself to not use those extra calories just to eat junk. Hmm, I guess we'll see how hungry I am.
 
Mixed day - great until I came home, then instead of making dinner, I just ate rubbish. I went for a swim afterwards though so my calories aren't too catastrophic but it's disappointing.

I've started resting my legs against the wall for 15-20 minutes a night. Apparently it's meant to be very good for them.

Very dull day in general but I feel good now after the pool.
 
Swimming is great & exercise is such a mood lifter. I danced a lot at the weekend & played golf & feel so much better for it today.
 
Yeah, it really does work wonders.

I got paid today so I didn't make any good choices. Mo' money, mo' problems. Or more food anyway.

I didn't smoke all day Sunday or Monday (couldn't afford to buy them). It proved to me that when there is no other option, I can do it. I was a little bit surly in work yesterday but I think I'd be over it in a week. I'm setting my quit date as 1st September. I even noticed during my swim yesterday how much better and stronger I felt, I guess because my lungs were clearer. It will be worth it!!!!

I absolutely love September. It's my favourite month of the year. It reminds me of fresh copy books, autumn leaves, things beginning to slow down, the evenings a little bit cooler. I am determined to make this the best September I've ever had.

I also extended an invitation to the friends for Friday to chill out with me and watch a few films. I don't know if they will take me up on the offer, but I'm extending the olive branch, and if no one shows up, that's cool, I will put my energy into getting new friends. But I've made an effort now and I've made my peace with it, whatever happens.

Have a very busy day tomorrow and busy Thursday evening too, which is great. The wind is changing.
 
I love September too, but for different reasons obviously. It's a YAY, Winter is over!
Good for you, extending that olive branch.
 
Thank you Cate. It is very interesting chatting to someone who is on the other side of the globe. Keeps the dark days in perspective - it's bright and warm somewhere!! :D

So, the olive branch was not accepted, no one can make it, :(. But anyway, on the road to making new friends for the winter months ahead. All the new acquaintances I've met in the last year are healthy and practice mindfulness and are probably vegetarians. This must be the way forward, haha.

But no, seriously, I got chatting to one of the women who comes into the yoga centre tonight. They have a group that meets on a Sunday evening where they meditate together and then listen to some inspirational talk and she said it is an absolutely lovely thing to do on a Sunday evening, when I am ultimately depressed that the weekend is over, so I am going to try it out this weekend. It can't hurt, right? Also, anything to keep me busy and my mind off smoking.

I also texted hot yoga man earlier about joining his meditation course, no word back on that yet. I tried this course about 2 and a half years ago and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind, so only attended 2 out of the 5. I want to really make a proper go of it this time. That's another evening sorted. Another evening of not smoking.

Had such a lovely day at work today, one of the girls sent me a message about a work problem just before I left for home, and at the end, she messaged 'namaste' to send me on my way cos she knew I was going to the yoga place. I thought it was really funny and sweet that she even remembered where I was off to. I know that sounds like such an incidental story, but the small moments of people taking an interest make a huge difference. Sometimes I think people don't listen to anything I say, it's nice that they do take notice! :)

Meeting up with some new friends tomorrow night, looking forward to seeing them all again. Only two days till September!

Also chatted to replacement yoga man tonight, we had a great chat about vegetarian/vegan-ism and his stance on it is that he views all life on this planet as something to be cherished, regardless of whether you are human or animal, and that is why he doesn't eat meat or dairy. It was very interesting and I thought a nicer way of looking at it than some of the militants you can find on the internet.

Anyhoo, enough of my chitchat, more tomorrow!! (Food and exercise atrocious.)
 
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