Emily Rose: The Reboot

I only weigh once a week, I find my measurements are usually a much better indicator of how I'm doing (especially since I seem to retain so much water uergh). I feel you know when you're doing the right things, the scale is just a tiny part of the picture.

Yay for all the body stat changes!! That's awesome!
 
cate said:
Well done, Emily. I have decided to weigh only once a week too as the fluctuations do my head in. 2.2% drop in body fat is excellent!
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Thank you so much Cate. I know that machine probably isn't 100% accurate, but it's still a good indicator.

Thanks also Lucy! Very pleased.

Not going to do my usual food breakdown, as it really hasn't been great. Back at work tomorrow, have a healthy lunch made, so should be back on track. I wasn't bingeing or anything though, it was just overall pretty poor.

I went for a 4 mile run today, another improvement in time, very happy with that. Did it first thing when I woke up, really set me up nicely for the day.

My general mood today is quite lonely. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place in this attempt to turn my life around. There were two festivals I could have gone to this weekend, and I know that this would have meant that tonight I'd be exhausted tired and in foul humour, and probably have missed out on my weekend training, but at the same time, I missed out on hanging out with friends and maybe even making new ones. I'm trying not to go drinking too much right now, even though I am drinking at home, which isn't good, but I still don't end up in half the heap I would be the next day after a social night out. I don't know, I just felt very alone today. I can't see the changes coming around the corner. If I knew for sure they were coming, it would be so much easier. I mean, if I stick to my healthy eating plans and exercise regime, of course the body changes will happen. But what if nothing else does? I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense, but that's how I feel today. :(
 
I pretty much stopped drinking entirely in my early 20s. I had a very much all-or-nothing relationship with alcohol. I'd have 0 drinks or 10. Found myself in a few stupid situations, hated rocking up to work hungover, hated the extra few kgs that would come on overnight and take half a week to lose. I dropped a lot of friends because apparently drinking was the only way to hang out and have fun. Actually I immediately get turned off anyone pressuring me into having a drink now (which happens a lot with people I don't know very well... I won't drink to make someone else feel better though). I stopped completely and had nothing for about 4 years, now i have like... one or two drinks a year lol. I understand the isolated feeling and missing out, but honestly a lot of things I realised I just wasn't in to anymore and now I don't miss it at all. I have friends now with goals more aligned with my own that are happy to catch up over food/ coffee/ a walk/ a fitness class (when I was more able bodied haha)/ shopping. Also I was depressed and the alcohol was 100% making it worse.

I guess you make the changes that are sustainable for you but that are also in line with your goals but it's all about compromise too, it's just taken so long to realise that. I CAN eat and do whatever I want at the sacrifice of my body (haha) or I can do that some of the time and get to my goals slowly (because the alternative is being militant and getting there quickly and that just would not work for me).

If alcohol is something you don't want to give up then don't! But maybe come up with your own rules around it. So maybe have whatever you want once a week and plan it around a night out, or have a rule that you don't drink alone and make it a reason to go out so you don't feel isolated, or something else that works for you. Don't make rules that you know you're going to break, make a goal you can implement and work towards instead as part of your eating and exercise. You can have fun and make memories and reach your goals all at the same time :D
 
Thank you for such a thoughtful post Lucy. I actually read it a few times.

You're right. I'm going to set myself a goal to only drink once a week and only on a social night out. No more of this drinking at home craic. Of course, I bought a bottle just now as a way of saying goodbye, the sign of a true addict, but I should be okay tomorrow if I stick to that, and it's really early now.

I already have my night out organised for Saturday with a friend, just locally though so it shouldn't go too late, and I am running in a race Friday evening, which will keep me away from temptation then.

I'm not going to set any limit on what or how I drink on my night out, so I am a bit worried that I'll suddenly manipulate my way back to house parties in order to extend the night (I once went home with a guy cos he had a bottle of wine in his house, a true low point), but anyway, I will just have to take it as it comes. My drinking reduced to one night a week would work wonders for me.

I am also going to try to only smoke on my drinking night out, but the problem is the remaining cigarettes the next day. I think I'm just going to try the next 3 days without cigarettes at all, keeping in mind that I have Saturday night to enjoy them. I'm trying to use the mind magic that I will find it soooooo much easier to complete this 10 mile race if I give them up, in fact, that's pretty much a guarantee, whereas if I keep on puffing away, finishing the race is in doubt. That seems to be working better than, 'It's ruining your health', as a reason to stop. Anyway, I have put all this on here in an effort to be held accountable, to hold myself accountable, and I promise I will be honest no matter what happens.

Food:
- fromage frais (a really healthy version though), blueberries
- slice of toast with butter and cheese
- half my salad (tomatoes, avocado, cucumber, courgette, peppers, cucumber) with a salmon darne
- apple
- rest of salad; slice of toast with end of cheese and butter; 2 salt crackers
- 1 tea and milk; 2 coffees and milk; ginger tea
- packet of hula hoops salt and vinegar 34 g; 2 x 47 g turkish delight bars
- bottle of white wine 13%

I kind of cheated on dinner and as a result ate extra chocolate, but I guess it could have been worse.

No exercise (picked wine instead. Boo).

General mood:
A bit irritated today but okay overall.

Good things:
  • A woman in work told me I looked fantastic this morning. A sure sign I am getting results, if I would only have patience.
  • Arranged to meet friend Saturday night.
  • Lucy's post.
Okay, back tomorrow after a visit to the hygienist and dinner with my mum. Hopefully I will be reporting back a healthy and happy day!
 
Sounds like a solid plan!! I think ice-cream is my current fixation for my 'cheat' type day hahaha. People out making memories, I'm snuggled in my doona eating a pint. Just bein a grandma over here!

Glad my post helped!
 
Haha, whatever makes you happy!

Well, I went crazy last night and had not one but two bottles of white wine. The percentage of the second one was 12.5%. I'm embarrassed to write that here but I said I'd be honest, so there it is.

I honestly don't know how I got up for work this morning. But I managed it somehow. I think it was the fact that I was only working a half day that got me up.

Actually managed to be somewhat productive and then headed to the dentist. My teeth are so white now! I tried to take a power nap before yoga reception but my brain was too frazzled. I'm at a food place now trying to refuel my body (have been starving all day) and looking forward to bed.

Food:
- apple
- 2 slices brown bread with butter and marmalade
- 2 coffees and milk
- white roll with butter, chicken goujons, tomatoes, coleslaw, cheese; deli chips and garlic mayo (rotten but I ate every bite); some type of fruit drink
- bag of 130 g jellies, protein choc chip flapjack; the bigger bottle of Lucozade; peppermint tea
- curry with noodles; can of coke; small ice cream cone

Exercise:
4-mile run (I was so tired and did not want to do it, but I actually did it in a faster time than Monday.)

General mood:
Completely out of sorts because of the wine. The run and the massive amounts of food I took in today have helped so I should get to sleep quickly enough and be right as rain by tomorrow.

Good things:
  • Nothing majorly wrong with the teeth and I got a new hygienist today, she was lovely.
  • I didn't smoke today!!! Now, to be honest, it wasn't the most challenging day in the world to not smoke - I felt pretty awful and I had a half day so managed to avoid the call of the lunchtime cigarette. I also got my teeth back to pearly white, so there were a lot of reasons why I was able to do it today. But still, I did it!!
  • I really enjoyed the curry I just had. I don't usually get curries for takeaway food, but this was delicious.
 
I looooove how white my teeth are after the dentist. I don't think my teeth have ever really stained as badly as when I got braces, it's crazy. I was going every 2-3 months for a clean last year (bit lazier this year, it'd been about 6 months).

Aww I feel for you after having to work after the big wine night!! At least you got everything done. I can't believe you managed a run too!!
 
Thanks Lucy. I actually have a really strong constitution but I think I should stop taking it for granted!

Okay, today.

Food:
- fromage frais, blueberries, raisins
- slice of brown bread and peanut butter
- brown bread sandwich with butter, ham, coleslaw, cheese and spinach
- 90 g pack of cashew nuts with salt and black pepper (only meant to have some, ended up eating the whole pack, which came to nearly 500 calories. And they weren't even that nice! Sigh. Won't buy them again.)
- 2 slices bread, one with goat's cheese, tomatoes, spinach, butter; 1 with butter and homemade blackberry jam (My dad made the jam with blackberries he picked locally. It was fabulous.)
- 2 biscuits
- tea and milk x 2; coffee and milk; aloe vera white tea

Loads of bread, it's just the way the day worked out.

Cigarettes: Yes. Sigh. 10. Too many. :(

Exercise: 40 laps in the pool

General mood:
Cranky bitch all day. Work getting me down. Have to speak to office manager tomorrow but I won't bore you with it.

3 Good Things:
- Called out to my parents tonight and sampled the marvellous jam.
- My friend signed up to do the big run with me. Getting closer...
- Okay guys. Very exciting evening that took me out of ratty bitch mode. Went to the steam room after my swim. Really attractive guy came in and sat down, then started chatting to me about the steam in the steam room and other bits and bobs. He was really nice and friendly. Then there was a bit of a pause, and he was like, 'So, are you staying in the hotel or are you a member of the gym?' Basically the steam room equivalent of, 'Do you come here often?' Delighted with myself! We chatted away for another bit, then I had to leave cos I was getting too hot (from the steam!!) but it was so exciting! Hopefully I will see him there again! He was so pleasant and looked nice in his togs! :D

My new motto in life:
giphy.gif
 
I like your new motto & it sounds like a pleasant & flattering encounter in the steam room. All the best with the talk with your manager, Em.
 
Haha I'm the same with any bags of anything that are more than a serve... if I open it, I'm eating the whole thing. I just buy the multipacks now, for some reason I manage to just stop at one portion.

Yay on attractive stranger!! It's always the random stuff like that that puts a pep in your step.

Do you swim at the gym?? I miss having a gym membership with a pool, not many of the gyms here have them unless you join a recreation centre.
 
Thank you Cate. The talk went okay, although I'm a bit worried about the consequences on Monday when the Boss gets back. I actually had a terrible night last night - my mind was racing, heart rate out of control, at one stage, I nearly fell asleep and it felt like I was getting electrocuted. Really terrifying stuff. I actually think it was a combination of spending way too much time in the steam room after the exertion of swimming, so I felt extremely dehydrated, the wine from a few days ago probably didn't help either, and just getting myself into an absolute tizzy over what I was going to say. Anyway, it's done now, and I can only try to do the best I can for me and for my quality of working life.

Hi Lucy. I swim at a hotel that has a gym and pool. They are doing brilliant rates at the moment. I really love it, and you can join for 3 months at a time, so it suits me a lot. Most of the gyms with pools are yearly membership rates only and cost a lot more than your standard gym, so this was a real find.

Hey Alicia, I've always wanted to meet someone in real life. Even if the only thing you have in common is that you like drinking in the same pub, it's a start, right? But anyway, we'll see if I bump into him again. I hope so.

Today -

Food:
- fromage frais, raisins, blueberries
- 2 coffees and milk; 2 aloe vera white teas
- burger with relish, sweet potato fries, ketchup
- pack of cheese and onion crisps; aero bar
- 3 triangle sandwiches, 1 small chocolate flapjack, 1 butterfly jam and cream cake
- 2 x cans cider 4.5%

Yes, I am drinking a little tonight, old habits die hard. Food was very bad, mainly because of the sleepless night the night before. Anyway, I'll keep trying.

Cigarettes: 12. Some were smoked in the middle of the night when I couldn't switch my brain off.

Exercise:
- 8k road race. Despite the sleep problems, I felt really good out there! Delighted with myself. It was a beautiful end-of-summer type evening as well.

General mood:
Mood started out dire when I woke up at 5 minutes to 9. I was meant to be in work at 8. Disaster. Had my talk, felt a bit more alive as the day went on, and now it's after my evening run and I feel at peace (more or less). Definitely should sleep tonight!

Good things:
- Road race.
- Got a text message from an old friend who I haven't seen in ages asking to meet up tomorrow. It will be a mixed bag of a group, think it should be fun. Worried about the alcohol a bit, but no one is forcing me to drink it, so I'm just going to have to cop myself on and take it easy.
- Had a nice catch-up with my friend Gillian tonight.
 
The heart racing and electrocution feeling sound like anxiety to me- I've always dealt with anxiety but when my nervous system flares up (not much now, but it's a side effect of chronic pain) I get very restless legs, feel really cold for no reason, shivering/shaking to the point it feels like I'm seizing, jolting awake when I've just drifted off, muscle spasms as soon as I relax. The best ways I've found to deal with it are to get up and walk around for 10mins, distract myself with something like reading/watching something, have a hot shower, make a cup of tea and rug myself up under heavy blankets (even when it's like 30°c) all just until my body feels normal again. I think really deep physical tiredness/ dehydration/ stress would definitely be enough to trigger it.

Sorry work is so stressful right now (oh man, I would have had a meltdown if I woke up after I had to start work). Just remember to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Hope you have a good weekend!
 
Thank you Lucy. I do think it was a combination of everything. I've slept a lot better this weekend.

The night out didn't really do me any good, I just got into a depressed drunk mode and babbled on about all the things people have said/done that have upset me this year. I woke up this morning and I was thinking to myself that really, I'm just going to have to accept that people are going to say upsetting things to me for the rest of my life, so I have to get myself into a mode of not letting it get to me so much. I think it's because I am so unhappy with my own bad habits and behaviours, and give myself such a hard time about all of them, that when someone else comes along and says something to compound those feelings, I can't cope at all.

I tried to counteract the shitty feelings with exercise today - went for a 4 mile run and did 42 laps in the pool. I'm happy with that but my food was terrible for the most part.

I'm really dreading work tomorrow as well. I'm scared of the consequences of the discussion I had with the office manager on Friday. I just hope it will all go well.

I've decided to make a pledge on here that I will not drink or smoke until after my race. I really need to do this and I know I will feel so much better about myself and about everything really. I know it will be hard though but it is very important that I do this. So I promise to myself that I will stick to my plan until after the race. I can do it, it's only 26 days. That's enough time to have an impact but not an unrealistic amount of time either. I really want to do this because I am unbelievably fed up with myself. I need this change to grow and move into the next phase.
 
Ugh. Had the talk with my boss, feel like I've dragged myself into a war of sorts. The girl I complained knows something is up and was really fake when I had to talk to her about something (like, mean girl fake nice) and then she just went into full-on ignoring me with a face like thunder when I said bye to her when I was leaving the office (no one around to witness it). I guess this is the kind of shit I'm complaining her about. The interesting thing is that another girl in the office had also complained about her for the same reason I did (emails sent ordering us around with no verbal communication, even though her office is 2 metres from my desk) so that completely validates my complaint, as my boss knows that it is not some personal vendetta or personality clash, there is a problem with her communication style, or lack thereof.

My boss was trying to minimise the whole thing and make out that there is no one bitchy in the office and that she didn't mean to come across as disrespectful, but I was really having none of it. I just nodded and then gave her the example that when I tried to talk to her about the email, she said she was leaving the office and had to run, making it very hard for me to discuss it with her. So that was enough for me to be like, 'Fuck that, she is not open to discussing this with me, I am not here to be someone's doormat.' And I just had to say something.

There have been undercurrents of contempt from this girl since I started last year, but I kind of ignored them, and then she seemed to warm to me somewhat. But the last few weeks, I have just got sick of her shit. Even my boss said that the email was sneaky.

Anyway, because the other girl on the team who I thought was friends with this girl has also spoken up, and we never discussed anything about this, I know they will have to take on board what I said. She is not going to like it and the preview of today's moodiness tells me what relations will be like from now on. But, I really feel like I am doing her a favour in the long run. It's not enough to only be respectful and kind to your managers, you should be like that to everyone.

Anyway, it really is her problem to deal with now. Going to keep my head down but praying I get an interview for the job I mentioned last week. The closing date for applications is today so I guess I should hear something this week. I am definitely going to look for a new job even if this one doesn't happen though. I think I would be happier elsewhere. Maybe this is the beginning of the end.
 
Oh man, I am tired and sore tonight. I slept really badly again last night, think I was awake till 5:30 or so, disaster. I was tired in work but not too bad. After work, I went for a 5 mile run and did 42 laps in the pool.

I can't believe how well I felt doing the run. I am exactly halfway through my training for this race now, and I can honestly say that today was the first day that I know I will be able to finish it. I haven't exactly been doing all the right things food or alcohol or even rest-wise, and I really could have done another 2 miles today. Which is great, since I need to be able to do another 5.

The pool was great but my body is sore now. I am going to finish watching The Cure for Wellness now - it seems to me like a really obvious twist so I hope I'm wrong - and I definitely feel like I'll get some quality shuteye tonight. My brain even feels tired. Night all.
 
I can't believe you were up till that early in the morning and functioned at work!! If I get less than 6 hours I get really mean hahaha. And want to eat everything in the house. And you still trained! Not entirely sure you aren't super woman.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight, think your poor body will need to recover as your runs get longer!

Also hope the work issue just quietly goes away, work drama is the worst. You spend so much time there you want it to be an easy environment.
 
luzdafuzz said:
I can't believe you were up till that early in the morning and functioned at work!! If I get less than 6 hours I get really mean hahaha. And want to eat everything in the house. And you still trained! Not entirely sure you aren't super woman.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight, think your poor body will need to recover as your runs get longer!

Also hope the work issue just quietly goes away, work drama is the worst. You spend so much time there you want it to be an easy environment.
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Hey Lucy! The work drama has indeed gone quietly away, relations with that girl are gone back to normal, even borderline pleasant, so I'm delighted! I don't know what was said, but she seems to have accepted it, and decided to get on with me, so I'm thrilled. I hate not getting on with people, I really do. But I have reached a point in my life where I will call people out if I feel they have treated me badly. It doesn't always go the way I hope, but I guess you just weed out the people that don't really care that much about you that way.

I was very very tired yesterday, went to bed at half 8, and slept through the night until I had to get up this morning for another run. I did 4 miles this morning, it actually went fine, even though my body is a bit tired. But I'm over halfway through now, just another 3 weeks and I'll be ready.

I went for a swim this evening in a doomed mission to see Steam Room Guy again - didn't happen. But some other sleazy English businessman type was eyeing me up in the steam room, so clearly, it's where I do my best work. Haha. Ah no, but I'm not exactly body confident yet, and it's great to feel I look even halfway good in my swimsuit now. Also, the ratio of men to women who frequent this pool must be about 10 to 1, I get the impression that some of them are trawling the place looking for a girlfriend, so I think I'm in the right place to meet someone. Even if it's a holiday fling with someone visiting the hotel, I will take anything at this stage!!

I don't know but I really feel like I am going to meet someone soon. I feel it in my waters.

Anyway, for the day that's in it, I will post the below. Legends both.

 
Hi, Emily. I'm glad the work drama has died down. I dislike conflict, but it is important to speak up when you are being treated badly, especially in the workplace. I'm glad it had a good outcome.
 
Thank you so much Cate. My office manager was meant to speak to me today, but she didn't, so I am going to take that as a good sign. I actually feel a real sisterhood in the office, it's 8 women, 1 guy, and I have never worked in an office like this one before. In my previous job, it was predominantly male, in the job before, about half and half. It's actually fun for me to work with women, I didn't think that would be the case. But, besides that hiccup in the last few weeks, I think we all get on very well. We have a team building day next week, I am looking forward to it. We're getting a tour of an island, doing a treasure hunt, then going for lunch. Also, it's more or less a day off, which is always a good thing!

I have a family reunion thing tomorrow, and I was speaking to Elaine, one of the girls in the office, about this before I went home. The last reunion, I was cornered by my aunt who told me of the unspeakable woe of her friends who had put their career first and NEVER MET SOMEONE!! and warning me against this lonely, horrendous life path. I really wanted to tell her to fuck off.

That's the shit I hate about the family reunions. 'Oh, you don't have a mortgage/life partner/great career? You are bringing the family to shame.' Okay, I added in that last sentence, but all of the above have been mentioned, sometimes on numerous occasions. Anyway, I was saying this to Elaine, who is 4 years younger than me, and is quite possibly the loveliest girl ever, she would help anyone who needed it, and her wonderful boyfriend is the same, they are a really nice couple. But she had a family thing recently, and she was like, 'Emily, I am engaged, and these family things aren't any easier for me because of that fact.' She said there was a 70-year-old woman asking her when she was going to have kids, her boyfriend's sisters who are doctors judging her on her marketing job, people asking her when they were going to buy a house... I'm sure the list goes on and on. We had a nice moment of shared empathy, and it made it clear to me that you can never please everyone! Why am I bothered about all that?

I am going to just try my best to be relaxed and enjoy it. I am doing my own thing and I am okay with that.

On another note, I need advice. I lived with this girl who I had a falling out with. She moved out and we've met up a few times, but it's never got back to the way it was. Anyway, a letter came to the house for her a few weeks ago, I texted her to say it was here, and would I drop it up to her or she could collect it here. She got back to me a few days later to say she was on holiday but she would probably collect it the following week. That was over 3 weeks ago, she hasn't contacted me since, and the letter is still sitting in my hallway, annoying me. What should I do? Should I contact her again or just wait? This is exactly the kind of strange behaviour I have been encountering from various people all year and I'm sick of it.
 
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