Emily Rose: The Reboot

I think you're right LaMa - quitting smoking should be my number 1 priority right now. My weight is nowhere near where it should be but my fitness levels are quite good, so I can put up with it for a little while. I have enough clothes to wear that fit right now, and I don't look completely terrible in them. Today can be day 1 of quitting smoking. Maybe I should do something similar to the 30 Day No Alcohol Challenge for smoking. It's a bit harder, but let's try it! 1 day nearly done already.

I actually tried on this lovely tennis top today that I bought a while ago, it is so close to being nice on me! Just 5-10 more pounds and it will be so nice! So that's a goal as well. I really want to feel good in my tennis gear. Especially because there's loads of attractive guys after joining the club, or at least attending club night. I played with two nice ones this week. Unfortunately, the guy from the week before, who is my favourite so far, did not return, but maybe when I see him again, I'll be fitting into my new tennis top and looking good! Haha.

Week went very well in general. A few blips that I won't get into, but I am a work in progress! Mistakes are allowed.

I went for a swim on Monday and Wednesday evening, played tennis with Dad on Tuesday, went to club night on Thursday and a walk with my friend beforehand, and last night I had a tournament match. We lost unfortunately. I have another one tonight. I think our opponents are quite good, so I'm not optimistic about our chances, but it's a beautiful evening here, so I will do my best to enjoy it, no matter what the outcome. I also played a game this morning. So I'm being really active and I definitely feel the benefits of that. I have a really healthy tan.

My dad and I are getting the train to Dublin tomorrow to visit my mother, who is in hospital up there. I am looking forward to seeing her and visiting Dublin again. I must google a few nice coffee shops to check out while I'm there. I love all the options that a big city offers!

That's it for now, more tomorrow. I like the new forum. It's cool.
 
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The promise of clothes that ALMOST look great can be really motivating. Same for cute guys!

Enjoy your trip tomorrow. I hope your mom is as well as she can be right now.
 
It's really good that you are being so active, Em. Not smoking will most probably help with your tennis as well. Tennis is so good for you in more ways than one (attractive guys). All the best with the trip with your Dad. Sending you all lots of love :grouphug:
 
- Yes, guys that almost look great can be motivating too LaMa. Haha.
- Thanks Tru. On the train now.
- Thanks for the love, Cate. x

Day 1 didn’t happen. At the tournament last night, everyone seemed to be smoking, which is really unusual! It was too triggering for me. I’m going to start September 1st now instead. I have to stop putting it off.

I’m kind of bored on the train, but only another 40 minutes to go. I felt absolutely shattered after my match last night and felt really cross. (We lost.) We had loads of people watching the game, which was nice but added to the pressure. My dad and two of the ladies from my club came to watch also, which was lovely. I have now lost 12 tournament matches in a row, so I am completely disheartened. :(

Really excited about getting lunch in Dublin. I hope Mum is improving. I haven’t talked to her too much this week but she seems like she is making progress. It’s not the same at home without her.
 
Haha, yes they are, LaMa! Thank you very much.

I'm feeling very low today. I think the visit to my mother in hospital yesterday has just tipped me over the edge. I don't think my father understands how difficult this is for me sometimes. I am probably expecting too much from him, as I generally expect too much from everyone. My fatal flaw, for sure! It was a lovely visit in theory, and she was so much more herself, but the whole thing was extremely traumatising for me. It's very, very difficult to have someone you love and depend on to be your rock suddenly become helpless and end up in a psychiatric hospital.

The great thing is that she has found a lovely community of people in there - she introduced us to a few of them, and it was amazing to see her back in action, bonding with people and supporting them. But, I'm going to be really honest here, and if this makes me a bad person, I don't really care - I absolutely resent her bonding with and being a 'mother figure' (as she described it) to other people when she has been entirely absent in my life for nearly a year now. I mean, as I said, I love seeing her happier and having friends to rely on and get her through and all that. But I'm sad for me. I'm sad for our relationship. I'm worried about the future. I'm worried that she'll never be right again.

She also made me earrings at the craft workshop they were doing, and I felt obliged to put them on, and then her buddies in there were coming over and admiring them, and it was this huge deal that she had made them for me. And I was thinking, 'This is what my mother has been reduced to - making earrings in the arts and crafts workshop like she's a fucking 8-year-old child.'

The whole thing is completely difficult and upsetting and I sat at my desk today feeling really, really low, and cried a little bit, and then I had to get back to my shitty tasks, and I just don't know what I want in life anymore or how I will trundle on or cope with anything if things don't get better soon. I can't go through my life feeling this unhappy all the damn time. I am truly miserable.

And yes, I have nice distractions, and I have people that care about me, and all that. But I am really isolated at the moment, or most of the time. And even my own mother has decided to check out. That's hard to accept.

I know life is difficult for everyone, but I just feel like I have so much potential that I am squandering because the light just will not come in. Every time I make progress, there seems to be another huge cloud ready to pour rain down on me. I'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself up.

I've had a bad few days. I don't know what's next for me. Is there even a next? Maybe I'm just fooling myself.
 
Emilyrose said:
I don't think my father understands how difficult this is for me sometimes. I am probably expecting too much from him, as I generally expect too much from everyone.
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Your Dad is probably having enough trouble coming to terms with the change in their relationship. I can only put my own perspective on it & imagine how I would feel. He is probably needing as much moral support, if not more, than you.
Emilyrose said:
The great thing is that she has found a lovely community of people in there - she introduced us to a few of them, and it was amazing to see her back in action, bonding with people and supporting them.
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That is a really good thing, Em. It's good that your Mum has found a place where she can feel supported & regain some of her old self. She would also not have the pressure of having to be that rock. Sometimes that can be exhausting, no matter how much we love our family. I hope she is able to become stronger & rebuild her health. It sounds like she is in a good place to do that.
You do have so much good in your life & so much going for you. This has not changed. :grouphug:
 
I understand that this is super hard for you. My parents seem like the ultimate certainties in life and the thought of watching them suddenly change (yes, they change all the time, but not suddenly and dramatically) when I hardly feel like a fully-fledged adult myself would freak me out. But looking at it as someone who's worked with a lot of people in vulnerable situations the fact that she's acting like a mother figure to other patients is likely a positive. Caring for people like that can make you feel stronger and more in control. To her you may look like you're above her right now so trying to care for you could make her feel weak and useless. But mothering other patients could help her rebuild her self-image, which could ultimately help you get your mom back.
 
- Thank you so much, Cate. :grouphug:
- That's a really well thought-out response LaMa, thank you.

I am feeling a bit better again. My week has been pretty good overall. My boss took myself and Work Colleague out for a coffee and croissant on Wednesday. I played tennis against a woman at grade 3 level who was giving me loads of compliments on my game. We had a new person join the team (she's an Aussie, Cate!), and it's great to have someone new and bubbly around the office. One of the tennis ladies basically railroaded me into joining a running group, so I'm starting that next Tuesday for the next 7 weeks (I missed the first night). And I have another tournament lined up for the weekend, so it's all happening.

I haven't really spoken to Mum this week but I will ring her tomorrow night. I think the whole visit just made the severity of her illness all too real. I am still a little flat, but I am okay. Dad is okay too. We will get through this. I really miss her.

Body fat percentage is coming down very slowly, so I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and I will start to see progress. I have to!
 
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better this week, Em :grouphug:
Did you ask the Aussie which state she is from? Signing up for running, hey? Go you!
 
- Thanks Cate. I think it's Adelaide originally but she's lived all over.
- Thanks LaMa. It is nice to have positives to share too.

Had a very healthy Friday evening - really nice omelette for dinner, watched the new Paul McCartney series on Disney+ with Dad, which we both really enjoyed, and was in bed by half 10! I'd say I went to sleep immediately, because I had the blanket on and the bed was so warm and cosy. I have always loved September.

Woke up before the alarm (which hasn't happened in a long time) and had a healthy breakfast of porridge and blueberries before heading off for my tennis match. Our opponents never showed up, which is incredibly annoying, but the good news is that we made it through to the next round with minimal effort! :D

Myself and my partner played a set of singles (I won, never beaten her before) and I got a coffee and brownie for the drive back. I'm home now, waiting for the wash to finish before setting off into town for a while. I'm feeling really good. It's amazing what a good sleep can do.

Also, my clothes are starting to fit me better again. I even wore that new tennis top today. I thought I got away with it. So it's all going in the right direction.
 
Your Friday night & Saturday sounded really good, Em. A good night's sleep makes so much difference. Yay for clothes starting to fit better. I'm too scared to try on my Summer clothes!
 
- I'm not sure LaMa. They said they mixed up the time, but they might have got nervous.
- Yeah, maybe I spoke too soon Cate, not sure. Although the dress I wore today didn't look too bad, I suppose.

Let's start with the good stuff:
Work went well today. Had to stay late, but it was fine. Got my reports done, the numbers look good, presenting tomorrow. I should be in bed. Oh yeah, this is meant to be the good stuff, whoops.

Had a fab weekend playing tennis and slept like a log last night. Did a lot of exercise yesterday. Met some lovely people, it was really fun. Had a brilliant meet-up with the drama group yesterday via Zoom, we discussed loads of points, agreed on a lot of it, it was great.

Stuff that is on my mind:
Of course, the bad stuff is on my mind more. I am sitting here, wondering why the negative aspects of any given day take precedence over the 90% positive that was my day today. Okay, maybe 80%. Whatever. 10% lost because I'm still up at this hour. Anyway...

10% of a day is so minimal, and yet it's playing on my mind during my happy, relaxed hours at home on the couch, as they were spent this evening. I mean, I said I didn't understand the why, but I do. It's about protection and security and fitting in and being a part of the group, which is the reason we are all here. Our ancestors all managed to find their niche, find a partner, find something in their existence that other people valued and protected them or respected them for, whichever era you want to refer to. And I think when there is a negative incident with anyone, or maybe in particular in my case, because I was so unpopular as a child, an internal alarm tends to go off. We start to feel like the writing's on the wall for us, or something. I don't know.

So, what am I actually talking about? So, at the drama meeting last night, I was just saying that our next meet-up for drinks should be Friday or Saturday night - the last one was on a Sunday, which I couldn't go to anyway, but I hate drinking on a Sunday in general, because you are really starting off the week badly. (I break this rule myself, but in general, I am not a fan of Sunday pints.) So, one of the guys in the drama group posted today that he'd booked a table for us all this coming Friday. I'd suspected he'd taken me up that I wanted to meet this week, but I was tired after the tennis and didn't have the brain power to figure out what my schedule was this week, so I'd said nothing. Anyway, he just went ahead and booked a table, based off my suggestion.

However, I booked a game of tennis today with someone on Friday evening and I am going to visit my mother again on Saturday, so it just didn't suit me to meet up this week. So I said that I had an early start Saturday (true) and I wouldn't be able to go. I said because of tennis tournaments, I couldn't commit to meeting up next week instead. I think him and his wife took from that that I was playing a tournament this weekend and they said they would come and watch. So I had to explain I'm actually away on Saturday but I'd be playing tennis next week if they did want to come watch. And I think his wife thought I was just making stuff up, because her response to that was, 'OK... Nope!' And I just took it that she meant she wouldn't come to watch me play tennis in Dublin, and I was like, 'I'm not playing tennis up in Dublin, haha', and she texted, 'Stop!' to me.

And then I was like... huh? What just happened? It's really annoyed me. I genuinely want to meet them, but Friday isn't a good night for me. And I didn't want to be brutally honest and text, 'My mum is in hospital and I don't want to make the long journey up to see her with a hangover', because that's not something I want to share in a group chat. Anyway, it's all a bit strange. I didn't say anything back. I don't think I've done anything wrong? I always try to make time for people, I just was kind of railroaded into that meetup and it didn't suit me.

People can be tricky sometimes. I don't want to be hurtful. I also don't want this playing on my mind anymore. That's why I have shared it here. My mind is free again, lol. As if it's ever 'free.'
 
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...and that is why, when someone declines an invite and doesn't offer a specific alternative, most people don't push. Many people have things they don't want to tell everyone and chasing them down like that is somewhere between tone-deaf and rude. I got anxious just reading that exchange.
 
You shouldn't have to explain yourself or feel bad about not explaining yourself, Em. I hate being pressured like that. He should have run it by everyone before booking a table. Try not to let it get to you :grouphug:
 
- Hi LaMa. You know, I probably have pushed people in the past myself, so maybe it's a lesson I needed to learn from the other side.
- Thanks Cate.

Things seem to be resolved regarding that awkward exchange. I just didn't say any more about it, and progress has been made in terms of stuff for the group that we needed to organise this week.

Unfortunately, after a long spell of going fantastic, work took a major dip this week. One of my colleagues has taken on a new role, which is exceedingly challenging, but which ups their profile in the company quite a lot. Since she took on this role, she's been a different character to deal with. I was so pissed off with how this week went today that I was thinking of calling one of my friends in work to have a good old bitch, but I decided against that approach, and just rang the woman in question instead. The call went fine, but I think we could potentially have issues in the future. She's just on the defensive the whole time and won't admit mistakes, unless pushed, which I had to do this week, because there were a number of mistakes made. Which I am not tolerant of in any way, but I know that I should be, because she's just trying to get to grips with the job.

Anyway, I did my best to be an adult about things and not a teenager gossiping to my friends. That wasn't the only thing, but hopefully the other incident will be resolved tomorrow. I am trying not to carry a victim mindset about things. I really want to be fair to people. But I can't stand for sneakiness and trying to catch people out and I don't want to work in a company that tolerates it.

Besides that, my weight is so upsetting. I'm playing excellent tennis. I ran 40 minutes with my new running group on Tuesday with minimal effort. My skin, on my body at least, looks healthy and everything is working fine. And yet, I am finding it so difficult, in a way that I never have before, to shift any weight. I don't know what to do.

Had tennis tonight, it rained the whole time, still loved it. I played great. :)
 
Well done with contacting the person at work, directly & not gossiping, Em. There will always be shifting workplace dynamics & it feels better to deal with them well. It sucks about us struggling with weight loss. What can we do?
I love that you are loving your tennis. You must be getting better & better 🎾🏆
 
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