Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks LaMa. Yes, I think after the wax is great, especially because of swimming and wearing tennis skirts. I don't have to worry. Although, I am being remiss with the legs lately. Sometimes I really don't care.

- Thanks Cate. Yes, it is good that we get on so well, especially now. We both miss my mum a lot though.

I've had a mixed bag of a week so far. We had auditions on Monday and it went fantastic. Sometimes I fear I've found myself in the dark timeline of my life, and then I had a night like I had on Monday, where I met so many lovely, talented, enthusiastic people, which put that theory into the shredder!! We have got an absolutely stellar cast for the next show and I am so excited about it. One of the ladies auditioned and read out some of the scene I had written and I actually got chills, because it was so exhilarating to hear the words I had written spoken out loud. I think you always put a piece of you into your writing and I really thought it was powerful. I was so thrilled with that. She has since declined the part because the man we placed opposite her is 'too short' - you can only laugh.

Tomorrow my mother is back for an appointment and I will travel back on the train with her, so I have a day off from work. The day did not come cheap, I was very stressed all day long!!! Work is hard. I am thinking of packing it in.

I am also thinking of booking a tennis holiday to the Algarve in November, just waiting for approval at this point. It's fairly affordable and I really just want to get the fuck out of this country for a while. Just escape and have a room to myself and a pool to swim in and just feel relaxed and get back to myself. I feel incredibly highly strung right now.

 

[Llama]

then I had a night like I had on Monday, where I met so many lovely, talented, enthusiastic people, which put that theory into the shredder!

That sounds lovely.

One of the ladies auditioned and read out some of the scene I had written and I actually got chills, because it was so exhilarating to hear the words I had written spoken out loud.

And that sounds super satisfying! Another actor being too short seems like a peculiar reason to abandon ship though; probably best for everyone concerned that she's out...

I am also thinking of booking a tennis holiday to the Algarve in November,

Jealous! So jealous! My summer vacation was glorious but a mild and sunny couple of days in November would be glorious.

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Emily, just trying to catch up with people. Sorry for your struggles with your mother, must be hard on you and your father. Sounds like you are coping as best you can.

Algarve

Had to look that up, it appears to be a nice place, I assume it will still be warm on November. Warmer than Ireland anyway... With all your tennis you must be in pretty good shape.

 

[Cate]

Hi, Em. Your play sounds wonderful & exciting & so does your planned holiday. Maybe you'll be able to think more clearly about what you want in life when you get a chance to get away.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks LaMa. It was a truly great evening.
- Hi Rob! So excited to see you back. Thank you, the family stuff is very hard, not going to lie. As for being in good shape from the tennis, I probably have a good body underneath a massive layer of fat, which is bumming me out. And that's the truth. Tennis is fantastic for your core, which is my naturally weak part, and I can see the changes. But unfortunately, I'm veering into obese right now.
- Haha, your comment made me laugh Cate. What do you think I should want from my life? Guidance needed!

A really old video of Neil Diamond singing Sweet Caroline has just come on the telly, a party favourite here. To me, he always sounded like an older man, it's really disconcerting to see him super-young with that voice! Madonna's Madame X concert film is on in the background now. I'm not a huge fan but I do like some of her stuff.

Anyway. Hello! It's Friday! I'm drinking wine again! We - and I don't know exactly who 'we' refers to, but I guess it's the left and right side of the brain talking together - are glad to be here, typing away. I had a fairly unproductive day in work today, but I was pretty flat after an emotional day yesterday. I am so worried about my mum. We had a lovely day together yesterday. I decided not to discuss anything that would be liable to end up in an argument, i.e. her treatment. I left her on such a positive note, came home and was told by my dad that she was trying to book herself in for the electroshock therapy the following day!!!! After the really nice day we'd just spent together. With not a word of what she'd been thinking about. I felt betrayed. I felt angry. Dad was distraught. I rang her and unleashed a level of anger I try to pretend doesn't exist. I try to quell it constantly.

Anyway, it was an awful phone call, and an awful end to a pretty great day. I rang her this morning after my work review, which I honestly didn't give a fuck about, and could barely muster putting the energy into. My manager knows what's going on, and despite everything, I think work is going okay. She wants me to be more a part of the creative and strategic elements of the business next year, which is fantastic. I do feel like I am in the right place and I enjoy being there for the most part. I know I have moments on here where it feels like the world is tumbling down when things go wrong, but I am getting better and better at navigating that stuff. I think when I look back on my life in another 30 or 40 years, I will really appreciate this job and all the skills I've picked up.

Anyway, so, I rang my mother and we are friends again. She understands me and that me shouting at her is just abject fear about her and her safety and she even spoke to the nurse afterwards to ask the doctor to ring me or my dad next week and try to help us understand why she is taking this step. I just don't want her to come back wrong. Even though she probably feels wrong in her head right now, and to me, she feels like a stranger sometimes with some the awful things she is saying, she's still very much her. I would hate to not recognise her, even if she feels 'better.' I just think inducing a brain seizure is something I could never get behind. I don't support her doing this. But it's what she wants because of the immense pain she's in. I am so sad that she is in this pain. I don't know the full extent, but I know enough about the bad days to understand it some bit.

Everything seemed truly terrible yesterday, but I woke up this morning after a good sleep, and it all felt manageable again. I booked my holiday to Portugal at lunchtime. I am so glad this pandemic seems to be in a bit of a pause, at least where I am. I just need a break from everyone.

 

[Cate]

- Haha, your comment made me laugh Cate. What do you think I should want from my life? Guidance needed!

I have absolutely no idea, Em. Just going away is good for us. I appreciate what I have a lot more usually after a holiday

 

[Llama]

I guess your mom was trying to avoid a fight due to therapy talk as well... I'm glad the two of you made up again. It must be so hard. I understand your fear but I also understand that she just wants the pain to stop.

 

[alligatorob]

As for being in good shape from the tennis, I probably have a good body underneath a massive layer of fat, which is bumming me out.

I do not believe you have a "massive layer of fat", I just don't. You may be a bit overweight, but overweight fit and healthy is not so bad, 2 of 3! On the other hand I do understand why you feel that way, I do also. When I was at my lowest weight a few months ago, maybe even an unhealthy low, I still felt fat. Goes with the territory I guess...

I'm drinking wine again!

Be careful, drinking in moderation is not a bad thing. I am drinking a little more than I was too. Calories and eating are my problem more so than alcohol. I suspect you are similar.

booked my holiday to Portugal at lunchtime.

Good for you! I would like to go to Portugal one day, seems like a very interesting place.

Hang in there with your mother, no matter what she is better off with you in her life!

 

[Emilyrose]

- I probably won't want to come back, Cate! At least not to work anyway!
- I think the doctors are running scared about the electroshock therapy because we've kicked up such a fuss, LaMa. I know she wants the pain to stop, but I will never support what I think is a very experimental treatment. Everyone is wired differently - this could fuck up her electrics for the rest of her life.
- Thanks Rob. The thing is, I really don't feel like ringing her anymore. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall with our every interaction. It's like talking to a black void.

So, the big news is that I won two tennis matches last weekend and I made it into the semi-finals in the singles and ladies doubles. I played the best tennis I've ever played (obviously, you might say). It was really exciting. Saturday, I was in the throes of an absolutely horrendous hangover from the wine the night before, and the sun was beating down on my head, and I had no sunglasses, and I was playing a SINGLES match, which requires twice the exertion of a doubles game (the court never seemed so big), and yet, I conquered. I was delighted. I was down 5-2 in the first set and I managed to win 5 games in a row to bring it to 7-5. I won the second set 6-4. And she was a pretty good player. Lots of power.

Sunday I was revived and had a good sleep the night before, and we came back after losing the first set. Delighted.

Tonight, I was meant to play the semi-final in the doubles, but my partner had to drop out because her dad was in hospital all week terminally ill, and she got a phone call this evening that he was on the way out. I was obviously really sympathetic towards her and all that, but of course, I was really disappointed that I didn't get to play, moreso because our match was scheduled late and I'd driven all the way to the club before I heard the news. The reaction of our opponents really pissed me off as well. OBVIOUSLY, they were really happy to get to the final. But they really didn't give two shits that I was robbed of playing against them and getting to a final myself.

Anyway, no use crying over something this minor, in the grand scheme of things. But, just to remind you in case you think I'm being a whiny baby, it took me 17 matches to get to a second round. I've dedicated many, many hours to this thing. So, I was pissed off.

Before the crappy evening, I had a dismal day in work, full of stress and my new colleague being beyond irritating for the whole day. She has such a strong personality, that's probably the most diplomatic way I can describe her. in a less diplomatic way, she's a massive whinger and drama queen. For example, today she had to go the post office and QUEUE at lunchtime, imagine that. And some old people in the queue in front of her were taking out money and it took FOREVER!

To be honest, she probably annoys me because I can also be a bit precious at times. I like to think I have more charm though. She just talks really loudly and says 'Thank you!' way too often and comes across as a complete phoney to me. Her last comment to me today was to ask how my day was because she heard lots of 'sighing'. I just told her to take no notice of me making noises, it was just part of my 'process'. She can fuck off.

Anyway, today I was the epitome of Grumpy Cat. Hopefully, this mood lifts in time for my next semi-final tomorrow. Hopefully I get to play it this time, I'll keep you posted.

A final note - this is the best new music I have heard in a long, long time. Obsessed. He's from the North of England, 27, super-talented. Hadn't heard anything about him until a couple of days ago when this song happened to come on the radio. I think it's amazing.

 

[Llama]

Fingers crossed your next semi-final actually happens and you get to enjoy it. Some days just suck but the weekend is just around the corner

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks LaMa.

I got to play today! I lost, but I played really well. I almost got tearful on the court because I couldn't believe how well I was playing. Seeing the fruits of your labour is really an amazing feeling. Maybe I should start applying this tenacity to weight loss.

I had one awful YOU'RE A FATTIE moment today. I haven't had one in a long, long time. My dad dropped in a sponge to sell in the tournament shop, which I was manning tonight, and the Head Coach suggested we cut it to make it look more accessible, as you kind of have to eat a sponge on the day it's made, otherwise the fluffiness has gone out of it. Anyway, as I was about to cut it, he said to me, 'You probably have plenty of practice cutting cake.' I was so taken aback by this remark, but I played dumb and just said not really, I wasn't very domesticated.

This is honestly the kind of remark that throws people into a spiral and makes them swear off cake forever more and they end up in the same hospital as my mother with anorexia or bulimia. I'm just going to take it as nudge in the right direction. I really feel the extra weight is stopping me reaching the next level in tennis. So, for once, I don't just want to lose weight to look good. I actually want to be able to run longer and faster. And, okay, look good too.

I would have been completely devastated by the cake remark, but I had changed into my normal clothes after my match to work in the shop, and as I walked past one of the ladies, she called out, 'Look at you! I didn't recognise you out of your tracksuit!' Which was lovely. And I'm pretty sure a guy bought a bun off me just because he thought I was pretty. Haha.

So yeah, maybe I like my cake Head Coach, you absolute bollocks, but all is not lost yet. I'm still very much in the game. And I am going to win a tournament in 2022, I promise you that...

 

[Llama]

I got to play today!

I'm glad to hear that!

I almost got tearful on the court because I couldn't believe how well I was playing. Seeing the fruits of your labour is really an amazing feeling.

Sure is, especially when you work so hard on something.

'You probably have plenty of practice cutting cake.' I was so taken aback by this remark, but I played dumb and just said not really, I wasn't very domesticated.

I... walked into the kitchen at work last winter or so. There was a large chocolate cake sitting on the table with maybe a third missing and two of the office staff were there chatting a nd having a bit of cake. It just looked funny to have two people at a table with enough cake for two dozen so I said something like "are you finishing all that?" It was only when I was walking home that I realized they might've thought I was being nasty and making a dig at their weight (thry were both overweight and at the time I wasn't). I felt so bad but I thought going to look for them and bringing it up the next day to apologize would be even worse so I just said nothing and hoped they didn't take it like that.
But I still can't think of a way to take your head coach's remark as innocent: he sounds like a jerk who thinks you owe it to him to be pretty in the way HE prefers and is annoyed at the fact he thinks you're attractive despite not being "up to his standards".

I really feel the extra weight is stopping me reaching the next level in tennis.

Very likely. The reason tennis is so hard on the knees (and the shoulders, but that's another matter) is that you're accelerating, stopping abruptly, and turning all the time, which is easier when you're lighter. Although Serena Williams is proof positive that muscle weight won't hinder you!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks LaMa. I don't know what the coach's problem is, but whatever. Sometimes people do say things without realising how harsh they sound, I do it myself.

Anyway, today was a GOOD DAY. I got up this morning hangover free and went for a 6k run by the castle. It was an absolutely beautiful morning. When I came back, I had scrambled eggs on a bagel with peppers, tomato and rocket. Then a coffee, a biscuit and a small KitKat. I felt absolutely exhausted, so I went back to bed for a couple of hours. I felt a lot better after my nap.

I had to go into town to the web cafe to work on the play script for a while and sort out the finances for the group. We're taking a bit of a gamble with the next play, as we will need to spend the money before we get it back in ticket sales. I think it's worth the risk, but I'm trying to limit costs as much as I can in the meantime. We also have to work out who is going to pay for what, because I don't have 1500 euro extra myself to cover it. Anyway, fingers crossed that problem sorts itself out. Maybe a mystery benefactor will appear.

Speaking of appearing, when I spun my chair around to leave, who was standing behind me only Alex the painter. He asked me out a couple of weeks ago (did I mention that? Can't remember), but I fobbed him off a bit because I was in the tournament and I'm obese etc. Anyway, there he was tonight, looking super-cute, I have to say. We talked for a little bit, he's actually a very impressive guy. He's Croatian and works for a big painting contractor, but he has a side hustle going as well and wants to start his own painting business. He told me he really loves his job. I think that's such a great thing to be able to say.

He also said he's renting and he offered to paint the whole place for the landlord if they just provided the paint, and the landlord said no. Landlords in this country are an absolute disgrace. He'd also sent me a video of himself painting a few weeks ago (he's a bit out there) and he was so talented at it.

Anyway, enough about painting. He asked me to go for a walk with him during the week, so I said that would be great. I'm a bit smitten.

This also couldn't come at a better time, because I'm really feeling the itch of wanting a man in my life. I think the tennis tournament tipped me over the edge, because there's a few handsome men that have emerged from the woodwork in the club, and I'm developing inappropriate crushes on a daily basis, which can only lead me down a path of doom, so Alex the Painter could save me!

So glad I met him this evening and went for that nap. I had planned to go to the cafe a lot earlier today, so I wouldn't have met him, but my body knew better. He also told me I was really beautiful. Which is always nice to hear.

Anyway, I am extremely motivated to lose weight again. My plan is no food after 7pm and a run or swim every day. I need to cut about 1000 calories a day to be in shape in time for the play, and that method should get me there. I just want to be able to look at the pictures afterwards and feel proud. I have enough time to get into shape, I just need to start now. And I did start today. So it's all good.

 

[Llama]

Spending money you don't yet have is scary!

He told me he really loves his job. I think that's such a great thing to be able to say.

It is. And someone being passionate about something is always attractive.

I'm developing inappropriate crushes on a daily basis, which can only lead me down a path of doom,

He also told me I was really beautiful. Which is always nice to hear.

It is! Mediterranean dudes are a lot more forthcoming with pleasant truths, aren't they?

 

[Cate]

Alex the painter sounds delightful, Em. It sounds like serendipity

 

[Emilyrose]

- Irish men only say that kind of stuff at 2am in the morning after a rake of pints LaMa.
- I hope so, Cate. He’s entertaining anyway.

Just a quick check-in as I went for a late gym session and feel really tired all of a sudden. Maybe it’s the lack of food after 7pm - my body and brain are getting tired when they should.

Day went well - I wanted to go for a swim but it was booked out, so I made myself go to the gym instead. I ate plenty before 7pm but I am hopeful that this plan will work for me. Scales slightly better this morning. Really want to get out of the 190s as fast as I can.

 

[alligatorob]

He also told me I was really beautiful. Which is always nice to hear

I am sure you are! Glad you found someone to tell you so.

Anyway, today was a GOOD DAY. I got up this morning hangover free and went for a 6k run by the castle. It was an absolutely beautiful morning. When I came back, I had scrambled eggs on a bagel with peppers, tomato and rocket. Then a coffee, a biscuit and a small KitKat. I felt absolutely exhausted, so I went back to bed for a couple of hours. I felt a lot better after my nap.

Sounds like a good day, hope today was again.

 

[Llama]

Feeling tired when you should be is a good thing in my book. Going to bed tired is nice. Compliments are also nice, especially when the person who gives them is sober

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Rob, you're too kind, haha.
- Compliments are always nice, LaMa.

I met up with Alex tonight...

He picked me up from outside a church near the lake we were going to walk around - he was driving a lime green Ford with an L sign on it. I knew from the get-go it was going to be an interesting evening. Lol.

He suggested we drive to a commuter town nearby and get a coffee. He told me he was 28 and his last girlfriend was 11 years older than him. So I felt youthful at only 7.

He's Serbian. He is really hard-working and a pretty intense guy. Really intense. But also pretty, haha.

We ended up going for a walk in the park, which was lovely. It was a beautiful autumnal evening. Then we had an argument because I made a joke that he was an anti-vaxxer, then it turned out that he didn't get the vaccine, and that exploded into a whole thing. So we were going to call it a night, but he calmed down and we ended up getting a coffee after all. Then I started asking him about growing up in Croatia (mistake) and he ended up crying after telling me a particularly traumatic story about his childhood growing up in a war-torn country. So that was fucking fantastic.

But anyway, he is very attractive, he's in amazing shape and he seems to really like me, so I don't know. We'll see. I have to say that a few alarm bells have been raised already, but I like the fact that he's strait-laced and doesn't smoke or drink or anything like that. We're very different and he's probably too young for me, but I'm just going to go with it. We also kissed a few times, which was lovely.

If he texts me, I will definitely go out with him again next weekend, so we'll see... In other good news, it's Friday tomorrow. And I kind of feel proud of myself for getting back out there and going on a completely sober date and being okay with that. Maybe I'm finally growing up.

 

[Llama]

Yay for good-looking people and kisses but Imma be honest: he sounds like a lot of (emotional) work.