Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Thanks to you both.
Good weekend so far, passed my NCT and watched a good film with Housemate last night (Sound of Metal, if interested). We've got on great again the last few days, which is nice. We had a very interesting conversation about the vaccines which scared the hell out of me and has put me off getting it in a way. Basically, he was saying that all the vaccines are synthetic and when they are injected, instead of staying in the muscle of the arm and creating antibodies from there, they spread this spike protein all over the body and it comes to 'rest' in the ovaries and bone marrow. I was like, ugh, that does not sound good. We were also discussing the fact that you might need a vaccine to go to the pub soon, which pretty much means we are living in an authoritarian country and is actually discrimination. Anyway, food for thought.
I have a wax appointment today and will probably go to the cinema this evening. Tomorrow, I have tennis at 12 and then I need to pack a few things to bring home. Mum seems okay with me moving back. I hope it helps her.
Good weekend so far, passed my NCT and watched a good film with Housemate last night (Sound of Metal, if interested). We've got on great again the last few days, which is nice. We had a very interesting conversation about the vaccines which scared the hell out of me and has put me off getting it in a way. Basically, he was saying that all the vaccines are synthetic and when they are injected, instead of staying in the muscle of the arm and creating antibodies from there, they spread this spike protein all over the body and it comes to 'rest' in the ovaries and bone marrow. I was like, ugh, that does not sound good. We were also discussing the fact that you might need a vaccine to go to the pub soon, which pretty much means we are living in an authoritarian country and is actually discrimination. Anyway, food for thought.
I have a wax appointment today and will probably go to the cinema this evening. Tomorrow, I have tennis at 12 and then I need to pack a few things to bring home. Mum seems okay with me moving back. I hope it helps her.
Had a good tennis game yesterday and today. I have two tournament games tomorrow and Tuesday, probably very ill-prepared but it's exciting all the same. It's great to be able to do this with my dad as a distraction for the two of us when Mum is so unwell.
I called her earlier and it was a very upsetting call. She keeps asking us if we ever felt love from her. I did of course, but sad to say, I don't feel any from her now. She made the remark that it feels like her mind is dead and she is just walking around in this body, unable to feel anything. Grim indeed. I think being at home with her will be very difficult. At the same time, it will give my dad a bit of relief, so it's where I should be right now. I have two weeks off in August and will put off the house hunt until then, when I have a bit more money and will be freed up to look. I still have a week's holidays left, so maybe I'll get to actually go somewhere later in the year. We'll see, I'm not that bothered really. There's almost a pressure to say you're going on holidays sometimes, it's a strange one.
I was very tired today and spent most of it in bed. My energy just went to my shoes after the phone call with Mum. I got a soup maker so I did make some nutritious soup and had that for lunch, which is something. I'm definitely a bit malnourished. I also got up this morning and did a 5k run - it was very hot and quite difficult actually, but I did it and felt wonderful afterwards. I bought this coffee scrub yesterday for my body, so had a shower after tennis and slathered that all over myself - was lovely to really exfoliate the skin. I'm delighted with my freshly waxed legs - just in time for some tournaments and my work night away on Thursday.
Short week this week - finishing earlier on Thursday for the team night, and more or less off on Friday. I have a facial booked on Friday, which should be interesting. Lots of redness and sun damage have crept in - still, for 35, I'm not doing too badly.
That's it for now, going to watch some TV and get an early night. Weight had ballooned to 200 pounds during the week but it's gone back down and BMI back to under 30. I just have to make sure I keep it that way. I will try to go for a run every day this week to try to keep it in check and also to boost my fitness for the tennis. I have a singles tournament in a couple of weeks time where I need to bring my absolute A game and I need to be able to run.
I called her earlier and it was a very upsetting call. She keeps asking us if we ever felt love from her. I did of course, but sad to say, I don't feel any from her now. She made the remark that it feels like her mind is dead and she is just walking around in this body, unable to feel anything. Grim indeed. I think being at home with her will be very difficult. At the same time, it will give my dad a bit of relief, so it's where I should be right now. I have two weeks off in August and will put off the house hunt until then, when I have a bit more money and will be freed up to look. I still have a week's holidays left, so maybe I'll get to actually go somewhere later in the year. We'll see, I'm not that bothered really. There's almost a pressure to say you're going on holidays sometimes, it's a strange one.
I was very tired today and spent most of it in bed. My energy just went to my shoes after the phone call with Mum. I got a soup maker so I did make some nutritious soup and had that for lunch, which is something. I'm definitely a bit malnourished. I also got up this morning and did a 5k run - it was very hot and quite difficult actually, but I did it and felt wonderful afterwards. I bought this coffee scrub yesterday for my body, so had a shower after tennis and slathered that all over myself - was lovely to really exfoliate the skin. I'm delighted with my freshly waxed legs - just in time for some tournaments and my work night away on Thursday.
Short week this week - finishing earlier on Thursday for the team night, and more or less off on Friday. I have a facial booked on Friday, which should be interesting. Lots of redness and sun damage have crept in - still, for 35, I'm not doing too badly.
That's it for now, going to watch some TV and get an early night. Weight had ballooned to 200 pounds during the week but it's gone back down and BMI back to under 30. I just have to make sure I keep it that way. I will try to go for a run every day this week to try to keep it in check and also to boost my fitness for the tennis. I have a singles tournament in a couple of weeks time where I need to bring my absolute A game and I need to be able to run.
- Thanks LaMa. The run was good.
- Thanks Cate. She has professional help, it's just not working. Yet. I really hope I can make a difference when I move home. It won't be easy, I'm sure. But at least I will have more going on, which might provide distraction from time to time.
Very good couple of days. Was in a lovely seaside town the last two evenings for hours playing a tennis tournament. We met some lovely people yesterday, absolutely fab. We were beaten, but I was happy with how I played. Tonight was the ladies' doubles, I played with Colette, one of the women in my club, who is such a nice lady. And she's a good player, which helps. We were up 3-0 in the first set and then they figured out our weaknesses and demolished us. I really didn't like the two women we played against tonight. They tried to end a game when they were only 40-15 up, which really rattled me. They called an amazing serve I had out (but we still won that game, despite their shenanigans). They were incredibly hostile to be honest. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but they weren't 'fun' to play. They wanted to WIN.
There's a tradition in tournaments (in Ireland anyway) where if you beat your opponent(s), you offer to buy them tea or coffee or a drink afterwards. They offered and I was planning to hang around anyway because I wanted to discuss the ins and outs of the game with Colette. So I accepted but they really didn't actually want to do that. I could just tell it was a half-hearted offer. Whereas the guy we played last night couldn't have been nicer - so encouraging when we played well and so warm and genuine when offering us the commiseration tea after. The good thing about losing is you're not so broke after the tournament, hahaha!
Anyway, all in all, despite losing and the frosty opponents (one of them was so snooty, the other one was just basic... hmm, maybe I'm the one with the attitude problem,
), I really enjoyed the evening. And Colette has gone from being slightly hesitant to entering tournaments to being gung ho enthusiastic about playing the next one with me. Which is great.
Got my hair done today, also nice. Had a good meeting in work too. Review tomorrow with the manager. The worst thing about these tournaments is it's like being on stage - way too much adrenaline afterwards. It's midnight and I feel completely wide awake, which is a disaster. Next one starting this weekend in another lovely coastal town in Ireland.
My new goal is to win a tennis tournament before the year is out. Reach for the stars etc.
- Thanks Cate. She has professional help, it's just not working. Yet. I really hope I can make a difference when I move home. It won't be easy, I'm sure. But at least I will have more going on, which might provide distraction from time to time.
Very good couple of days. Was in a lovely seaside town the last two evenings for hours playing a tennis tournament. We met some lovely people yesterday, absolutely fab. We were beaten, but I was happy with how I played. Tonight was the ladies' doubles, I played with Colette, one of the women in my club, who is such a nice lady. And she's a good player, which helps. We were up 3-0 in the first set and then they figured out our weaknesses and demolished us. I really didn't like the two women we played against tonight. They tried to end a game when they were only 40-15 up, which really rattled me. They called an amazing serve I had out (but we still won that game, despite their shenanigans). They were incredibly hostile to be honest. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but they weren't 'fun' to play. They wanted to WIN.
There's a tradition in tournaments (in Ireland anyway) where if you beat your opponent(s), you offer to buy them tea or coffee or a drink afterwards. They offered and I was planning to hang around anyway because I wanted to discuss the ins and outs of the game with Colette. So I accepted but they really didn't actually want to do that. I could just tell it was a half-hearted offer. Whereas the guy we played last night couldn't have been nicer - so encouraging when we played well and so warm and genuine when offering us the commiseration tea after. The good thing about losing is you're not so broke after the tournament, hahaha!
Anyway, all in all, despite losing and the frosty opponents (one of them was so snooty, the other one was just basic... hmm, maybe I'm the one with the attitude problem,
), I really enjoyed the evening. And Colette has gone from being slightly hesitant to entering tournaments to being gung ho enthusiastic about playing the next one with me. Which is great. Got my hair done today, also nice. Had a good meeting in work too. Review tomorrow with the manager. The worst thing about these tournaments is it's like being on stage - way too much adrenaline afterwards. It's midnight and I feel completely wide awake, which is a disaster. Next one starting this weekend in another lovely coastal town in Ireland.
My new goal is to win a tennis tournament before the year is out.
Reach for the stars etc.Thanks to you both.
Review went fine - we're hiring somebody new to help me so that was good. My mind is gone a bit mad with all the excitement of the tournaments (something new!) and I am finding it really hard to unwind, which is unfortunate, as I have a two-hour drive ahead of me tomorrow. I need to get to bed soon.
I'm feeling a bit lonely in my apartment tonight, so maybe it's a nice thing that I will be home for a while. I tried on clothes earlier, looking for an outfit for tomorrow - eek! Nothing like trying on clothes you haven't worn in over a year to make weight gain really hit home. But I think I'm in a lot more controlled environment at home, so it will really help to cut out the mad drinking and smoking. I don't know why I persist with it, when I am so invested in tennis and drama, where being fit and looking good are so important! It's like I want to create as many obstacles for myself as I possibly can and see if I can overcome them.
I mean, I have easily 50 pounds that I could shed and still be at a very healthy weight, which would immediately mean that my tennis game improves at least 50% (a percent for every pound is fair, I think). And yet, I'm not doing anything about it, and here I am proclaiming to love tennis and wanting to get better. We also have a show booked for next year with the drama club, and I really need to be a healthy weight for the role I'm playing, because otherwise it doesn't make sense at all. (Not to say you can't be overweight and be an actress, but there are certain parts that work better for certain body types, let's put it that way.)
So, I have my why. Why do you want to lose weight? I want to improve at tennis and I want to play my original role in the show we're putting on next year. But my subconscious is just having an absolute field day right now, and I'm really finding it hard to quell any urge I have. I did cook dinner this evening, that was something. I'm so vitamin-deprived, and I really need to start making changes fast. I just can't seem to get it together. So the move might force me to...
Review went fine - we're hiring somebody new to help me so that was good. My mind is gone a bit mad with all the excitement of the tournaments (something new!) and I am finding it really hard to unwind, which is unfortunate, as I have a two-hour drive ahead of me tomorrow. I need to get to bed soon.
I'm feeling a bit lonely in my apartment tonight, so maybe it's a nice thing that I will be home for a while. I tried on clothes earlier, looking for an outfit for tomorrow - eek! Nothing like trying on clothes you haven't worn in over a year to make weight gain really hit home. But I think I'm in a lot more controlled environment at home, so it will really help to cut out the mad drinking and smoking. I don't know why I persist with it, when I am so invested in tennis and drama, where being fit and looking good are so important! It's like I want to create as many obstacles for myself as I possibly can and see if I can overcome them.
I mean, I have easily 50 pounds that I could shed and still be at a very healthy weight, which would immediately mean that my tennis game improves at least 50% (a percent for every pound is fair, I think). And yet, I'm not doing anything about it, and here I am proclaiming to love tennis and wanting to get better. We also have a show booked for next year with the drama club, and I really need to be a healthy weight for the role I'm playing, because otherwise it doesn't make sense at all. (Not to say you can't be overweight and be an actress, but there are certain parts that work better for certain body types, let's put it that way.)
So, I have my why. Why do you want to lose weight? I want to improve at tennis and I want to play my original role in the show we're putting on next year. But my subconscious is just having an absolute field day right now, and I'm really finding it hard to quell any urge I have. I did cook dinner this evening, that was something. I'm so vitamin-deprived, and I really need to start making changes fast. I just can't seem to get it together. So the move might force me to...
Cate
Long term member
I hope so, Em. You can do it! I have something saved in my phone that I occasionally look at when I'm having trouble getting over myself & you may find it amusing.
I'm not sure about 1%/pound but I do know how much better losing 45 pounds made me feel!
That is so me!
I have something saved in my phone that I occasionally look at when I'm having trouble getting over myself & you may find it amusing.
That is so me!- Ha, very good Cate.
- Yes, I'm sure it made you feel great LaMa.
I'm being a bit negligent on the diary front - it's been a very busy time since I last wrote. I'm back home again, which I would love to say has been a pleasant experience so far, but last night was an absolute war zone in the house. My mother has really lost her mind, she's continuing to say extremely upsetting things to me and Dad, and last night she pretty much had a manic episode and demanded to be taken into A&E. She's home again today, but she's going to check into a psychiatric facility as soon as a bed becomes available to see if they can help her.
It's a very difficult one, because she can seem absolutely fine one moment, and then the next, she's raving that she feels disconnected, and that we're not a real family unit like other people are (that one hurt) and that she never felt love for us and all this stuff. It's very, very hard. I lost the plot completely last night and started roaring at her, in absolutely despair and anger and frustration at everything she was saying. I regret that, because it doesn't really help matters. But I saw red and I had to get my emotions out. Maybe it helped (me), I don't know.
I am trying my best to be kind to her and supportive, but she is a difficult woman at the best of times, and this is just... on another level. Her doctor thinks she's insane. Which is a terrible thing for your doctor to think about you. I don't think she's insane, but I do think we've done all we can for her at home in a way. She keeps saying that 'no one understands and no one can help her', and I just tried to drill the point into her today that if she checks in somewhere, she has to go in with an open mind and follow their instructions and trust that they can help her. I think some of that might have sunk in, but I don't know really. Her thinking is very black and white about everything. That's partly what's got her into this mess.
At the same time, she's my mother, I love her dearly, she did her absolute best for me and despite the rubbish she's spouting these days, I know that she did truly love me. Her actions over the years speak a lot louder than the words of the last few months. But, of course, these aren't easy things to hear. It's shaken me up a bit. But, you know, I'll be fine. And I hope and pray that she will climb out of this hole very soon.
- Yes, I'm sure it made you feel great LaMa.
I'm being a bit negligent on the diary front - it's been a very busy time since I last wrote. I'm back home again, which I would love to say has been a pleasant experience so far, but last night was an absolute war zone in the house. My mother has really lost her mind, she's continuing to say extremely upsetting things to me and Dad, and last night she pretty much had a manic episode and demanded to be taken into A&E. She's home again today, but she's going to check into a psychiatric facility as soon as a bed becomes available to see if they can help her.
It's a very difficult one, because she can seem absolutely fine one moment, and then the next, she's raving that she feels disconnected, and that we're not a real family unit like other people are (that one hurt) and that she never felt love for us and all this stuff. It's very, very hard. I lost the plot completely last night and started roaring at her, in absolutely despair and anger and frustration at everything she was saying. I regret that, because it doesn't really help matters. But I saw red and I had to get my emotions out. Maybe it helped (me), I don't know.
I am trying my best to be kind to her and supportive, but she is a difficult woman at the best of times, and this is just... on another level. Her doctor thinks she's insane. Which is a terrible thing for your doctor to think about you. I don't think she's insane, but I do think we've done all we can for her at home in a way. She keeps saying that 'no one understands and no one can help her', and I just tried to drill the point into her today that if she checks in somewhere, she has to go in with an open mind and follow their instructions and trust that they can help her. I think some of that might have sunk in, but I don't know really. Her thinking is very black and white about everything. That's partly what's got her into this mess.
At the same time, she's my mother, I love her dearly, she did her absolute best for me and despite the rubbish she's spouting these days, I know that she did truly love me. Her actions over the years speak a lot louder than the words of the last few months. But, of course, these aren't easy things to hear. It's shaken me up a bit. But, you know, I'll be fine. And I hope and pray that she will climb out of this hole very soon.
Oh Em, that sounds awful! Sending you all the hugs 
Having your doctor think you need help with your mental health is one thing but if they just label you as "insane" that would feed into the feeling of "nobody can help me and nobody really cares anyway".
On a different note: I've probably mentioned it before but now would be a great time to seek therapy yourself. Not only to model reliance on the system to your mom but also to help you process the anger, frustration, and fear.
Here's another hug if you need one
You're very right about that and I hope some of that landed but rest assured that many people with mental health problems feel like this (at least at times) and the folks at the hospital are used to it.
Having your doctor think you need help with your mental health is one thing but if they just label you as "insane" that would feed into the feeling of "nobody can help me and nobody really cares anyway".
On a different note: I've probably mentioned it before but now would be a great time to seek therapy yourself. Not only to model reliance on the system to your mom but also to help you process the anger, frustration, and fear.
Here's another hug if you need one
- Thanks Cate. I know if I was drinking right now, everything would be harder.
- Thanks for the hug, LaMa. Therapy is not really on my radar right now. I am coping.
Day 6 No Alcohol today. I bought Annie Grace's book The Alcohol Experiment, so I'm reading a chapter of that every day. She's fantastic, I've watched some of her videos on youtube as well. The book is basically laid out as a 30-day 'experiment' to knock the drinking on the head. She is very kind in the way she talks about having an issue with alcohol. It's kind of the opposite of AA, where you sort of have to admit you are a horrible, selfish person for becoming an alcoholic and spend your whole life apologising and flagellating yourself for it. She just speaks more about how easy it is for us to get addicted or feel like we need alcohol in our lives. Anyway, I am determined to get to day 30. It hasn't been too challenging so far, but of course, the weekend looms.
Club night tonight was great - the weather was balmy and there was some new blood, which is always good to see. I entered another tennis tournament and we're trying to get my aunt to enter it as well, as the club where it's taking place is quite near her house. And I haven't seen her in ages, what with Covid and everything. I think the last time was my cousin's wedding back in December 2019. We do have a family gathering coming up in August again, as long as Delta variant doesn't get completely out of control in the meantime. It seems to be ramping up at the moment. So sick of it.
Mum went into the hospital last night. I talked to her on the phone today and she sounded so lonely and like she wanted to cry. She demanded to be brought in though. It's very upsetting. I feel so sad for her. And I feel so helpless. Poor Mum. She's gotten so lost. I don't know how to help her find her way back to us. I have to keep praying and hoping that she will find her way again. I miss her.
Anyway, it's all for the best that I'm home right now. At least my dad has some company in the house now, which might take the sting of Mum being in hospital away some bit. We can support each other.
Friday tomorrow, that's something anyway. Playing tennis tomorrow evening, then will just veg for the night. I need a break.
- Thanks for the hug, LaMa. Therapy is not really on my radar right now. I am coping.
Day 6 No Alcohol today. I bought Annie Grace's book The Alcohol Experiment, so I'm reading a chapter of that every day. She's fantastic, I've watched some of her videos on youtube as well. The book is basically laid out as a 30-day 'experiment' to knock the drinking on the head. She is very kind in the way she talks about having an issue with alcohol. It's kind of the opposite of AA, where you sort of have to admit you are a horrible, selfish person for becoming an alcoholic and spend your whole life apologising and flagellating yourself for it. She just speaks more about how easy it is for us to get addicted or feel like we need alcohol in our lives. Anyway, I am determined to get to day 30. It hasn't been too challenging so far, but of course, the weekend looms.
Club night tonight was great - the weather was balmy and there was some new blood, which is always good to see. I entered another tennis tournament and we're trying to get my aunt to enter it as well, as the club where it's taking place is quite near her house. And I haven't seen her in ages, what with Covid and everything. I think the last time was my cousin's wedding back in December 2019. We do have a family gathering coming up in August again, as long as Delta variant doesn't get completely out of control in the meantime. It seems to be ramping up at the moment. So sick of it.
Mum went into the hospital last night. I talked to her on the phone today and she sounded so lonely and like she wanted to cry. She demanded to be brought in though. It's very upsetting. I feel so sad for her.
And I feel so helpless. Poor Mum. She's gotten so lost. I don't know how to help her find her way back to us. I have to keep praying and hoping that she will find her way again. I miss her.Anyway, it's all for the best that I'm home right now. At least my dad has some company in the house now, which might take the sting of Mum being in hospital away some bit. We can support each other.
Friday tomorrow, that's something anyway. Playing tennis tomorrow evening, then will just veg for the night. I need a break.
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks LaMa, I guess you're right.
Mum has been in the hospital for the last few days. Yesterday was the first day she's been able to read a book in months, so I think she's in the right place. It's also only about 20 minutes from our house. There's talk of her going to a facility in Dublin, but I would be a lot happier if she stays where she is. We'll have to wait and see. She went for a brain scan as well yesterday, which is terrifying. I would far prefer this to be a mental health thing than some tumour in her brain causing havoc. But they have to rule that out at this stage. Anyway, I've been crying a little bit the last few days, but we're hanging in there.
I played tennis this morning and then one of the ladies invited myself and another woman over to her house afterwards for some elderflower cordial and sparkling water and a coffee with those lovely little cinnamon sugar biscuits. They are so addictive. She has a beautiful garden, so it was really lovely. I didn't say much but I liked listening to their stories.
One of them asked me to fill in for her in her tennis lesson this afternoon, as it is unbelievably hot today and she wants to go to the beach instead. Hopefully I pick up a few things and it improves my game a lot. Had a nice healthy salad there - a good thing about the heat is that it takes away your appetite!
I'm on day 8 of 30 with no alcohol. Yesterday was hard and I got cranky because I am so used to the bottle of wine indulgence on a Friday evening.
A week in and I've lost 2.6 pounds. My energy levels are a lot higher. I kicked ass in work all week, got so much done. I haven't really felt any ill effects from not drinking either, which is great, as that means I haven't fucked up my system too much. At this point, I don't want to abstain from drinking for the rest of my life, but definitely want to make it an 'in company' thing, as opposed to doing it on my own. But let's see how I feel on day 30.
- Thanks LaMa, I guess you're right.
Mum has been in the hospital for the last few days. Yesterday was the first day she's been able to read a book in months, so I think she's in the right place. It's also only about 20 minutes from our house. There's talk of her going to a facility in Dublin, but I would be a lot happier if she stays where she is. We'll have to wait and see. She went for a brain scan as well yesterday, which is terrifying. I would far prefer this to be a mental health thing than some tumour in her brain causing havoc. But they have to rule that out at this stage. Anyway, I've been crying a little bit the last few days, but we're hanging in there.
I played tennis this morning and then one of the ladies invited myself and another woman over to her house afterwards for some elderflower cordial and sparkling water and a coffee with those lovely little cinnamon sugar biscuits. They are so addictive. She has a beautiful garden, so it was really lovely. I didn't say much but I liked listening to their stories.
One of them asked me to fill in for her in her tennis lesson this afternoon, as it is unbelievably hot today and she wants to go to the beach instead. Hopefully I pick up a few things and it improves my game a lot. Had a nice healthy salad there - a good thing about the heat is that it takes away your appetite!
I'm on day 8 of 30 with no alcohol. Yesterday was hard and I got cranky because I am so used to the bottle of wine indulgence on a Friday evening.
A week in and I've lost 2.6 pounds. My energy levels are a lot higher. I kicked ass in work all week, got so much done. I haven't really felt any ill effects from not drinking either, which is great, as that means I haven't fucked up my system too much. At this point, I don't want to abstain from drinking for the rest of my life, but definitely want to make it an 'in company' thing, as opposed to doing it on my own. But let's see how I feel on day 30.