Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hey Tri, yeah, I know how to cook a healthy meal, just sometimes I would prefer to eat crap.

Hi LaMa, I only use the scales as an indicator - it's not the number so much as the fact that it's gone a few pounds up from a few weeks ago, which is annoying.

M4, D12 amendments:
Smoked 6 cigs.

M4, D13:

1. How did today go?
Busy day.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise, which was planned.

Weight was 11 stone 8 1/4 pounds. Annoying.

Food wasn't good, but I wasn't at home for most of the day, don't have the energy to prep for tomorrow either.

- porridge and milk; coffee and milk
- boiled egg, slice toast, butter, marmalade, branflakes and milk; tea and milk
- white bread sandwich of tuna and sweetcorn, cucumber, tomato, cheese; veg soup; green tea; side helping of crisps
- 4 double choc cookies; coffee and milk
- muesli cookie; chamomile, manuka honey and vanilla tea

My stomach doesn't feel great today, a bit bloated. Too much bread.

Cigs: 6

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Think I'm going to go for an 8k run tomorrow after work instead of tennis while the sun shines.
 
M4, D13 amendments: Also had glass of milk and 2 softmints.

M4, D14:

1. How did today go?
Today went ok. My stomach is still a bit funny.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Ugh, it's all gone Pete Tong. Well, not really, just having a bleugh day. Think I will be feeling better tomorrow.

No exercise. Weight was 11 stone 7 1/2 pounds. Cigs TBD.

Food:
- scone with 2 mini butters, mini strawberry jam, mini marmalade; coffee and milk; tea and milk
- turkey, stuffing, peas and carrots, chips, gravy; power ball; sample of chia seed and mango pudding; coffee and milk
- coffee and milk
- 2 doughnuts; Galaxy caramel bar; malteser bunny bar
- red wine (bottle)

Feeling a bit sick now from all the sugar. Went for a 30 minute walk around town to try to get rid of some of the stodge.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Spent ages there looking up freelance writing jobs online. A few look quite interesting. Some are even looking for weight loss articles and motivation articles and things like that. Haha. I know I don't follow them, but I've read so many that I feel I could write some good ones! We'll see, might be more hassle than it's worth, but it's keeping the wheels turning at least.
 
Emilyrose said:
Think I will be feeling better tomorrow.
Click to expand...

Was today any better?

The freelance stuff sounds interesting - what field of work are you normally in? Malteser buny bars are amazing. I'm so glad they don't just come out at Easter anymore. All year round Maltesery goodness.
 
Hey Sunflower, yeah, today was better. I am a writer, so I was looking at freelance writing gigs. I've decided that the effort it takes to send proposals for each job advertised would be better spent actually applying for fulltime work, so will probably abandon this plan unless something really good pops up.

M4, D14 amendments:
9 cigs.

M4, D15:

1. How did today go?
I started out the day like a lethargic slug but I picked myself up and went out home for the evening. My dad is thinking of becoming a movie extra, it is giving me life. I actually think he would love it.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise. Cigs 4, which was good.
Weight - 11 stone 6 1/4 pounds

Food wasn't great, I got some fast food but I actually really enjoyed it. Normally I feel kind of sick after it but it was just so yummy today and really what I needed. Tomorrow I have all my meals planned, so hopefully I will stick with it and get back motivation to actually do this. I think the fact that exercise week had zero effect on the scales has thrown me off course this week, but it's silly to just give up now.

- scrambled eggs, 2 slices toast and butter; watermelon; coffee and milk; glass of milk
- bottle of 7up
- chilli cheese wrap, chips, ketchup, Fanta (I'm sorry, but it was so tasty)
- 2 biscuits
- tea and milk; english breakfast tea and milk; coffee and milk

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I had some good moments in work the last few days that made me think I am highly employable and once I get into the groove, I should find a job in no time. I'm delaying matters because I don't think my head is right at the moment. Sometimes I guess it is better to take action and just plunge headfirst into the next thing, but I really want to embark on the next step of my life feeling happy, confident and chilled. I just really wanted to turn things around on this break. I would say my general daily mood is around 5/10, I would love this to go up to 7 or 8 and really feel like I'm thriving. Hmm.

I think I have made some good headway in not letting the people around me and what they say and do bother me so much. I'm taking a 'live and let live' approach so now the only person I have left to deal with or worry about is me. I only have to consider my own actions and my own feelings. And I'm not comfortable yet. I just want to feel like I'm giving myself a proper chance to be happy in this life. It's taking a long time.
 
M4, D16:

1. How did today go?
Had a pretty good day today. Met a friend for brunch, watched a film, worked in the yoga centre tonight and had my tennis lesson. Nothing major but a nice day all the same.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Tennis lesson.
Cigs 10. Weight 11 stone 9 1/4 pounds. Eek.

Food:
- avocado, tomatoes and goat's cheese on sourdough toast; coffee and milk
- 2 slices toast and butter, mars bar, coffee and milk
- lentil and vegetable soup
- catch bar, can of rock shandy
- coffee and milk, 1 cookie
- chamomile, manuka honey and vanilla tea

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Decided to stay in tonight even though I had the option of going out cos I would prefer to do a run in the morning. Happy with that. Tomorrow will be a boozefest though. It is St. Patrick's Day after all.
 
M4, D17:

1. How did today go?
Hmm. Well, I'm not going to lie. It was a boozefest, as predicted. I had a really great afternoon, it all went a bit wrong as the night went on, but nothing major. I probably was looking for external validation a bit too much, one of my intrinsic flaws.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Attempted a proper run today and failed. Set the tone for the whole day. I probably ran 3k and walked 3k back, but it was not what I set out to do, so I don't feel good about it.

Weight went back down to 11 stone 7 1/4 pounds, thank God. Definitely not in great shape though and suddenly that reunion is only a week away.

Cigs update tomorrow (really bad though).

Food and Alcohol:
- porridge, flaxseed, chia seeds, milk
- 2 slices ham; cinnamon bagel, banana, 1 side almond butter, 1 side peanut butter; mars bar; tea and milk
- 2 330ml cans weiss beer
- pint, tia maria shot, pint, cocktail, glass of white wine, pint, pint
- chicken burger, chips, ketchup
- can of stella artois, pint

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No.
 
Hi Sunflower, yeah, I had fun, but some guy spilled his drink all over me and I went home to change and ended up going back out when I should have just called it a night. Still, no serious damage done today, so all is well.

M4, D17 amendments:
3 glasses red wine. 23 cigs. Gulp.

M4, D18:

1. How did today go?
Slept in very late, watched some tv and then went to see Get Out tonight with some friends. Wow, such a clever, thought-provoking film that also manages to be very entertaining. I watched Nocturnal Animals the other night as well, another one I would highly recommend.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Didn't really leave the couch today but I'm signed up a for a 4 mile run in the morning, even though the thoughts of it now are overwhelming. But I should be able for it I think. Can't wait to get back on plan this week.

Food:
- 6 slices pizza, some chips, garlic dip, most of a 1.25l of Sprite
- bottle of Lucozade, can of orange, 1 choc chip cookie
- ice cream at the cinema, large Fanta

Cigs 5. Weight 11 stone 6 1/4 pounds.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Nope.
 
Sunflower_ said:
Glad you liked Get Out. Such a clever film!
Click to expand...

Yeah, I had dreams about it all last night, it really got into my head!

M4, D19:

1. How did today go?
Had a nice day spent with friends and family. I am pretty wrecked now, it has to be said.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Did a 4 mile run today and did a brilliant time, so I am thrilled.

Weight was a disastrous 11 stone 10 1/4 pounds, but actually, I looked pretty good in my running gear, so I am not that concerned about it. It's all leg muscle. ;) Really, my body is fine except for my belly. That belly will only go when I cut out the booze and sugar. My two best friends.

Food:
- 4 triangle sandwiches, coffee and milk
- coffee cupcake, tea and milk
- roast lamb, gravy, roast potatoes, parsnip and carrots, broccoli and sugar snap peas, 1/2 potato
- coffee cupcake, cream, vanilla ice cream; coffee and milk
- medium Fanta; glass of Sprite
- chamomile tea

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
My run today was so fantastic, I was really encouraged by it. I am completely worn out from Friday though, all the alcohol and cigarettes are taking their toll. My focus this week is on getting lots of rest, eating a balanced diet, and really doing my absolute best to not smoke. I am going to allow myself smoke on Saturday night, so I just have to get it into my head that it is not forever, only 5 days, and if I can run a time like that today, I can really do anything, because I have come such a long way in terms of fitness. This would really help push that on and help me feel energised again.

As for exercise this week, I'm going to play it by ear. Food and not smoking are the main things.

Some other stuff to get done:
- Tidy my room
- Clean the fridge
- Minimal time on my phone/online (I've had sensory overload with it all I think - need to give my brain a break)
Basically, I want a detox week. Let's see how we go.
 
Hi Sunflower - my take on Champix is that I don't want to use a different drug to solve my first drug problem. Even though I know it is highly effective and will work. I guess I just don't like the idea of rewiring my brain that way. But thank you though.

M4, D19 amendments:
9 cigs.

M4, D20:

1. How did your day go?
Slept. Sweat a lot. I've watched a lot of horror films/thrillers the last few days, I've actually really freaked myself out. Slept with the light on last night cos I kept imagining my wardrobe was opening. Yep, officially losing it.

Got up, felt completely demotivated. My friend texted me, he was off from work today, we went for a walk together, the sun was shining and it was really nice.

Came home, watched The Thing, because I loved The Hateful Eight, and that was apparently the inspiration. Preferred Tarantino's work.

2. How was your food and exercise?
The walk I took was over two and a half hours so it was great.

Weight was 11 stone 8, take note for further down.
Cigs: 10.

Food was not good. Also had wine.
- 6 truffle sweets, handful roasted peanuts, cream cake
- mushroom soup, 2 slices brown bread and butter, iced coffee
- small bottle cadet orange
- bottle of red wine

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Inspired by Sunflower, I rooted out an old post I made a few years back. It's actually really inspiring for me because it shows me how far I've come and reminds me of former triumphs:

gossipgirlfan said:
Hey everyone.

I don't know if you're interested, but I thought I'd pop in to give an update on my progress 4 months down the line.

I stuck with my 6 week program, it was really hard, but I got into the exercise part and it gave me the kickstart I needed. I then had to go away for two weeks with work, which always involves eating loads of meals out, but I managed to go for a run nearly every morning, so I didn't let my fitness levels drop, and I was delighted with that.

When I got back, I rejoined the gym, and had a good routine going of about 3 sessions a week. I haven't gone now in a few weeks because I am extremely busy with other projects, but I went for a run yesterday, and will keep that up while my hands are tied. I think I will probably stop my membership at the extreme gym, as while it was brilliant to get me started on this journey towards improved health, I find the classes a huge strain, maybe too difficult, and this is when my fitness levels are quite good. I just thought my face was getting a stressed out look, and that is not what I want to happen. But I am happy to go running/swimming and doing gentler exercise classes like zumba in the regular gym I go to.

A real example of the progress I have made in fitness is that last September, I attempted to hike up a small mountain and I couldn't make it. I went back in November and managed to get to the top, but it was a huge effort. Two weeks ago, I climbed the mountain again with my parents and I literally flew up. I found it so easy! It was such a great moment for me.

As for food, it is an ongoing struggle, but I definitely find myself eating less now. Before, I might buy 3 bars of chocolate in the shop and have them all eaten in the car before even getting in the door, now, I only buy 1. I've really tried to stop this idea of being 'perfect', having a perfect day without sugar, cooking the perfect healthy meal, etc. It's just so damaging, and has really kept me stuck for a long, long time. Now, I am nowhere near 'perfect', but I am making better choices and I feel like exercising even if I haven't eaten all the right things that day, or got up early enough, or all the other rules I make for myself to try to exert some control over this crazy world. I really am starting to let go a little bit.

Anyway, since January, I have lost 16 pounds. I just weighed myself this morning, and I was 12 stone 12 pounds (180). I haven't been below 13 stone in about 4 years I'd say. To say I am thrilled and feeling like a sexy biatch is putting it mildly. I now only have another stone (14 pounds) to go till my BMI is back to normal. I really can't believe it. I have lost roughly a pound a week, which is recommended, and while it might seem like really slow progress, the time has flown and I feel so much better now.

All of these physical changes have inspired me in other ways, and I've finally quit the job I've worked in for the last 6 years that I really hated. Since handing in my notice, it's like another weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and this weight is shifting from my body as well. I don't know what's next, but I'm really excited.

Anyway, just thought this progress update might be helpful to someone and give them some ideas. I wish you all great success on your own journeys.
Click to expand...
 
M4, D20 amendments:
11 cigs.

M4, D21:

1. How did today go?
Very boring day all round.

2. How was your food and exercise?
I'm heading to a pilates class in about half an hour, I haven't done one in a while, so it should be good.

Food:
- omelette with tomato, onion, peppers, spinach and mushroom; 2 slices brown bread and butter
- 3 coffees and milk; 2 lemon and hot water
- potato, lentil and pak choi soup; 1 slice brown bread and butter
- handful of dry roasted peanuts; 3 custard creams; tea and milk
- peanut butter oreo bar (120g)
- chamomile, manuka honey and vanilla tea

Weight 11 stone 6 1/2 pounds. Cigs 2.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Really dreading the party on Saturday. That is all.
 
Ahhh I love your old post - you've come so far!

Why are you dreading the party? Are you going with a friend ?
 
Hi Sunflower. Hmm. I'm dreading the party for a lot of reasons. I guess one of them is that I was always the single girl in college and once again, I'm arriving by myself.

M4, D22:

1. How did today go?
I spent the whole day drinking wine. I'm trying to work out why. Then there was an incident in Westminster - I have friends in London - and heard about it through my Whatsapp group.

What do I feel about the world we're living in? Am I only 'liberally minded' because it will ultimately cause the least discomfort to my way of life? What do I really believe in?

I don't want a war, I don't want to see people I know shipped off and die. But is this because I really care or because I don't want to be put on sugar rations?

I mean, it's all about survival at the end of the day. It's in my best interests to ignore North Korea, Syria, Russia, and just have a 'live and let live' attitude. I'm not even that invested in all the madness that's going on, I don't pretend to be.

I heard Katie Hopkins on the radio today, pontificating about what a terrible person Martin McGuinness was, as if her disgusting comments, while not physically blowing holes into somebody, aren't infecting the minds of her listeners with her abhorrent attitude in general. She kept talking about how you can't take the good stuff that Martin McGuinness has done into account, just as an IRA militant, killing young men with families. If someone judged her only on her negative points, would anyone be sad if she died either? What joy or positivity is she bringing to the world?

2. How was your food and exercise?
Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds.
- bottle of red wine
- bottle of white wine
- cheese and onion crisps, salt and vinegar crisps
- pain au chocolat, filter coffee and milk
- M&S the nutty one (45g bar)

A point about this. Exercise Week from 2 weeks ago worked. I have abs. I look very lean. The belly is not gone but my jeans are very loose. I was disgusted that it didn't work at the time, but it clearly has. I have definitely lost weight. And I still don't feel sexy or happy or anything. I have such baggage about my body and sex. I think when you've been really fat, and you've been young, you really see how much 'personality' comes into play. Women that are mega-confident and fat are idiots. Men don't respect that. I think I get on really well with guys, I have met some lovely ones, but a pretty girl with a trim figure that smiles at them is always enough. Tragic. And men will moan and complain that this is not true - it is.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No.
 
Not sure I understand what you're saying at the end there chick - women that are confident and fat are idiots? I'm confused..why? I don't think that's true.. I have gorgeous male friends who go out with chunky girls over slim ones because they like their personalities and their figures.. I know I'd rather date a heavy confident guy than a slim/ripped guy with low self-esteem.
 
Hey Sunflower, apologies - you're right of course, just went a bit mad in the head. I think my problem is I can't seem to find confidence myself, I don't know why. :(

M4, D22 amendments:
2 rice cakes, 2 slices brown bread with butter and peanut butter, loads of milk. Cigs 13.

M4, D23:

1. How did today go?
I wasn't feeling great today but I actually managed to get loads done. It helped that the weather was lovely.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Went to tennis this evening.

Weight was 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds. Cigs 4.

Food was predictably terrible, hungry all day.
- 2 slices brown bread with banana and peanut butter; glass of milk; handful of dry roasted peanuts
- chicken goujon burger and chips with ketchup; white coffee
- 1 scoop vanilla ice cream, 1 scoop cookies and cream ice cream, bonus really cute guy working in the ice cream shop
- tuna and sweetcorn bap
- slice of avocado cheesecake
- tea and milk x 2; hot water and lemon x 2

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Right. Applied for a job today, don't think I have any hope of getting it, but I left the CV open to any and all recruiters, so hoping something cool will come out of it that way, as that is what happened the last time I was job-hunting. Since the 'dream job' incident, I have decided to just apply for stuff and then forget all about it, until I hear something back for definite.
Also went to my local theatre today and applied to be a volunteer. I love drama and acting, so it would be great to be part of that scene even in some small way.
I spent ages on my cover letter for the job today, God, they are so tricky to write, but I have 3-4 really good ones now, so I have a strong framework for all job applications going forward.
Got a day's work for next Monday, also good.
Sorted out the bill for the tv so that it doesn't get shut off.
My friend contacted me about Saturday, she sounds excited that I will be there, and even though I am massively anxious about it, I'm going to go and do my best to have a great time.
Have all my food bought for tomorrow, so should be able to have a healthy-eating day (boy, do I need one) and am also doing running club in the afternoon and yoga class in the evening.
Have to move on from yesterday's disaster of a day and just put it behind me and move forward again. I will get there!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Hey hon, I'm still here, had an absolutely manic few days, so this is my first chance to post in a while.

Going to forego the usual format for today and just chat because I really don't want to relive all the food and alcohol I consumed over the weekend and instead just give a general update.

Well! Friday I went to running club, did super well, very hot guy has joined running club, all great. Friday night I got into an absolute panic about the party, did the usual drown my sorrows in wine thing, terrible plan!

Saturday I woke up probably still drunk, had a hair appointment where the lady told me I was a really 'chilled out girl', probably because I was still so out of it. She did a great job on my hair though. Came home, packed up my stuff for the party, then hopped on a bus for a journey ride from hell where I felt horrendous. Made it to my destination, found my hotel, got some dinner nearby and came back to get ready.

The party was phenomenal, had an amazing time, everyone seemed so happy to see me, I rekindled lots of old friendships. I had forgotten how much I loved these people at one stage of my life. It was something else.

Had an amazing moment when the first person I ran into had seen me at the peak of my fatness, hadn't seen me since, and was literally astounded and kept telling me how amazing I looked. It was so good. Most of the people there hadn't seen me when I was really heavy, obviously because I was hiding myself away in shame for all those years. And another guy I'd gone to college with had also had a weight loss transformation, he looked incredibly gorgeous with the most stunning eyes, and it just shows how transformative weight loss can be, and how we really use it as a camouflage so that people will leave us alone. I mean, this guy was just as hot as all the 'hot guys' who were in college with me, it was so cool to see. Also reconnected with a friend I had a massive falling out with 10 years ago, hadn't seen her since, it was so nice to be able to draw a line under that and never have to feel bad or worry about it again. Really, it was one of the best nights out I've had in years. And there have been some great ones!

Anyway, Sunday I met another old friend for coffee before getting the bus back, reconnected with everyone this weekend. I felt great at the party because I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed of how I looked, or where I am at with my life, or anything really. There were enough people there still single, some jobless, some not sure where they want their careers to go, etc etc, and that was comforting for me too.

Monday I had work all day, then work at the yoga place, then work again all day, and finally now I'm getting the chance to recuperate tonight, so thrilled. Going to find a good film to watch and sleep. My brain is completely wired from the weekend though, thinking about all the people I met and all the news I got, so I am a bit hyped up.

Also had a think about the next step, really want to stay where I am living at the moment, which is a surprising realisation, but I love my gym, running club, yoga, my house, my routines, and I don't want to give that up yet. So I applied for a work from home job today that I am highly qualified for and is only a 3 month contract, which would be absolutely ideal for me. There's a shared workspace really near my house, and a job like that would give me the flexibility to still do the running club and yoga job because I will be able to set my own hours a lot more. Plus 3 months will give me time to repay all my debts but not feel stuck, which is my biggest fear in life.

Anyway, I will probably not bother trying to do a proper routine tomorrow but have loads of plans for Thursday when I will be back on the goal train!!
 
I am SO glad you had such a great time Emily! It all sounds wonderful & I can see it has been a big boost to your confidence. Good news hon xo
 
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