Emily Rose: The Reboot

7 cigs is not that much for a day.

Good that you went on a run, and your diet of today also looks very healthy! :)

Wow, you live close to the beach?
 
Ahh I live on the beach too :D isn't it lovely for clearing away the cobwebs. It's always empty on ours this time of year - my favourite time to go! Hope today is a good day lovely lady
 
Hey Tri. I live about half an hour from the beach. I don't go that often really. This was just a walk but it was really fun.

Hi Sunflower, I wouldn't say I live 'on' the beach. :) It is very good for clearing away the cobwebs. Our one is always busy, it's probably one of the closest ones to the city. Lots of people go there, just sit in the car and watch the waves for a while. I think there's something really beautiful about that.

M3, D26 amendments:
White tea and tea and milk. 7 cigs.

M3, D27:

1. How did today go?
Just another manic Monday. Working all day, then more or less straight to the yoga place. The girl in the yoga centre who was driving me crazy has been dying sick for the last few weeks, she came in tonight and looked awful, I feel like I cursed her or something. :ambivalence: But she didn't meddle, so there's that.

2. How was your food and exercise?
No exercise today, not much time really. (I left the house at 7:30, came home at 20:30. I really feel like there wasn't time. ;))

Weight was 11 stone 6 1/2 pounds. Out of the danger zone. (I can cope with 11 stone 7 or under. Anything over is too close to 12 stone again for my liking. And I don't want to be 12 stone ever again.)

Food:
- some raspberries; glass of milk
- boiled egg, slice of toast and butter, porridge and milk
- 2 coffees and milk; 2 teas and milk
- pork stroganoff with boiled potatoes and broccoli (it was actually really tasty, but my stomach started doing funny things in the afternoon, so I was a bit concerned. Luckily, it didn't develop.)
- 2 rice cakes with peanut butter (always a recommended snack on diet plans - I'm ditching it. Like the ryvita, just working my way through this packet. Rather eat cardboard.)
- egg salad sandwich; coffee and milk
- turkish delight bar; some kind of fancy tea and milk
- bottle of red :iamwithstupid:
This is the end of it. But March is month 4, I'm getting my focus and energy back, it's really a fond farewell. I just needed one more night of it.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Nah. But that's ok.

The Oscar fuckup has given me so much enjoyment today. Life is so funny sometimes. :D
 
March is your month, ladyyy. You got this! Our beach is always deserted this time of year apart from the car dwellers. I love the insane wind and the biting cold of the beach in winter. Makes my heart swell. I love my town.

I've not seen the Oscar fuck up - will have to check it out! Have a great day babe xx
 
Haha Cate, it really was. Poor ol' Warren Beatty. Although I read a funny quote that it was Bonnie and Clyde trying to pull off one more robbery. :D

Thanks Sunflower. It better be!! x

M3, D27 amendments:
Pack of salt and vinegar crisps. Cigs 9.

M3, D28:

1. How did today go?
I actually had one of the best days I've had in ages. My aunt took me out for lunch, she gave me 50 euro, and this evening my friend went with me to yoga. I felt like it was a good use of my day off. I also had a great sleep.

2. How was your food and exercise?
I did a hatha yoga class tonight. So enjoyable.

Food wasn't great. Also, sneaking in some beer tonight. I will miss this almost as much as the wine.

- porridge, raspberries, blueberries, flaxseed, milk; coffee and milk
- chips, ketchup, coleslaw and BLT with a club orange
- coffee and milk
- creme egg; iced cream bun
- manuka honey and vanilla chamomile tea
- 4 330ml cans beers; 1 can captain morgan and cola

Weight: 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, the first day of March, and month 4 of my challenge. I've learned from the first 3 months that I am just not trying hard enough. I watched some of Khloe Kardashian's Revenge Body programme earlier this evening, it was really inspiring how much these women were able to achieve in 12 weeks. One of them complained to her trainer that she found the treadmill 'boring'. His response was that he didn't give a shit if she found it boring. If she wanted to change, she would have to put in the work. Anyway, it was a good show.

Got a bit of work for Friday, so that's a bit more money in the purse. The weather has gotten better and so will my life. I really hope I am back here tomorrow reporting that I had the most boring day in the world but that I followed my plan, didn't smoke or drink, and I am ready to continue winning. :) Wish me luck.
 
Good to hear that you had a good day! :)

Sounds like you are inspired to take on a challenge! I am happy to hear that, looking forward to seeing you reach your goals!

Btw: I'm still not drinking alcohol, partly out of solidarity for you (but it also beneficial to me in several ways). Anyways, feel free to join, but it's also ok if you don't (so just feel free, that's the message :p).
 
Thanks Cate. Me too!

Haha, thanks Tri. I'm back in as of today.

M3, D28 amendments:
Cigs were 10.

M4, D1:

1. How did today go?
I am in the best mood this evening. Basically, this afternoon I nearly threw in the towel - I bought cigarettes, I ate a giant bar of chocolate and felt sick after it, and things seemed to be sliding out of all control. But a little voice inside of me said, 'Hey Emily, you feel a little bit sick now, but not that sick, so get up and go to the gym like you planned.' And I did. And now I feel wonderful.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Right. Exercise was spin/kettlebells/rip60, so a bit of everything. My legs are a little bit wobbly after it so I know I worked hard.

Weight: 11 stone 6 1/4 pounds
Cigs: 6. I'm working on it.

Today's food: carrot
Carrot heals skin, balances oil production

- porridge, raspberries, blueberries, flaxseed, milk; redbush tea and milk
- omelette with mushrooms, tomatoes, parsley, onion, feta cheese, peppers; white tea
- latte and 135g Galaxy Caramel bar
- chicken stir fry with udon noodles, loads of herbs and spices, chopped tomatoes, natural yoghurt, tomato puree, mushrooms, onions, carrots, peppers
- yogi bedtime tea

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
So, I've been asking myself, 'Why the mid-afternoon binge?' And I figured out it's because I woke up today and instead of doing anything, I watched Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA and Khloe's Revenge Body show. I had this massive void in my afternoon. So, to combat this, I'm going to go to the lunchtime gym sessions from Monday to Friday (whenever I am not working/have something else on - lol). That would mean I can still sleep in late but that I have somewhere to be a few hours after getting up. I think it will really help.

I also studied myself in the mirror at the gym tonight - I think I look really good. My mum was telling me at the weekend I looked great, which is kind of crazy considering all the boozing, but I guess my point is that I haven't fucked it up yet. I can get there. Anyway, going to get an early night, have a training session for work tomorrow for an hour, have some things to sort out in town, and have tennis in the evening. So hopefully all that will keep me away from the giant chocolate bars for one day at least! :)
 
Hey lovely, how was today?

I'm glad you are feeling good about how you look - it's nice to get compliments, all your exercise has been paying off. Hope tennis was fun and you avoided the chocolate xx
 
Wow, 6 six cigarettes. That's one less than 7, niiiice! :D

Awesome job on resisting the chocolate! It may seem like nothing, but these little decisions matter! Btw I would be having a hard time too, in fact there is little chance that I would be able to resist... that's why I generally don't buy chocolate, unless I accept the risk that I devour it within an evening! ...and that's ok every now and then ;)

Good to hear that you were feeling great! I hope today was also super, and (even if it wasn't) that you are able to stick with your goals, so that your life gradually becomes better and better!

Btw good to have you back on board on the no alcohol train! I am still going strong too. I must admit, it's not easy! Many opportunities to drink. But, too be honest, drinking wouldn't make my life better, at least not now. Not that I am a drunkard or anything, but still 1) it costs money (that I could spend better atm) 2) it costs energy 3) it can be embaressing if you had (even a bit) too much in the wrong context 4) it contains quite a lot of calories.
 
Emilyrose said:
porridge, raspberries, blueberries, flaxseed, milk; redbush tea and milk
- omelette with mushrooms, tomatoes, parsley, onion, feta cheese, peppers; white tea
- latte and 135g Galaxy Caramel bar
- chicken stir fry with udon noodles, loads of herbs and spices, chopped tomatoes, natural yoghurt, tomato puree, mushrooms, onions, carrots, peppers
- yogi bedtime tea
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If you take out the middle line your food for the day is excellent Emily. It all sounds so healthy & well-balanced.
Hope tennis was fun & you avoided chocolate bars xo
 
Hi Sunflower - had a great day, thanks.

Hi Tri, yeah, my reasons are: 1) I am powerless over alcohol 2) I eat loads of crap the next day 3) It makes me fatter 4) I get really down after a binge. Really, it brings nothing to my life. I self-medicate with it. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't need to self-medicate anymore.

Thanks Cate, yeah, I was happy with it overall. Tennis was good. :)

M4, D1 amendments: Smoked 8 in the end. (Sorry Tri.)

M4, D2:

1. How did today go?
Actually had a great day. Was it a 'perfect' day? No. But I enjoyed it.

Also - remember I was saying yesterday my plan to go to the gym at lunchtime every day to give me a focus for the day? Well, I went today, and there was a sign up about a running club starting every Friday at 12:30pm from next week on. So exciting. Ask and you shall receive. Sometimes it really feels like there's someone looking out for me up there. :D

2. How was your food and exercise?
Did my lunchtime gym session of a really great spin class (30 min). It's a new teacher, she's fantastic. She also picks really great music. Had tennis for an hour.

Weight: 11 stone 6 1/2 pounds
Cigs: 8

Food was a mixed bag.
Today's food: parsley
Parsley detoxifies, supports healthy hair and nails.

- porridge, raspberries, blueberries, flaxseed, chia seeds, milk; 1/2 an orange
- coffee and milk; kinder bueno doughnut; 1 rice cake and peanut butter
- tea and milk; coffee and milk
- toasted sandwich with butter, ham, coleslaw, spinach, cheddar cheese
- small dairy milk; 1 biscuit
- grilled chicken fillet with salad of parsley, cucumber, tomatoes, peppers, feta cheese
- lindor bar, chocolate rice krispie bar
- chamomile, vanilla and manuka honey tea

It looks like I ate loads but I was really hungry today. Too much shite though.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Not really but I had a really fun day. Working tomorrow, seems a bit trickier than I thought it was going to be, but hopefully it will be fine. I'm in there on my own, and my mum said she would come in and help me if I'm in a panic. Always good to have a plan B. Going to try and get up tomorrow before work and go for a run. My thinking behind that is I have to get up early anyway, so might as well.
 
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Good to hear that you had a fun day! Pity you didn't get closer to your goals, but feeling good is certainly worth something. It's useful if you want to stay motivated to grow.

8 cigs is still not a lot. I often would smoke a package a day. So it could be worse! ;)

Good to read your reasons to quit the alcohol, they are all very valid. Self-medicating with anything is not a good idea, I can tell you from a lot of experience. Having a lot of reasons to quit something (for a while) is also very useful, it gives you multiple sources to draw motivation from. What positive things would you want to achieve? What is your higher purpose of letting go alcohol (again, for a while. And no, I am not talking about god or anything... though it would be ok if you were into that :p... I mean like what is something that you feel can inspire you to keep going?).
 
Hi Tri, I want to stop drinking like this so that I don't feel bad when I wake up in the morning. I like having energy, I like not having that tired feeling behind my eyes. I like being able to exercise and not feeling like there is a heavy cloud I have to get rid of first. I would like to not be lying to myself and those around me.

M3, D3:

1. How did today go?
Had the most stressful day in work. Was stuck in the worst traffic jam of all time, was 45 minutes late, got a scolding from my contact in the agency, arrived in to a barrage of requests that my 1 hour of training did not prepare me for. It was hell, and that tense, stressed out feeling has stayed with me all day.

I went home after work, I did a crossword with my mum, it was really fun. She is so annoying. We are actually so alike, we get super competitive about the crosswords. But, to use the term my dad suggested, we 'brainstormed', and between the pair of us, between much arguing and teasing, we solved the whole crossword. It was actually a lovely evening.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Agh. Didn't exercise today. Awoke to the rain pelting against my window, was like, 'Fuck that', rolled over and slept for another hour.

Weight: 11 stone 6 1/4 pounds
Cigs tomorrow. Stress smoked during work. Smoking since I got back to my town house. Will be high.

Food was bad.
- porridge, raspberries, blueberries, milk, flaxseed
- loads of almonds eaten during the hour I was in traffic, 1/2 orange, coffee and milk
- tea and milk x 2
- chicken and brie mega roll; drifter bar
- 57 g Galaxy bar; coffee and milk
- 9" Hawaiian pizza
- bottle of white wine
- 2 x 500 ml beers

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
This forum is so interesting. I want people to like me here and to cheer me on if I do well. But then you have to think - is this any different to my real life if I am only acting a certain way so that others/society accepts me? Why don't I want to do this for myself? If there were no societal pressures, what kind of heap would I be in? And I'm already in a heap, let's face it.

So, I've been working as a receptionist now for a while, and I've learned that there's a certain type of tone that gets you places with people. It's a 'professional' tone. It goes against all of my natural instincts, but I've started taking it on, and it completely works. Look at me, chameleoning my way through life. I've always wanted to be myself as much as possible (while hiding my darker sides) and yet, here I am, taking the easy route, adopting that tone because people take notice, they don't question you, and your life is a lot more simple. I don't know what exactly I am trying to say.

I guess I am constantly questioning how to be authentic in a world consumed with being as inauthentic as possible to get things done. In my last job, I was completely myself, but ultimately had to deal with some people using me to make themselves feel better, others pitying me, and, I don't know, it's so confusing. I'm confused about who I want to be. Still.
 
Emily, I think we all want people to like us & I think I have wasted half my life worrying about what other people think. I don't see you acting in a certain way in the forum to try to impress us. I see you being human & being uniquely you. Be yourself, sweetie & try to be kinder to yourself & love the person that you are xo Cate.
 
Sometimes it takes a strong person to be themselves is some situations, it gets easier with age.
 
Hi Cate, thank you for that. I am trying to be kinder to myself - I think I have a lot of things from my childhood that have left their mark and I have this need to be liked by everyone, because at one point, no one liked me. I guess I have been living a life to suit others rather than myself and I'm not doing that anymore. And that's scary.

Hi Tru, thanks - yes, I am better than I was! :)

M3, D3 amendments:
Add on a bottle of red wine and 20 cigarettes. Eek.

M3, D4:

1. How did today go?
Very mixed emotions tonight. Felt pretty terrible for the day, had a friend's party this evening that I had to go to. A few things at that were quite upsetting. I won't go into it but I am a little bit sad. At the same time, I had a nice little chat with the husband of a friend of mine, he's a really cool, chilled out guy. He asked me how things were going and I told him not great and that I'm a little bit lost about what I want in my life and where I'm going next, and he told me not to rush, and was just really nice about the whole thing. So that made me feel better. He said if I ever needed someone to talk to, I could talk to him. Which won't happen of course, but it was nice to hear all the same.

2. How was your food and exercise?
I've been in a haze all day - no exercise besides a few walks to town, which were vital.

Weight: 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds

Food:
- 7" chicken and goat's cheese pizza
- 500ml Lucozade
- most of a Club Orange 1.25 litre
- small piece rhubarb tart
- 3 breaded chicken pieces, 3 chicken wings, 2 cocktail sausages, 2 wedges, ketchup
- 3 bottles beer; 5 pints
- 2 chewing gums

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I don't know. I guess I am closer to having a breakthrough of the mind, I really feel I am. I guess I realised tonight that I owe it to myself to be happy and drop the baggage. I was always doing this for mainly aesthetic reasons, but the thing is, I could keep going like this, get plenty of attention and everyone would think I was ok. But I know that I am not giving myself the best chance at life and it's sad and disappointing for me. I mean, if a man at a bar thinks I'm pretty or whatever, that's cool, but a part of me feels I don't deserve that attention. Hmm. I don't know, but I'm going to change. I want to feel energised and most of all - free.
 
Emilyrose said:
I was always doing this for mainly aesthetic reasons, but the thing is, I could keep going like this, get plenty of attention and everyone would think I was ok.
Click to expand...
I do think it´s hard to find a balance in being "acceptable" and being "yourself". I learned so much from "playing" the therapist my first few years on the job (and even during my training). I was the biggest noob in all things social before I started. But then I didn´t just take what I learned about people to my private life, I also took the attitude I grew for the job: be polite, be helpful, be friendly to everyone, be the person each new patient wants to see in this role. And all it did for me was land me with friendships and even relationships with people who couldn´t deal with criticism and didn´t care for other people´s needs. Have been changing that for the past 5 years or so. Now I´m giving "polite but authentic" a shot and it feels pretty good. Next step: apply to myself the skills I used to apply to everyone else. Tl;dr: you can do this change thing, and probably a lot quicker than me :D
 
Hi LaMa, yes, that fine line between being a kind person and being a pushover can be tricky. I think we'll both get there! :)

M4, D4 update: 15 cigs.

M4, D5:

1. How did today go?
Not much happening today.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Stuck to the bed for most of the day. No exercise. Back on track again tomorrow.

Food:
- rest of the bottle of Fanta
- chips with garlic and cheese, burger, large Fanta
- a few chewing gums

Weight: 11 stone 9 1/2 pounds. Feck.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
This week the focus is on lots of training and healthy meals. Got to get the weight under control fast.
 
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