Weight Loss Diary 2017 - Goal 1-0-5

Been on BCP for over a week now.
Three more weeks to assess

Things I have noticed on the pill:
  • My stomach has been feeling better.
  • My skin is looking worse.
  • My energy has been low - this is a constant - I am beginning to feel I have hpothyroid, which could be the reason for my PCOS
  • My hair is still falling - I do not know if it got worse between this week and last, I can't tell anymore.
I am on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo - I don't know if this is the best pill for PCOS but my endocrinologist seems to think so right now. I will ask my doctor - I see her tomorrow.

I booked an appointment with my naturopath on Dec 12th to review my full thyroid panel and DUTCH test. Three weeks away. Feels really really far.

I am going to take a nap - just thinking about all of this is exhausting.

I have been struggling with exhaustion and going after my dreams. It's a tangled place to be in.

For example, re: exhaustion. Some of my friends/coworkers - I just feel like avoiding them - they don't understand how exhausted I feel - mentally and physically - and the expectation is, why aren't you meeting people (offline dating), why aren't you looking for a new job, etc. etc. You should do this, you should do that, it gets very frustrating hearing all of this & I just want to shut down. I just want to sit in my apartment, eat chocolate and watch some mindless TV. The problem is I want to do this most days. Primarily due to depression/exhaustion (physical and mental).

Re: dreams. The harsh reality is I am in a very different place from my friends. They're in relationships and stable careers. I have been struggling with health and I have made no head way in either area. Also, I feel, in some ways, being sick has really opened my eyes to life in general. How precious it is. How health is taken for granted. How relationships and time matter. How opportunity exists for those that want to take it. I've been feeling for a long time that I have outgrown my friends (even before getting sick). For a really long time now. But the reality is crystallizing more and more.

I want to meet people. People are interesting, people have stories, people teach you things and lessons. I want to write, read, take music lessons (piano specially). I want to go out. I want to have a side hustle that doesn't require me to complain about the work week or 9-5. I hate when people say they just need to win the lottery. No, you don't. You either play the fucking lottery to win or you make life happen on your own terms. I can't relate to my friends most days - and the silence and thinking time that being sick has granted me - I can't even explain to
you how being sick makes you appreciate all that you don't have and the things you can do.

Re: friends being in a different space. For example, I have been talking to one friend about a podcast for the longest time and now he's seeing someone and it's on the backburner. But the truth of the matter is, if something is that important to you, you will make it work. My friends are "comfortable" - it drives me nuts. I'm just in a different place in life and my health is holding me back. It really feels that way. I cannot wait to get better. I cannot wait to make this work for me. But in the event I do not get better, in the event it gets worse, the focus and priority will always be me, but I will have to somehow incorporate also what makes me happy.

Anyways, I am just venting. I feel like I belong somewhere else and my health is not making it easier. It's almost forcing me in a different direction and has been for a while. The mental and physical are at war.
 
I binge ate and gained weight. Plus the pill seems to be adding weight.
Applying to a program to get some mental help and some help with weight loss.

CW: 112.2lbs
 
Today I feel my mental health deteriorating. Planning on reaching out to a therapist - not sure how much money I have left in my benefits.

I hate work. I do not want to talk to anyone today. I have locked myself up in a boardroom. I cannot stand work today. I want to leave, I want to get out. I will apply to jobs today. I am tired of living in fear. If they fire me, I will find another job. If they don't, I will find another job. But I don't want to spend one more minute in this place full of silly people. I just don't anymore. My health has kept me back but my mind just can't stand this place. I am going to get back on track with my hormones, and I am going to get back on track with my weight, and I am going to get out of here no matter what.

The fatigue has been killing me. I can't help but think it's my thyroid - but I do not find out till Dec 12th - unless there is a delay in the DUTCH test results.
 
Update on BCP:
- Skin seems to be coming under control
- Digestion is off > constipation, which sucks as I am eating lots of fibre as is
- Hair fall still there > but will take at least 1 -2 cycles to see if this works
- Fatigue is killing me
 
I had a really bad day today. I have never locked myself up in a boardroom; purposefully had minimal verbal contact with people and then left to go home early. I had a short fuse today. I hated work today. My depression was also bad today. I need a new job.

I got home, showered, binge ate on a bunch of chocolate, napped. Then I woke up, cleaned the apartment, did laundry and went to the gym for a bit. Npw I am updating my resume and I will try to wake up early to apply to jobs tomorrow. I am just too tired when I come back home. I have started napping as the fatigue is getting bad. I am not sure if it is the pill or the thyroid. I have always had bad fatigue but I am struggling these days, more than usual it feels. Who knows. I can't tell anymore.

Also, that was my last stash of chocolate from last week, so no more chocolate.

Not giving up. Need to show up for myself.

CW: 112.4lbs
 
misty22 said:
Not giving up. Need to show up for myself.
Click to expand...
That's right, you will make it through this, I know you will.

Good luck on the job search, just be sure you find something that's better for you, one without the need to lock yourself in the boardroom!
 
We are going through layoffs today. If you are impacted, will know by 5pm EOD. Right now is 1:48pm.
Such an odd day.
 
So, it sure looks like the right time to start looking for a new job, regardless of today's outcome.
Sending you a hug, if you feel like one :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
So, it sure looks like the right time to start looking for a new job, regardless of today's outcome.
Sending you a hug, if you feel like one :grouphug:
Click to expand...

Thanks so much, Cate. You are bang on. I didn't lose my job (thankfully) but the structure and job role just isn't what I want. Definitely time to look.

Two realizations today:
1) Need to move to a place I can grow
2) Never want to be tied badly to a single job financially - double income would be best
 
misty22 said:
I didn't lose my job (thankfully) but the structure and job role just isn't what I want. Definitely time to look.
Click to expand...
Sounds like it, nothing more stressful at work than the uncertainty of layoffs. How hard or easy will it be for you to find something different?
misty22 said:
Never want to be tied badly to a single job financially - double income would be best
Click to expand...
Good rules to live by! However the first part may be easier to achieve than the second. Good luck with it!
 
alligatorob said:
Sounds like it, nothing more stressful at work than the uncertainty of layoffs. How hard or easy will it be for you to find something different?
Good rules to live by! However the first part may be easier to achieve than the second. Good luck with it!
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Hey Rob!

It's been tough finding a job to be honest, it will take a few months at least. My new boss is like a robot - no emotion. I have worked with him before but it's different working with him as a direct manager. I had a meeting with him today, and it was uncomfortable. I ended it ten minutes early because it felt like despite the delicate/sensitive situation in the office, he could not empathize. They put someone with zero marketing experience in a Marketing Director role - go figure. My role has a sales element to it as well, which my new boss (J.) will likely focus on more as he has a sales background. But I value my marketing experience more - so we both value different things, there will definitely be conflict. I don't think he likes me as we have had different perspectives in the past and I have voiced them. I have been vocal at work because it is a hot mess. There is a restructure every year - that is not healthy. This year 300 people were impacted in some way. Anyways, will have to work with what I have in the interim. There is a senior manager role open under the same Director that I am considering applying to. It's not the best - the two brands are declining in sales but its a transition point for me to another role outside the company.

My diet hasn't been great. To be honest, it has been difficult staying motivated. I started, in great part, on this diet to balance my hormones and that has not been achieved. The hair loss is still brutal. I'll have to cut it off if the loss does not taper in the next few weeks. I am on my third week of birth control. It's still early, but a part of me was hoping the loss would taper off. I have to give it at least 2 - 6 more weeks.

I'll get back on track with the diet, no worries.

The hospital has not called back re: egg freezing. But I don't mind as of now, I told them if I do the procedure, it would be for next year anyways. With everything going on with me, I can't think of that right now.

Dating is on hold until the new year. Hopefully the hair loss tapers and I can get a bit of confidence back in that area.

Re: thyroid health, still waiting for the Dec 12th appointment. Open to trying thyroid hormone, if needed.

This weekend I am visiting family, dad's birthday. Will be good to see the parents for a bit. They can't relate to anything I am going through, they had a very different experience growing up. But it will be nice to see them.
 
Hopefully, the pill will make a difference soon, especially to your hair loss. Enjoy your weekend with your family, Misty xoxo
 
I'm slowly going back into clean eating - which I need to do to lower body inflammation. The pill inflames the body & puts stress on the liver, thyroid and the gut- so I will consciously have to continue to eat clean + nourish myself + supplement. It will be difficult with the holidays coming up but I will stick to my routine for the work week as best as I can.

Have decided to increase the weight loss goal to 100lbs. Thought about it for a while, and it's still within a healthy BMI range. Will reiterate as we go. I may stop at 102/103lbs. I'd be happy there too. It's going to take 2-3 months to get there I feel, but I will get there.

I want to incorporate more prayer/meditation in my daily schedule. Slowly working on that.

Saw my parents today, was so good to see them. I hadn't seen them in weeks. Thinking of spending some time with them next weekend, perhaps Friday. I could use the emotional support, plus the thought of them not being around one day scares me to death.

CW: 110.6lbs
 
misty22 said:
Have decided to increase the weight loss goal to 100lbs. Thought about it for a while, and it's still within a healthy BMI range. Will reiterate as we go. I may stop at 102/103lbs. I'd be happy there too. It's going to take 2-3 months to get there I feel, but I will get there.
Click to expand...
Very rational, I like your thinking!
misty22 said:
Saw my parents today, was so good to see them. I hadn't seen them in weeks. Thinking of spending some time with them next weekend, perhaps Friday. I could use the emotional support, plus the thought of them not being around one day scares me to death
Click to expand...
No they won't be around one day, hopefully far into the future. When they are you will not regret any time spent with them now. But don't be scared, death is a natural part of life, spend quality time with them while you can and you'll be fine.

You are sounding more positive about your situation, that's good.
 
alligatorob said:
No they won't be around one day, hopefully far into the future. When they are you will not regret any time spent with them now. But don't be scared, death is a natural part of life, spend quality time with them while you can and you'll be fine.

You are sounding more positive about your situation, that's good.
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:iagree: with Rob.
Just enjoy quality time with with your folks. None of us live forever xoxo
 
alligatorob said:
Very rational, I like your thinking!

No they won't be around one day, hopefully far into the future. When they are you will not regret any time spent with them now. But don't be scared, death is a natural part of life, spend quality time with them while you can and you'll be fine.

You are sounding more positive about your situation, that's good.
Click to expand...

Thank you, Rob xx
 
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