Ryan's Journal

Of course.
The American war of independence was fair enough. Sending over a whole batch of people who are prepared to kill the indigenous to pinch their land and taxing them harshly was always going to produce war.
The ozzies went a bit far on their revenge though. Admittedly we sent over a bunch of crooks but seriously sending Kiddie Minogue back was taking things too far.
Nowadays of course we still have an empire, we own the Falklands for strategic sheep purposes. The Welsh needs somewhere to go on holiday and they are an important county of England. The welsh have provided such famous contributions as the elven language on the lord of the rings and, well that's it actually apart from that they are largely useless.

Politics and history nicely abused there.

My own heritage is great. My mother did a genealogy search years ago and found that her side were workers all the way back and my fathers side went back to some likely Italian illegal immigrants who pinched a local surname, as often happens. So I am living proof the Italians will have anything that's not nailed down.
 
I remember stepping into an online discussion between an aussie and yank were the insults were getting a bit too heated, it was only comments to a music video. I stated that watching an aussie and yank comparing culture was like watching two virgins discussing carnal knowledge, then went on to take the mick out of them and the UK as former owners of both their countries. Both of them liked the comment and it brought the conversation back to a more light an humorous level.
There is a lot of ex-empire thinking in the UK and I do find it hilarious to watch people act as if we are still incredibly important on the world stage, when we so clearly aren't. We are a part of the continent of Europe and refuse to properly join the EU, preferring to act like the 53rd state of the US in only the worst ways. It's always fun playing with the ex-empires, they generally go some pretty shades of red and purple and get flustered when basic politics and humour are combined to make them look the idiots they are.
 
So, after a week off due to mild illness, I guess you could say I had a cardio session last night...in the form of bushdancing with the band System of a Hoedown. Some highlights:

- The Nutbush done to Rage Against The Machine backing
- Being taught explicitly all the steps to dance like your uncle at a barbecue who doesn't know how to dance and is feeling tremendously awkward about the whole ordeal. This dance came quite naturally to me.
- The Chicken Dance done to Eminem: Lose Yourself
- Congo Line to Guns and Roses: Sweet Child of Mine
- Limbo to Tenacious D: Tribute
- Freestyle circle. I decide: "You know what? I'm gonna go for it, jump in and not care if I make a fool out of myself. Alright, let's go!" I jump in. The music stops. Lead singer: "You know, I really admire a man who keeps on dancing even without the music. There's something I'd really like to say to that. [long pause] But first, LET ME TAKE A SELFIE!"
- System of a Hoedown have a rule: If you're not sure what you're supposed to be doing for any given dance, just charge at someone and crash tackle them.
- By virtue of some early dances, I held various girls' hands. Achievement unlocked.
 
Ditto the cold stopping training. You seem to pass me these colds far too often, people will start to talk!
I am virtually over it now but not willing to risk training and making myself ill again so it will be a full 2 weeks off.
 
Deadlifts are the big thing with clients lately. I'm training a PT who, after an injury, was super keen to get back into deadlifts (and I've been getting such good results out of her deadlift technique that upper body work is proving to be more of a concern for preventing reinjury). Last night I got an online client sending me a deadlift form check on his road to a 225kg deadlift. This morning, even though no one was watching, I felt the pressure was on to make sure I was extra diligent with my own technique.
 
I am using fatties to ensure I keep weight down on deads and keep form safe and perfect. By the time I get back to serious weights I will have forearms like Popeye.
 
That's the goal.

My quads are still sore from Thursday. I managed to overcome crippling soreness for another bushdance last night. Don't mistake this for a new, regular hobby. It just so happens that two overlapping groups thought this would be a great way to have one-off fun, and the timing was remarkably close.

This weekend has been emotionally intense, draining and invigorating. Mostly in that order. Brought some reality to the idea that people are more horribly broken and evil than you ever suspected, and more wonderfully loving than you ever suspected.
 
This weekend has been emotionally intense, draining and invigorating. Mostly in that order. Brought some reality to the idea that people are more horribly broken and evil than you ever suspected, and more wonderfully loving than you ever suspected.
Click to expand...

Sounds intriguing and as if there was a positive outcome. Hope all is well in your world, Ryan.
 
^ Personal experiences were shared extensively, featuring rape, addictions, adultery and suicide attempts. Hugs were also shared, as well as experiences of recovery from all of the above.
 
The statistics on those are quite terrifying. Last time I checked a lot of this is over 15 years ago, but I doubt things have improved.

Over 2/3 of women in countries that keep statistics have been raped at least once, compared to between 1 and 2% of men. Most rape is committed by men, including that on other men. The majority of people who are victims of rape don't fight back in order to minimise harm and do not report the incident. The vast majority of girls are taught how to minimise risk of rape but the majority of boys are not taught not to commit it or ways to improve self control, so the problems will continue.

The number of people who have been addicted, either officially or not to a currently illegal addictive substance is somewhere between 20-30% of the population. Add in legal substances the number is over 90%, though this includes caffeine. Crimes related to alcohol issues outnumber those related to illegal drugs over 4 to 1, even when taking into account possession, sale etc. The number of lives damaged by alcohol directly or indirectly is terrifying, as an indirect I think the most scary part was getting to adulthood and realising that alcoholic parental care isn't the norm.

Never really got adultery. Both of my parents committed it multiple times, I spent most of my single life openly unfaithful so people knew I was to be used and abused not taken seriously, but I couldn't ever be unfaithful to my wife. This is undoubtedly an over simplification but if you're capable of adultery you married (or equivalent) the wrong person, or you weren't ready to commit yourself when you did. I know I have the best out there for me so there is no way I would want to look elsewhere or risk losing the best for someone else, if that isn't how you feel, it's not the right person.

I am a 'saved' abortion so suicide is something I tried a few times. Final attempt was jumping off a river bridge and hoping my negative buoyancy and desire to die would be enough. It wasn't of course, no matter how much your mind wants to die your instincts don't, I was close enough to blacking out that I remember seeing the light sky going dark before breaking the surface, but I made it. There are virtually no saved abortions who don't try suicide at least once, It's not difficult to know you weren't wanted, of course being told directly that you were born because Dad wouldn't let Mum abort makes it that bit more obvious.
This is why I always congratulate pro-lifers on a happy childhood and tell them to thank their parents. The pain and suffering I caused myself trying to die was far more than I would have experienced dying as an embryo. If I had succeeded this would have been worse still.

The reason I am so happy to consider myself arrogant is because I know how horrible it felt to consider myself worthless, better to have too much confidence than not enough, my opinion of course.
One of the things I started assessing when turning 41 was how recently I would have ben able to say at least half of my life has been worth living and I have liked who I am.
The key parts people leave out when talking about the road to recovery is that most of the work has to be done by the person with this issues, they have to really want to do the work, it can take several years to make any headway and there will be times on the way you will feel worse than before you started.
All the help in the world is useless if you aren't willing to work at least twice as hard as the combination of those assisting you. When you open the box that is your minds locked history you realise the things which your mind locked up were to preserve your sanity and happiness. It isn't unusual to start remembering one thing and it lead to others, in times like this you can find yourself with a placid face and tears while your mind brings back things you struggle to believe or accept. This is the time you are at most risk, the tantrums etc. help you clear your mind this is when your mind truly cannot cope.

The part most aren't ready for when helping someone through tough times is the pain they will receive in return. I am very analytical and horribly good at finding the weaknesses and pressure points in others. When I have been in emotional pain under guidance of others I have automatically sent them on journeys they weren't ready for as a form of defence. This is not intended as malicious it is just a reaction to stop the increasing pain levels.
Most expect tantrums, tears, maybe insults but there are often other things far worse. My help wasn't professional and unconnected, the main person who provided support is now my wife. A lot of my issues had been dealt with or ignored by this time, but it became clear ignorance couldn't continue and she worked me through a lot of things, in return I tore her apart emotionally several times. It is not for nothing that I declare myself lucky to have my wife.

I don't tend to go in for group therapy style conversations. I will happily share things in groups that are no longer an issue, but I guess the part of me that spent so many years scared to feel is still stopping me opening up open wounds to more than myself and my wife.
 
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I still hear the same statistics on rape. Given that it is understood to be under-reported, I'm skeptical of the accuracy/validity of said stats (how can you know how many people have been raped if they aren't telling you?), but I'm in no denial of the prevalence of sexual abuse. The stats might be an exaggeration, or they might be an under-representation. Who knows?

I don't think the issue is so much that males aren't taught not to rape (given that when I make blanket statements such as "everyone is evil," the most frequent objections I hear are: "I'm not a murderer or rapist!" it seems that superficially rape is not considered acceptable). Rather, there's a whole lot of sexual abuse that males aren't taught constitutes rape, and society has this thing against asserting morals into any issue, meaning that a good reason not to rape (beyond it'll make you look bad) is often left out of the discussion.

On the first point, as an example, it's often considered acceptable to have sex with a girl via means of getting her so drunk that she won't stop you from having sex with her. Similarly, many think that if you're married it isn't rape (I'm appalled that anyone can justify raping their spouses, but then the majority of rape is thought to come from people who are close to the victim, including family members), or if it isn't violent it isn't rape. On the second point, rather than dissuading rape itself, this gives guys an incentive to cover up the evidence, because if you leave morals out of the story, then instead of considering what's good for her the reasoning becomes what keeps you out of trouble. Empathy. Morality. Reasoning. Equality. These concepts get thrown around a lot, and because people use these words they assume they apply them, but an actual applied ethic of empathic moral reasoning based on the axiom that each person has equal value and should be treated with equal dignity (not to mention deeper moral reasoning to justify that axiom) is not a very common practice. Thus I'm back to my assertion that everyone's evil (myself included, because when I do reason through such an ethic, I find myself demonstrably falling far short of what living that out would look like), and adding to it another assertion, that common sense -- despite every appeal to it -- is not a virtue.

I feel that "rape culture" is a misnomer, because it defines culture by rape, rather than simply recognising that there's a lot of rape in culture (this would be like calling Australia "White culture," despite the many non-white ethnic groups and cultures in Australia), and it effectively blames everyone for all rape. It's also suspicious to me that we would define a culture by the prevalence of a certain kind of victim rather than the perpetrators (2/3 of women are said to be raped in their lifetimes; how many men are said to do the raping?). Even so, it is a shockingly prevalent issue, and there are significant cultural issues that are conducive to it.

Incidentally, the suicide story discussed in most detail last Saturday night was two attempts, about two weeks apart, at jumping off a bridge in the city here. First attempt, friends intervened. Second attempt, a police officer grabbed him and restrained him literally as he was jumping.

I've had three seasons of being suicidal myself. The first was approximately 6 months long. I didn't attempt suicide in that time, but every morning I woke up ambivalent about whether or not that day would be the day I finally did it. Third time was a two month stint at the start of 2012. I didn't feel like I was able to talk to anyone about it, because I felt like I'd just come across as someone trying emotionally blackmail his ex back into a relationship with him. Second time was fairly brief, and I didn't even realise I was in that place until I fully submerged myself into a pool and had to think long and hard while I was down there about the pros and cons of coming back up for air.

Well, in less gloomy news,
 
I hate the blame going on culture for various things. I hear about drugs culture, rape culture, violent culture as if this is something we can't fix.
The truth is we need to decide some important things.
Is it broken?
What makes it broken?
Do we really want to fix it?
What needs to happen for it to be fixed?
How long will this take to fix?

Unfortunately when something is a part of the culture time is often counted in generations, and sickeningly a couple of generations can go by and people forget how badly things were broken before. An example I hate is drink driving. I remember seeing someone boasting about this in a bar and being told they had seconds to leave intact due to the number of us who had lost friends or loved ones due to drink drivers. A few decades later it seems to have been forgotten by a number of the younger generation how stupidly dangerous this is because the number dying from it has dropped so far and famous people are doing it so it must be OK. So while it would have been easy to assume we were on the right path in fact we are drifting off course again.

Cultural issues need education to change but all too often they are put across stupidly. One of the best adverts I have seen to date that tackles the issue of rape is quite recent. It shows someone looking in on themselves performing rape, not the Hollywood violent version, very much the 'but we've come this far' version that is far more common. The voice over is saying 'if you watched yourself from outside would you see rape?' This was only aired for a short time and I do wonder if it got complaints, personally I would worry about those who complained if it did. I found it horrific and disturbing as I feel anyone should, not all lessons can be easy to digest.

I have seen adverts to discourage use of narcotics that relied so heavily on misinformation they were quite simply insulting to the intelligence of those watching them. As such they got ignored and the problem continued. In today's world of people promoting the joys of drugs the only way to encourage people to think about it properly is by giving them a balanced view of the truth. There is no point showing pictures of long term junkies and saying this is what drugs means when they will know a list of celebrities who have used drugs and look nothing like that. All this does is make people wonder what they aren't being told and if they can't find out from anyone else they are more likely to experiment.

I have told a number of people who are in their teens and struggling with life at school etc. to persevere because adulthood is where the people making their lives hell in school become the nobodies in society and they can start making their own lives. I know this is true from experience but I am also aware how trapped you feel at that age, with others controlling every environment you are in, home, school etc. I still haven't found a way to really get this message across in a way that make is feel worth holding out, partially because I know that the hell you live in then is followed by more as you fix it if you can be bothered. It's hard to make a good case of suffer for likely half as many years as you have already been alive then it will start improving and eventually become great.
This period is so about conformity, I hated it. School want you to conform one way, peers want you conform in others with fashion etc. parents want you to conform others ways still. Stuck in the middle you are trying to figure out who the heck you are and who you want to be. In later life you realise that it's the non-conformists who walked their own path then came back to relative normality that achieved and the insistence on being one of the crowd just meant it was harder to figure out who you really are. Off course with no guidance at all we would likely become an absolute mess too. Finding the balance will always be difficult.

It's hard to say how long I was suicidal for, the attempts covered a period of almost a year, but I had been building for a while before it. It built up very slowly and in truth was literally down to feeling worthless and that it would be easier to die than have to deal with life. Finding myself incapable of killing myself enhanced the feeling worthless part, but I realised dying wasn't going to be easy either.
I managed to turn the lack of care whether I lived or died into a path into dangerous sports and increased my confidence meaning I started to feel more worthwhile and on the path to valuing my life. I wouldn't recommend this route to anyone else, because of the number of times I very nearly did die during this period.
I think the hardest part to deciding you are going to make something of your life, the usual follow up to deciding to stay alive unless you accept long term depression, is accepting how long this will take and that the end result will likely be nothing close to what you expect. I know the life I anticipated was nothing like the one I live, but the variations off the path have given me some of the best parts.

I do think depression is one of the least understood issues in the modern world. I had it for years without realising until I had pulled myself most of the way out of it and still wouldn't profess to understanding it. The way a state of mind can change your internal chemical balance to such an extend you can end up with symptoms ranging from lethargy to mania or dulled nerves to daily pain is hard to come to terms with. The fact so many of us have suffered with it but so few truly understand the issue or variety of cures makes this a very unique issue.
This isn't helped of course by the volume crying wolf because they feel a bit down, which is like declaring you have bubonic plague when you have a cold. Even as someone who's been there I will confess I tend to be sceptical of others declaring they suffer depression, purely because of the people overstating themselves, which only makes things worse.
 
I would like to think I've visited that dark place for the last time (2011), but I know it can sneak back up on one. For that reason when I feel the blues coming on, I pay attention and start taking some of the actions that have helped me in the past, as I don't want to go any deeper. That bleak despair and the flatness is awful, as is the not caring.
 
I remember having a conversation with my brother on his stag night where he was expressing how much he admired the things I had done in line of dangerous sports and lifestyle that went with it. I know him trying to be too much like big brother had been an issue for him in the past, we weren't brought up together so he got highlights not full story, so I pointed out that this wasn't necessarily something to admire.
I asked him what sort of person you would need to be if willing to put your life on the line often several times a day for nothing particularly useful. He looked confused for a moment and responded that you would have not to be afraid to die, I added or not care if you did. He realised that the lifestyle he had admired was the result of being someone not to, and I pointed out that he was the person to admire for being committed to a path for so long and just doing it. Some may feel I shouldn't have damaged his illusion but I feel reality is essential.
He's had low times as we all do but not that low gladly. Much as my dad is no bargain, but it appears he did a better job than my mum for those living in his care.
I don't really get the dark times anymore. I get low and fear losing those I love of course but my life is good and I enjoy it. I wish for more of course, home is on border of inner city and I love the open outdoors I can't afford to live near, but if I had that there would be something else I wanted and didn't have. I appreciate what I have and feel that for most of my life I didn't deserve to have it so good, so I am thankful for it. This isn't the only reason for the dark times as I know well but I see many falling that way due to losing sight of what they have in their life, I keep a close mind on this to ensure I don't lose sight of it and risk losing what I have.
 
The truth is we need to decide some important things.
Is it broken?
What makes it broken?
Do we really want to fix it?
What needs to happen for it to be fixed?
How long will this take to fix?
Click to expand...
Totally agree with this. I'd add another question to the mix: What motives and practical issues are stopping us from fixing it? For the most part, we tend to be quite intrinsically motivated to continue doing things as they are, because it's easy, and even if it doesn't really work, we're masters of feeding ourselves the story that it does (or just being excessively comfortable with the problems).

My ventures into the abyss have made me an incurable philosophy type, as I've realised with abounding clarity that the story I got from society on why I should choose to live today rather than die is vacuous. For a long time, my favourite book of the bible was (and perhaps still is) Ecclesiastes, for having seen King Solomon in his royal privilege take so many of the things that people say life is all about, live them out to their logical conclusion, and conclude: "Meaningless, meaningless; utterly meaningless; everything is meaningless."
 
I think meaning is very personal. My life was incredibly shallow for so many years and the targets were very much about self gratification, winning or doing well in a climb, fornicating with who ever asked and them liking it. When I finished this it became about looking better and being able to have women interested in me knowing they weren't coming after me as much anymore. All the depth of a puddle, mainly ways to inflate my ego that was so absent for many years as a child and young teen. At this time I would have said these things gave my life meaning, but in truth I already knew they didn't.

The things which have given meaning to my life are my wife and son and ironically I didn't expect to get either. When your reputation is a disposable toy it is very unusual to find someone who will invest feelings for long, and even more unlikely they will stick around when finding out what a mess you are. Add to that a virtual lack of awareness of my own feelings and I so seriously deserved to grow old alone as I expected to.
I got more than what I wanted with my wife, I got what I needed, someone willing to give me a sever kick in the rump when needed and willing to help me through a lot of difficult stuff. The start was very much a case of like her, time and familiarity meant I realised there was a lot to love about her.
My wife was severely damaged internally due to repeated parental abuse, having a gynaecologist point out the mess he has removed could only be the result of repeated internal abuse as a child is why I shouldn't be left alone with her parents, the result was she was supposed not to be able to conceive. I have a count low enough to have odds less than 1 in a million, so fair to say we couldn't plan to have a child even though we wanted one. As it was the damage meant the birth nearly killed my wife but my son was born strong and healthy, and has been so ever since.
I got exactly what I wanted there too, when I listed in my mind what I valued most highly I didn't realise there was a name for it, Asperger's. Now I work hard to deserve the child I wanted and have.

The things that have given meaning to my life are not things you can plan, schedule or prepare for. Everyone I know who has been looking for a husband or wife became unhappy shortly after finding them. My system was looking for miss right while having fun with miss wrongs, in truth never expecting to be successful. A partner won't be what you expect because you will both change due to your relationship, it's all about if you change closer or apart.
Much as I know my son is what I wanted, you don't get to choose and when you get what you want there is always a cost. This is a step too many take lightly or have set plans for. Children don't know your plans and are great at destroying them through innocent ignorance. Parenthood isn't friendship, you have to be willing for your child to hate you as well as love you, and that will tear you apart so be ready.

Life is meaningless if you seek meaning, because by definition you won't have your meanings in mind. The way I found it was be assessing what live means to me. Now it means being dad first, husband second, me third, my wife knows this and has equivalent priorities giving her life meaning.
She has dark times sometimes because she still thinks the person she met over 15 years ago may come back, and he was a grade 1 a hole. No amount of telling her that person has gone will take away the damage I did, but as time goes by these instances become less frequent. On the list of people I hate for hurting her is the person I was those years ago, I feel the pain she suffers during these times most deeply because I caused it.
 
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