J's Journal

GoldStar said:
Hey MercurialMiss, I've really enjoyed reading your diary.. You express yourself very well and you're intelligent and kind.

Well done on your weight loss so far You've done fabulously :)

Sorry this is so long, I feel like my reply is going to take up an entire page of this thread
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Thank you for the complements. I truly appreciate you taking the time to write all this out for me, especially sharing your own story. I've dealt with clinical depression since I was a teenager so at this point I know the warning signs it's going to hit an while I've gotten good at diverting it... sometimes it's the perfect storm and there's really nothing I can do except ride it out. That's where I am an I'm desperately trying to crawl out doing everything I know to do but it is what it is and when it's over I know I'll just have to dust myself off and get back to my weight loss.

I'm actually a big fan of the distilled version of your advice "Free your mind and your ass will follow" or "clean bed clean head" so I've been trying to do things to make myself feel better (Yes, including taking care of myself & surroundings like I usually would after 2 days in bed). I'm slowly but surly getting there. I'm also trying harder to be a better friend to myself but it's hard when your mind/body betray you in a way that I'll be dealing with the rest of my life. I've mostly accepted it but some times I get angry and there's no one to take it out on but myself. I think it's a paradox everyone living with mental-illness/neurodivergence has to wrestle with. Some days are just better or worse than others.

I hope I can get out of this funk soon and enjoy a bit of my birthday and make a little progress towards my goals before next month. If not? I'll just tell myself weight loss deferred isn't weight gained and be happy.

I hope everyone is doing well.
 
Hi all! After a little depression hiatus I'm feeling much better and back to work. I weighed myself this morning and I'm at 253. So I gained 4lbs in the last month. Not as bad a gain as completely dropping off my plan could have been and I'm hoping to get back in the 240's by next week. I just wanted to say again I really appreciate all the messages of solidarity and helpful suggestions from everyone while I was going through this hard time. I hope everyone is staying safe & healthy.
 
Hi, Jess. Kudos to you for showing support to others when you have been struggling yourself. That shows what a good person you are. Depression is awful & you have done well only gaining 4 lbs while feeling so low.
 
Cate said:
Hi, Jess. Kudos to you for showing support to others when you have been struggling yourself. That shows what a good person you are. Depression is awful & you have done well only gaining 4 lbs while feeling so low.
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Thanks, I really do appreciate that.
 
It's weigh in day!!! I'm happy to report I'm back to 250 which means by the end of next week I should be into my 240's. IDK what it is about my 240's that seems to be a block for me but I've noticed I've been dragging my feet a bit about making the progress I should have been. I'm not beating myself up over it so much as trying to examine why I'm reacting the way I am. The only thing I can come up with is the last time I was 240 was just after I got out of college which was a VERY stressful time in my life. Prior to that I never really kept track of my weight or took pains to lose any of it. I also know a component is my weight has stopped me from doing things that I won't be able to avoid when I lose it. It's a protection as much as a hindrance in many ways and getting on the down swing of this weight I'm trying to lose means I won't have that added layer of protection/excuse for not doing somethings.

I've also spent years dreaming about what if I lost the weight and now I'm starting to see the physical signs that my body isn't going to bounce back the way I would like from years of abuse. I know how to deal with being over weight I don't know how to be average weight but with hanging skin. Reality intruding in to idealized fantasy is never fun. I know the only way out is through and I need to stop borrowing trouble BUT when the stressing out is affecting my progress I have to examine it and adjust my expectations accordingly. Just going to keep with the program and deal with the rest as it comes.

Hope everyone is staying as safe as possible and you & your loved ones are doing well.
 
MercurialMiss said:
I also know a component is my weight has stopped me from doing things that I won't be able to avoid when I lose it. It's a protection as much as a hindrance in many ways and getting on the down swing of this weight I'm trying to lose means I won't have that added layer of protection/excuse for not doing somethings.
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I know that so well! Took me quite a bit of therapy to deal with. Also:
MercurialMiss said:
I know how to deal with being over weight I don't know how to be average weight but with hanging skin. Reality intruding in to idealized fantasy is never fun.
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I think that's always true when we lose a good bit of weight. I quite like how I look these days but I'm definitely no model in the making :D Still feel a lot better now than before though.
 
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