Jack's Diary

Hi Marisa,

It's very cool that you're learning Japanese. Fair warning - that's a steep hill to climb. If you like French, Spanish or Italian, I would shoot for those - you'll get there a lot quicker.

If you really want to get serious about Japanese, check out r/LearnJapanese. They are full of good tips.

As far as the past and future, what I like about Zen in particular, is the argument that the past is non-existent, so why worry about it? The only thing that exists is right now. This also applies to anxiety=fear about the future - non-existent.

One thing about Zen to me is the riddles and the cryptic-ness of it. Eckhardt Tolle explains all that in such a lucid way. Also, he doesn't necessarily focus on sitting meditation. But I do think I need a way to actively put it in practice. Because otherwise, I tend to get caught up on the "streams of thinking and emotion" rather than the "stillness" underneath.

Anyway, that's pretty heavy for a Sunday morning. I hope you have a great day.
 
Yesterday was a pretty tough day. I am jet-lagging and was up till 3 a.m. on Thursday trying to get a good test of install for a client that didn't work. I finally got the test, but now I can't get into the server because I have forgotten two new passwords, so it will have to wait for tomorrow.

Also, I felt very distant from my wife, as it's hard on her when I speak my limited Japanese all the time. I finally broke down and said let's speak English for now. Sometimes you have to give to get, I suppose.

I have a lot of anxiety right now about the job because there are a million things to do. But, one thing at a time. P will be back after a couple of weeks. Between him and myself, we will make a strong app support team.

That's one thing about working with people from India. A lot of them spend their entire vacation time on a big trip back home, and just hang out there for a month. Another guy is going Tuesday and I need him to do something for me tomorrow when he's going to be super busy. Oh well, that's not critical, as I will have my PC password back by then. I just had a two-week vacation and it was so long compared to the half-week plus weekend vacations I usually take.

Another minor problem is that I can't find my wireless earbud recharger right now. I hope it's at work.

Last night I was freaking out about work, so I went downstairs and slept on the couch listening to good ol' Eckhardt Tolle on youtube. It was good - he said you get caught up in streams of thought and emotion and "you are lost". Which exactly describes how I was yesterday. But, I got a good night's sleep and am feeling a little better.
 
jackbenimble said:
Hi Marisa,

It's very cool that you're learning Japanese. Fair warning - that's a steep hill to climb. If you like French, Spanish or Italian, I would shoot for those - you'll get there a lot quicker.

If you really want to get serious about Japanese, check out r/LearnJapanese. They are full of good tips.

As far as the past and future, what I like about Zen in particular, is the argument that the past is non-existent, so why worry about it? The only thing that exists is right now. This also applies to anxiety=fear about the future - non-existent.

One thing about Zen to me is the riddles and the cryptic-ness of it. Eckhardt Tolle explains all that in such a lucid way. Also, he doesn't necessarily focus on sitting meditation. But I do think I need a way to actively put it in practice. Because otherwise, I tend to get caught up on the "streams of thinking and emotion" rather than the "stillness" underneath.

Anyway, that's pretty heavy for a Sunday morning. I hope you have a great day.
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Hi! I am glad you are allowing yourself to speak in both Japanese and English to your wife. I have trouble connecting to my hubby just in English at times!

I studied a little of the Romance languages and didn't really get into them, but did learn a little Korean before teaching English there for a summer. I like how it is more like learning a programming language and how it forces you to slow down and look carefully at the new alpabet or characters because both me and my daughter have trouble with mixing up letters in words we read and learning a new alphabet cured that for me. And we aren't really aiming at fluency, we just like the experience of being able to say some key things in the language so when we travel there it will be a little easier. I am not very tech savvy - is this the site you meant
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or is that some sort of app?

I agree about Zen - the more I meditate, the more I see how very beautiful and full of wonder each moment is, and when I am in my head looking back or forward, it is just canned ideas, and doesn't compare at all to being present. I think when I meditated at first, it was so so hard that I equated being present with fighting thoughts and trying to still them, but now that I let the thoughts do what they want and just sink into the stillness underneath them, it is like seeing the world as a great painter or poet or inventor does. Every mundane thing is so full of life and interest. I need to meditate on. a regular basis. Right now I just make sure I do at least 5 minutes a day. I wish I knew how to be more disciplined in general. That is one of my bucket list goals!
 
Hi Marisa,

The site is a reddit group, like a forum. Just type "r/learnJapanese" into your browser, you will see it.

It's really amazing how you describe meditation. I guess I will do a little tonight. I don't really do well at it. Also, I would like to be "present" not just during meditation, but all day. It seems like an impossible dream, though.
 
Hi Jack! Thanks for the reddit group - I'll definitely look it up! I have been meditating on and off since my early 20s, so have a lot of experience with it being hard! I also have followed one teacher for about 14 years, and that has helped immensely having one perspective to follow and really explore in depth. I try to remember to do mindfulness in little moments throughout the day like I set the alarm a little early and just allow myself a few minutes to really lay in bed and be present, or while waiting in lines, or things like that. I have really increased the time when I am present, but it really varies a lot how long that is per period. I also pay attention to my breath and relaxing with it if I am in a period of worrying, and that has been immensely helpful.
 
Hiya Jack! Happy weekend! So football is starting up again eh? Oh no....lol.
It's rough coming back from a trip like that...you aren't functioning on all cylinders for a number of reasons, including the jet lag.
Hopefully you don't have a lot on your plate this weekend and can rest.
Good job not putting on weight during the trip!
 
Hey Mols - well, the first 7 days have been insane - the regular support guy is on vacation for a month, will finally be back after next week. I don't know what I'm doing and am leaning on other people for support. There are all sorts of implementations going on next week, woo.

Anyway, no one's gonna die. I have the weekend to R&R and back at it Monday. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
 
So I had to put off a meeting with my financial guy twice due to work, but I have one scheduled for August 12. He was going to tell me if I could retire right now.

I happened to log into Vanguard, and noticed he had already put the plan up. If I'm understanding right, the answer is a yes.

So, that means if we keep our current spending level, inflation adjusted, and I quit today, then there's a 96% chance we (my wife actually) doesn't run out of money by the time she's 100. So, that's good - plus, I don't even know if it includes downsizing, medicare savings, etc.

Even if we increase spending 6K a year, it's still 95%. So my response to that is - p-a-a-a-r-r--t-y-y-y-y!

It seems more optimistic than the projections I run on Personal Capital, so I think I better not quit until I talk to the guy. Anyway, I will mostly like ride this job out for the rest of the year, when my contract ends.

But, I feel a little better. I'm not stressing quite as much as I was this morning. I can effing retire so who cares?

Also, I checked and age calculator, and it says based on my height/weight/workouts (3-4 times a week)/etc. that I'll live till I'm 89. So, I'm wondering if I should defer SS even more - I'll ask the financial guy. But I'm thinking, stick with the age 67.

Anyway, I'm also starting to look getting a new car. Well, say a 2018 Honda Accord Hybrid, with optional safety features. When I retire, I could use this car to drive Uber/Lyft just to keep some money coming in. It would be low stress. Or, we could even sell my wife's car and just go with one, but I don't see that happening.

I could even bone up on the latest technologies, which I've fallen behind in the last few years. Although I did get an Angular7/Spring Boot app up and running, which I'm actively using right now (habits/todo list). But I also have to get TDD down pat. And Java interview questions.

Then, guitar and Japanese.

On the guitar, I played a couple of hours at Guitar Center yesterday. I figured out that one of the best things I could do is say the number on the scale of the note that I'm playing is. This combined with tracking which chord I'm on seems to clear up in my head exactly where I am on the keyboard, which has been my goal for a while. Although, tbh, this is just for a straight major scale. Once I start getting into minor and other modes, it will be trickier.
 
Hello, Jack! Good to catch up, and to see how things are going! Retirement somewhere in the not-too-distant offing, hey? Well done, you, on planning so well! :) And on your fitness achievements, too, which must be pretty good, given the stats say you'll be living to 89 at least!
 
Hi Jack,
Caught up a little with your updates. It sounds very positive that you can afford to retire . congratulations :party:
 
Hiya Jack - that's excellent news on the financial front. Do you think you'll simply retire "full stop"? Is there a particular hobby or goal you desire to pursue in retirement?
 
Wow, that's amazing you could probably retire if you like! I hope there is money in the retirement budget for visiting Japan and traveling in general. Do you think you could work for yourself and write your own apps to sell if you wanted? My husband works as a contractor from home, and he is so much happier than when he had to go into the office. That's wonderful you are so healthy and your life expectancy is so long!!!! My mom and I test drove Hondas a while back and we would have bought one if they had had a hybrid back then. Our old Honda was on 250K when we finally retired it - it still ran!
 
Hi Guys,

Thanks for the well-wishes on retirement. To be honest, it's far from a lock. I'm very likely to work till Dec 31, and if I get comfortable with the job, I might work a couple more years. But, maybe not.

Work has been pretty crazy, but P is coming back Monday and that will be a huge help. My boss asked me Friday when I would be ready to start traveling. I said traveling wasn't a problem, but getting up to speed is. He was kicking around the idea of me going on a trip with R or J, which would be fine because they both are very sharp.

But then again, my daughter is working in town for the week after next (she's currently living near SF) and will be staying with us. So it would be nice to be around while she's here.

I spend most of the day reviewing a video of a software install R did this week. Good learning experience, but it sucks to blow a Saturday on it. But I have to work on it Monday, and I need some idea of what to do, which I got from the video.

I did get to the beach, though. It was a beautiful day, and the sun was liberated from partial clouds after an hour or so. I just laid on the wall like I usually do. I also walked around and did some pushups and leg rotations.

I've been doing my 100 situps and 200 leg rotations daily for a couple of weeks now. It's getting easier. My weight is usually around 164-165 every day. I like how steady that is. But I would love to lose 5 lbs. and actually get rid of the flab around the waist. I just don't know if I can do it.
 
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So, I did finally connect with the financial guy and he said at the point I'm like 93 or 94% good to retire. He usually says you will be ok until you're at 75%.

The main reason is a combination of savings and our "modest expenses" as he puts it. My concern is that if we do traveling or whatever, the expense might not be so modest.

The good news is he doesn't factor in the "rainy day" savings, nor the drop in expenses when medicare happens in three years. So those are a couple of things.

I have to admit that's it's possible I could work 2-3 more years. In any case, if I retired tomorrow or at the end of the year, I would still do some kind of work, probably programming, as a freelance. Either that or Uber driving, but I'm not sure about that.

P is back, but work was still crazy this week. My biggest concern is that I don't know what I'm doing yet, still on a learning curve and will be for months if not years, but the boss is acting like I should be able to do all this stuff already. So I'm trying to learn all this stuff. It stresses me out to think about it.

I am able to contribute at some level, because I did work on the previous version of the product for about a year and 1/2, but I don't know much about the hardware side.

Ok, well, for the weeking, I'm trying to live in the now. I've been doing a lot of listening to Eckhardt Tolle. He's so easy to listen to and so wise.
 
Wow, that's great you are in such good shape financially! Sorry your week was so stressful with your boss taking it for granted that you learn way faster than humanly possible. But really glad you are enjoying Tolle! He has a great way of getting you to relax, slow down, and just enjoy what is happening around you and within you! I think I'll listen to him this next week - he just exudes calmness and serenity that I really could use some of!
 
Another crazy week. I had training on Tuesday and Wednesday, but there's still a long way to go. P is traveling next week, and there's an implementation that has to be done. I will have to get H to get me access to a hotspot on my MacBook just to use the client, It's like having one hand tied behind your back. Either way, I'm pretty sure I'm not there yet in terms of setting these guys up. This really sucks, but how else am I going to learn? Gotta go through the fire.

Anyway, someday I'll know what I'm doing and the nightmare will be over. For now, I just have to keep my cool and keep learning. I really have to put some time in on the weekend, I think, just to study up and get comfortable. I just want to get to the point where I can leave the job on my own terms, leave with a good taste in my mouth. I at least have to hang in there until I start getting paid - would this company actually screw me over if I quit?

Anyway, all this is survivable. Right now, this second, I'm just relaxing on my couch. Nothing else going on, just right now (I'm channeling Eckhardt Tolle here).
 
I was watching a video about near-death experiences by an English guy named Dr. Peter Fenwick. I was really surprised by how much is known about death and the way people die - and about how normal and an even happy experience it can be.

The key is being willing to give everything up - your life, the trappings of what you think you are, your possessions, your wife, your kids - happily accept it. That's how to go easily.

The other thing he said is you merge with the universal consciousness. This I found to be very much aligned with Eckhardt Tolles thoughts about the same thing. He says that the "true" self resides in a single, universal consciousness. The ego is a concept of self that is illusory.

The other thing he said is that dying people think there is no past or no future, there is just now. Exactly as Tolle says.

Amazing that I wasn't pointed to that by anyone, just randomly ran across it, probably from having looked at NDE stuff in the past.

But the main thing is, the point to life is to let go of material things, of selfishness, ego-oriented stuff and be more invested in others. Okay, I admit I have a long way to go. But, it's good to be pointed along that path.

 
jackbenimble said:
The key is being willing to give everything up - your life, the trappings of what you think you are, your possessions, your wife, your kids - happily accept it. That's how to go easily.
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The kids part would be almost impossible for me. I would fight and claw my way back if I could make sure my kid is ok. Didn't have time to watch this yet, but will come back and take a peek.

I had a dream of my great grandmother and me taking my grandmother to the light in the sky, and then a few days later got a call that she needed hospice. So I hopped on a plane and went and did hospice care for her. It was amazing and I could comfort her telling her about my dream of going into the light. She regressed to the point of calling me mama during my stay with her, and it was so touching helping her go peacefully. Death can be done really beautifully and gracefully!
 
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