From alpha testing to the QUERCUS 200

Sharing a thought here that I've had while attempting to have a more positive outlook.

Don't hate yourself for being fat. You don't need to be thin. You need to be healthy. Being healthy means being well mentally and physically. Self-hatred is an ailment. It's very unhealthy and creates, worsens, and maintains physical and mental maladies. Learn to ease up on yourself and see the strengths that are in you at this moment. Focusing on your strengths and achievements will increase them.

It's your mind. You can only think one thought at a time and you control what that thought is. My first thought is that I can let go of the self-imposed guilt that I have for poor eating habits and that will clear the way for making eating decisions based on hunger and pleasure. Guilt driven food choices have not worked for me my entire life. My next thought is that you can do this too.

This community has given me positivity and support when I had little of either and that has allowed me to this point. I'm grateful for that! If you are reading this then that positivity came from you. Focus some of that back at yourself. You deserve it!

Anyone that needs (or wants) a supportive voice feel free to PM me. If you just want to talk that's great too. I'm working on those social skills too. ;)
 
Good thoughts there, Quercus. Self-hatred is another enemy of mine. And it always shows up around the same time as stress and the subsequent stress-eating show up. It's a lot easier to say "Take a deep breath and don't eat" than it is to execute. But that's what it takes!

Anyway, good to see you back on track (just breezed through Q200).
 
Thanks LJ! We were catching up on each others diaries at the same time it seems.

Little John said:
It's a lot easier to say "Take a deep breath and don't eat" than it is to execute. But that's what it takes!
Click to expand...

I'm not even trying that much at first. I'm taking a deep breath and considering why I am about to eat something. Even if the answer is "because I'm freaking out right now" and can still choose to eat for that reason. I just have to understand that avoiding that choice is healthier and if I find myself in a pattern of stress eating then I need to come up with a plan. Plenty of healthy people eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's because life is giving them hell in that moment. If that happens with an infrequency that I don't recall the last time it isn't a problem and there is no punishment or penitence. If it happens frequently then there is a problem in my life that needs to be dealt with. There is nothing bad or evil about ice cream, but there is something very unhealthy about using food to deal with my problems.

My biggest goal is to not eat without thinking about it first. Conscious eating will lead to better choices. If I realize that I am repeatedly eating out of boredom then the problem is boredom not potato chips. I'm trying to be more social because of this. I find that for me fighting boredom eating is easier than fighting emotional eating so I am starting there. To my delight the things that I am doing to combat boredom are helping to keep my emotions positive and reduce my stress levels.
 
I wound up being taught Chess in school when I was in fourth grade. The local public school told my parents I was "slow" and told me I needed to be held back and placed in an environment more appropriate for me since I was struggling to keep up with the smarter kids in my class. In anticipation of this they had me take an IQ test to see just exactly how bad off I was. Two weeks later I'm in a new school and they're teaching me chess and Latin.

As for the eating, I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but last July for the first three weeks or so I paid virtually no attention at all to my diet as I started the workout regimen. I knew I was going to start doing so very soon, but I wanted to get into the workout groove first before starting yet another major change. I feel like too many changes at once sets yourself up for failure. I cut my calories to about 2500 after a month and then to about 2200 after another month, where it has stayed since.

With your back problems and your wife's wisdom teeth, your medicine cabinet's liable to get raided by the DEA any day now. :D
 
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Sometimes dumb and bored yield similar results. I'm happy for you that it worked out so well. I stayed in a crappy school and honed my apathy and cynicism. I had to wait for college for much growth or flourish.

Not being able to exercise like I want is a major hurdle. I have been ready to run regularly for months now, but I can't even plan light exercise and stick with it. I kicked around in my little pool yesterday and walked a little. My back hurts today and I have physical therapy which made me feel terrible on Tuesday. My mind wants to say screw it and just go run even if it hurts, but my body won't let me do it. I have to stay focused on what I'm doing. I'm trying to avoid surgery so if it hurts and is slow, it's still worth the efforts.

Guideon, I'm happy you liked my thoughts. Writing them out here was to share as well as solidify them in my mind.

I ate too much last night and felt bad. I'm focusing on that today to make better choices on food.
 
At the risk of incurring MrVee's wrath, here's where I recommend you try a rowing machine if you have access to one. Low-impact on the knees and it's a helluva workout. I have a stack of hand towels I got from the cheap store for the purposes of mopping sweat, and they're good and soaked at the end of each workout.
 
I really enjoy the rowing machine and there is a nice one at my gym that is rarely occupied. For now I'm not allowed exercise that has me in a forward sitting position and certainly nothing that puts that much flexion and strain on my back. I can't even ride my spin bike. One day I will be able to row again and I intend to as it will strengthen my back and hopefully keep the pain at bay.
 
Gotcha - how about swimming? We all know the joys of being in public without a shirt on, but it's another good all-rounder.
 
I swim. With my shirt on. I have a little above ground that's big enough to float and kick a little that I use most nights. My cousin has a larger one that I swim in about every other week. The gym has an oly pool and I need to get back in there. I still hurt afterwards, but that can be said for everything I do at the moment. It's getting better though, just very slowly.
 
If it makes you feel any better (it won't), my hamstrings have been hurting all week after last Sunday's legs training.

I realize there's pain and there's PAIN, and since I'm an epic wuss what is pain to me is probably a little tickle to others.
 
Vee I would love to go back to the days of DOMS (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness) so yeah not mch empathy.

This afternoons PT was awful. I'm at 4 weeks of PT without much improvement. Today was worse than my first day. The PT asked details about my injury and I told her it was a severe herniation and all of the nuculeus tissue is engulfing the sciatic nerve. She was silent for way too long and then she asked if the specialist was hopeful about PT for me? I told her that he hadn't mentioned it as an option and that I was the one who recommended it.

She thinks I should get an cortico steroid epidural if I don't want to try surgery yet.

I guess I've been deluding myself in that the specialist didn't even bring up PT as an alternative after seeing my MRI and my PT knew it wasn't a likely fix after hearing the details of the injury. I'm at a loss. I don't want to have an injection into my spinal column or surgery to it, but I can't live like this forever.

My positivity has left me.
 
Oh Quercus, It sucks to see you so low! My husband had a cortisone injection in his knee once & has not suffered any pain there since. We can't believe it really. He was dead against it & hates having any procedures done, but it never ceases to amaze us how it was so successful. I know it's much more serious, being into your spine, but after having had 2 spinals myself, I am not so nervous about it. As you say you can't go on like this & life should be better for you. It will be, but you need to be able to move more, without pain & a spinal might make a big difference. Thank you for being so thoughtful to me, in my diary. It really did make my day. Thinking of you xo Cate
 
It is a bummer to see you down.

Being in pain sucks. It really sucks and its really hard to be in a good mood. So ultimately you'll need to do whatever you can to minimize the pain as much as possible. If that means steroids and/or surgery, I suppose there's not much you can do about it except do your best to get through it.

Keep the chin up as best as you can.
 
Thank you Cate and MrVee! I've tried really hard to regain some positivity this weekend. I stayed really busy this weekend to keep me from slipping into a darker place. I went to my 10 year old 2nd cousins first soccer game early on Saturday and went to see a friend at the farmer's market afterwards. Today i went for coffee with my social group and Erica and I met a new member that was very interesting to talk with and we ended up visiting for 4 hours. Then I called my Father when I got home.

Just before dark I went for a 33 minute walk with a little jogging. I didn't feel like it and I limped for the first few minutes, but if it is going to hurt anyway, I might as well do something. My heart rate was already in the aerobic zone when I put on my heart rate monitor. I hadn't donw anything, but walk into the kitchen to wet the chest monitor. I guess that's why I'm always exhausted. It's down below the aerobic zone now, but it is still about 20 bpm higher than the last time I had one on while sitting.

I'll know whether the walk was a mistake and how much of one it was in the morning. My foot has been hurting for a few weeks now in a place that isn't associated with my sciatica. That didn't dissipate with the exercise even when the other joints did.

I'm still a bit upset and I can't think about the epidural without getting more upset, but I'm working it out. I'm going to walk every day that I can unless it really lays me out. Even if it doesn't help with my back it lowers my stress and burns some calories.
 
The back isn't doing any worse after the walk which is good news. It doesn't feel any better either, but maybe if I keep it up.

PT today and I have a long drive and fieldwork tomorrow.

I watched my first football game in years last night. I slipped seamlessly back into yelling at the TV within minutes. I'm doing it to have something to talk to my coworkers about in my bid to be less antisocial. I enjoy it too so I will likely watch some games this season. I am quite unaccustomed to all of the commercials as I only use my TV for movies or TV series without commercials. I mute the commercials and use my laptop, but I tend to miss little bits of the game that way. That's still preferable to watching commercials. I watched the Cowboys win last night and DeMarco Murray reminds me of Emmit Smith in his day.
 
Hey Q, glad to hear you survived your walking/jogging, and good luck on being a little more sociable! It's funny, my office is in a very quiet section, and everyone but my boss is quiet and keeps to themselves. I like it until I think about it or catch up with more sociable coworkers (from my previous group), and realize that I do indeed enjoy people's company.

Anyway, good luck at PT today.
 
Thanks LJ! I'm not sure that I like being around most people, but I'm giving it a try. PT wasn't bad in that I don't feel much worse than before I went, but I did have to skip and cut short some exercises because of pain so no progress made. She was happy I went for a walk and encouraged me to try to keep it up as long as it didn't make me feel worse.
 
Great thoughts there... It made me remember a test I did once.
I put positive / negative thinking to the test one day... I was 18 and the test was two days.
I wore the same thing black pants and work top with my leather jacket.
Anyway the first day from the minute I got of the train to my works door I thought negatively about myself. I really got into it and repeated horrible things in my head about how ugly I was and no one would ever want me, im a horrible person inside etc and I got no looks from the building site.
Next day was the opposite, the whole way I thought about how hot I was and how every man wants me because I'm just so pretty and a great person inside. I'm a dream girl.
And yep, this day I got the looks and some whistles.
The only difference in my physical appearance was a smile on the second day of the test and I held my head higher, not slouching down.

I've always been a believer in positive thinking and had to prove it worked which I did.
I love your "you don't need to be thin, you need to be healthy"
I need to,start thinking this way.
 
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Thanks Nostalgic! I had a lapse in that positivity for sure but I am regaining it. The thought of me getting looks and whistles from the dudes at the building site made me giggle. I'll let you know how that goes.
 
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