Floater's diary

Trusylver said:
GVT is brutal especially with the short rest between sets. Make sure your recovery is on point to avoid over training.
Click to expand...
Thank you! I´m diligent with eating enough and do my best to get enough sleep. So far I haven´t had symptoms of over training (with me it starts to show up as diarrhea, loss of appetite and worsening sleep issues). But I´ll definitely be careful, and I´ve cut down my cardio sessions a little bit to make sure I get enough rest.

I´ll keep you guys posted on how this keeps going!

Also... I had a real heartthrob come and talk to me at the gym on Sunday. I was too shy to really say much to him, but I hope I´ll run into him again. So that was nice. :D
 
Fuck yes! Today I squatted 50 kg 10x10, and somehow it felt easier than last week´s 40kg. Maybe because I didn´t go to the pool yesterday, or because I spoiled myself with 500g of beef entrecote yesterday evening. Maybe because I was feeling my oats and looking around in case the heartthrob would show up. He didn´t, but I left a (wipeable) tag on the unisex/disabled toilets´ hand drier machine that referred to a joke he told me, so if he´s smart as well as handsome, and uses the toilet before the cleaners wipe it out, he´ll at least know I´m interested and know when to look for me if he so wishes.

Springtime, man. I swear it´s messing with my head. But workout was good and dumbbell overhead presses with 7 kg felt on the lighter side.
 
@Trusylver, @Llama

May I ask for your opinion about something? My left bicep has had lowered sensation for as long as I can remember. It could be some degree of nerve damage from childhood, when I at around age 4 had climbed up a tree, slipped, got stuck hanging off my left arm, and it took a long time until my parents thought to come check on me because they are neglectful POS´s.

It works and isn´t considerably smaller than my right one. No issues with coordination. Not significantly weaker than the right one either. However, there is one thing that worries me a little bit. Sometimes I can feel a painless tearing sensation in it when I work out. This doesn´t impede coordination or my ability to keep good form. It´s my understanding that even mild muscle strains should hurt. But if the sensation is lowered in the arm, so may be my ability to feel pain that alarms me of injury.

There hasn´t been any swelling, difficulty to use the arm, or other typical symptoms that would be related to injury. Most often this sensation occurs when I´m lifting the bar doing incline bench presses. When it does, I rack and take a breather because I´m worried about injuring myself without being able to feel it.

I did message a physio about it but never got an answer, and I don´t think anything could be done anyway about a three-decades old nerve damage injury. Am I worrying for nothing?
 
Today was disability payment day and I had my monthly essential groceries delivered and paid my bills. Then headed to the pool for 30 mins of kickboarding and 30 mins of aqua jogging and bought some bread and salami and olives on my way home because I feel like I might be getting a migraine and sometimes eating salty stuff and drinking _a lot_ helps prevent it.

I bought some magnesium to see if it could help me sleep a little better and if I could avoid taking antihistamines or Triptyl (a migraine prophylactic) at least on some nights. I have no idea if it has any effect and if it has, it could be a placebo, but I´m really pissed about how difficult it is for me to wind down for sleep and doing GVT I really can´t afford to sleep poorly because that leads to overtraining and I´ll be in a psych ward again in no time.

I´m having pretty nasty menstrual cramps and it always makes me so sad and dysphoric. I´m not bleeding thanks to the progesterone IUD, but it´s already 5 years old by this point and probably less effective than it used to be. Because the Finnish health care system is eager to save on women´s and AFAB folks´ reproductive health, nowadays you have to wear a Mirena for 7 years before getting it swapped at the public health sector. It should be effective as a contraceptive for as long, but the doctors don´t give a shit if the person in whose hoo-ha is stuck is suffering from the deteriorating levels of progesterone in the product. Welcome to the happiest country in the world, for some.

Anyway, not feeling too bad at all. Food-wise things keep being good. Except I made the ugliest, grossest dish today out of pork and black beans and pesto, and it looks like something an orc would eat and the pork turned out dry as a boot. Still edible.
 
Feeling really good today. I´ve been writing actively lately and it´s great for my mental health. For now it´s just short essays I publish in my blog, but I have a feeling my novel is going to progress this summer as well.

Breakfast was simple but good, some bread and cheese and edamame beans and a protein drink. My appetite has been good lately and I keep trusting my body about what it needs. Only "rule" I have is 20+g of protein for each meal and snack and it´s definitely working well for me.
 
Yesterday was an extra rest day and today is deadlifts and dumbbell front raises. Hopefully the handsome guy will be at the gym at the same time as last week.

After today I´ll take a deload and get back to GVT in my next meso 10.5.-13.6. During the last week I should be able to do 10x10 squats and 10x10 DLs with 100 kg if my strength progresses similarly to how it´s been doing until now. In the next meso I planned one two-day rest per each week to ensure I won´t get overtrained. Pool workouts may need to decrease in duration, but I´ll add morning walks to the program now that the weather´s finally getting nice and summery.

Weighed myself today and I was 86kg in my underwear before breakfast. However, I´m in my luteal phase and bloated to high hell so my true weight should be a little bit lower than that.

By the way. I have found a less extensive surgical option to what the trans clinic has to offer. I would have to go private for it but it should be doable to have some skin removed off the topside of each breast to make them sit in a more androgynous, flat position with the nipples having less movement and a higher position. It may be doable with local analgesia instead of full anesthesia, as long as I find a plastic surgeon willing to create scarring on top of my chest instead of underneath. This would probably also be extremely cost-efficient and the recovery time compared to having breast tissue removed would be apples and oranges. I gathered the courage to call my mom and ask if they could help me apply for a loan for this type of procedure once the time is right, and she said yes. I´m enough of a politician to recognize that having a non-flat but functionally superior result done at a private clinic where I actually get to decide what the final result looks like is a better option than getting chopped up by some public sector surgeon who doesn´t give a fuck about my lifelong aesthetic outcome.

I guess, this is the most important thing I have to say about everything that´s been going on with me:

dealing with the trans clinic is just a losing game. I want a nice overall result. I am able to build enough muscle on estrogen to masculinize myself somewhat; more than many trans guys on T who don´t work out. If I also get an androgynous, slightly unnatural/unreal looking chest, it´s going to affect my overall shape. The clinic has traumatized me, and I need to have autonomy over my looks. The skin removal/tightening I´m planning would likely cost me 3000e max. It is a lot of money but there are options to pay back loans bit by bit.

I don´t want to come angry, lonely and bitter because of the clinic so... If I can avoid dealing with them, I will.

Oh yes and my sister came to visit today and it was so good to see her! <3
 
The handsome guy wasn't there today. ;___;

DLs with 60kg went great for three sets of 10. During the fourth I could do 8, then had to take off 10 kg. By 7th set had recovered enough that 50 felt too easy so I did the 8th with 55 which was barely doable. 9 and 10 were with 50kg again and Ihadtorest during both sets.

Luteal phase suuucks
 
Exhaustion definitely psychological as much as physical. A lot of self-doubt about my plans for next meso. I had already planned to keep going at GVT because until today it´s been super enjoyable and progress has felt intoxicating. But if I struggle this much with 60 kg, is it even reasonable to expect I could build my strength up to 10x10x 100 kg by adding 10 per week?

I guess the only way to find out is to try; it may be that being in the luteal phase, needing a deload, and having seen my sister before my workout all took their toll. My focus also wasn´t perfect because I was distracted by my thoughts about the gym hunk. Less silly crushes and more crushing iron, it´s not like he´d accept me anyway most likely.

Besides; I still did 3x10 with 60 kg and the rest with 50 so it´s not like I was slacking or gave up. I finished my 100 deadlifts. I can´t let my perfectionism get in the way of being proud of seriously hard work. Of course I was feeling demoralized by some 50-year old uncle on steroids who was overhead pressing 50 like nothing, but feeling sorry for myself for the lack of proper exogenic hormones is not helpful.

Also: if doing GVT for another meso feels like it´s not giving me steady progress, I´ll just switch things around and use the numbered workouts I put down in the calendar for some other type of program in four parts. I´m learning as I go and noticing that OK, today I simply couldn´t rev my body and brain to give me 10x10x 60 is OK. It´s OK. There´s not one single athelete in this world who´s always at their best and I´m just a hobby bodybuilder who´s too fried in the brain to work a day job.

I´ll try next week with 70 and if it´s impossible, I´ll keep grinding 60 until it succeeds completely before adding weight... Ot switch things up. I have to remember that the insane volume doesn´t mean I´m weak. It´s supposed to be very difficult.
 
Deloading: four days off from the gym, only walks and light pool stuff in the calendar. I´ve noticed that when I exercise super hard, the next day my piss smells weird, probably from my body flushing out byproducts of muscle breakdown. I´ve also been super thirsty, drank 1,5l of mineral water during my 90-min therapy session and plenty more at home.

I know deload could and maybe should be a week... I want to see if four days is enough. I´ll go easy on Friday and be alert to how my body is feeling.

Lunch today was lovely and super easy. I had prepped some quinoa with frozen peas before, and I baked four chicken fillets with cherry tomatoes, ginger in chili oil, soy sauce and honey. The chicken tasted lovely with quinoa.
 
Struggling a bit psychologically. Luteal phase always makes my skin look so much worse and I have water retention so my belly looks very jiggly. This makes it hard to see how my muscle gain progress is going and I just look fatter, which gives me these... Almost flashbacks I´d say to when I was at my biggest. Which then makes me question if staying on a bulk for 4 more weeks is even worth it or if I should just cut now.

Drank a glass of water and checked my calendar. March 31st I weighed 82 kg so my +3-4 kg gain (depending on the day) since then is perfectly reasonable. I´m eating a healthy diet with the surplus coming from protein drinks on top of my maintenance kcals from whole foods. I occasionally eat treat foods, but we are talking once or twice a week here and very moderate amounts.

I just gotta push the fear of getting fat aside. Limbs are more defined now and torso is shaping up as well. Sadly, my stomach area looks like I´ll end up with some amount of loose skin. Not a lot. I just gotta remind myself that most people in their thirties have skin laxity and at my age I need to let go of the idea of having "perfect" skin because aging just doesn´t work that way. What I CAN have is a strong, toned belly underneath the imperfect skin and that´s a much better goal for my overall health as well.

Gonna go to the pool for my cardio session. Tomorrow I plan to go for a new moon´s hike to Kalkkikallio again. It feels like a nice ritual for my deloads. Helps pass the time and deal with the boredom of deloading and get me in tune with nature and the seasons.

I´ll be fine.
 
Did my standard cardio for the spring season, 30 mins of kickboarding and 30 mins of aqua jogging. I think that kickboarding is starting to visibly help with my midsection. Especially dolphin kicks are pretty good for the core even on days when I can´t really find much torque, like today. I feel tired and blue, but tomorrow´s new moon, and after that my hormone levels should be starting to climb up again as I move towards the follicular phase.

I found pork tenderloin for relatively cheap, and decided to roast it with red bell pepper and chickpeas, ginger, soy sauce, honey and fivepepper. It´s just about done, going to serve it with rice for carbs.
 
Floater said:
After today I´ll take a deload and get back to GVT in my next meso 10.5.-13.6. During the last week I should be able to do 10x10 squats and 10x10 DLs with 100 kg if my strength progresses similarly to how it´s been doing until now. In the next meso I planned one two-day rest per each week to ensure I won´t get overtrained. Pool workouts may need to decrease in duration, but I´ll add morning walks to the program now that the weather´s finally getting nice and summery.
Click to expand...
I did some reading and it turns out that this plan was complete dumbassery and neither realistic nor beneficial for gains. Which, you know, it´s understandable that I would have some stupid ideas because I´m figuring stuff out on my own and what matters is that I stopped and read up on the science side of things before setting personal goals that would be way way too risky injury- and overtraining-wise even if I were able to pull them off!

But: working myself towards squatting and DL:ing 100kg is definitely a good goal and if I turn down the crazy volume, it´s also very doable and shouldn´t take me too long. I guess I´ll give my brain a break from the numbers while I´m deloading and then get back to the drawing board when it´s Friday again and time for my next thing.

In any case, GVT was fun, I got some great gains doing it, and I´ll definitely get back to it at some point. But maybe both psychologically and gains-wise it would be wiser to spend the next meso doing something else. I guess my autistic tendency to want to keep doing the same thing over and over is a bit of a risk here and something to be mindful of!
 
Because I had to come up with something and I wanted to try something I haven´t tried before, I wrote myself a program for my next meso that´s a real fence-sitter between strength and hypertrophy: 6x6, 3 exercises per training session, totaling at 108 reps per session, three times per week. If I´m lucky I can push myself to squatting and DL:ing 100 kg by the end of the next meso, and it doesn´t have to be 100kg for 6x6, but I do want to be able to do 6 clean reps with 100kg in both DL and squats.

I´ll let you know how it goes and I trust that I´m tuned in enough with my body that if the plan turns out to be unreasonable I´ll mix things around before something snaps lol.

Please don´t laugh at me. Baby steps!
 
Woke up in the middle of the night from hunger so I had some rice, pork and kimchi, hemp protein, and roasted dried edamame and white chocolate cashews for dessert. I gotta get more dried edamame, tastes great if a bit dry so plenty of water is needed, and has 39g of protein per 100g. Pro tip: the dried edamame and white choc also work great if eaten simultaneously 😆
 
Floater said:
Because I had to come up with something and I wanted to try something I haven´t tried before, I wrote myself a program for my next meso that´s a real fence-sitter between strength and hypertrophy: 6x6, 3 exercises per training session, totaling at 108 reps per session, three times per week. If I´m lucky I can push myself to squatting and DL:ing 100 kg by the end of the next meso, and it doesn´t have to be 100kg for 6x6, but I do want to be able to do 6 clean reps with 100kg in both DL and squats.

I´ll let you know how it goes and I trust that I´m tuned in enough with my body that if the plan turns out to be unreasonable I´ll mix things around before something snaps lol.

Please don´t laugh at me. Baby steps!
Click to expand...
About this, Jeff Nippard says that anything over 85 is likely junk volume, but I have NEVER gotten as much gains as quickly as doing GVT, so I figured 108 is worth trying. It's still much less than the 200 of GVT.

Bloating is easing up, but I've got an upset stomach. I ate a lot of fiber yesterday. I think this will pass though.
 
I decided to write down the program I wrote myself for my next meso, because now there´s still time to deliver constructive criticism about it, I´m starting this Friday and plan to follow this until 13.6.:

Session 1: bench press, lat pulldown with shovel grip, abductors
Session 2: squats, overhead presses, low row
Session 3: incline bench press, bent-over rows, good mornings
Session 4: deadlifts, lat raises, adductors

So there´s overlap between three types of presses and two types of rows. Adductors and abductors may be a little bit redundant with the squats and DLs but I really enjoy that machine for some reason, so I added it in as a treat. There may be some issues in recovering enough between sessions because f.e. good mornings of session 3 target similar parts than dls of session 4, so I dropped the frequency of weekly workouts to 3 instead of four. This is in part because I want to go swimming a lot in this meso as after it the pool closes for the summer.

IDK. It probably can´t be worse than my previous method of just going tot the gym and doing what I enjoy and whatever machines were free, as I did for the whole of 2023, which still gave me gains even though it wasn´t perfect. I´m learning. But if someone has tips, I´m all ears!
 
If any of you guys are of the praying kind, could you please put in a good word for me because I got a chance to go to a private GP who could consult a plastic surgeon, possibly, about some reconstructive surgery to my chest after a trauma that left it deformed. It´s impossible to know if this is a fool´s hope, but it would help me so, so much.

Hike was good
 
Booked an appointment for the consultation about my chest, it´s on 21.5. The person on the phone was super nice and promised she´ll explain my situation to the doctor beforehand so I won´t have to undergo a lot of psychological stress. Because obviously it will bring up a lot of trauma. But also a chance to fix something that´s been with me for 18 years. The doctor is a GP with a specialization in gyno/female health/women´s health issues, so she´s not the person who´ll be doing any surgical interventions but I´ll be wiser about the situation and hear about my options.

Slept really well. Breakfast was yogurt with soy flakes and honey, a daily protein-rich staple for me nowadays. Going to go swimming today and starting my next mesocycle tomorrow.
 
Had a deload week´s swimming workout, 15 mins of kickboarding and 15 mins of aqua jogging. Did food prep: pork tenderloin with roasted tomatoes and aubergine, quinoa with peas, rice with turmeric sauerkraut, portioned frozen mango and pineapple in pretty bowls to thaw in the fridge). Did laundry, now doing the dishes.

I got a -50% discount code for InBody measurements and bought a yearly pass, which gives me unlimited measurements in the next 12 months. I know the measurements aren´t God´s word and TBH I dread the measurement booth at my local mall but it should give me an edge against the BMI-fidelity of the trans clinic. Or not. I plan to go tomorrow morning before hitting the gym. It´s gonna suck to have to go wihtout a meal or drinking adequately but hey.

As tomorrow is technically still deload week, I might just go and start my program with reduced intensity. Buuut if I feel frisky... IDK, I guess we´ll see. I´ll have to eat in the city center before my workout.

Psychologically it´s interesting to see how terrified I´m of losing gains during deload. I know that when properly implemented, deloads actually do the opposite but... ED be ED:ing.

Took a good look at my body after my swim today. Obviously my chest looks like shit but it´s not my fault and it helps to know that I might get surgery for it at some point. My stomach actually doesn´t look half bad. When I tighten my core, my belly sags a little and it freaks me out that I don´t know if it´s going to gradually just become loose skin or not, but it´s improved a lot in 1,5 years. And loose skin or not, it´s definitely the belly of a physically active, athletic person. It feels really nice.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top