Floater's diary

LaMaria said:
Ngl: the duckie is priceless and it distracted me terribly but you look awesome as well!
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I love that duckie lol :D Thanks!
 
I had a really lovely 1,5-hour walk with Nera. Food today has been a bit questionable, cheesy toast and Schwartzwald ham, but I'll try to get to cooking proper food. If not (never made the mash yesterday either), maybe I just need to have a lazy day food-wise.

BTW: if anyone has ideas about how to use half a kilo of pears, I'm open to suggestions! I ordered a kilo in December, but for some reason haven't been too into them. (I have only had cravings for red apples lol.) Pears are good but IDK, just "as pears" not very appetizing to me right now.
 
You could stew the pears with some cinnamon, star anise, a little orange zest & maybe the juice, & a little bit of sugar or honey. Don't stew for long though. They would then be nice with a dollop of yoghurt & a sprinkle of nuts and/or seeds maybe for extra protein either as a dessert or for breakfast.
 
Cate said:
You could stew the pears with some cinnamon, star anise, a little orange zest & maybe the juice, & a little bit of sugar or honey. Don't stew for long though. They would then be nice with a dollop of yoghurt & a sprinkle of nuts and/or seeds maybe for extra protein either as a dessert or for breakfast.
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Thanks! That sounds delicious and easy! I'll get yogurt tomorrow and do this. Or maybe ice cream - I rarely eat sugary treats, because as I have said before, my go-to vices are alcohol and meats, but the pears would probably taste really great with some vanilla ice cream <3
 
I love good vanilla ice cream & buy G a really nice one, but I'm not having any at the moment to try to lose some weight.
 
I love pears with blue cheese and a crack of black pepper! Greens can be added, of course... That pasta sounds delicious.
 
Hi folks! Sorry about the hiatus. I've been ok, but really out of it. I'm really stressed out about Nera's vet appointment on next Thursday. And have had a lot of nightmares. Food-wise stuff has been OK, not great but not terrible. I've been hoarding food but had a hard time eating it, very typical for me in times of emotional turmoil. Had therapy today and it was a hard session. I guess the emotions about my brother passing and all the trauma related to him is starting to bubble up. It was weird to hear myself talk about that stuff almost like it happened to someone else.

Oh well. I decided to challenge myself to not buy any food until Wednesday. I've got a full fridge and most of it is perishable. And hoarding food is just not a very good coping mechanism because then I feel guilty about spending money I can't really afford. Some of the stuff I bought is pretty bougie, too... Gravlax and more steak... I mean, I should also try to avoid feeling guilty about eating quality food, it's normal to want to eat luxury items every now and then, and there are so many dumber things I could have spent my money on. It's just so weird, this headspace I'm in right now.

Sorry about not commenting on othe people's threads either, my brain is mush at the moment!
 
I hope you manage to enjoy your little luxuries rather than just forcing yourself to eat them because you feel you ought to.
Have a hug :grouphug: Time will pass and things will change.
 
Thanks @Cate , @LaMaria *hugs*

Finally feeling a bit hungry. I'm making baked potatoes in foil - for some reason I crave the mushiness of this preparation method. Probably to be served with marg and chives. Got practically no protein in today (have only eaten leftover pizza and an avocado) but it is what it is. The carbs will help me sleep, and tomorrow is a new day!
 
Potatoes are awesome. Low protein meals probably don't help with myscle-building goals but I remember a lady whose doctor had told her to avoid protein as much as possible (she had bad kidney problems) and to get most of what she did get from potatoes. No idea why that last bit and I'll probably fall down a google rabbithole after I hit send but at least your body won't suffer if you're occasionally under your protein goals for a day.
 
Huh. Two nights ago I had a dream of being in an old villa with annoying, unstable people. Went exploring in old mining sites. By the end of the dream I was at my old therapist's office and she told me that "drinking won't help you write", and I nodded in agreement.

Last night I was at my brother's funeral, he was there too as a 19/20-year old, but somehow still dead. I told him I hate him more than he can imagine. The ceremony took several days, and I had to sleep in a broom closet full of dusty VHS tapes and boxes of old photos of me. There was also a haunted doll at the venue, a really creepy fucker, and lots of awkward and anxiety-inducing meals.

Yesterday's food situation was abysmal. An avocado, two sausages, one potato, a bit of pasta, a few spoonfuls of rice porridge, a couple slices of cheese. Everything tastes like licking an ashtray (I don't smoke). I just took Nera out and fed her, now I'll try to sleep just a tiny bit more.
 
Thanks @Llama , @Trusylver .

Managed to choke down an avocado and a bowl of rice porridge after I thinned it out with water. Took me 50 mins to finish them... Assistance visit well spent... (I did do chores between spoonfuls, couldn't force myself to just sit and eat.) I plan to eat a 150g pack of gravlax as my next meal. In this headspace, it's useless to make balanced meals because I can only handle one taste/consistency in my mouth at a time. I also need the protein, I've been lacking in that department for days now.

Days like these make me miss the times when me and my ex had a Volcano table vaporizer and semi regular access to trustworthy sources of cannabis. That stuff really helped with symptoms of autistic burnout and the resulting loss of appetite. Of course, frequent toking is not an option for me now that I'm in the trans process, because I can be subjected to drug tests at any given time and get penalized by postponing my process by two whole years if I have anything illegal in my piss. The war on drugs and the resulting cultural hysteria about substances was definitely one of the worst inventions of the last century, and I don't care if saying that out loud makes me sound like a dope weasel.

It annoys me to no end that the gyms and pools are closed until 25.1., and it's still possible that the lockdown will be continued after that point. Why don't they just shut everything down for six weeks all at once, instead of teasing the general public with "only two weeks and it will be over", and do that several times over... Now that I don't have the option to exercise, the eating issues have worsened again. Of course I still enjoy my walks with Nera, but it's just not impactful enough to make me hungry.

My anxiety is still a bit better than it was yesterday. I feel like my brain processed some stuff when I was having those weird dreams. I had a little nap earlier today. In that dream my storage space had been broken into, and stuff was missing. I was accused of the break-in and was somehow recruited into a weird, dystopian program that used some kind of sci fi gene therapy to turn me into a cookie-cutter security goon for a big company. For some reason I didn't lose my personality as I was supposed to, and was quite happy with the end result. The rest of the dream I spent strolling around, planning my escape and life as a free man. I was surprisingly unbothered by the fact that I looked exactly the same as all the other victims of the (very illegal) process because I knew I was different inside.

Dreams are fun
 
I´m finally starting to feel like I´m getting a handle on life without a gym. Only took me most of two years... Technically our gyms are open right now but early January isn´t the most fun time to go to the gym anyway and with the whole virus thing I don´t want to be in a crowded room breathing deeply. Can´t wait until I feel safe there again!
Floater said:
In this headspace, it's useless to make balanced meals because I can only handle one taste/consistency in my mouth at a time. I also need the protein, I've been lacking in that department for days now.
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As always: fed is best. Kudos to you for hanging in there with the eating even when it´s hard.
Floater said:
dystopian program that used some kind of sci fi gene therapy to turn me into a cookie-cutter security goon for a big company. For some reason I didn't lose my personality as I was supposed to, and was quite happy with the end result.
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Is it bad that I kind of love that? Dreams ARE fun sometimes.
 
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