Fiera's Diary

Llama said:
Ouch on the ribs :eek: How did the dogs react?
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Oh the just stood there I guess. I don't really know. I was stunned and not able to,sit up and yelling for the woman to please come help me. I am sure they understood something very unusual and not good was going on.

My pain seems better when I first wake up in the morning before I set about my a day. Maybe I should have been resting and not going about so much. Well Proggy will go home this afternoon and then I can mostly just rest. I need to get out the recruiting email for the next transport and also finish up the deductions for my taxes.
 
AN wrote a 3 sentence email which contained an apology for much of the language he used when we spoke, saying it was not justified regardless of how he felt. I guess acknowledging that you behaved shittily and apologizing is an OK apology. But I think apologies which address impact are more desirable for mending any relationship. Like, I was wrong and I apologize, AND "I am really sorry for the hurt my words may have caused you." Otherwise he is just saying he fell short of his own standards of behavior without really acknowledging the damage that it caused to me or to us.
 
24 hours later I stand by my assessment. It may have helped him clear his conscience and do the right thing but it hardly did anything for ME.
 
So. I fear I have done a poor job of documenting what was, in fact, a really nice weekend. We went to 3 places Friday, northwoodsy, belgian tap beer, and then Irish place where a solo artist was playing not too loudly, and we treated ourselves to premium cask strength Irish whisky. Sat morning we met up with DG and rescue foster R to do an assessment. The wx was beautiful. We considered going to a ballgame but I could not envision sitting in the hard ballpark chairs plus the transit back and forth. Instead we went to visit some gardens and have patio chopped salad lunch and walk about including the J island. Then TJ, then home and some apps then Proggy picked up fried chicken to go with a TJ salad. I was pretty sore from all the walking so we stayed in and watched some tv and hockey. Proggy unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher without being asked (well done!). Sunday was another brilliant day and we had a general walkies meetup with the rescue dogs in HPark - one which we hope will become a standing weekly meetup group. Again we considered the ballgame and again I felt it was just too much. We had lunch at a nearby brewpub instead and were really happy with the food and atmosphere. Later on in the evening I finally opened the bottle of special occasion trappist beer I'd picked up a week and a half earlier. I streamed an Oscar winning movie (Banshees of Inisheerin) and got my to-do list organized.

I picked a foster dog out of the next shipment for FWI/possible adoption, only to find a substantially different description of his personality in a different pace from the same people! So, maybe not a match. I had already told Pixy to put the plan in motion and I called her this morning to point out the discrepancy and unwind it. Ashe was fine with it really. and is trying to get more info from the sender.

The lawn service was just here to do the spring cleanup. I guess my brain needs to do a hard transition on season as it still seems like it cannot possibly be April already. This limiting injury is not helping, as all the things which leap to mind - yard work, kayak, biking, washing windows are all on pause. Sweeping the garage was a no-no.

I did not sleep great last night due to snacking all evening and then waking up and finding that other listing about my foster dog. Maybe there will a baseball game on this afternoon to pass the time pleasantly enough. I ordered a ceramide cream for my still-scratchy dry eyelids which just came so go thar going.

This is devolving into a complete blah blah but that's OK. I feel Ok in general, in my head, where being Ok is really rather uplifting. I will take KDog for a nearby walk this afternoon. I miss having Proggy's help and company right now. It's been a long time since I have felt that way. He is a good egg after all, a good friend, chosen family really. He got really agitated when I told him about getting the apology email from AN. He gets upset when I tell him things about AN and he gets upset if I don't and that's just a problem for me still. It's jealousy and control, it's not just selfless concern.
 
Good Tuesday morning,

With some relief I noted that the unabated pain I was feeling this morning was because I left the ibuprofen next to the sink and hadn't taken it. Hopefully it will kick in shortly. I did unload and reload the dishwasher, and filled up the filter pitchers and changed the water in the dog bowl. I swept a little but my back did not like that so much. Made some poached eggs and breakfast sausages and a banana, low mess, all put away already.

Suppose to go to phone store for a new battery but think I am not yet ready. More to figure out w/r/t backups. I also need to get some final figures to my tax guy today. I guess taxes come first due to the hard deadline.
 
There was an article I don't want to link to for tracking reasons in an online rag which rhymes with "hustle" and starts with a B. About how the self care and trauma culture is creating self centered and narcisssistic behavior when it comes to setting boundaries and modifying or ending friendships. THIS! THIS is what I have been saying. Don't we all deserve kindness, forgiveness, and if a relationship should end or a boundary needs to be reset don't we have a little compassion to tell the person why? Are we encouraging self-centeredness in the quest to create self-awareness and self-respect? These ideas are not incompatible! You don't just ghost people. We are all human, and when a friend is no longer compatible for eff's sake be compassionate as you would hope someone would be towards you!

On top of it, the movie Banshees of Inisheerin [SPOILER ALERT] touches in this theme. You see the absolute pain and bewilderment of abandonment. The older friend does eventually offer some forms of explanation, which are done without compassion, concern, or sorrow. Maybe I am the exception but I believe EVERY human being deserves kindness and compassion, and if you decide you don't want someone in you life any more at least don't be a complete jerk in the process.
 
Ok. This must be brief because although my calendar is empty, S is breezing through in a couple of hours and I have to get my deductions finished and over to the CPA today.

The folks who organize transports posted a new date on social without asking oreven telling us about the change. Still waiting to hear whether it was a type or what is going on, but in the meantime I have already told volunteers it is the 27th and some ppl are making plans or asking off work, so I REALLY need an answer this morning.

I also sent a text yesterday to A and didn't receive a response. It is the second non-response to a direct question in the past 2 weeks. And she is one of the people who complains about communication. I will have to force the issues onto the table but not today.
 
I did receive an email regarding the transport; an error was made and the dogs are still coming on the 27th Phew. The foster coordinator would have been in hysterics even more than usual.

A did make a response on another topic via email and stated that she had seen my text and would get back to me. However in talking with Pixy it was not clear who was in charge or how I could get simple answers to questions (like, if you folks don't have time can we see if other volunteers want to help? We may have lost our best resource for this because of the way he was disrespected and treated last two times and I can't stand being affiliated with that kind of nonsense. It reflects poorly on all of us and makes it harder to get things done.
 
It sucks that things are unnecessarily hard when really everyone should be working toward the same goal.
 
Indulging in a few minutes of journaling. Third day in a row of very fine weather and the den windows are open. The sun is streaming through amd birds outside are chattering. KDog is napping after potty break and breakfast. My match has cooled but I am fine with it.

My ribs I am not worried about, as they feel like they are healing. There is a nagging area in my back that I am feeling some growing concern about. It may feel refreshed in the morning but it takes little time before the ache sets in which only amplifies with activity or hours passing. I have made an appt next Friday at an orthopedist which I will cancel if things significantly improve. DDog's owners asked me last night to sit him for 24 hours but I said no, as a single jolt would be devastating. Makes me sad though as I miss that little doofus. Sounds like things are going good with his family.

Yesterday I had neurologist appt which was fine. I really liked this guy even though I had some hestitation up front. I had the dentist late afternoon to have a permanent crown installed. In between I went to a botanic garden for lunch, took photos, responded to an email invite to help a group from another state next Thursday (yes). The day was brilliant and I had lunch outdoors...and later dessert. The daffodils are up in riotous bunches and the tulips are about the bloom as well, and then the whole place will shortly be awash in vibrant colors and greens. Oh, how glorious. But I digress. Cleaning lady was here in the AM and I picked up and started some laundry. On the way home from dentist I called the bone place and stopped to get my images only to be given a card and a 3rd party place to order them from (7-10 days). Then I stopped by the Rvet with thank you tags for A&K the techs from the March import. A was there and K wasn't but everyone agreed on what color she would want. Was pretty tired by the time I got home and haven't complete my taxes yet. Left a vmail for the doc asking about the pain in my back after a week of "bruised or cracked ribs". S alerted me to catastrophic rainfall and flooding which may have impacted my brother. But I was worn out and didn't touch taxes.

Vets office are such nice people, all of them, and they seem to work hard and have fun. Most of them seem fairly young, but so many people do these days. I looked at them and wondered about how different it might have been for me if I had worked in a different environment. Fun, energizing, but no money. Isn't that the core of my story.

Which is a segue to the topic for my talk with CB today. At the end of last week I mentioned the concert and how it felt like I connected with 17 year old me, vividly recalling being in the audience for the same band, feeling what was going on and who I was then, "before all the stuff happened". I broke into tears as I said "she would be disappointed" and further tears leak out typing that now. We didn't have time to dig into it, she just said it sounds like you need to talk to that girl and do some parenting. I will have to see what she meant. Other than me telling myself that life never works out how you plan and that I was naive about a lot of things, it still is truth that I have let financial fears dictate my life decisions. And while that affords me opportunities to do some things today, I think about how much pain and suffering I experienced along the way, how much time I have spent in fear and anxiety and crawling around inside my own head, how defensive I have had to be, how much my "expertise" in this life was learning how to survive in a suffocating and abusive environment, and how that has shaped my life, who is in it today, how I approach things. And I still live with that fear and uncertainty today, in spite of being relatively secure.

That was interrupted with an urgent need to take one of the foster dogs to a vet so...
 
I did talk with CB from the vet parking lot and we did spend some time on it.
I ended up taking about the absence of music from my life, not just music but color, art, expression, feeling. And when did it occur. Well it occurred after everything went up in flames..after the promotion/transfer at work pulled me prematurely out of the mid-life resurgence I was experiencing after my divorce. How that resurgence was tied to men and dancing and boots and little black dresses and fueled by intrigue, ego and alcohol. How there were high highs and low lows. Maybe it is a sign of maturity that I no longer desire or attempt to party all night or spend hours getting lost in feelings or chasing a Jason or a TB or an AN. Maybe I abandoned or even avoid music now as a strategy to stay emotionally centered, maybe it's the overwhelm and grown out of just trying to focus on survival tasks. My eyes leaked a lot. I doing much better and I recognize that and value that, but at the same time there still feels like a letdown.

I told her about the similarly-aged couple I met at the concert and how they do what I would like - they have shared musical tastes and incomes and they have decided to spend their disposable income traveling to different cities and seeing the bands they love because none of us is getting any younger, and we all feel the clock is ticking. That is what I want. And she asked me if I feel like Proggy gets in the way of that and I said honestly yes, but then I jumped to ilustrate that at least he seems aligned with respect to the dog rescue stuff. But, she is right. I just need to noodle on all this.

I think it is why I felt the pull to get back together with AN, because he is musical and we had that together. But it is not a fit because he doesn't have the funds.

And I also said that I feel like I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I quit music, and I quit men. My knees hurt so I quit running. And what do I have left? Food and dogs. So I am becoming the stereotypical overweight unkempt dog rescue lady who doesn't take care of herself. Maybe I'd be better off having a beer and a cigarette with some old friends and listen to some 80's music on vinyl. Out by the firepit. Can I do it all? Or...what does balance look like?

Pixy had a terrible meltdown today and I told her that I thought we should skip May or take a smaller number. I will bring it up again tonight. She is not getting enough support and until we figure out how to do that better we need to back off.
 
Fiera, I think you're smart enough to work out some sort of balance with your life. There could be room for listening to music with your old friends, but still looking after your health. We have friends who follow music festivals around, both in California & Australia, but we can't afford to do that, without selling our house. We still get out & see bands when we really want to & enjoy life. I think you're still at the stage where you can keep your participation in dog rescue at a manageable level, without it being totally consuming. We try not to commit to much these days as self-protection as things can become overwhelming very quickly.
 
Today was very busy. Another nice day but the cold and rain is about to arrive so I am glad to say that we had a dog rescue meetup this morning at H Park.

It was a busy day after a bad sleep night. All dog stuff. Finally around 7:30 tonight I took KDog for another little walk after dark snce it was cooler outside than in. Came home, hit send on an email to the volunteers, and finally got an email off to A regarding data and reporting. Then I was good and truly in a spot in to knock off for the night.

The landscape architect was here. I got some grocery shopping in. I bonded with Pixy and some of the other volunteers. We are fostering a sense of community with these little meetups and LG and I post photos and names which are otherwise too easy to forget.

Today I was grateful for the little things. A bat flying overhead while KDog and I were walking. A feeling of getting caught up just a tad by the end of the night. Some healing becoming more evident. Being able to reschedule with CB next week instead of cancel. Time apart from Proggy. Being too busy to keep eating all day. Being able to support a friend (Pixy). Having been spot on right with what was wrong with the foster dog we took to the vet yesterday (Pippy) (empathic/stomach middle of night issues associated w/ foster household stress), boosted my self worth and certainly earned my stripes with Pixy and the vets. There were other examples where I brought expertise to the table which helped sort a dog or family (DDog adopters is another) where I became aware that cumulatively my experiences really do matter and bring value. It's a really nice feeling...not just being a hard worker, but also someone whose life experience makes her all the more valuable.

A man stopped me in the grocery store and recognized me from the Old Club. Gennee. It's always nice to know thar we are still around. He lives with his wife about a mile from the grocery store. We joke about how difficult it is to go out and stay up late. Pity. Maybe that is advice for my younger self. Old age is a thing and you cannot will your way out of it.

Overall I am feeling cheered and I know the weather had something to do with it, and catching up a bit has something to do with it. Now I get to savor my well earned alone time for an hour.
 
Fiera said:
I became aware that cumulatively my experiences really do matter and bring value. It's a really nice feeling...not just being a hard worker, but also someone whose life experience makes her all the more valuable.
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That's a wonderful feeling, and maybe also something to explain to 17-y/o you.
 
Wow. Pain escalated last night and it was difficult to sleep. Suspect it had to do eith overuse, both grocery shoppping during the day and moving some smaller bags of donated food around as K dog was checking them out near the front door.

May try to take a nap this afternoon,

S arrived Sunday morning, We did lunch then she went downtown. Today I dropped her at train then went to bank and grocery. Rib pain settling back down a bit.

I don't think either one of us is very happy with each other as a friend right now.
 
I embraced the thought that since S feels more like a roommate than a friend at this point, I will engage with her on that basis. It is getting me thru since I don't feel any obligation to make plans, do favors, etc. When we do interface I get a snippy, impatient, disrepectful tone that I know all too well from hearing her talk badly about other friends behind their backs. Must be my turn. I really don't need it. When a friendship seems to have died and lost its value it is better to just move on. Funny, so recently occurring with AN as well...have I just lost everyone's respect, or am I shedding dead weight?
 
The major uptick in pain subsided in the afternoon and for a delightful hour I was able to fold and put away laundry. Guitar class aggravated it again so I quit playing and just paid attention for the 2nd half of class.

Today I had my last session with the meds doc. I really like her but it felt important to end the relationship when it was naturally done, without clinging or sadness. Well done. If I ever need her I can go back.

There was snow on the ground today when we woke up. No walkies with KDog. Tomorrow will be sunny and significantly warmer. And I should be feeling better. KDog and I will take a nice walk. S will be going out to the hometown.

I think that's about it.
 
Endings are always new beginnings as well. It's sad to lose old friends you share a good history with but better to quit than to hold on just because it was once good even though it's now hurting you.
 
Wednesday.

Yesterday I let the dog rescue folks know about my injury. It will potentially derail or delay my foster of NDog. There was consternation but it seems to be all coming right now.

I had to work really hard all day today to recruit a replacement/helper at the transport arrival tomorrow for northern neighbors. Today I got my glasses repaired and went to the pharmacy. KDog and I took 2 walks. Healing getting better, like past an acute phase for the bone. OTOT, the soft tissue, tendons, fascia etc are really jacked. Was relieved when Proggy begged off as it was too much driving for me. I discovered today that Ibuorofen can cause stupor which potentially explains why I have been so out of it. Going to see if I can live without it. Doc prescribed a nasal spray which is primarily used to treat osteoporosis but has had results in healing times for bone breaks and fractures. Also a muscle relaxer which I won't try tonight because I have respinsibilities tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow after the transport.

Sleepy.

Was missing AN tonight, but not missing the person he is today, I miss my old friend and partner. I miss a lot of things and people. L, my mom. Being young and full of life and passion. Assuming it's the ibuprofen or injury. Everything is hard and everything is in slow motion and maybe that gives my mind a chance to go digging in dusty corners. Also, feeling no warmth or affection towards S may be feeding it as well.

Well, tomorrow should be a good day and with any luck my healing will continue incrementally. I am really happy I walked 2 miles today. AND wore contacts for a few hours, for the first time in months.
 
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