Fiera's Diary

Woke up having to sneeze and was unable to put myself into any kind of a protective position and that truly hurt so badly. I really am unhappy that I have to wait for another week just to get my back X-rayed and then maybe an MRI and I just have so much to do before the next import I want to cry. LG offered to come over and help Tuesday night. The problem is I tore the reception area apart because of the flood warnings which came along with the recent tornado weather front. All the rugs and chairs are up off the floor. I took things out of the storage closet and put them in the bathroom.

Part of the reason it is so hard to ask for and accept help is that you have to invite people into your mess and see your shameful weaknesses. Of course not accepting help will have worse results. I just gotta accept that this is my life and who and where I am. Tearing up. It really is embarrassing. I have no business getting another dog.
 
:grouphug: I used to do physical therapy home visits. Most people are way less whole behind the scenes than they look when you see them on the street. Your mess probably isn't objectively as big as it feels to you, but I do understand that it feels awful to have to let people see something you feel such shame about.

Busted ribs hurt, even when it's just bruising. Mine took 3 months to get completely pain free again (sitting up/lying down, reaching overhead...). I hope yours are quicker!
 
Thanks LaMa. Really sore and not doing well today physically or emotionally,
It feels like ages since I had a flat out low mood cry, but here it is.
I won't however wallow for long,

One of the two committed volunteers for today had to likely cancel due to a medical emergency with an older pup. I have another gal who might have come but she is on a work deadline and I let her off the hook when Katie confirmed. I knew dog rescue work could be challenging but to be physically frail and not managing my personal life makes it impossible. Backing off when I am still in process of estblishing credibility is not desirable. I just simply may have had life choices altered beyond my control.

I think uncertainty is the driver. Like having to wait another week to see a doc to get my back xrayed since it was not originally done at the clinic. Plans are being shaped around my get well timeframe as initially projected; if there will be alteration the facts need to be understood as soon as possible. If it is still just bruised/fractured ribs that is not huge. If things or torn or back damaged (which seems to be a greater possibility) then what does that look like? I sit here and time passes I gather myself and do things when I can, in very slow motion. Am thinking of Irish friend and how much crazy worse she had it, it is a miracle that she maintained her personality through it, although she did develop a new sense of faith.

Let her be my model through this. Let me accept that whatever lies ahead I cannot change. If I let people down, let it be with flawless integrity and transparency, so that I may take solace in my behavior. Let me accept help and ask for help. And let me smile because my injuries could easily have been far far worse.

My faithful companion KDog is still here. She is sad because she reads my moods in addition to her own old age aches and pains. Sheesh. I need to grow up. Aging is going to be difficult whether it happens in a sudden accident or a more lengthy decline such as my dad's. It will help me to recognize that I really cannot fart around with the things I want to do. And like Irish friend, there are plenty of writing projects to be done when the more active pursuits fail us. Hopefully that is many many years down the road.

Uncertainty though, sucks. Am going to meditate on that.
 
Attended the transport for the group to the north. They were a pretty fun group. MH turned out for our group. The gal who cancelled last minute had to put her 15 y.o. iggy down. Hurry up and wait, then it was over quickly. Was too tired to go to ortho clinic on way home, but at the encouragement of CB I took a muscle relaxer when I got home. Coupled with the intensity and the 2AM wake-up, I conked out in the middle of emails.

I spoke briefly with S on my drive home. It was a convo about nothing, a place she found for pedicures 20 mins from the hometown that she went in to far too much annoying detail for a place I would only go if I was out in that area. Then argued with me what a better deal it was at $12 cheaper. She didn't like me pointing out that it would cost me $10 in gas to get there. She snipped that of course she didn't think I would drive out there just for that. Serious waste of time and breath. But we did mutually acknowledge that we are each just absorbed with our own stuff right now and are not connecting. I like that we just kind of agreed without getting upset or laying blame or getting dramatic and that we look forward to doing so when we each have the bandwidth.
 
Well, the flip side of conking out early is waking up at 4AM. It is highly satisfying though to wake up reasonably rested with a morning songbird singing knowing you don't have to rush. Today I meet with a new primary care doc, just time to take inventory and see what an option to guru doc would look like. I just learned, or was reminded, that her health system does not integrate electronically with others, and so maybe this was a mistake. Not having all my info and tests interconnected online in this day and age is just...not useful.

Physically I woke up feeling a little less broken, though that is generally the case first thing in the morning. I am noticing an improvement in range of motion, like and ability to sit up without having to be quite as vigilant and "just-so" in how I position myself, waiting for pain to whack me. Hopefully no more sneezing. Lots of pollen about but I am at least trying to avoid inflammatory foods.

Hmmm maybe going to doze off again...
 
Llama said:
Enjoy your day!
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Thank you! LaMa I hope you had a nice day as well!

Primary was decent at least on first visit, There is not anything to do at the moment as the only "new" matter is my recent injury.

I was not very productive today as my exam triggered pain flare and I just soent the afternoon managing and watching a movie, Licorice Pizza, Ordered delivery so I would not have to cook. Had a burger and a chicken sandwich (and salad) which was a big dinner, but I cut the kitchen off at 5:30 and am going to try to go back to 18:6 after talking about it today.

I took my muscle relaxer around 6, 6:30 as well and so between that and some relaxing tea am fighting to keep my eyes open. I urgently need to finish the RSVP's but I guess I will do it over coffee tomorrow.

My new buckwheat pillows arrived. They are good but still don't hold heat as long as the one the lady in AZ gave me.

Spoke with the woman who will be NDog's foster for the first week or two while I get better.

I am worried about getting ready for the haul next week, just all the physical labor there is left that I cannot do, and just time going by like I am in slow motion.

I didn't even walk KDog today, She is fussing about it too. I'm sorry girl. 😕

There was an article about the National this morning and it made me think of Jason. I had like them when he ans I were involved and he told me at one point that he had tried them and they didn't do anything for him. Several years later, he said that he had finally come around to where he coud understand what people see in them.

I also peeked at AN's social this morning and saw some political stuff which made me think that maybe we really are too different in our worldviews. I feel like he has shifted harder left, and entered the wacky left who things everything should be nice and no one should have to work and the money falls from the sky, as does their police, fire, safety, electric etc. He has doubled down and hardened his starving artist character and will die that way, destitute, mental health issues, probably hanging with young 30-something idealists.

I thought of the evening I drove over there full well knowing I was restarting something with AN, and as I parked my car a text arrived from the long silent Jason across the airwaves. And I said NOPE, I was not going to let that disturb my peace but yet isn't it extraordinary that he should turn up at just such a time, maybe to remind me of the insanity I didn't want my life to become again.

And I kind of half expect to hear from him tonight, as often does happen out of the blue the same night I have been thinking of him. We will see.
 
[No Jason btw, ftr]

Today was a step change in healing and ability. I was more able to household tasks, get up and down and turn with manageable discomfort. I am still unable to hold more than 2-3 pounds for a few seconds with the left (dominant arm) however I notice that the overall area of highly painful and sensitive tissue is getting smaller. And for all this, I could weep with relief and joy and hope. I won't be able to take my foster NDog by Thursday however do I think it is not far off.

I unloaded/reloaded the dishwasher and did laundry. KDog and I went down to Proggy's for a visit before he heads off on a 5-day work road trip tomorrow. (He is getting a bit anxious about it). I took care of some administrative things with Pixy this morning; it seems my mind was working better since my body was feeling better. When I got home I put items back in the basement storage closet and cleaned the basement toilet. I need to sweep and mop then it will be ready for a helper to come in and help me put rugs etc back down in advance of Thursday.

I hope we get decent weather. The 4/20 transport for the northern group was just gorgeous weather.

It's nice to be able to hold off taking a 6PM muscle relaxer like I did the last 2 nights. I went to sleep soooo early. Tonight I hope to make it until 10PM. Whoop! Ha.
 
Thank you LaMa. It really is a happy feeling, a lifting of spirits.

We have a meetup for the rescue dogs again this morning. This is the 3rd of what likely will be a regular weekly meetup at least for a while, as there seems to be persistent interest. LG seems a little reluctant to become the de facto leader (which is how I feel about it) however we both recognize the value in creating and bolstering community and having a fun little non-obligatory weekly meetup to gather at. When you are not part of a church or school or family or other community, why not dogs to bring people together and create connections?

Still, KDog is getting weaker and even the front stairs now are giving her trouble. Once I am healed I can try getting her in for therapy again. I hate to see her getting weaker, as both a reminder of the inevitable and a reminder of how much harder it will become for me physically when she cannot climb stairs on her own. Jist another reason why it is so important for me to stay physically active and take better care of myself.

I have been putting off the RSVP count while my head was fuzzy and tired but I really need to get it done. With focus it will hopefully take only 20 minutes so here I go!
 
Finally. Blessed quiet time. April Transport was yesterday and life has been a busy cacouphany of emails, errands, and injuries.

I hired Crazy T to help with chores. The best part was him getting his power washer out and cleaning lawn furniture I thought was beyond saving. The other part was getting stuff done without crippling myself for the actual transport, He schlepped bags of donated food, rugs and chairs, It was a huge help.

The event itself was great. I hate that a huge part of my job is being a rah rah to get volunteers to come out. But I do it and people seem to enjoy themselves enough to come back next time.

KDog got hurt. It was my fault. She slipped coming up the front stairs. I was transmitting my agitation and rushing and she always picks up in my moods. She slipped on the concrete stairs and busted open a major wound on her leg plus banged up her shoulder and wrist. All I can say is if that is going to happen it is super convenient to have a specialty internal medicine vet tech in your basement.

Today was consumed by hours of thank you notes and following up on one foster who seemed to have trouble following information. Likely a pot smoker based on who she is best friends with. Took KDog in to the vet (Crazy T carried her before and after) and then chatted with CB. She suggested I journal about patterns in my life where I get focused on one thing to a degree which causes me to neglect the basics. When did that start?

I am tired but maybe I will write more tomorrow. NDog is with a foster and seems sweet and gentle so far.
 
Oh no, poor KDog! I hope she heals up quickly. Good thinking bringing in some help though: nobody can do everything on their own.
 
Oh Fiera, you do sound stressed. I hope KDog will be OK. I'm glad you have had good support. Is there any chance of you having a chill out day?
 
Thanks LaMa and Cate. KDog is doing better, but her wound is going to take a while.

Monday morning. The dust has mostly settled from the intake.

One of the dogs may have a special needs condition, her FWI is a complete jerk so we are concerned of course that it won't be a good home for her. But we have to wait for the diagnosis.

I am feeling frustrated that Pixy is a bottleneck for communication and feedback. I understand chain of command and loyalty so am not going around her. She has a lot on her plate. The primary frustration is that an adoption was put on hold based on a strongly worded email that Nellie wrote after a social media video showed careless disregard and laughing over a situation which was potentially dangerous for the dog. I wrote an email backing her up with my own interactions with the couple. This org needs a medical officer and a welfare officer and they cannot be Pixy. So far it has been 9 days and there been no resolution internally and as far as we know, no contact with the couple to even inform or adminish. Nellie has been crying and upset and reaching out to me for support because this is a red line she cannot cross and she will have to step away. And I rely on her. It may not be all Pixy because I think some on the board are making themselves unavailable and not dealing with it. Either way, there is nothing I can do.

Its really dysfunctional. People can't find time to make a board meeting. It should not take 6 people to make a recommendation and write it up. Broken.

Also communication from NDog's temporary foster has been a little flaky and I really need to know if I am taking him tomorrow and then giving him back on the weekend.

On the positive side, I had standby jury duty for today and I called last night and they needed letters #--------$ to report and just missed me. So, I get to stay home and try to get caught up.

And I am super behind on everything. Even a bit panicky. It really would be better to just not take NDog until after next weekend but its an imposition to the people who have him.

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Yesterday (Sunday) was a sad day. Actually, Saturday was a bit of a sad day too, but Sunday was worse. By sad, I mean periods of deep melancholy, tears. With no real explanation. Maybe it was just some relief and cleansing after a period of intense activity. Maybe it was dietary. I think I landed on being lax on my supplements this week and being potentially in withdrawal.

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I spoke with my brother for over an hour on Sat to catch up. He is considering coming up for the weekend of dad's 80th celebration. I also wrote yesterday to my aunt/uncle in RI suggesting that if they are planning a trip out here we would really love to see them.

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The tree guy came out and will take down the 3 pines. 2 of them at at end of life and the white pine is getting too big and is too close to the house, and the roots are a tripping hazard. After that my lone tree will be the old maple which days' are numbered. It is sad but it is time to start over.

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This feels very directionless and more scattershot than usual, and that is how I am feeling, Complete with another emotional wave welling up right now. Not sure what is going on. Nostalgia mixed with current day all fighting for my attention. I thought of AN and I thought of BG and I thought of my mom and I thought about the years of toxic workplace environment. I was in a lot of physical pain yesterday. Better by last evening/this morning, I don't know why I am crying but it feels like needed release so I am just going to sit with it finally,
 
I just spoke with NDog's foster and it was decided between us to wait until Sunday for me to take NDog. I was fine with it either way, but this is probably better for his adjustment and safety. It does sound that he is a very gentle dog and actually more lethargic than one might expect for a four year old. It makes me concerned that perhaps he is in pain. He is getting an exam on Tuesday by a trusted vet which will perhaps result in some bloodwork.

He may not end up being the dog for me, which is what we knew from the start, but he should be an easy dog and make someone very happy.
 
I'm glad you won't be taking NDog until Sunday. I feel exhausted just reading about everything you do. It's hard not to get tangled up in the politics involved with volunteer organisations, but speaking from experience it's way better to steer clear.
 
Fiera said:
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Yesterday (Sunday) was a sad day. Actually, Saturday was a bit of a sad day too, but Sunday was worse. By sad, I mean periods of deep melancholy, tears. With no real explanation. Maybe it was just some relief and cleansing after a period of intense activity. Maybe it was dietary. I think I landed on being lax on my supplements this week and being potentially in withdrawal.
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Yes, and I just saw a headline reminding of the connection between gut bacteria and depression. Transport/intake week, eating whatever is handy, eating pizza, etc etc, Time to do the 5-day FMD.
 
OK. I got decent sleep, I am feeling more present and decompressing. Having a few days to myself has been good. I asked Pixy for a very quick consult about logistics for one of the dogs to cut thru emails going around and she turned it into a 30+ minute which is good and bad. I am glad she feels I am a friend and takes the time to share with me things that are going on. She probably recognizes that she has to from time to time. But I have to find a way to shut people down when I either am busy or just don't want to talk. The soft approach simply does not work with some people! Even if I say things like "real quick" or "I am just calling to"...I think the trick is make them feel valued "but" I really have to go, let's plan to catch up tomorrow.

Did a little journaling about "hyper focus" and whether there is a pattern. Do they seem similar in retrospect?

Messaged guru doc about the FMD and also set up a video consult for tomorrow morning. I am celebrating KDog's BDay this week but not going to miss the opportunity to get myself back on track before NDog arrives Sunday.

Its really interesting how I can do the 5-day FMD but then completely come off the rails. Not just the content of what I eat, but the constant grazing, binging, not shutting off eating at 6PM etc. I think trying a meal service might be a good next step to try for after the FMD. I need to get serious about creating a list of my "no" foods but it feels like it is everything. So I just disregard because, as I see it, my life would consist of carrots, lettuce, and uncured meats. Exaggerating of course but not by much.

But you know, we all go through Chapters in life. Maybe the Chapter of food as entertainment and soothing is over. I have to choose what I want this next chapter(s) of my life to be about. And I need to do it mindfully. The chances to course correct are still here but in 10 years it will be much more difficult. It has been almost 3.5 years since I retired, I want to spend more time in serenity so that I can effectively plan and execute the way forward. I told Pixy last night when she said she won't be able to make the June transport, that I had one request and that was for her to think about someone who would be able to be at the arrival for medical because I don't have the experience or confidence to take on that responsibility,

This is a nice little journaling session but I am going to walk away from the screen and just spend a little time breathing and thinking.
 
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