Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
I'm sorry it was so hard but it sounds like the right decision.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thanks LaMa. It doesn't even feel like a decision as much as a survival tactic TBH.
I was speaking w CB yesterday and mentioned that I feel like if I receive no reply recognizing and apologizing for the inflicted hurt, that there is no reason for me to ever contact or communicate with him again. Let him move on if he chooses to not recognize that he has caused harm also and is willing to work through it. In former days he had that ability. But he is so entrenched now in believing his own version of truth, in which he is always and only the victim of trauma, that I don't know that he will see it. I figured he would either respond within a day or not at all. I am no longer interested in holding space for him.
It still surprises and saddens me that the two people who were at the core of my world 10 years ago are now no longer in it at all. It may be for the best.
I had a nice time seeing EF and her family yesterday. It was a surprise bday party for her oldest brother at a tavern in the hometown. Even her mom came out for it. The brother's wife seems to be doing quite well after some crippling health and anxiety issues a couple of years back. We had a nice chat, Their kids are turning out quite lovely. I feel very blessed to be considered extended family.
In the larger picture, yesterday was a good day. I went to the visitation for the latest women's club member to pass. This one was a troubled woman who was having a difficult time with booze. She apparently had a heart attack in the bathroom at work and was found on the floor. It gives me real sorrow and set the stage for gratitude and calm abiding throughout the day.
I picked up leash sets and adoption folders from glitter girl and then drove beyond the home town to the home of a vet tech who had some testing supplies. The with 3 hours to kill, I went to the outskirts pizza place. Worked on my calendar there. Headed into town. Horizontal snow flurries. Ended up driving through the h.s. parking lot, looked at the football field where we had marching band drills, then went into town to walk around a bit. I went into a coffee bar and talked wthe owner for an hour. Then it was time for the party. I never made it to my mom's grave nor walked around town (it was freezing anyway). I tried to make a quick mom visit after I left the tavern but there was no way to find it quickly in the pitch dark and KDog was waiting
for me to let her out.
I was speaking w CB yesterday and mentioned that I feel like if I receive no reply recognizing and apologizing for the inflicted hurt, that there is no reason for me to ever contact or communicate with him again. Let him move on if he chooses to not recognize that he has caused harm also and is willing to work through it. In former days he had that ability. But he is so entrenched now in believing his own version of truth, in which he is always and only the victim of trauma, that I don't know that he will see it. I figured he would either respond within a day or not at all. I am no longer interested in holding space for him.
It still surprises and saddens me that the two people who were at the core of my world 10 years ago are now no longer in it at all. It may be for the best.
I had a nice time seeing EF and her family yesterday. It was a surprise bday party for her oldest brother at a tavern in the hometown. Even her mom came out for it. The brother's wife seems to be doing quite well after some crippling health and anxiety issues a couple of years back. We had a nice chat, Their kids are turning out quite lovely. I feel very blessed to be considered extended family.
In the larger picture, yesterday was a good day. I went to the visitation for the latest women's club member to pass. This one was a troubled woman who was having a difficult time with booze. She apparently had a heart attack in the bathroom at work and was found on the floor. It gives me real sorrow and set the stage for gratitude and calm abiding throughout the day.
I picked up leash sets and adoption folders from glitter girl and then drove beyond the home town to the home of a vet tech who had some testing supplies. The with 3 hours to kill, I went to the outskirts pizza place. Worked on my calendar there. Headed into town. Horizontal snow flurries. Ended up driving through the h.s. parking lot, looked at the football field where we had marching band drills, then went into town to walk around a bit. I went into a coffee bar and talked wthe owner for an hour. Then it was time for the party. I never made it to my mom's grave nor walked around town (it was freezing anyway). I tried to make a quick mom visit after I left the tavern but there was no way to find it quickly in the pitch dark and KDog was waiting
for me to let her out.
Fiera
Well-known member
I should add...what made yesterday a good day was the framework that I had a few hours of total freedom in a place which was simultaneously fresh and rich with personal history. Fresh because it has been a while and I am both seeing changes in shops and people, and observing characteristics I never noticed while living there (like how hilly it is).
I wasn't bothered about not doing the things I originally had in mind, the goal was to experience freedom of spirit and I achieved that. The hour I spent talking to the coffee shop owner appeared to energize and lift him. He found me easy to talk to I guess. It was interesting how he went from music playing loudly and not looking me in the eye, and saying that he avoided discussing personal details, to looking me in the eye, showing me the record collection, telling me about some lily white small town drama, and the forces of dark harassing him. His entire world seemed designed to shield himself from people. It was rewarding to hear him say at the end of the hour that he felt lifted spirits.
That to me was time very well spent in the present which provided a very different sense of connection with myself than what I had in mind when I headed out the door. A connection not with me of 18 years old, but a connection with me at 53 years old, the best wisdom and peace and serenity and kindness that I have to offer others. That same calmness was about me all day. I carried it with me into the party and I was making conversation relatively easily and reflective of my mental state. I liked the calm quiet version of myself and the positive, obeservable impact that this had on others.
I wasn't bothered about not doing the things I originally had in mind, the goal was to experience freedom of spirit and I achieved that. The hour I spent talking to the coffee shop owner appeared to energize and lift him. He found me easy to talk to I guess. It was interesting how he went from music playing loudly and not looking me in the eye, and saying that he avoided discussing personal details, to looking me in the eye, showing me the record collection, telling me about some lily white small town drama, and the forces of dark harassing him. His entire world seemed designed to shield himself from people. It was rewarding to hear him say at the end of the hour that he felt lifted spirits.
That to me was time very well spent in the present which provided a very different sense of connection with myself than what I had in mind when I headed out the door. A connection not with me of 18 years old, but a connection with me at 53 years old, the best wisdom and peace and serenity and kindness that I have to offer others. That same calmness was about me all day. I carried it with me into the party and I was making conversation relatively easily and reflective of my mental state. I liked the calm quiet version of myself and the positive, obeservable impact that this had on others.
Fiera
Well-known member
Hanging here to get settled as I am feeling pressure rising.
Probably once I get the email out today regarding logistics for Thursday I will feel better. There was an unexpected municipal announcement which may affect traffic at the critical time. Always something, Praying all my volunteers show up. I also have to get the sign up sheet out for what to bring. Its one of those things I would almost rather just bring everything myself each time but there is value of having folks choose their own level of engagement. If someone signs up to bring a roll of paper towels then they feel like they contributed and it also saves money and I encourage that. It also means that I don't have to haul everything to my car and then out of my car at the transport meet, and then vice versa. I ultimately spend a lot of money on the consumables though like ice and beverages and food, In theory it should be reimbursed by the group and maybe in time I will ask for that. For now I just try to figure out what works and doesn't work so we can get into a routine with it and I don't have to ask for money for every little thing I want to try.
I have been stress eating or boredom eating or sport eating. Whatever it is, I have been eating junk and don't really have enough good and green in the house. Today I have a crown appt at the dentist then I will pick up some groceries.
I tried to pick up a large chalkboard for the N wall in the basement to put welcome messages but the gal didn't want to take my offer, Will keep looking. I have to open and empty boxes from <online pet supply> and make sure everything is here.
I am also having an uptick of house anxiety. There is a fence post (steel in concrete) at the front entrance which has suddenly moved after twenty odd years. This is in addition to my observation around the joist under the bath tub. I think I need to have the soil and structural engineer come out who I spoke with several years ago. I hope his rates are still reasonable. This is not going to go well vis a vis the neighbor or the city I am sure. I need to talk it out with my realtor and understand the worst case and most likely scenarios. I don't want to become paralyzed again. There is already a bit of stuckness around keeping / selling my car. If I can ever get my taxes done and my photos uploaded and a new phone and all that I can spend time on the larger financial picture and when I will be allowed to start drawing cash out of my retirement account. I think the current advisor would like me to hold on til 2024, which gives me 5 years of a 72t. (2024-2028). Well, this means 2023 is in theory my last year of unfunded Roth conversions. I have to pay for a new car and have money to travel and make a house down payment and house repairs this year and next. I think I have managed it. Being around a spendthrift such as Proggy has certainly helped, which I always recognized even when we first started dating.
Let me make a connection between food (all the pizza! no green stuff no fruit! nuts and cheese!) the last few days and this anxiety uptick. I bet it is true. I have a new book on an anti-anxiety diet and a "free" diet which I have teed up. We finish TNMAG this week and then a do another 5-day fast after the transport so those things will all dovetail nicely.
I had better go eat a little breakfast and shower before I need to leave for the dentist,
Probably once I get the email out today regarding logistics for Thursday I will feel better. There was an unexpected municipal announcement which may affect traffic at the critical time. Always something, Praying all my volunteers show up. I also have to get the sign up sheet out for what to bring. Its one of those things I would almost rather just bring everything myself each time but there is value of having folks choose their own level of engagement. If someone signs up to bring a roll of paper towels then they feel like they contributed and it also saves money and I encourage that. It also means that I don't have to haul everything to my car and then out of my car at the transport meet, and then vice versa. I ultimately spend a lot of money on the consumables though like ice and beverages and food, In theory it should be reimbursed by the group and maybe in time I will ask for that. For now I just try to figure out what works and doesn't work so we can get into a routine with it and I don't have to ask for money for every little thing I want to try.
I have been stress eating or boredom eating or sport eating. Whatever it is, I have been eating junk and don't really have enough good and green in the house. Today I have a crown appt at the dentist then I will pick up some groceries.
I tried to pick up a large chalkboard for the N wall in the basement to put welcome messages but the gal didn't want to take my offer, Will keep looking. I have to open and empty boxes from <online pet supply> and make sure everything is here.
I am also having an uptick of house anxiety. There is a fence post (steel in concrete) at the front entrance which has suddenly moved after twenty odd years. This is in addition to my observation around the joist under the bath tub. I think I need to have the soil and structural engineer come out who I spoke with several years ago. I hope his rates are still reasonable. This is not going to go well vis a vis the neighbor or the city I am sure. I need to talk it out with my realtor and understand the worst case and most likely scenarios. I don't want to become paralyzed again. There is already a bit of stuckness around keeping / selling my car. If I can ever get my taxes done and my photos uploaded and a new phone and all that I can spend time on the larger financial picture and when I will be allowed to start drawing cash out of my retirement account. I think the current advisor would like me to hold on til 2024, which gives me 5 years of a 72t. (2024-2028). Well, this means 2023 is in theory my last year of unfunded Roth conversions. I have to pay for a new car and have money to travel and make a house down payment and house repairs this year and next. I think I have managed it. Being around a spendthrift such as Proggy has certainly helped, which I always recognized even when we first started dating.
Let me make a connection between food (all the pizza! no green stuff no fruit! nuts and cheese!) the last few days and this anxiety uptick. I bet it is true. I have a new book on an anti-anxiety diet and a "free" diet which I have teed up. We finish TNMAG this week and then a do another 5-day fast after the transport so those things will all dovetail nicely.
I had better go eat a little breakfast and shower before I need to leave for the dentist,
Fiera
Well-known member
Am not doing so well today.
I had the crown appt and it was 2.5 hours before I left. The last part was this approx $3 my dental insurance is not doing to cover for a specialty antibiotic on top,of a deep cleaning. The girl is going to try see if my medical or prescription benefit will cover it. Which they don't normally do but I am so busy and they may learn something from it which will help other patients. This is for an appt approx 3/29. I just don't have the time and if it isnt going to be covered the I am not going to do it.
While I was in the chair an email popped up from the very nice volunteer who takes the transport crates home from the event until they are picked up and recycled. Come to find out a ball got dropped and the crates from the last event are still at his place and in the way. So now we have to get rid of those and find out why the ball was dropped and whether the responsible volunteers have abandoned their roles. Literally texting and emailing from the chair while the dentist was checking other patients. So my stress level got elevated from that because I already am at capacity.
I shopped at TJ for myself and for the rescue event then stopped home, ate and picked up KDog for laser treatment. Her colon/colitis has gotten so bad I am going to stop the laser and focus on gut healing. The tech who did the laser I met for the first time and she is coming to Thursday's transport. Second Chance tech is also coming and then J...from last time...said she may be there.
I filled up my gas tank and decided to skip the warehouse club. A got myself a chocolate shake in the drive thru (I know, but I resisted the burgers/fries which suggested themselves to go with). Then I got home and two huge helpings of cheese doodles.
So now I am home, exhausted, and have a really detailed emailed to get out tonight. And guitar class in 40. I got another new recruit I have been answering questions for and one or two more 8 owe a follow up. Also DDog's adopter who called off yesterday is trying to arrange a meet to bring a coat we need for Thursday, And I amd not sure when the electrician is coming...
Then Proggy texts me that he was able to get in to see my opthamologist. Which is what I urged him to do. It turns out she only practices at the branch near my house, so no big deal, I had told him he can stay her if he needs to. He took first available which is on my bday, a Friday. Then he asks if this is OK. Well I just felt like it stole my freedom of who and what I wanted to do with my bday this year. But I replied to his text that it was OK. Then he CALLED me all anxious about maybe he should not have done that. He was in a panic of backpedaling. THAT was what I could not deal with, his anxiety around me and doing something I don't like. I told him it was fine and if I will try to make my plans and let him know asap if there is something that would suggest that he needs to change the appointment. As recently as yesterday I was still dancing around the idea of going to Canada for my birthday for a concert.
Anyway I am tired and once I get this email done I will feel better.
I had the crown appt and it was 2.5 hours before I left. The last part was this approx $3 my dental insurance is not doing to cover for a specialty antibiotic on top,of a deep cleaning. The girl is going to try see if my medical or prescription benefit will cover it. Which they don't normally do but I am so busy and they may learn something from it which will help other patients. This is for an appt approx 3/29. I just don't have the time and if it isnt going to be covered the I am not going to do it.
While I was in the chair an email popped up from the very nice volunteer who takes the transport crates home from the event until they are picked up and recycled. Come to find out a ball got dropped and the crates from the last event are still at his place and in the way. So now we have to get rid of those and find out why the ball was dropped and whether the responsible volunteers have abandoned their roles. Literally texting and emailing from the chair while the dentist was checking other patients. So my stress level got elevated from that because I already am at capacity.
I shopped at TJ for myself and for the rescue event then stopped home, ate and picked up KDog for laser treatment. Her colon/colitis has gotten so bad I am going to stop the laser and focus on gut healing. The tech who did the laser I met for the first time and she is coming to Thursday's transport. Second Chance tech is also coming and then J...from last time...said she may be there.
I filled up my gas tank and decided to skip the warehouse club. A got myself a chocolate shake in the drive thru (I know, but I resisted the burgers/fries which suggested themselves to go with). Then I got home and two huge helpings of cheese doodles.
So now I am home, exhausted, and have a really detailed emailed to get out tonight. And guitar class in 40. I got another new recruit I have been answering questions for and one or two more 8 owe a follow up. Also DDog's adopter who called off yesterday is trying to arrange a meet to bring a coat we need for Thursday, And I amd not sure when the electrician is coming...
Then Proggy texts me that he was able to get in to see my opthamologist. Which is what I urged him to do. It turns out she only practices at the branch near my house, so no big deal, I had told him he can stay her if he needs to. He took first available which is on my bday, a Friday. Then he asks if this is OK. Well I just felt like it stole my freedom of who and what I wanted to do with my bday this year. But I replied to his text that it was OK. Then he CALLED me all anxious about maybe he should not have done that. He was in a panic of backpedaling. THAT was what I could not deal with, his anxiety around me and doing something I don't like. I told him it was fine and if I will try to make my plans and let him know asap if there is something that would suggest that he needs to change the appointment. As recently as yesterday I was still dancing around the idea of going to Canada for my birthday for a concert.
Anyway I am tired and once I get this email done I will feel better.
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Fiera
Well-known member
Wow. I woke up a few times but slept for the most part of 12 hours. That surely is a good thing.
DDog's adopters brought him by for a visit and a little walk last night. I popped out the front door as they were walking up the street and he started trotting over to me. He was really happy to see me. That was nice. KDog was indifferent, standoffish, bit seemed to enjoy the walk. Maybe jealousy or uncertainty. She tinkled on the rug.
Its the last day before the haul. I still have some grocettt shopping to do but am mostly ready. I am stuck on what kind of grabby snacks" to offer which are healthy instead of chips and processed foods. Nobody touched the veggie tray last time. Maybe my little cuke sandwiches there is time. i was going to make a frittata. Pixy protested. But I feel a bit like cooking,
My drive to rearrange the basement has ebbed so outside of rehanging our group photos (bulletin board paper came off) I am not going to do very much today. Vacuum. It's imperfect but it will do the job.
Very glad the chaos has subsided and there is still 24 hours til transport. Going to put away a ton of laundry today, KDog has an appointment, and then I need to focus on backing up photos as my phone is full.
DDog's adopters brought him by for a visit and a little walk last night. I popped out the front door as they were walking up the street and he started trotting over to me. He was really happy to see me. That was nice. KDog was indifferent, standoffish, bit seemed to enjoy the walk. Maybe jealousy or uncertainty. She tinkled on the rug.
Its the last day before the haul. I still have some grocettt shopping to do but am mostly ready. I am stuck on what kind of grabby snacks" to offer which are healthy instead of chips and processed foods. Nobody touched the veggie tray last time. Maybe my little cuke sandwiches there is time. i was going to make a frittata. Pixy protested. But I feel a bit like cooking,
My drive to rearrange the basement has ebbed so outside of rehanging our group photos (bulletin board paper came off) I am not going to do very much today. Vacuum. It's imperfect but it will do the job.
Very glad the chaos has subsided and there is still 24 hours til transport. Going to put away a ton of laundry today, KDog has an appointment, and then I need to focus on backing up photos as my phone is full.
Trashy snacks are cheap and low-effort. No need to invest more if the people who are supposed to eat them don't actually want something better.
Fiera
Well-known member
Well TBH they didn't each trashy snacks much the last time either. Most of the snacks (crackers, cheese, chips, dips cookies) are not getting eaten. This time the cuke sandwiches went over big. The veggie tray last time was brought by a girl who bought it from the store that way and just peeled the plastic back. And not organic. It was low effort but should have been rinsed and replated for ease of access and visual appeal.
There is an art to this I think, because the people who participate in the entirety of the event across both locations need to be fed real food. And the vet techs who got off work and came straight over. The people who just come to the last part probably don't or are ok with munchies. It also depends on what time the transport initially arrives - 3P, 4PM? This one was scheduled late and arrived even later. So we didn't arrive at my house until 7:30 ish.
Pixy would be OK with pizza and a few snacks. But pizza is making me sick. I have had so much pizza lately that I bound myself up. There has to be at least one other healthier food option on that table. I will look over the menu from the place pixie orders from. It sucks I don't want to do any party planning anyway. I need to recruit a helper.
I got a roid from being bound up so that's fun. And I saw myself in the event photos and I look ridiculous. Not to mention feeling physically limited and everything hurting. So I decided last night to start the 5-day fast today. I dislike that we cannot have matcha and I am going to go check that the rules have not changed. I think we are allowed a small amount of black coffee or black tea but it is recommended to do without it. And I did not sleep well which stinks also.
I hope today I do a better job of getting organized. It feels like some important stuff is piling up. I would like to take a soaking bath but it doesn't feel safe until I get the beam inspected,
There is an art to this I think, because the people who participate in the entirety of the event across both locations need to be fed real food. And the vet techs who got off work and came straight over. The people who just come to the last part probably don't or are ok with munchies. It also depends on what time the transport initially arrives - 3P, 4PM? This one was scheduled late and arrived even later. So we didn't arrive at my house until 7:30 ish.
Pixy would be OK with pizza and a few snacks. But pizza is making me sick. I have had so much pizza lately that I bound myself up. There has to be at least one other healthier food option on that table. I will look over the menu from the place pixie orders from. It sucks I don't want to do any party planning anyway. I need to recruit a helper.
I got a roid from being bound up so that's fun. And I saw myself in the event photos and I look ridiculous. Not to mention feeling physically limited and everything hurting. So I decided last night to start the 5-day fast today. I dislike that we cannot have matcha and I am going to go check that the rules have not changed. I think we are allowed a small amount of black coffee or black tea but it is recommended to do without it. And I did not sleep well which stinks also.
I hope today I do a better job of getting organized. It feels like some important stuff is piling up. I would like to take a soaking bath but it doesn't feel safe until I get the beam inspected,
Fiera
Well-known member
I should note that I am simultaneously going back to 18:6 fasting as it works for me for this program. The last thing I ate last night was some dark chocolate bark and a remaining piece of pizza. In the neighborhood of 9PM. Not hung up on that, just going to start the usual feeding window at 12 or thereafter. Its a shame I didn't plan ahead though because I have food around I don't want to waste. I will have to freeze the fruit and I will see what else can be salvaged or given away.
I only slept about 4 hours and that was fitful, so not having caffeine this morning is already sucking.
I only slept about 4 hours and that was fitful, so not having caffeine this morning is already sucking.
Fiera
Well-known member
From yesterday - fell asleep and never posted.
I decided against the organized run-walk tomorrow. Wintry weather. Travel time. Lack of sleep. Dog rescue stuff.
I was so tired I crashed asleep from 2 to 3 this afternoon. Woke up feeling better and had my 2PM "meal" (soup, vitamins, a few olives). Oh and herbal tea.
I put KDog strictly on turkey and oatmeal again as of last night. Her fecal was negative and the vet gave us another round of metronaidozole which hopefully will help. Her gut inflammation seems to be reducing.
I decided against the organized run-walk tomorrow. Wintry weather. Travel time. Lack of sleep. Dog rescue stuff.
I was so tired I crashed asleep from 2 to 3 this afternoon. Woke up feeling better and had my 2PM "meal" (soup, vitamins, a few olives). Oh and herbal tea.
I put KDog strictly on turkey and oatmeal again as of last night. Her fecal was negative and the vet gave us another round of metronaidozole which hopefully will help. Her gut inflammation seems to be reducing.
Fiera
Well-known member
Sunday. Day 2 of FMD.
I slept. A lot. I had the aforementioned nap. Fell asleep watching tv from maybe 8-9, then went back to sleep again all the way until 6AM. Surely the fasting helped sleep better but I was also super worn out,
Today, off to a slow start with the caffeine withdrawal. Also out of the habit of fasting. I am clock watching for lunch time, Hopefully I will have the energy to take KDog for a walk this afternoon.
I was pissed that it took me a very long time to figure out an email response yesterday to one of the gals from the rescue group. I simply don't have time. Some things I have realized is that there is a big issue in this organization of everyone doing everything and not enough effective communication. I am not on the board but apparently the board meetings are very lengthy. They seem to need to implement working groups or teams but I haven't quite figured out what the deal is. People work in what they want to work on and sometimes it's not what is most important.
I slept. A lot. I had the aforementioned nap. Fell asleep watching tv from maybe 8-9, then went back to sleep again all the way until 6AM. Surely the fasting helped sleep better but I was also super worn out,
Today, off to a slow start with the caffeine withdrawal. Also out of the habit of fasting. I am clock watching for lunch time, Hopefully I will have the energy to take KDog for a walk this afternoon.
I was pissed that it took me a very long time to figure out an email response yesterday to one of the gals from the rescue group. I simply don't have time. Some things I have realized is that there is a big issue in this organization of everyone doing everything and not enough effective communication. I am not on the board but apparently the board meetings are very lengthy. They seem to need to implement working groups or teams but I haven't quite figured out what the deal is. People work in what they want to work on and sometimes it's not what is most important.
Fiera
Well-known member
I napped again after that last post. Probably not helping that I have not been taking vitamins regularly the last couple of weeks, and now not all all while on the FMD. I should research what is OK to take. The diet comes with some kind of vitamin and oil capsules but they are proprietary and don't list the ingredients. Unlikely to be iron so that is a good place to start.
Lunch is mushroom soup and about 6 olives. Last time on this program I did a good job of mindful eating. I catch myself this time racing thru the food. So am refocusing,
I got horrible irritated skin which I suspect is from the witch hazel medicated wipes. Hopefully will be feeling better soon.
I really need to be more productive, but my body has other plans today. Keto flu is a real thing. I didn't really give that much thought before starting the program. At least after a long shower I was no longer cold.
Lunch is mushroom soup and about 6 olives. Last time on this program I did a good job of mindful eating. I catch myself this time racing thru the food. So am refocusing,
I got horrible irritated skin which I suspect is from the witch hazel medicated wipes. Hopefully will be feeling better soon.
I really need to be more productive, but my body has other plans today. Keto flu is a real thing. I didn't really give that much thought before starting the program. At least after a long shower I was no longer cold.
Fiera
Well-known member
Ennui has set in.
Fortunately it is temporary.
Just a bit bored and tired and in need of sunshine. Vitamins. And a butt which doesn't hurt.
That last factor is really something. I mean, you take your rear end for granted until there is a problem. A painful problem. A problem you cannot simply ignore. You are terrified of having to go to the bathroom. You don't feel like going anywhere. You have to wear loose clothing (not easy when nothing fits). You have an assortment of new products in the bathroom positioned to do battle on a moment's notice. You google sitz bath. You are glad you live alone. You feel a bit broken and dumb. You vow to change your diet and stop eating pizza because you finally have learned your lesson...all the while knowing that weeks or months on, you will have forgotten.
Well now that I have had a little fun with that, I will say that I look forward to another good nights' sleep. I wrapped up eating for the day at 6 and have done oral hygiene and have my night guard in. Having the food routine lends itself to other routine, I won't deny it.
I have sooo much I need to do this week. March is running out. I need to wrap up taxes. I need to get photos/computer updated, contact/address book updated and synced. I need to get my travel plans out together (though KDog may thwart them). I need to make some BDay plans, I just feel listless and unproductive about it all. This past week of doing nothing but dog rescue stuff is a real warning to how consuming it will become if I allow it.
Getting sleepy early so knocking off.
Fortunately it is temporary.
Just a bit bored and tired and in need of sunshine. Vitamins. And a butt which doesn't hurt.
That last factor is really something. I mean, you take your rear end for granted until there is a problem. A painful problem. A problem you cannot simply ignore. You are terrified of having to go to the bathroom. You don't feel like going anywhere. You have to wear loose clothing (not easy when nothing fits). You have an assortment of new products in the bathroom positioned to do battle on a moment's notice. You google sitz bath. You are glad you live alone. You feel a bit broken and dumb. You vow to change your diet and stop eating pizza because you finally have learned your lesson...all the while knowing that weeks or months on, you will have forgotten.
Well now that I have had a little fun with that, I will say that I look forward to another good nights' sleep. I wrapped up eating for the day at 6 and have done oral hygiene and have my night guard in. Having the food routine lends itself to other routine, I won't deny it.
I have sooo much I need to do this week. March is running out. I need to wrap up taxes. I need to get photos/computer updated, contact/address book updated and synced. I need to get my travel plans out together (though KDog may thwart them). I need to make some BDay plans, I just feel listless and unproductive about it all. This past week of doing nothing but dog rescue stuff is a real warning to how consuming it will become if I allow it.
Getting sleepy early so knocking off.
Fiera
Well-known member
I did sleep well LaMa, thank you.
Head feels a little clearer. I am also having a tiny amount of black tea this morning as allowed on the protocol. I was lookming at the 5-day overview and thinking about the cost of all of it but the reason people do it is that it is super easy. The psychological hurdles have all been cleared for you and for the next 5 days all you need is water, box contents and saucepans/microwave. You never open the fridge up the cupboard. Of course I have to cook for KDog and discovered I have a habit of licking peanut butter and oatmeal off my finger, which I have spat out and stopped doing.
I am down almost 4 pounds of bloat weight, which makes it easier to move,
I am still disabled in the hind end.
It looks nice out so maybe I can take another gentle walk with KDog, Yesterday we went to FG for the first time in ages and I spotted 4 tiny snakes which came out to sun (short lived sun) near an old log at a bend in the path. Would never have spotted them if it wasn't for KDog's slow paced sniffari. I took some photos then started up the path when a young family with 3 small kids came along. I asked if they wanted to see some tiny snakes and they were all for it so KDog and I walked them back to the spot. We looked back a couple minutes after leaving them and they were still standing there. It was a nice feeling to have given a little extra gift of nature and I was reminded about the idea I had several years ago of pursuing a naturalist certificate.
But we cannot do it all. I clicked on an ad for a Master in Fraud and Forensics accounting degree last night. It's something I would be good but as a practical matter am I really going to want to start working a job like that which would make the degree a sensible time investment? When I already don't seem to have enough time to keep my head above water, pay bills, do taxes, practice guitar, go camping, take vacation, and socialize? Mmm probably not. lol.
I have it plenty good right where I am at. Proggy has been leaving me alone more, as there isn't anything new to talk about. Plus i have been tired and sleeping a lot (keto flu) Thoughts still occasionally turn to AN and visceral reaction tells me I don't need to stir that pot. The aversion is greater than the attraction.
I sometimes question whether I was an unwitting dupe to AN for 10 years and I really don't think so. It has been a progressive mental health decline. But this morning it occurred to me about BG, about AN, about S, about myself...the journey to address trauma and mental health seems to require one to develop an almost narcissistic, self-centered worldview in recovery. It makes sense. First you learn to see and acknowledge your trauma. You identify as a victim. Then you learn to put yourself and your needs first. You are new and clumsy with self empowerment. You look into shadows and cracks and crevices of you psyche to identify and remove negative though and behavior patterns. And you tend to be an emotional tornado while doing all this. Trust gets challenged anew, suspicions are on edge, hackles raised. Everything represents a threat to the development of the new self and new life on is trying to build. How can one not become at least a tad narcissistic under these conditions? What is the difference between self-care and narcissism?
Head feels a little clearer. I am also having a tiny amount of black tea this morning as allowed on the protocol. I was lookming at the 5-day overview and thinking about the cost of all of it but the reason people do it is that it is super easy. The psychological hurdles have all been cleared for you and for the next 5 days all you need is water, box contents and saucepans/microwave. You never open the fridge up the cupboard. Of course I have to cook for KDog and discovered I have a habit of licking peanut butter and oatmeal off my finger, which I have spat out and stopped doing.
I am down almost 4 pounds of bloat weight, which makes it easier to move,
I am still disabled in the hind end.
It looks nice out so maybe I can take another gentle walk with KDog, Yesterday we went to FG for the first time in ages and I spotted 4 tiny snakes which came out to sun (short lived sun) near an old log at a bend in the path. Would never have spotted them if it wasn't for KDog's slow paced sniffari. I took some photos then started up the path when a young family with 3 small kids came along. I asked if they wanted to see some tiny snakes and they were all for it so KDog and I walked them back to the spot. We looked back a couple minutes after leaving them and they were still standing there. It was a nice feeling to have given a little extra gift of nature and I was reminded about the idea I had several years ago of pursuing a naturalist certificate.
But we cannot do it all. I clicked on an ad for a Master in Fraud and Forensics accounting degree last night. It's something I would be good but as a practical matter am I really going to want to start working a job like that which would make the degree a sensible time investment? When I already don't seem to have enough time to keep my head above water, pay bills, do taxes, practice guitar, go camping, take vacation, and socialize? Mmm probably not. lol.
I have it plenty good right where I am at. Proggy has been leaving me alone more, as there isn't anything new to talk about. Plus i have been tired and sleeping a lot (keto flu) Thoughts still occasionally turn to AN and visceral reaction tells me I don't need to stir that pot. The aversion is greater than the attraction.
I sometimes question whether I was an unwitting dupe to AN for 10 years and I really don't think so. It has been a progressive mental health decline. But this morning it occurred to me about BG, about AN, about S, about myself...the journey to address trauma and mental health seems to require one to develop an almost narcissistic, self-centered worldview in recovery. It makes sense. First you learn to see and acknowledge your trauma. You identify as a victim. Then you learn to put yourself and your needs first. You are new and clumsy with self empowerment. You look into shadows and cracks and crevices of you psyche to identify and remove negative though and behavior patterns. And you tend to be an emotional tornado while doing all this. Trust gets challenged anew, suspicions are on edge, hackles raised. Everything represents a threat to the development of the new self and new life on is trying to build. How can one not become at least a tad narcissistic under these conditions? What is the difference between self-care and narcissism?
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Degree. There are oceans between the two but the internet likes to call the slightest hint of selfishness narcissism. (Just like every lie is gaslighting and every notion of fear somehow a panic attack.)
People like to scoff about watee weight but it really is some of the most uncomfortable things to carry around. If you can keep it off it's so worth losing!
That's lovely. I'm always excited to see any reptiles but snakes are the coolest.
Fiera
Well-known member
This is a very insightful thing to say.
Most recently, the internet advises that gaslighting does not even have to involve intent to deceive, it can be called gaslighting just when someone disagrees with your point of view. AN spent a lot of time on a certain forum so I am sure that is where a lot of his evolved thinking is coming from. And it is not serving him. At all.
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