Fiera's Diary

Fiera said:
Attraction is distraction...or worse. Is it possible that this is the conclusion most single women over 50 reach? Or is this simply me giving up and letting my relationship trauma have its way? Eh...
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Over 40, I'd say :p Romantic considerations just complicate everything. We get more set in our ways as we age and are less willing to change things in order to somehow fit our own needs and wants around those of a man - which most younger women tend to do and many men seem to expect or at least be used to.
 
I'm crabby.
So no reason for anyone to read this.
I am feeling stretched thin again.
I love that I get to spend time with my dad. I hate that his world primarily consists of tv, going out to eat, and killing time between meals until it is time to eat. I am getting fat and not trying hard enough to dictate the content of the food. I am going for easy, in part, because I am exhausted. My allergies have been going nuts down here, I went the ER Sat night because my eye went nuts. I am drowsy and don't feel like trying to squeeze in a hike or even much dog walking. I don't talk much. I am spending a lot of time trying to get stuff done for the dog rescue. It has proven hard with just mobile devices and not my laptop. I need a real keyboard and multiple windows. I don't have time for things which are not efficient. I still have not responded to AN. I don't want to say no and yet I don't want to say yes. I have some things which I want to say, to set boundaries and point out how he made me feel, but then I worry about talking instead of listening, which then leads me to the place where I have to acknowledge that any relationship which requires this much second guessing is unlikely to have any payoff for the time, effort and angst I put into it. I don't believe in silence, as it maybe interpreted to be punitive, and yet I find I cannot speak.

Mostly I am just tired. Constantly watching after, taking care of, waiting on, doing laundry and dishes and cooking, cleaning up accidents, walking the dog, trying to get him out of the house, and then doing dog stuff in between. Today I felt sad and in the verge of crying a couple of times, which is a huge warning sign. Peaches comes back tomorrow eve and Thurs is bifurcated by a fabricated need to have lunch with an aunt and uncle I don't have ongoing contact with throughout the year. I have not been to the pool or hot tub.

But we did go to the L park yesterday and a today drive down to the island town (which did nothing for me). Sun we went to the little preserve park with stroller and dog access. I am about to go take a dog walk, hopefully for most of an hour. Maybe the crabbies will abate. I walked off while he was on the phone with Peaches to co e to the bedroom and get 15 minutes of quiet time.

I hate the television. Hate it.
 
It has taken some trials to get to a place where I am finally becoming less crabby. I am presently on the lanai, getting in some fresh air and listening to the sounds of a water fountain, ducks quacking, and tennis/pickleballs from the other side of the lake.

Peaches came home sick yesterday. It has caused some friction around belief systems. That is all I think I want to put in writing. I purchased Emergency-C this morning and took a double dose. Being already run down and dealing with allergies I am not optimistic that I will be able to skate thru this. I have some commitments I am loathe to fall down on.

*************

My dad and I went to lunch with my Aunt and Uncle, seated outdoors. Uncle is getting to a point he needs a scooter also I guess. Rough to see. They were avid golfers but it seems like things are getting pretty difficult for both of them. But it was nice to see them both.

I have been tired and low ish mood this entire trip. I wonder if the Zyrtec is a component, or whether the allergens/hystamines, or just feeling overstretched. I noted my dad is making a big effort to make requests and say please,and thank you, and say that he appreciates me and is glad that I came. Peaches has had a positive influence on him in that regard, and being appreciated makes it easy to be helpful.

I head home tomorrow. There are travel weather warnings. It should not be a problem if I get home late; only a challenge to productivity and compressing the weekend further. Volunteering Sat at Irish place then party at SB's that night. Sun possibly walking with DDog's family or the walkies club. TONS or work to do for the rescue group (have been doing quite a bit while down here even). KDog starts lasted therapy next week.

I'd better go, I have some things to do before start dinner.
 
I'M HOMEEEEEEEE! Wheeeeeee!

Wow. I love spending time with my dad and all but can be so draining to not get time to myself and to sit indoors with the a/c and tv on most of the day, unless going out to eat. I am going to need to get on a scale soon and it will be ugly. You know it has to be bad by the time I am going home I am ordering oatmeal for breakfast in the restaurant.

No hiking or exploring this time. No pool no hot tub. No reading no music. I brought guitar and took my class online Monday evening but no practice time/space. Just some dog walks and a couple of park walks where my dad rode his scooter. Honestly I felt drained and tired and not in a place to push myself. The allergies most likely, or the allergy med. I worked on a lot of rescue stuff, recruiting volunteers via email for the next go transport. It is getting challenging for me to keep everyone straight. Now that I am home I can get back to putting "notes" in the contacts in outlook.

Dad unexpectedly wrote me a check for my upcoming birthday. Haven't decided how to spend it yet. Maybe an overseas trip. KDog did well all the sitters and she starts laser therapy Monday so I could probably do 7-10 days in the spring. Proggy and I have an overwhelming number of travel ideas and KDog is the biggest consideration around where to go and when.

Today I have volunteering with Proggy at the Irish place this afternoon, then we will hang out there for a while. Later there is a party at SB's. We will have to pick up something to bring.

Oh, I bumped into my boss of something like 13 years and his wife (also a co-worker) at the airport yesterday after arrival. More like they spotted me. I heard what
sounded vaguely like my name being yelled but I was focused on trying to find a quick bite to eat before getting my bag. Then a female voice much closer yelled my name and I turned to see both of them. Very enthusiastic. I extended my hand to shake and the boss went in for the hug which I returned a bit awkwardly. They were on their way to Tahiti. I am glad that I could be in the moment and not have all the negative thoughts and feelings arise and be triggered. A truly, the woman was always nice and a good reliable coworker. And the boss, well, I think he is just low EQ. But he is also ruthless and a liar when it serves what he thinks is a greater purpose. There is the whole ordering me to break the law thing...the marginalization thing...he put me through hell. I doubt I will ever get to tell my story. Except to my therapist and in my journal To do so would me just appear to be disgruntled and bitter and unwilling to let go of old harms. It would damage ME - the life that I am building, the new relationships, the momentum.

Those poor women who walked around for so long having been sexually assaulted by a famous person...no wonder Me Too was so resonant. I experienced this to some extent with Tormentor, the bully at work... least once he did it to other women then there was a behavioral pattern which could not be entirely dismissed (even though it was pretty much covered up and allowed to continue). At least HR and a few people in power knew I was not alone....but in our case there was no grand resolution. We were afraid for our careers. And so you get to live with that your whole life, that shame, that fear..it sucks even now that speaking out would only serve to make me a less desirable person. Well...I just keep working on myself I guess, and try to make myself capable of speaking up.

I guess that's a parallel to the environment with my dad....it is his rules, you either live by them or eff off. He was laughing the other day describing to Peaches the night I wasn't allowed to go to the party and I was crying, how they would not support me going to the college of my choice (more of a performing arts school) and how proud he was he and my mom kept me from going down a wrong path in my life. Remember the poor kid in Dead Poets Society? A lot of people face grew up with that sort of parenting, I am not claiming that somehow I was tragic or different. All I am pointing out is that it has downstream effects (if it doesn't kill you). You learn to squash your needs and desires. Or you learn to leave behind your family of origin. Your choice. I chose one path and my brother chose the other. And because I chose that path I learned to keep my head down, be silent, comply, and be rewarded with relative safety and security. I learned to identify other people's boundaries and stay clear of them. I never learned to have my own. It was what I needed to do in order to survive in those environments.

I sure hope my future is continued growth and finding myself.

And I have been missing L so much. I finally said that out loud to my dad. He fit me so well in so many ways. I wish we could have fixed it.

Well, I am going to pull my head out of this and get back to Life.
 
Fiera said:
You know it has to be bad by the time I am going home I am ordering oatmeal for breakfast in the restaurant.
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What I hear is that your body has learned to ask for what it needs. I like it!
Fiera said:
KDog did well all the sitters and she starts laser therapy Monday
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Not being a pet person: what's laser therapy for dogs? I mostly know it for wound healing in humans.
Fiera said:
A lot of people face grew up with that sort of parenting, I am not claiming that somehow I was tragic or different.
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Just because a lot of people get hurt doesn't mean the hurt to each individual is unimportant. Recognizing the harm done and working to reduce the effects is big.
 
Llama said:
Not being a pet person: what's laser therapy for dogs? I mostly know it for wound healing in humans.
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It is used to treat arthrotis and inflammation in the joints. Treatment will hopefull reduce pain and improve range of motion in her hips and lower spine.
 
I didn't know you could go joint deep with laser energy, but maybe they use two with wave interference? Either way I hope it helps. Being in pain all the time is miserable.
 
So yesterday at volunteering I did something wrong. It might impact the director's opinion of me. She was certainly angry. I might have caused a conflict between the director and treasurer. I took what was a minor exception and ran with it in the interest of efficiency and speed. Not really thinking about the implications, just doing it. In retrospect it was not the right thing to do without clarifying further. Stupid slow credit card machines. Well...I feel like I am always apologizing to this director. I did an honest hard job and I won't do it again. Moving on because it has occupied too much mental real estate for the last 14 hours.

Volunteering and hanging out for an hour or so after we're fun. What was NOT fun was hanging out with Proggy. He showed up at my house without having eaten (a point we had discussed) and he went down the street to get a burrito and they were busy and it wasn't ready in time..well I don't need to get into the details but he was so crabby and had a banana at my house and a turkey jerkey and then a sandwich at the volunteering place but he was just a crabby b*stard about everything...about not working our assigned station, about being shuffled about...when I finally just jumped in to sell food and drink tickets he just went off and had a few beers which was fine, but he just continued to be crabby and then as soon as my shift was done he wanted to leave. He said he had had only 3 beers but was certainly under to the influence and it didn't help my mood either. I was pissed that he showed up at my house unprepared and grouchy and ranting....and I was pissed that he ruined the vibe atwhat is usually a fun and energizing event. After we walked in silence, irritated by each other. We picked up his remade burrito, and I ordered churro bites to take to SB's party....just because HE was not willing to tip or thank the people for remaking his food.

It wasn't a punitive silence, at least on my end. I was just shut down and resentful at him for bringing all the negative energy into my space. After a long week taking care of my dad, he lands at my home and just sucks all the joy out of my day. I sat and diddled on my tablet until it was time to leave for SB's. Only necessary communication. At length it was time to pick up a shrimp ring at the store and go to SB's party. Neither one of us talked much. We acknowledged that we would talk about it tomorrow and that we knew we were going to talk through it and be fine. My legs were killing me. His too. We eventually went into the front room and sat down. It's tough to get thru a party without drinking when you are tired and feeling every ache and pain.

SB looked beautiful though and it was nice to see familiar faces. We had a nice little chat with their son. I was having a tough time with names last night. I could not warm up to a newish couple; the one guy was loud and coarse and talked about their shots and hangovers from last night and waking up not knowing where he was. It wasn't so much that we are too old for that stuff, (which we are, and it is not cute any more), but his loud-voiced delivery which ensured every time he opened his mouth everyone in the room could hear him. And he had frightfully mossy looking teeth. Yuck. You can definitely tell the longtime friends of theirs/hubby's versus "party" friends SB acquired at the tavern.

So anyway, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and behind on things. S just texted was passing through the closest airport and I momentarily considered inviting her to delay for 24 hours and come visit. But I urgently need to get a grip on things. My anxiety is up. The first thing that comes to mind is poor diet and lack of exercise, as well as needing to get organized, unpack, catch up on rescue details/emails. My lymph nodes in my neck are swollen and I may be fighting something.

Today I would like to catch up, practice guitar, and take K dog for a walk once the slight ice layer is melted.
 
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Well. Proggy and I went out for brekkie and then took KDog for walk. I went to the regular grocery store early and the whole paychex store later for a specific item Proggy wanted.

I have done a substantial amount of catching up (but much more to go). Spent several hours thinning out my inbox while keeping an eye/ear on the Oscars. Am going to need to be more intentional and prioritize what I tackle tomorrow. Basically going thru and starring the items which are time sensitive.

There were a lot of good films this year, I look forward to eventually watching them.

Didn't get to guitar (again). Not going to improve if I don't practice. Class tomorrow.

Found my night guard. I have no excuse to not use it tonight.

I was half asleep and dialed AN when I intended to dial Proggy. Glad he did not pick up. I sent a text saying it was unintentional so would not try to return the call. Dumb. Everything about my connection with him has just become dumb and broken and sad. For my role in that I am sorry, but OTOT, I have seen him systematically blowing up old relationships the past couple of years, and latching on to victim narratives, so I guess it was just my turn. This is not the man I fell in love with, and his victim narratives seem to be twisted and inflexible. Makes me so sad that he has become so terribly broken and emotionally dangerous to be around.

Enough of that, time to get ready for bed.
 
So I totally abandoned my fasting intention last night for a last slice of deep pan pizza that I had spotted in the freezer earlier in the day. Why did I fail? Well largely because I was setting intentions without being intentional in mind and spirit. Much of TNMAG repeats on a theme of making a decision and then the rest follows. Intention setting is the easy part. Following through with actual living breathing in-the-moment decisions and staying mindful is the challenging part.

This also meams I took out my night guard and never put it back in again. Noted.

Am congested this morning which I suspect is due to the "cold" Peaches brought home finally making some traction. But could be the pizza. The lymph nodes were already swollen before pizza though. I also had hot sweat moments starting in the night. I have been taking an emergence packet since Friday morning but it only blunts the severity of illness, does not prevent. Going to not focus on it because ai simply cannot afford to get sick.

Snowing again. The teaser spring we had in late Feb is nowhere to be found. The repeating grey days are affecting people. Proggy and I both had SAD and while mine was under good management this year between 2 trips to sunshine and having DDog around, Proggy seems quite affected. I have made a couple of suggestions to get out of town for a weekend but it seems difficult for him.

I want to do 2 trips this year. Iceland and visit my friend in Ireland. There, that was was easy. There are other trips I want to take of course. I might in fact just combine Iceland and Ireland so that I only have to get a sitter once for KDog.

Ok that was intention setting. I am not going to work on it today but I have my goal set and I know that anything else is just gravy/opportunity. Like side trips to Brussels or Amsterdam.

Also, I just drank my matcha but I will still get on the scale and take a weight this morning. I messaged guru doc yesterday and told him where I am at and that I would like to do the 5-day again.

I have a to do list today. There is a lot on it. Top priority is getting email responses out and a headcount of all the volunteers so far for the next transport. I have a call scheduled with Pixy this afternoon.

My bowel feels unhappy this morning. My eyelids are painful and I need a shower. That's all I have to say about that. I need to do better.

I have missed meditation group and also Curly Bubbly for 2 weeks now. Also not practicing guitar or exercising. Maybe I need to give something up. Oh yeah. Food. Duh.
 
Nodding LaMa. You are so right. That is what living intentionally is all about. I have always enjoyed being a spontaneous "living in the moment" free spirit however the drawback is that it takes discipline to set and achieve goals. I come back to this topic once in a while. Marathon training taught me the value of setting big picture goals and having a disciplined plan for getting there. But it's almost like I am too enthralled with all of life's possibilities to choose one over the other. When I was marathon training there wasn't time for guitar or pottery or reading and not much time for dating or dogs or whatever. I bought I kayak I never use and I haven't made it backpack camping yet. Irish Friend taught me that you can deliberately put off an interest to align with a phase of life...for example writing a book when you are in your 70's and less able to be physically active. But this approach still requires decision making, prioritizing, clarity, self-knowledge, and a long term plan.

The more I have been exposed recently to trauma and the effects of trauma, I realize that some of my tendencies are trauma based. I don't think I will go down that rabbit hole ATM as I need to finish TNMAG before lunchtime meeting with Saylor. It's just un effing believable that after years of hearing AN say that his entire adult life has been a trauma response and he is still working on finding out who he really is...that I finally truly understand what he means and what that realization feels like. It is so exhausting thinking that all these years have gone by, how much therapy, how much unpacking, to finally get to the point that you really actually know and can see, and then you have to rebuild knowing you only have a few decades left. All how much time and effort has gone into it, time and effort you might have spent making something of yourself.

Still, a couple of decades can be smashingly good if you are in good physical and mental health, and determined to make the most of them. I have some challenges to be sure but they are not extreme. However I do need to choose to make health a priority. I can't do it all. I suck at letting go of things, of objects, of people, of dreams, I suck at choosing. But I have a birthday coming up which marks 15 years since I divorced, 15 years since I made that major life change, thinking I owed it to myself to live an extraordinary life, and really what have I done with that opportunity?

A worthy topic to reflect on, but not at this moment.

I really need to find a mountain cabin and take K-Dog and lock the door for a month.
 
Weight this morning 172.9 I do feel a bit bloated. 5-day kit is on the way. Will have to decide what to do around next transport party.
 
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Every life is extraordinary but we do owe it to ourselves to figure out what's important to each of us individually to do and achieve. Goals don't have to be flashy as long as they feel meaningful to you.
 
Yep that is very true LaMa, thank you. I have to meet myself where I am. I have lived most of my life without regret. But in the last few years I have started to feel it more. It is not useful. Every minute spent in regret is is a minute stolen from what still can be.

I watched Dead Poets Society yesterday. What a brilliant film. It solidified some of the things I was realizing the other day about the role of parental control and how that shaped me during my formative years and early adulthood. My dad is, to this day, so pleased with himself about not letting me go to art school. I finally said something subtle the other day because I was just tired of letting his narrative slip by unchallenged,

I started The Whale last night but fell asleep. It was after Proggy called and derailed my progress on the photo backup project. He is upset that I want to do my own thing this weekend. Yesterday I received word that another women's club member passed away, so there is a visitation Sat morning, and then EF invited me to stop by a surprise bday party for her brother at a bar in the hometown. She just had back surgery and her BDay is also coming up so I want to make the extra effort to go see her plus her family. I feel like I also just want to walk around town a bit and absorb and connect and go visit my mom's grave. Proggy wants to come with because he likes my friends and he doesn't want to get left out. And he is lonely. But when I said that I just felt like ai wanted some alone time he got all upset. "You are always alone. You do not work. You have more alone time than anyone that I know." I tried to explain that I just got back from a week at my dad's and ran down and picked up my dog and went to bed. and then immediately he was at my house the next day before noon. There has been tons of dog rescue stuff, friend calls and check ins, unpacking, guitar class, opthamologist appt, grocery shopping, KDog laser therapy etc etc. There was reading and talk with Saylor. I am behind on restorative time to read, or play guitar, or watch movies or etc. Also of course I am struggling and failing to figure out how respond to AN's invite to come over.

Of course my therapist and others have told me that people who are poor at respecting boundaries get angry when you try to set them. I told him how busy I was and trying to get the photo stuff done and they he still called me back 30 minutes later and aplogized and attempted to keep me on the phone. He admitted that his one friend had cancelled and that he was potentially going to be alone all weekend.
He is not in a good place and feels like I am pushing him away. I tried to explain that my need for alone time is not me pushing him away. But that is all I can do. I told him that if I get more caught up and feeling more settled and feeling like company I can let him know later in the week. It's not healthy, that I can see. His cousin had cancer surgery and needs radiation and chemo and he is awash in nostalgia and fear of losing his closest relative. But I have to take care of myself and listen to my own needs.

Guess I am getting a bit better at recognizing that.

I did however hang up the phone and break my intended fast. I headed downstairs for mini cones and then made popcorn. It was one big long eating day yesterday.
 
Fiera said:
Of course my therapist and others have told me that people who are poor at respecting boundaries get angry when you try to set them.
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Good, then I won't :p
Fiera said:
He is not in a good place and feels like I am pushing him away.
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That's what happens when you cling to someone so tightly they can't breathe: they start pushing back in self defense.
 
I did it. It took about 2 weeks to respond to AN's offer to meet and come over.
I still can't wrap my mind around it. I feel like I have frozen up and ignored it and when I try to untangle things it is too complicated to try to balance what I need to say and hear, and what he may need. Any time I turn my mind to the idea I just turn into a river of anxious energy. It's no use. There isn't even a path to a salvageable friendship right now. And I want to stay on target with the more positive things which are going on in my life. So I said no and that I no idea how long it was going to take. And signed it "sending affection through tears", which pretty much sums it up.
 
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