Fiera's Diary

Tuesday. First snow. I usually really enjoy seeing the first snow. But this year the prospect of winter is not inspiring joy. I guess there are a few reasons. One is that it makes things difficult for/with KDog. Another is that I have yet another duty-driven trip to FL coming up instead of having a plan in place to get both KDog and I to a warmer clime. Am also concerned about AN. And am concerned about the impact of cold weather to our transport plans next week. Fingers crossed for a warm up.

Yesterday's appt with the meds doc was pretty easy. She agrees it is plausible that improving gut health is resulting in improved meds absorption, though there are other plausible explanations. It's nice to speak with someone who acknowledges the gut-brain connection which is getting a lot more recognition these days, esp with younger practitioners. She is pressing another look at thyroid and hormones, and in particular articulated that she does not agree that "normal" laboratory ranges are the entire story; in fact a TSH of 2.0 or greater she feels people can be symptomatic. So I went back and looked and Interestingly my thyroid went from 1.3/1.4 in 2020/2021 to 2.1 in May 2022 when all this BS started and down to 1.9 at the end of September just before things started to improve. Could be coincidence or correlated with something else.

I have the rheumatologist visit today, and then, universe willing, I am done with docs for this year. It is such a blessing to have time and space and energy and mental health in my life all at the same time. It will not last, because everything is impermanent. I appreciate the awareness from a place and perspective where I can really enjoy what I have in the present.

And that includes embracing the snow. 🙂
 
Rheum running more labs and see him in 2 weeks. Also says he likely to refer to a neurologist. Guru doc running thyroid US. Not done. Thinking about it all with gratitude though. At least I feel heard and not treated like I am a nut job.

AN rescheduled guitar. I was tired but I made myself use the time to do some more basement stuff...the pipe wrap which turned out to be easier than expected...and the last of the masonry cleanup. Washing the curtains from the back room. The last big cleanup item is a 14' wide wooden blind which cannot be taken down and has accumulated mildew. I have some bleach wipes with should make it go faster. Then just maybe add a rug or two and some wall coverings to spice it up. And still some other things to list for sale.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be quite busy so Thursday just going to try to take it easy again. Proggy coming up Sat. I need to ask AN if he has any particular preferences for Thanksgiving. Proggy is not giving me much space to maneuver.
 
Blessed with a couple of quiet hours before my day amps up. I love my quiet time and my journal.

I am noticing that the passage of time is different for myself versus others. The time since L passed in 2018, the farewell trip to spread his ashes, the marathon in 2019, my last year of work and the past almost 3 years now of pandemic and retirement are primarily a dark blur. 5 years seems almost a single heartbeat, whereas for other people a lot of time has passed. Weddings, births, graduations, deaths, other milestones. It is with a profound sense of gratitude that I recognize that I am finally thawing out and able to take an active interest in my own self care and pursuits. This morning investigated a new gym which offers yoga classes. Last night I was thinking ahead to taking guitar class if I stay local, if I don't head out of state with KDog for a month in winter.

I am not a believer in any sort of divine intervention. But I am at peace with recognizing that life unfolding this way will get me to wherever I am going. It simply is, now. Maybe I wasn't supposed to move or buy a new house. Maybe the person(s) I have yet to meet weren't in a position to cross my path. Maybe I was not ready for the life lessons I needed to learn. Maybe there would have been a terrible tragedy if I had pulled the trigger on some things before I was ready.

While the stock market pulled back, which I greatly feared heading into retirement, the financial picture is still ok. It was good that I didn't stretch to mortgage a larger/nicer house; the advisor wanted to use low interest rates and take the equity from current house and plow it into the market. Trusting my gut in financial decisions has served me well, even if there have been missed opportunities. Having a paid for little house in a safe neighborhood, in spite of property taxes, certainly helps me feel like I have my feet under me. With investments in repairs it will serve as a base of operations indefinitely. Work I am doing daily in the basement will support being ready for repairs or eventual sale.

I may be coming around a bit - not settling exactly - but not pressuring myself to live a wild and adventurous life. In some respects I already did that a decade ago. I just want to feel peaceful now. Yes, that means getting away sometimes to a mountain or to an ocean or to a foreign city. But if my trip to Toronto means anything, it's that left to my own unfettered devices, I have a tendency to overdo it.

Looking then at the greatest threats to my peace...currently that is the Proggy/AN collision. I need to talk this out with some friends to decide what to do. Other than that, the folks who were draining me on a daily basis are not currently doing so, and that has freed up a lot of bandwidth for myself. Also, since my health is doing better and my brain has improved, I am no longer simply surviving. I like this version of me much better.

163.9 this morning, which is a bit better. My daily pattern has been eating late breakfast and lunch, paying attention to carbs and clean eating. Then at dinner time and after the ball gets rolling and I turn to free feeding all evening. I have slipped from my evening routine even though an alarm goes off every night at 8:30.

Time for me to get going, have brekkie, take a shower before I head to the lab.
 
The work you are doing around your house seems like it is protecting your investment. It's good to be in that sound place of not having a mortgage & living in a safe environment is worth a lot.
Fiera said:
Also, since my health is doing better and my brain has improved, I am no longer simply surviving. I like this version of me much better.
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That's good to see :)
 
Felt hung over in all respects this morning. Worked on music with AN for a couple of hours yest afternoon. It was overwhelming trying to figure out new songs and unfamiliar chords on the fly with a tuned down guitar and a temperamental app which wouldn't transpose, Also I thought we would be doing 2-3 songs, like he did last year. He has in mind 15-30 minutes worth. Disturbingly he has no memory of doing 3 songs last year, just one. (!) We have differed on it twice now after I said that I thought one of the songs he wants to do is a repeat. I asked Proggy last night who confirmed my memory is correct. I don't even know how to handle it - his vehement denial feels like gaslighting, yet I know it is legit...how important is it to be right about this, how important for him to understand the extent to which his mind is playing tricks on him?

He made pot roast in a pressure cooker for dinner. Damn the man can cook. We had wine, smokes, music while it was cooking, When he suggests a song like Gold Dust Woman, am I supposed to take that as his personal experience and if so, who? All the songs he picks seem laden with meaning. Much as I adore him, he makes me dizzy and unsettled too much of the time. Sigh. I seemingly am a woman who needs to put her hand on the burner to see whether it is really hot.

I was moderately surprised that he still walked me to my car last night and still kissed me, as I pretty much put my coat on after post-dinner hour ended in more draining talk about finances in which I felt I had once again unwittingly poked him in the eye. I told him if he ever needs help, he is going to have to ask me in plain English because I have spent too much time in the past trying to read tea leaves, not just with him.

I also asked him about the I hate you and I love you remark, and he said he had no recollection of saying that. He asked me for context; I couldn't understand it at the time and I certainly couldn't give him any context. He absolutely agreed that hate is a very strong word but I guess this is going to be lost to the winds of time. Thing is, he is particular about words and is keen to jump on me for imprecision; how can he think it's OK to use the word "hate" with me so carelessly? It almost feels like he expects more out of me than he expects out of himself sometimes. In any event, I really am not seeing how spinning our wheels continually is benefitting either one of us.

Today was slow getting going but eventually got some things done. Booked thyroid ultrasound. Organized vitamins. Tossed out gold lamp I never liked. Brisk snowy walk with KDog, trip to H bank to close an account and redo a CD at a higher rate. It will help pay property taxes next year. Started moving funds around to get them into a higher paying money market recommended by my financial advisor. He also called today to nudge me to sign some papers and go over a Euro stocks opportunity. This one locks up your money for 5 years but it's a pretty small investment so I am going to give it a whirl.

Early dinner Caldo 7 Mares seafood soup and steak fajitas w lo carb tortillas. Why? Because AN said he wasn't sure how he felt about eating octopus any more. So, more for me, ha, I will not give up this delicious dish. IF we end up doing early Thanksgiving Weds it will probably be lobsters and steak.
 
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Nice quiet evening. Got caught up on most of my banking and transfers and reconciliations.

The list of things I want to do before Tuesday's dog transport is growing. Some things are being dropped at my house this weekend, like food, coats, leashes, paperwork. I am excited but also nervous about my energy level to get it all done. Maybe AN or Proggy will help. More likely Proggy since he is staying over Sat night and we are going to a sketch comedy. He can help me Sunday.

It is turning super cold for a few days. KDog doesn't want to go out and I don't particularly feel like leash walking her. I suppose we will get used to it soon enough. Just seems like it isn't time for winter yet. Reminds me, I need to order some new boots for her, the old ones are cracking.

Up much later than usual. AN going to call shortly so I will call it a night here.
 
There it is. Red hot anger.

Had a short unremarkable call w AN last night before bed.
Sent a hello this morning while he was doing P.A. stuff for friend who had a stroke.
Shortly after he got home he rang me.

It was
- Struggling w fatigue and processing a lot right now; recovery
- Not getting enough alone time (noting how much isolation had dogged him until recently)
- The text this morning, what should he do with it? Should he respond? It's a distraction when he is focusing on other things. And he doesn't prefer texts anyways,
- He point out that I am out of town tomorrow (no, Proggy and I have plans dinner and a show); I reminded him that as already discussed I have tonight and tomorrow up until 3 or so but tomorrow and Sunday I now need to stick around my house, Maybe Sunday night or Monday.
- You have plans for Thanksgiving right? I reminded him that yes I have plans already with Proggy but that is why I asked him about early Thanksgiving on Weds and I had already looked at where to get live lobster, He made a comment about them being quite expensive and that he only mentioned it because he had used and cleaned his lobster pot.
- The holidays are really clunky. He doesn't even really know how he is going to feel. All he knows is that Stroke Friend asked him for help tomorrow morning.
- Then he says that A (his girlfriend before me that he used to live with) is coming up for a few days over the holidays.
Oh. That last one was the zinger.

Now. I know they have remained somewhat tenuous friends for the last decade. And I know that when he went down to visit this summer for a night something happened over a bottle of wine. But he hasn't brought her name up in quite some time. So this caught me entirely by surprise.

It plausible, even likely that this is something that was tossed out between them months or weeks ago and it just came up at exactly the wrong time.

He says he needs isolation and is just getting through on a daily basis (making it impossible to commit to plans) yet he can mention in the same breathe plans for her to come up over the holidays? And no ask/desire to do something with me?

He has done nothing further in several days to email me the list of songs we are supposed to work on and so now with only 2 weeks left before I travel I guess I will shit can that idea I have put 6-8 hours in on already.

But I kept my cool. I told him I get the need for alone time, because I do. And that it was going to be up to him to get in touch.

But I turned off notifications for him on my phone. I blocked him (and also bg) from any social updates.

I am well aware that this may just be him being as clumsy as I have sometimes been with him. I don't know that there is any malice, just genuine struggles for clarity and to stay afloat.

And I refuse to let this roll around in my head and distract me.

I had a nice shower. I worked on dog rescue stuff. I will go to my Friday night women's club. I have been getting a lot of stuff done and soon I will be in a position to enjoy the fruits of my labors and some down time.

And everthing turned searing white. I know that feeling. I don't want it I don't need it and I certainly am not going to chase after it. And has happened on more than one occasion with him, I hung up the phone pleasantly enough and then flipped him the bird.
 
I know it is going to take a bit of time and distance to see clearly.

Meanwhile, I cleaned the back basement room window perimeter of dust and flaking paint then rehung the curtains. Now washing the kitchen rug. This afternoon I rearranged a few bits of furniture and lamp in the guest BR; realizing that the table needs to be downsized. Not urgent, but I can probably find one used for almost nothing. And it looks cozier in there for sure.

Saylor texted me that the mom of one of our woman's club members passed away and the visitation had already started. It is about a 30 minute drive and I was not in a frame of mind to drop everything and run over there. But with more advance notice I would have planned to go. Anyway I will see Saylor later. I wasn't sure about going tonight but she specifically asked me. And I said, this is probably the Universe giving me what I need (female friends tonight and alone time) instead of what I want.

I am calm-er now. Probably going to leave in 20 mins. It is snowing. And temps are dropping. Also perfect conditions to help me knock off the cigarettes. Thanks Universe. CB and I talked today and she said she felt I was headed down a slippery slope. I don't disagree. I wish relationship dissonance wasn't so challenging for me. I take it so darn personally. Feeling rejected isn't fun. But I have been down this road before.
 
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Well, women's club ended up not happening due to a mixup over keys. However CC was there and needed a ride home. We had a nice talk, sitting in my car for the better part of an hour. She has been doing much better lately which is really great to see. I kind of feel like again, the Universe gave me what I needed tonight.

Talked to Proggy for a while afterward. Among the daily catch up I asked him for input on the right thing to do regarding the phone call from the detective investigating the domestic incident. The wife doesn't want to cooperate now. But they are thinking of pursuing felony charges anyway.

Saw a coyote in a park close to home. Ordered a couple of books including one recommended by CC called Walking on Eggshells which seems at first blush to resemble some of the dynamics with me and AN lately. Ordered thermal curtains for the guest bedroom. If is it too cold tomorrow night Proggy can have my room and I will sleep on the couch. I still need to tape the windows for winter. It is a hard freeze the next few nights though.

Snack of warmed fresh mango topped with remnants of nsa vanilla coconutmilk ice cream to get the container out of my freezer. It was decent. KDog had a pup cup.

4 more days til the pup transport. It's all coming together now. Stuff I have not got around to listing for sale went into a storage closet for now, tidy and organized.

Made another 2 transfers out of the "big bank" account today and now I can close the accounts there permanently. Progress.

Time for a movie and conk out.
 
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I have been awake for about an hour now, staying warm under the blanket. Not looking forward to taking KDog out in a bit. Wind chill is 0F.

It did finally just occur to me that AN's reluctance to commit to plans in the short term may factor in uncertainty over possession of Stroke Friend's car. He mentioned that yesterday she walked without a walker for the first time "although like she was drunk". Implicit that she will soon be driving. Also she regularly makes the car available to immediate neighbors, so the days AN has it maybe coming to an end. Given that is so cold out, not knowing his work schedule or whether he has a vehicle would make it a bit difficult to commit to coming over here, and I told him I am stuck to my house now Sat and Sun due to dropoffs for the rescue. I just assumed I would pick him up for early Thanksgiving if he didn't have a car but it was never discuessed between us.

As far as his ex, A, coming up, why wouldn't he? They lived together for years, it's a free place she can stay while back in town. Pretty sure she did it last year. If there is something between them that will flush it out. I know my worth. I don't have time for any man who doesn't think I am the cherry on top of his whipped cream.

I entertained the thought of going on a dating site last night for some harmless chat. But it is a pain to set up a profile. And then, I am not really ready to put the time and psychic energy into dating. I am finally starting to live MY life, why would I want the distraction?

In a very good place this morning indeed.
 
The movement continues. Signed up for a guitar class starting Jan 4. Going to do an online fretboard workshop this afternoon before Proggy gets here. Picked up 2 resale purchases - a leather cushioned stool for the guest room to replace a too-large table, and a rug for the basement for the doggies to nap on and make it a bit cozier. $5 and $15 respectively. Going to make some brunch now. Heart is smiling. Definitely better than overthinking things around AN.
 
Worked a couple more hours on the basement. Trashed a few things and got the garbage out. Got out the shop vac and got rid of tons of cobwebs. Things are looking fresh and bright. Seeing possibilities. The rug looks great. Repurposed an old futon frame and some carpet remnants to build short platforms off the floor, just need some 1/2 to 3/4" plywood sheets. Looking for food bowls, an xpen, and maybe a few more beds/mats. A few other safety odds and ends and I think I will be ready to go.

I ended up talking to Proggy and we decided to skip tonight. Then he got all pissed because apparently weeks ago he told me he was interested in a concert that I wasn't on Thanksgiving Eve, and I had told him he could go by himself and stay at my house. But it didn't come up when we talked last week and I thought we agree he was coming up Thanksgiving Day. So when I told him that I had invited AN over for Thanksgiving Eve he got all upset. And he got upset even when I said I would move it to AN's house. He gave me the same lecture about it and I put a stop to the call at one point to take a break for 20 minutes. It is getting tiresome. The funny thing is that AN may not even come up for air by then.

I was just knocked out physically from all the work and I really didn't need the lecture. I didn't end up having dinner and a bath until late. I thought I might still make the comedy show but it's not that important and I think I will stay home, rest, and turn the darn phone off.
 
Times I Lied

Yesterday I got to thinking about how financial security became such a driving force/fear in my life. I recall being about 8-9-10 years old and slipped when the neighborhood kids were playing tag or something on a damp drizzly day. I chipped my front tooth when my face connected with a neighbors asphalt driveway. I wasn't upset about the tooth or pain, but I started wailing as I walked home that "it is going to cost so much!" I was fearful of my parents reaction when I got home. Clearly by then the fear was already established. As a child my folks used to have tension, heated arguments about money. They both came from backgrounds of scarcity.

Part of Friday nights conversation with CC was about working at being authentic. I related to her what I also said to Proggy a couple of days ago, that there are things my Dad will never know about me, because his love is conditional and he is a "my way or the highway" type of person. But having to hide or mute aspects of yourself to maintain approval/love is really a survival tactic.

My poor brother.

Yesterday I started thinking of times as I child that I lied about things to avoid getting into trouble. I suppose that most kids do. I remembered the time at the bowling alley when I curiously flipped a call switch. I lied when the manager asked me nicely if I had done it. I must have been 3 or 4. (What were my mom and I even doing there, what was she talking to the manager about, during the daytime when the place was otherwise empty?) But I was afraid I had done something wrong. And it speaks to how it was growing up....fear of making mistakes, fear of consequences, fear of angering an adult. I learned it from them. He had a temper, particularly when he had been drinking on a weekend and there would be verbal abuse and yelling. He generally spent weeknight evenings watching tv by himself, present in the room but detached from the family.

Forgetting the several other examples of lying which I recalled and how, while not frequent, it strikes me that there was a pattern of fear of disapproval from adults. Oh....7th grade and the Santa letter.

My brother was very turned inward, described as "shy", and by the time I was 4 he would have been 9 or 10, so I also would have had his example...his survival tactic was being invisible.

High school, perhaps not as notable. The time in high school regarding the recostore and the night we snuck out and went to SL's party (ugh, we got caught). The night we went to an after hours work party after a concert and lied about a traffic accident blocking the highway.

Sometimes it sucks that I can't have these talks with my mom now and ask "what was going on there?" My dad's recollection of events is often denial or twisted, though on the whole he has in recent years been willing to answer questions.

This isn't very cohesive but just getting this down and taking a break.
 
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So this brings me to...a Depeche Mode song. Policy of Truth.

AN has been working really hard to find out what is real and authentic about himself and what is trauma response. Speaking and living his truth has meant having the courage to let conditional relationships fall away, but generally first confronting the person. That is what he has been doing with me, I think. He isn't always correct in his assessment of my views, but I am not sure it really matters. He wants to debate and be obstinate about nuances of words and meanings, and I don't function that way. My thoughts and words generally don't materialize in real time, because the emotional response comes first. Thus I tend to react viscerally, with feelings and colors, which I then have to take the time to figure out what they are. I do much better thinking in solitude with my journal because there is no threat, no risk, no need for people pleasing.

Anyway, the song is about the consequences of speaking truth. "You will always wonder how it would have been if you'd only lied."

There are consequences of me speaking truth to AN about finances and trouble navigating. There are consequences of me telling Proggy about spending time with AN, and of the nature of how we are spending time.

Llama, to your point about being complicated humans...some days it really feels hopeless. It feels like one has to make a choice between being authentic and being alone. In the past I have chosen people pleasing and muting myself in order to avoid being alone and attract/retain people.

I feel like I am going to end up writing a song today. I'm outta here for now.
 
Well I did work on a song yesterday, which is remarkable given that it has been years since I felt anything like that. Credit a couple of things...AN, a pause in being in survival mode, movement spurred by dog rescue and cleaning, Creativity has been manifesting in small little ways.

I have been acquiring items for my basement waypoint for the rescue dogs from an online resale marketplace. It feels good to save money and to repurpose items, and you know folks are glad to free up space. OTOT it is time consuming, and not everyone is candid or aware of the state of their "like new items"...ones which have acquired a smell from sitting around for example. Another reason I have learned not to over pay. But am running out of time and may get a couple of area rugs at a homegoods store today.

I didn't sleep that well. I think I was doing remaining dog prep stuff over and over in my wake and sleeping states. Exchanged texts with S around 3A after we each sent the day's wordle. Then I got up and turned off the light. At one point before I got up I noticed the room was spinning a little and my teeth were pressed together. So my stress level is probably up a bit. Plus I took Benadryl last night since the woman who sold me the dog bowls/feeder seems to also have had a cat.

Also noticed some warm spells past few days. No coincidence that I have been slacking on my hormone creams for at least a week. So got that back on track this morning. Sometimes I put things away so the cleaning lady can clean and then when life gets busy they are "out of sight, out of mind."

The early morning sky is lit by an odd combination of cloud effects, hues of orange, purple pink, grey, and blue. I do love that my couch and windows give me morning shows as I sit here with my matcha tea.

After a conversation with CB Friday, and my talk with CC that evening, I have acquired 2 books which I think will help me navigate upward and onward. One of them seemed to be describing exactly some of the thoughts and behaviors I manifest whichhave the most negative impact on my relationships. Not like it is ever great to have a label, but at the same time it is good to have a guide to work with which has apparently helped many other people. You are never too old to try and practice thoughts and behaviors which will support your longer term happiness and well being.

S texted last night saying she was thinking of being in town over the holiday and asking about our plans. I really didn't know what to do because of course she is my friend but I kinda burned out after all the long and constant phone calls. My schedule this week is already very full. And I knew that Proggy would be very upset after the snafu over Weds eve and AN, knowing that S's presence for a couple of days would ruin our Thanksgiving/time off plans. But she is my long time friend and I know what the right thing is to do. Proggy and I talked at length and in the end I got back to her with a couple options. By then she had sorted some ideas out and she will spend Thanksgiving with her dad and meet her in the hometown on Fri at EF's. Possibly she will come spend the night here on Sat. That is much more welcome option all around and less stressful for me.

My brother has not responded to a message I sent Nov 9 nor a call/text I sent him yesterday. This is about making plans to see him when I am in FL in December. It is getting tiring. I give him a lot of slack but it is getting to the point now where we have some ticket dates to exchange and my dad is getting antsy. Well....I will give him another ping today and then say eff it we will just make plans without him.

Have not been on the scale in a few days...I know it could be better, could be worse.
 
Lucky me. That is how I feel having gotten the bulk of the preparations settled, and having been in contact with the group president this morning. Not just lucky me. But deliberate me. Fortunate me. Grateful me. I have been on a path for 15 years which led me to this event. My health and functioning have improved to allow me to pursue things which matter to me. I can once again be reliable and feel like I have something to offer. My heart is happy and it will feel so full tomorrow when the dogs and volunteers are finally here. Where this path will take me next who can say? For now I am living in the moment, entirely present.

It reminds me a bit of when I travel. There is the whirlwind of activity and planning up until the moment I am at the airport and my bag and I are checked in. The relief of letting go of all that anxiety and knowing that I can relax is palpable. It would be better of course to not experience the stress in the first place, but after all, I am human.

For now I turn my attention to Fiera things..need to pay bills, schedule an oil change etc. Oh and I got a text from my brother, he plans to call me over lunch today.
 
Fiera said:
Creativity has been manifesting in small little ways.
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Creativity and love/friendship make the difference between feeling alive and merely existing, for me, so that's wonderful to hear.
Fiera said:
The early morning sky is lit by an odd combination of cloud effects, hues of orange, purple pink, grey, and blue. I do love that my couch and windows give me morning shows as I sit here with my matcha tea.
Click to expand...
❤️ Another high point: being able to just be present and enjoy.
Fiera said:
My health and functioning have improved to allow me to pursue things which matter to me. I can once again be reliable and feel like I have something to offer. My heart is happy and it will feel so full tomorrow when the dogs and volunteers are finally here. Where this path will take me next who can say? For now I am living in the moment, entirely present.
Click to expand...
❤️
 
I'm good-tired. And a little sore.

The day got a little derailed by..."the smell". I noticed it last night and worse today, this smell of urine...was it one of the items I picked up? Was it the donated towels? Was it the futon frame, which came out of storage but was in the house when I had a male dog? I rewashed towels, and they still seemed to give a whiff. I could smell it in the staircase to the kitchen. But I couldn't really pinpoint what was going on. Eventually when I stopped washing laundry it mostly settled down. My conclusion is that it may be the washing machine itself, it may not be draining properly, and I washed KDog's soiled runner in there a couple of days ago. I ran about 1/2 bottle of bleach through it to kill anything off and will re-rewash the towels again in the morning. Fingers crossed.

Around 4, the president came over with dog food. I had not anticipated that food meant a 40 pound bag for each foster. Plus there is a lot of canned food and some toys and cookies that the store donated. We used a cart to wheel stuff to my basement entrance but lifting and carrying the bags down the stairs, unprepared and doing what was needed, meant a bit of strain of neck and back muscle ps which havent been stretched in a while. Hopefully it won't move from discomfort to pain overnight.

After all that I was pooped but I still drive down to West L--- to pick up another dog bed.

I hadn't though about it but now we are feeding the volunteers so in the morning I need to make sure I have cups and plates etc. I bought salsa and chips and pop and water and we will get pizza and salad. My favorite pizza joint is closed that day by the owner really likes me and wants to do it. Very sweet of her.

Ideally I would decorate more now and make it cozier, but it has still come a loooooong way. I hung a new yard flag and filled in the gap between the stairs ans sidewalk with levelling sand as a temporary fix, since too cold to use concrete or gap filler.

No contact from AN so I guess this is going to be a long pause. I am glad I am busy because when I think about it, I get angry and hurt. But mostly I feel shame because I was grasping.

I had a real sense of satisfaction today in seeing how I have in a short time become part of a group of really excellent people who share my passion. Yes, it is because I have the time and willingness to go the extra mile. I am establishing credibility and trust, and slowly getting to know people. Many of these women have worked together for years and I have a lot to learn. Frankly they are all amazing and it's cool for me to learn from them.

Time to go pop some ibuprofen. Watching Hoarders, the show which always inspires me to get rid of stuff.
 
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