Funny how that goes. They tend to hype you up big time at first as well, for not being like those other people, and it ends up feeling very manipulative. I hope you bailed in time.
Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
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Fiera
Well-known member
Not bailing yet but first actively attempting to snap dynamics back to center and keep interactions shorter. These are friends with whom interactions used to be more bidirectional. Curly Bubbly feels that they are not narcissists, only self-absorbed. But I have allowed this, as part of an overall period of losing my energy, my voice and sense of self. Friends who required nothing but my time as a listener made it easy because I didn't have much to say for myself. Now that I am functioning better and blossoming, it's important for me to use my voice and be heard. I don't feel I need to bail. If people don't like my truth, that's OK. They can choose to stick around or not stick around. If I won't coddle their victimhood they will snap out of it or, more likely, disappear on their own.
Fiera
Well-known member
I didn't want to get on the scale but I did. 162.9. I have been experimenting with not eating until lunch time, as I am not so hungry in the morning hours, and then having a lunch with more protein, a small amount of carbs and veg. It seems to hold me until say 5 or 6. But once I eat dinner the train continues to roll and I "make up" for the deficit early in the day (or worse). I still might be able to manage a 12-8 feeding window if I find the right combination of foods. I have gone from having ready made frittata to snack on, to grabbing the bags of almonds and cranberries. So need to make a frittata today.
I like this way of looking at it, thank you.
Fiera
Well-known member
2M walk with SB today. Got my hair cut at the barber and early voted. Made a frittata earlier with chicken sausage, red pepper, and artichoke. I ate an entire half of it which is 4 eggs, some half and half, and a full sausage for lunch. Est 450 cals. Now at 5P having kale, turkey burger, and a bit of naan bread and butter. Not enough cals to get thru the evening, I will have to add something else.
Yesterday I was reading reviews of dating apps. But I know I am not ready. I go from feeling Ok if I never hear from AN again, to feeling anxious and sad about it. But there is no peace in grasping, as I learned in meditation group. There is peace in getting organized though. I have some bills to pay and want to take a crack at getting rid of some paperwork which is in piles. Maybe a nice soak in the tub tonight.
I am going to treat myself to turning off the phone/ipad for a few hours. Funny, now that dad and Peaches are in FL, and S is in a more stable place, I don't feel like I have to be "on call" for people 24/7, Yay. I'm outta here!
Yesterday I was reading reviews of dating apps. But I know I am not ready. I go from feeling Ok if I never hear from AN again, to feeling anxious and sad about it. But there is no peace in grasping, as I learned in meditation group. There is peace in getting organized though. I have some bills to pay and want to take a crack at getting rid of some paperwork which is in piles. Maybe a nice soak in the tub tonight.
I am going to treat myself to turning off the phone/ipad for a few hours. Funny, now that dad and Peaches are in FL, and S is in a more stable place, I don't feel like I have to be "on call" for people 24/7, Yay. I'm outta here!
Fiera
Well-known member
I found a good current summary of them on tomsguide dot com. (search: dating apps). I don't think I landed on a favorite as they all have their little quirks, like only giving you 24 hours after seeing someone to make contact. I froze up at the idea of creating a profile and putting up pictures and getting the ball rolling. I have enough emotional turbulence right now without adding dating to it.
I did hear back from AN yesterday evening. He thanked me for the time and thought which went into my email. He also said that it is "at least worthy of further discussion" and proposed either today or any time after he gets back from a short out of town Thu-Sat. I chose Monday as Proggy and I also are going out of town this weekend and I don't want a conversation with AN to be pervasive in my thoughts.
One takeaway out of all of this is that my inability to process thoughts and feelings in real time is a real challenge. I accept that is who I am and how I tick. Somehow only writing things down really allows me to sift through and find the root of my emotions. It's like writing opens a channel. Music I guess used to do that as well, but music usually amplifies feelings, or redirects them, which may explain why I haven't been listening to it much in recent years. Same with alcohol. Same with men. Somehow I have come to embrace what has been necessary for self preservation. I surely hope that newfound energy and health will help me get back to myself.
Speaking of...still nipping at cigarettes. Maybe 3 or 4 of them yesterday. But like this morning I just had 1/2 of one and left the rest for later. I don't want to get to the point where my lungs feel cruddy and fill up with crap and I think things are at that point now. Also, I have done nothing so far to prepare for the turkey trot which is in oh..,3 weeks? (Goes to check calendar...) oh crud yeah it is on the 24th. That is 3 weeks from tomorrow. Sheesh. Well....I had toyed with getting out for a jog without KDog today and I guess that seals it.
Wish I could wear contacts but not there (yet).
Sun is out, expecting a nice day ahead. Feeling a little emotionally muddy. I had to take a xanax yesterday evening. Stupid men.
Fiera
Well-known member
162.4.
The trend definitely flattened in the past week due to the excesses this weekend (read: fantastic German sausages). lol. No regrets but time to get back to business. Last night was another evening spree. I get the idea of fasting / feeding windows but if the feeding has no boundaries then it is hardly going to be successful. Still...I think the total IN yesterday was likely to have been around 1600 plus over 2 miles walked, so hardly a blowout, just maintenance.
However, I saw that 162.4 on the scale this morning and was re-inspired by the recognition that I could be in the 150's in about a week if I really focused. Now. The upcoming weekend away with Proggy makes that all but impractical, and I am not going to set myself up to fail. But. The good feeling that I got yesterday by being able to fit into workout clothes again for my walk with SB was so satisfying. Capri running tights and my grey-black-turquoise 5K hoodie zipped up without pulling tight over my belly. It is a real boost. Today I put on one of my more generous shuffle technical tees and that also fit over the belly, just a little snug.
It is just remarkable rediscovering these sensations which were missing. The feeling of putting on clothes and having them fit, Not bulging out of jeans and t shirt feeling like a stuffed sausage. I still look overweight, don't get me wrong. But I also no longer look and feel like someone who has checked out from caring about themselves.
I have also noticed that my fingernails are starting to be a bit thicker and less brittle. If this keeps up I will go get myself a manicure soon. Maybe I will just go before the weekend anyway!
The first new/used dress from EBay arrived a few days ago, It looks shapely and it hugs the curves rather than the a-line it was described as, but I could pull it off. Unfortunately it has a strong smell like it was immersed in dry cleaning chemicals or starch or something, and a run through the washer has not worked. So it is airing out on a hanger and I may try washing it again, but it may just have to be a loss. I have another one arriving today in the same label and size; at least I know it should fit.
Another 10 pounds and I will be shopping in my own closet!
The trend definitely flattened in the past week due to the excesses this weekend (read: fantastic German sausages). lol. No regrets but time to get back to business. Last night was another evening spree. I get the idea of fasting / feeding windows but if the feeding has no boundaries then it is hardly going to be successful. Still...I think the total IN yesterday was likely to have been around 1600 plus over 2 miles walked, so hardly a blowout, just maintenance.
However, I saw that 162.4 on the scale this morning and was re-inspired by the recognition that I could be in the 150's in about a week if I really focused. Now. The upcoming weekend away with Proggy makes that all but impractical, and I am not going to set myself up to fail. But. The good feeling that I got yesterday by being able to fit into workout clothes again for my walk with SB was so satisfying. Capri running tights and my grey-black-turquoise 5K hoodie zipped up without pulling tight over my belly. It is a real boost. Today I put on one of my more generous shuffle technical tees and that also fit over the belly, just a little snug.
It is just remarkable rediscovering these sensations which were missing. The feeling of putting on clothes and having them fit, Not bulging out of jeans and t shirt feeling like a stuffed sausage. I still look overweight, don't get me wrong. But I also no longer look and feel like someone who has checked out from caring about themselves.
I have also noticed that my fingernails are starting to be a bit thicker and less brittle. If this keeps up I will go get myself a manicure soon. Maybe I will just go before the weekend anyway!
The first new/used dress from EBay arrived a few days ago, It looks shapely and it hugs the curves rather than the a-line it was described as, but I could pull it off. Unfortunately it has a strong smell like it was immersed in dry cleaning chemicals or starch or something, and a run through the washer has not worked. So it is airing out on a hanger and I may try washing it again, but it may just have to be a loss. I have another one arriving today in the same label and size; at least I know it should fit.
Another 10 pounds and I will be shopping in my own closet!
Still working on that one but it's a lot easier than 10 years ago...
Some days I think it was a mistake to come out of those trees back in the day...
That's so exciting! I'm also pushing against a milestone weight but let things slip for the past two so I'll probably need abother two weeks to break the barrier.
Another 10 pounds and I will be shopping in my own closet!
Best feeling EVER.
Fiera
Well-known member
Yay I finally set out and completed a 3M walk-jog without KDog. Entertaining that after all these years I still managed to find a never-before taken path about a mile to the northeast. Cuts along a river bank. Never explored before because I would not have considered it safe. But in the brilliant weather today I had another jogger nearby as well as a few cyclists and at a few points traffic. So I checked it out.
I can jog a one minute on, one minute off at an easy pace, but my knees decided they didn't like it after about 7 or 8 cycles. I can try it with shorts instead of capri leggings and see if removing the support/compression changes things. Most certainly going back to PT will help. I may look for someone new however. And then there is that masssge I was going to treat myself to..,maybe I will book that for next week AFTER I get a handle on my bank account.
And here it is, 12:15, and I have't yet eaten and am not feeling hungry. I am sure once the food gets in front of me I will want to eat. Thinking scrambled eggs and smoked salmon.
I can jog a one minute on, one minute off at an easy pace, but my knees decided they didn't like it after about 7 or 8 cycles. I can try it with shorts instead of capri leggings and see if removing the support/compression changes things. Most certainly going back to PT will help. I may look for someone new however. And then there is that masssge I was going to treat myself to..,maybe I will book that for next week AFTER I get a handle on my bank account.
And here it is, 12:15, and I have't yet eaten and am not feeling hungry. I am sure once the food gets in front of me I will want to eat. Thinking scrambled eggs and smoked salmon.
Cate
Long term member
Try soaking it in bicarb soda & vinegar for a day or so & wash again. If things are especially smelly I first soak in milk made from powder & warm water, then the bicarb soda/vinegar soak & then wash.
Oh, well done!Another 10 pounds and I will be shopping in my own closet!
Fiera
Well-known member
Oh! Another experiement with fasting/feeding window which ended badly.
I think I first ate shortly after Noon. I ate quite a bit, like 500 cals.
I didn't get hungry or eat again until dinner time which was good. Another good feed and I was in the home stretch....but I didn't stick it. I was sleepy and ready for bed by 8. I had done the entire routine and had a short convo with Proggy with my night guard. Around 8:45 the idea of cheddar cheese floated into my brain and the binge monster took over from there. Polished off the frittatta (2pcs) with a slice of cheddar cheese and then ate plenty of peanut butter straight from the jar. I don't think I was calorie deprived as I had 5 very filling chicken spring rolls as the last part of the dinner meal. Big portion. What screwed me up I think was the sweet/sour dipping sauce which no doubt had a lot of sugar in it, and with 5 spring rolls I must easily have had 3-4 tablespoons of sauce. Live and learn. There is no way to just smoothly roll along once you are on the carb coaster.
I also drank a lot of water so likely those spring rolls were also packed with sodium.
I guess sweet and sour sauce does not belong on my shopping list, That was the end of the jar. I can use NSA apple sauce next time if I need to.
Today will be busy. I have my financial advisor coming to my house for the first time at 10. I have my Dexa scan at 2. I have to get to store and buy and cook more lean ground turkey for KDog. I have to pack for myself for a weekend away and KDog for the sitter. I leave at 6P to drop KDog at the sitter. Hopefully Proggy and I will have a lot of fun and unwind.
I think I first ate shortly after Noon. I ate quite a bit, like 500 cals.
I didn't get hungry or eat again until dinner time which was good. Another good feed and I was in the home stretch....but I didn't stick it. I was sleepy and ready for bed by 8. I had done the entire routine and had a short convo with Proggy with my night guard. Around 8:45 the idea of cheddar cheese floated into my brain and the binge monster took over from there. Polished off the frittatta (2pcs) with a slice of cheddar cheese and then ate plenty of peanut butter straight from the jar. I don't think I was calorie deprived as I had 5 very filling chicken spring rolls as the last part of the dinner meal. Big portion. What screwed me up I think was the sweet/sour dipping sauce which no doubt had a lot of sugar in it, and with 5 spring rolls I must easily have had 3-4 tablespoons of sauce. Live and learn. There is no way to just smoothly roll along once you are on the carb coaster.
I also drank a lot of water so likely those spring rolls were also packed with sodium.
I guess sweet and sour sauce does not belong on my shopping list, That was the end of the jar. I can use NSA apple sauce next time if I need to.
Today will be busy. I have my financial advisor coming to my house for the first time at 10. I have my Dexa scan at 2. I have to get to store and buy and cook more lean ground turkey for KDog. I have to pack for myself for a weekend away and KDog for the sitter. I leave at 6P to drop KDog at the sitter. Hopefully Proggy and I will have a lot of fun and unwind.
Fiera
Well-known member
Fiera
Well-known member
Financial advisor review. I decided to let him go forward with some non traditional investments for a bit more diversification. I get a tad annoyed with their simulation software planning for me to live until age 95. If I live that long then somehow I haven't done something right.
As it stands I could be burning through money faster than I am right now and things would still look ok. We have money in budget for more travel than I am getting close to doing. So that is a plus, Also, I am going to move my cash to a preferred money market account which will pay more than 3%. I had not been so concerned about it sitting in savings when there wasn't any interest to be had. There is a tad more concern about liquid cash, which is difficult to plan for until my housing decision is made and also the timing and amount of any money I would inherit. Same stuff different year.
I am already getting a bit tired today. I have my bone density scan at 2. I am pretty set as far as laundry and I have KDog's turkey cooked up and ready to go. I should be able to pack after I get back from scan. For now going to lay down and rest for a while.
As it stands I could be burning through money faster than I am right now and things would still look ok. We have money in budget for more travel than I am getting close to doing. So that is a plus, Also, I am going to move my cash to a preferred money market account which will pay more than 3%. I had not been so concerned about it sitting in savings when there wasn't any interest to be had. There is a tad more concern about liquid cash, which is difficult to plan for until my housing decision is made and also the timing and amount of any money I would inherit. Same stuff different year.
I am already getting a bit tired today. I have my bone density scan at 2. I am pretty set as far as laundry and I have KDog's turkey cooked up and ready to go. I should be able to pack after I get back from scan. For now going to lay down and rest for a while.
Fiera
Well-known member
Vacation!
Dropped KDog at the sitters then arrived at Proggy's about an hour and a half ago. Decompressing. Looked up our rental details and now just settling in for the night, Will hang here tomorrow while he is at work and go for a trot walk in the neighborhood or forest preserve. So nice to get away for a few days. Esp without KDog, it just gives us latitude to do what we want when we want.
Dropped KDog at the sitters then arrived at Proggy's about an hour and a half ago. Decompressing. Looked up our rental details and now just settling in for the night, Will hang here tomorrow while he is at work and go for a trot walk in the neighborhood or forest preserve. So nice to get away for a few days. Esp without KDog, it just gives us latitude to do what we want when we want.
Fiera
Well-known member
Monday.
It was a nice break away. We went to some wineries, some nature areas, had some good meals, played guitar, looked at the stars. It was very windy so we didn't sit outside or use the firepit. Now that Proggy has a better paying job he is loosening up about spending money to have a nice time once in a while. I find that it takes a strain off me when I have someone willing to split expenses. Maybe the timing of this is to contrast what it is like trying to navigate expenses with AN. It's just more complicated than it needs to be.
AN and I had agreed to talk today. I however texted him last night to make sure we were still on, and didn't hear back until this morning saying he is going back out for election related activities and won't be back until Thursday, My Thurs is busy and so we are not talking until Friday afternoon. Maybe its just timing. Maybe the Universe is giving me more time to think.
In looking for a lamp to replace Proggys that I broke, I found one for my spare room or maybe my bedroom. I will decide once I have it. It is resale and I am driving about 20 miles to pick it up, but will take KDog for a walk and trying to see if PAG will be around.
Dog rescue pres called me Sat to talk further about potential logistics for the 22nd. It is so close to Thanksgiving that we are running into some snags. I need to start getting my stuff out of my basement - price it to move.
It was a nice break away. We went to some wineries, some nature areas, had some good meals, played guitar, looked at the stars. It was very windy so we didn't sit outside or use the firepit. Now that Proggy has a better paying job he is loosening up about spending money to have a nice time once in a while. I find that it takes a strain off me when I have someone willing to split expenses. Maybe the timing of this is to contrast what it is like trying to navigate expenses with AN. It's just more complicated than it needs to be.
AN and I had agreed to talk today. I however texted him last night to make sure we were still on, and didn't hear back until this morning saying he is going back out for election related activities and won't be back until Thursday, My Thurs is busy and so we are not talking until Friday afternoon. Maybe its just timing. Maybe the Universe is giving me more time to think.
In looking for a lamp to replace Proggys that I broke, I found one for my spare room or maybe my bedroom. I will decide once I have it. It is resale and I am driving about 20 miles to pick it up, but will take KDog for a walk and trying to see if PAG will be around.
Dog rescue pres called me Sat to talk further about potential logistics for the 22nd. It is so close to Thanksgiving that we are running into some snags. I need to start getting my stuff out of my basement - price it to move.
Fiera
Well-known member
Weds AM. Elections were last night. Both the campaign AN was collaborating with and another from the same circle were successful. So good news. He probably had a blast. I haven't really had contact from him other than scheduling/rescheduling a time to talk Friday. It's not a bad thing. Also have had less contact with my dad and S. There is such peace in the margins. I am getting more done for myself. I get a lot of joy and momentum in cleaning my basement for example. Yesterday I took down and washed some old curtains which had not been touched in 25 years. Washed the window behind and took town the torn roller shade which needs to be replaced. Swept up decaying masonry and put the missing boards back into the storage room wall. Listed a couple of things for sale. Washed some donated towels I picked up from the neighbor. While I hope that the time and effort will result in more than a one-time visit by the dog rescue, in any event it is helping me make progress in dealing with stuff which needs to be gone...and cleanup/repairs which should help me when I sell the house.
It is with joy, relief, and wonderment that I recognize how much easier it has become for me to tackle these tasks. My fear and anxiety has receded and my stamina and mood have gotten so much better. Yes, I have not yet tackled the really big projects like the roof and windows and figuring out why the basement still leaks. But I feel like I am trending to be able to handle it.
Proggy's steady consistency has been a part of this recovery. I think when he was depressed and struggling with job prospects and financially, things were hard on me. I had been propping him up and S and AN and my dad all all the same time. Four of the most important people in my life. I guess I am having to redefine my values now. I can support people, but it cannot be in an unlimited capacity, nor can I take on their problems as my own. It is so much easier to be around people like EF or Saylor or SB who simply don't require that level of attention and support. I guess the trade off there is simply intimacy. I do value people who are willing and able to share deeply, who force me to look at my own self and are interested in truly knowing and seeing me. I think Proggy does that a bit. I think that AN has in the past. I am not sure how much I feel that S does that. I am so guarded by nature that it seems to take someone who is willing to spend the time and effort to draw me out.
Well, it evolves. People evolve, time passes, seasons change. I am truly grateful to be in a better place.
This morning I cracked open a brand new issue of a buddhist magazine I subscribe to. For the first time in many months, I felt a connection to the principles. It describes the 3 poisons at the center of the bhavacakra: ignorance, aversion, and attachment. Attachment and grasping are what I have felt with AN and it is so peaceful to release him and just accept what may be. THAT is the disturbance I have felt which causes anxiety where he is concerned. Equally, the aversion I feel to having our planned talk Friday because of the strong emotions and anxiety I anticipate will arise. I have to release it, all of it, and just be present in the moment. The rest will work itself out.
It is with joy, relief, and wonderment that I recognize how much easier it has become for me to tackle these tasks. My fear and anxiety has receded and my stamina and mood have gotten so much better. Yes, I have not yet tackled the really big projects like the roof and windows and figuring out why the basement still leaks. But I feel like I am trending to be able to handle it.
Proggy's steady consistency has been a part of this recovery. I think when he was depressed and struggling with job prospects and financially, things were hard on me. I had been propping him up and S and AN and my dad all all the same time. Four of the most important people in my life. I guess I am having to redefine my values now. I can support people, but it cannot be in an unlimited capacity, nor can I take on their problems as my own. It is so much easier to be around people like EF or Saylor or SB who simply don't require that level of attention and support. I guess the trade off there is simply intimacy. I do value people who are willing and able to share deeply, who force me to look at my own self and are interested in truly knowing and seeing me. I think Proggy does that a bit. I think that AN has in the past. I am not sure how much I feel that S does that. I am so guarded by nature that it seems to take someone who is willing to spend the time and effort to draw me out.
Well, it evolves. People evolve, time passes, seasons change. I am truly grateful to be in a better place.
This morning I cracked open a brand new issue of a buddhist magazine I subscribe to. For the first time in many months, I felt a connection to the principles. It describes the 3 poisons at the center of the bhavacakra: ignorance, aversion, and attachment. Attachment and grasping are what I have felt with AN and it is so peaceful to release him and just accept what may be. THAT is the disturbance I have felt which causes anxiety where he is concerned. Equally, the aversion I feel to having our planned talk Friday because of the strong emotions and anxiety I anticipate will arise. I have to release it, all of it, and just be present in the moment. The rest will work itself out.
