Fiera's Diary

🙂 For LaMa. Thank you.

I have been productive today.. In little spurts. I drove to the hardware for 3 new roller shades for the basement and those pvc body suits you cover yourself with for when I get to repairing a few spots of asbestos pipe wrap. Can also use for efflorescence from the bricks, dust and mold. But so far just doing little bits at a time. Was stoked that the roller shades fit into the existing brackets with just a little bending/coaxing. One down two more to go. They are covered in spiderwebs, dust, and mildew so just taking it easy and making sure I don't breathe that stuff in. It would be a real shame to get sick when I am on the cusp of something which will bring me so much joy. But in the end, reclaimng my basement is also bringing me joy. Selling stuff is actually slowing me down so I may rethink that and give some things away for free.

An example of this is I stopped by the skating rink to fill out a card for the bulletin board. This after the skates generated no responses online yesterday. I can't have this stuff sitting around for too long now that I have staged it in my living room. One way or another, it must go.

I stopped by the pricey market and got an organic hotbox chicken and romaine salad for lunch. Then nabbed some more donated towels which I am now washing. Cleaning lady comes tomorrow morning so I have to put some things back in order before she gets here. At least the laundry is nearly caught up and I just need to put some clean stuff away and pick up the den before tomorrow morning,

Kdog rode with me on errands earlier but she is making a case to go for a walk. It is such a nice day I really need to take her. But after I finish resting for a bit.

S called me this morning. It was a bit better than our call yesterday, in which her bitterness and self pity were evident. She was still pretty abrasive today but more conversant. I noticed she shifted into giving unsolicited advice on how to handle a conversation with my dad about a political film he asked me to watch; she couched it as wondering how she could have handled a similar conversation with her now ex. You know...how do you get someone who is shut down to facts on board with having an open dialogue before you actually begin. But she would not let it go and hammered on it for over 5 minutes demanding that I tell her what I planned to say. I don't know what particular agenda she was driving at but it was not at all something I wanted to discuss. I used my arrival at the hardware store to finally end the topic and the call. It really sucks when you start to question spending time on/with a long time friend. Growth is painful, a friend told me years ago.

Really feel like napping. Fell asleep early last night, woke up early today. Time change plus no carbs today so far.
 
You are being so productive, Fiera & I love your insights & self-awareness. I have been feeling under stress lately & not up to offering much support. I find giving stuff away much less stressful than selling & much more rewarding. Your basement must really be coming along :)
 
Hey Cate, I am sorry to hear that you are burdened by stress lately. I hope that things let up soon. It is remarkable how much it can impact one's overall health. I laughed at your current profile quote...I have only just now starting reading a bit again. I hope you can do the same soon.
 
Thursday. D--- Dash. Cleaning lady. House wasn't too bad, but I had to sort out the laundry area and need to hop in the shower in 15.

Today I have another visit with the ophthalmologist, which should be the last for a while. Then a fundraiser with the dog rescue people. My basement is coming along, I have a good-sized stack of freshly laundered towels, and tossed ones that were not quite suitable. I have two more pending offers which I will direct to a local shelter.

I am so relieved that while my cognitive functions are hardly what they once were, they are definitely out of the turnip category. I can make some sense now out of the Buddhist magazine and also the book I am reading The Naked Mind. I hope that my abilities continue to bounce back. I might currently be at snail. If I didn't have this journal to write down and clarify thoughts I would simply be passing time on this planet, waiting to die. If feel it is important to keep learning, exploring, and creating in this life. That is one reason I am inspired by the transformation of my basement. I am shaping the house to my needs, not the other way around.

KDog is pretty mopey this morning, probably because I ran errands with her yesterday and didn't actually walk her. It is going to be quite nice here today so a long walk is also on the agenda,

I had better get in the shower if I want to avoid an awkward scenario with the cleaning lady.

TTFN
 
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Quick stop in.

I got in a pork tenderloin on the grill just before leaving for the opthamologist, and it is perfection.

The opthamologist says I have one spot remaining in my right eye, so keeping up the steroid every other day for another 2 months. And she thinks immune/rheum is a good course of action, esp given dry eyes. I just checked and that appt is set for Tuesday. I will need to get some records/history organized before then.

So warm here today that the windows are open. I have to get ready to go to the dog rescue event, but I can afford to rest for maybe 45 mins. Not sure why I feel tired today, maybe allergens, maybe sleep. I was tired early last night and feel asleep by 9-9:30, woke up around 1:30 for a while then managed to sleep until 6:30. I feel like I need to pay attention to warning signs I might be pushing a little too hard.
 
Fiera said:
If I didn't have this journal to write down and clarify thoughts I would simply be passing time on this planet, waiting to die. If feel it is important to keep learning, exploring, and creating in this life. That is one reason I am inspired by the transformation of my basement. I am shaping the house to my needs, not the other way around.
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I think journalling is great therapy. It really helps me to put my feelings down & analyse them.
Fiera said:
I feel like I need to pay attention to warning signs I might be pushing a little too hard.
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So important! Finding that balance is so tricky. I go the other way & turn into a hermit & then have to push myself out there again.
 
Hold up: dry eyea can be a sign of immune disease?!
Being alert for signs of overdoing it sounds eminently sensible, especially when you're just getting out of a bad funk.
 
Holy moly. The past few nights I have been passing out early at night. Not coincidentally I am having more allergy type symptoms during the day. I have been eating excessively and not clean. The not clean part seems to accelerate during the later day/evening. Lets see if I can remember...

B: 2*chicken sausage (1/2), lo carb tortilla, spinach wraps
L: Sweet pot, salad, cauliflower crust pizza w added mush + grape tom
S: An ENTIRE chili chocolate bar
D: 2* hot dogs w tort, 2*brie, almonds, cranberries (after event)
I knew better than to get that chocolate bar at the store, but I guess I had to remind myself,

Last night was fun. 4 girls to go see an author at a venue quite easy for me to get to, We had front row seats thanks to Saylor. The author was brilliant, funny. witty, I was not expecting her to be so darn entertaining. Very down to earth and heartfelt. I was home shortly after 9 too, which was great. Thanks Universe for making this evening so easy!

I am not sure why I have felt more drained/allergies the last several days. Either I was pushing too hard, getting exposed to indoor/outdoor allergens (cleaning or fall woods walks), or my best explanation = eating like crap. I also have missed 2 or 3 evening doses of meds I think in the last week. In any event, my job may not longer be to pinpoint the "why" but simply focus my energy on doing the right things again which have the best chance of getting my energy back again.

Which of course means that I have to be sparing with my energy as I meet with AN later. I can't afford to be out late, eat crappy, or emotionally drained. I will now sit with the idea of releasing, breathing, accepting, calm abiding.
 
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Well. I just spoke w Proggy and told him that I have plans today to help AN with a project and have a talk. He went ballastic (again). Telling me that he has serious doubts about my judgement if I get involved with AN again. Sigh. I already have my concerns and constraints about AN and yet the heart wants to follow its own path. No decisions need to be made today of course, and I doubt that they will be. But if I can't be with AN and I can't extinguish the feelings so that we can simply be friends, then that leaves me in a place where I have to live without him altogether. Maybe just for a time. The thought of either one of these men being entirely out of my life is distressing. Maybe I need to get comfortable with the idea that I will ultimately have to choose. As hard as it would be to lose AN, it is probably easier to imagine life without him vs life without Proggy at this juncture.

I told Proggy that while I share a lot of the same concerns that he has stated, in the end I have to work through this for myself. And that I don't see it as anything that has to be decided like there is an emergency. Still, he drew the line and said that if I get involved with AN or it gets physical that it is going to create issues between us. I said that I would expect friends to stand by me in event of any decision I make. He disagreed, saying it would be so stupid he would lose all respect for me "you're smarter than that." There is nothing I can say or do at this point which will improve Proggy's opinion or understanding of AN.

This sort of feels like that movie Casino where Sharon Stone's character marries the guy who puts her on a pedestal gives her everything, but in the end she is drawn back to the guy from her past who she never really stopped loving. She train wrecks everything for this guy. Now, I think AN's character is certainly nothing like the guy in the movie. But. The circumstances feel a tad similar. I actually love that Proggy lectures me and looks out for me. But he is quite judgemental sometimes and doesn't give people the leeway that I generally do.
 
Fiera said:
In any event, my job may not longer be to pinpoint the "why" but simply focus my energy on doing the right things again which have the best chance
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This. Some of my health issues just pop up without clear cause sometimes and after a long time I've found that obsessing over finding one regardless just makes it last longer.
Fiera said:
There is nothing I can say or do at this point which will improve Proggy's opinion or understanding of AN.
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If his reaction stems from worry about your well-being he'll probably come around if he sees you interact with AN in a healthy way for a good while. If not... it may be more jealousy than care.
 
Thanks LaMa. That is some good feedback.

Well. I honestly thought AN was heading toward saying that he wanted nothing further to do with me. He was really upset about how some truths I had said had a painful impact. And he obstanately refused to recognize my retraction on the topic of resentment vs the discomfort of uncertainty. He wanted to hang on to that hate and anger for how I made him feel. But when the delivery we were waiting for hadn't arrived by around 9:30, we shifted the plan for the evening and just relaxed and hung out without all the noise and hard stuff. Fiera, I love you and I hate you was one thing that he said. He adminished me to stay out of my head. And said if I can't get comfortable w/r/t his financial situation then it would be better for both of us if I would just leave and be done with him. Which is entirely reasonable. Much more was said some of which I am ashamed to repeat. On my way out he recognized he had beat me up pretty bad and thanked me for taking it.
 
Not gonna lie: from what you write AN sounds manipulative and uncaring. Probably extremely charming and great company if he wants to be, but someone to guard your heart from.
 
...

Time to sit quietly.

AN had suggested we meet for tea this morning before he goes to pick up a friend from the hospital but it's off the table now. Just as well. I want to do my meditation group (which still is meeting remotely).

It is so interesting how perceptive he was and how he called me out on things I didn't even realize I was doing. Like Proggy it is valuable when friends call you out on your shit. I want to be a better friend/person/lover in this world. I am reminded how fragile it all is and how insecure I feel about my ability to avoid repeating my mistakes.

I saw an ad this morning for a class on relationship intelligence (a knock on of emotional intelligence). It sounded good. I may be an expert at crawling around in my own head but I fall far short when it comes to other people. I recognize my tendency to desire intimacy and yet keep a safe distance in relationships.

I looked up what it means to love and hate someone at the same time. I have never been told that before. But I recognized the feeling when I read the description. Hate is too strong of a word for how I felt about my ex husband. I never hated him. But I recognize that vacillation between loving someone and feeling repelled by them. That was how it became with my ex husband when the respect died. And I have also felt repelled by AN at times.

And now I think I see what I appreciate about Proggy. Because he always is just consistently there without invoking powerful emotions (most of the time). Yet we are I think about to have a collision over AN.

And it occurs to me....or rather I am reminded...that this is why I like dogs. Because they are easy. They want to give and receive love. It isn't that complicated. They live in the present. They are quick to forgive and forget when you make mistakes or disappoint them. They don't expect me to be perfect and they love me in spite of my flaws. Because I am their person. Humans have conditional love. This is one of the early conversations with Curly Bubbly. All relationships are conditional.

I cannot be perfect for anyone, I can't even try. I am trying to live authentically. But I feel like if I continue to be me and make the same mistakes I will always lose people. The older you get the harder it is to meet people and develop that kind of intimacy to begin with.

I don't know where I am heading with this post at this point. Going to knock off and finish my tea and get reading for meditation group.

AN: "Please, I implore you, stay out of your head, For both our sakes."
 
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Llama said:
Not gonna lie: from what you write AN sounds manipulative and uncaring. Probably extremely charming and great company if he wants to be, but someone to guard your heart from.
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Thank you. This is why I need to spend more time off line replaying and journaling. But more importantly I need to just stay on track with the things I need to do for myself.
 
Well. Not a maximum productivity day. Talked with Proggy for about an hour and a half. Cc for about 45 mins. Did my meditation group, which went OK. Got a bit of cleaning done in the basement; vacuumed the den, now washing dog bed and couch blanket. Worked on a song I may do with AN for the nonprofit Christmas party. Put fretboard conditioner on my guitar. I need to change the strings.

Still haven't resolve why I cannot sent a photo message nor reply to a group text in standard messenger. Waiting to see whether my data plan reset on the 18th works.

I am tired. My eyes just shut. Might be an early night. Movie. Blanket. Yeah.
 
OK so while waiting for the 7P movie I went down and cleaned and changed the laundry and hung the remaining blind. Another 25 mins or so. So much more work to do.

My anxiety is up. AN is busy with his friend who had a stroke and may end up staying the night. So not expecting to hear from him. But I want to hear from him. Its grasping I can feel it. Going to take a 1/2 xanax and a bite to eat then the movie will be on.
 
AN got home and called at 6:30. It was nice not talking about the noise. His friend is doing well with her recovery and has some work for him. He was chuffed that I agreed to accompany him at a talent night thing, so exploratory session Tues afternoon. At his place which is where we have all the equipment set up. This of course means I will have to take a guitar with to FL to practice, and likely come back a day earlier.

The Xanax or just being tired conked me out early. Had a sleep donut hole around 4 and then ended up waking up around 8:20. I am feeling unprepared for meds doc today and rheum tomorrow, but I can't put energy into being anxious. I can be underprepared or overprepared. Trying to be chill about it rather than hypervigilant.

Off to a slow start. I have been putting weight back on. Overall content is better but I am still accelerating into the evening, eating nuts, cranberries, brie bites and peanut butter. I thought I was maintaining but the scale has been saying otherwise. I remind myself that I have a closet full of things I would like to get back to wearing. Plus, I just want that glow of looking and feeling better. It doesn't come without making some priority out of it, like anything else.

Funny segue to part of my convos with Proggy and AN yesterday. About how you have to prioritize and pick what you want to become proficient at and really work at it, and you will likely succeed. In my case I feel like I have always had lots of interests, but sort of done them surfacey (at least since music fell off). And I guess I do that with people to some extent. You can't yearn for intimacy yet just expect it to come. One reason I agreed to do the talent show thing is that I am terrified to play guitar and sing in front of people. This is a learned fear which I certainly didn't have when I was younger. One of my group class recitals showed me that if I practiced the tricky bit until I mastered it, then I didn't need to be afraid. I felt a surge of success. Proggy tells me that I am better than I think I am. He also says that everyone gets stage fright.

It takes just as much energy to experience aversion as it does to experience anticipation, So am going to try to flip my fears on their head. The audience will be via zoom and so we won't experience the feedback loop. But it should be about 50 extremely tolerant and nice people.
 
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