Fiera's Diary

Thanks LaMa! And 24 hours later I am still quite happy with my piercings, so it gives me a bit of joy and self-satisfaction when I look in the mirror. It's nice to feel like I honored my own wishes.

Happy to say that Cleaning Lady has just departed. She was not respecting the fact that I was concentrating and kept interrupting me today to share tales of woe. I used the time that she was here to whittle down my various to-do lists. I am not all the way sorted out but I made a lot of progress. I also moved some things into the car/garage in anticipation of better weather, like a few stray camping items and a tote that I bought to store them in. Also, got a few things out to get them one step closer to going to household recycling, things like batteries and motor oil and lightbulbs.

The new socks I bought are pilling after 1 wear. I called the manufacturer back and she said that yes, they are hearing that on the MC version and that they think it has something to do with the dyes. I can apply for a lifetime satisfaction refund on their website and order something else. Whatever. Honestly. I have a pair of their wool socks coming today for a trial. If I don't like those then I am altogether finished with this brand and will have to start over.

It is very windy out today which makes me not want to go for a walk. KDog however is pleading her case, since yesterday was rainy and all we did was go for a drive. I guess I will check the forecast and see if the winds are letting up later. If not, I can try taking her to a forest preserve where perhaps the trees will shelter us a bit. One of the things I love about where I live is that I can quite easily get to forest preserves. This is useful on hot days, or breezy days, or days when I just feel like being among trees, birds, squirrels and deer.

I have recently become aware of meetup groups for hiking and kayaking in the area. Though I prefer women's groups, I will do either. I figure that I will eventualy make some new friends that way.

Speaking of friends, hopefully tomorrow Curly Bubbly and I will get back to the topic of BG. At least twice a week I think of her and feel resentful and ready to close the door I have left open. One reason I haven't is that her phone # is a backup on some of my accounts and I need to figure out which ones and a plan for what to use as an alternate. I don't really trust too many people to not fall prey to phishing scams.

I woke up last night at 2AM and went back to sleep between 4:30 and 5. In between, I did the W/Q and texted with S who had just arrived in T and was checking in to her hotel.

I have a few more days to finish checking some tax figures and also research some private equity investments my advisor put on the table. He wants to talk Monday. Also we are going to discuss my umbrella liability coverage as his position and my insurance agent's position don't agree on how much coverage I need. At least I found out today that it is not going to be too expensive if I need to double the coverage.

I guess that's all I have for now.
 
What a productive day! I hope you do make it out to the forest: greenery is good for the soul.
 
Well I didn't - but then wind gusts were so bad as to create flying debris so I really wasn't up for taking that risk. My poor dog needs a long walk today though. Conditions should be just regular-windy instead of flip-tractor-trailers-over-windy. I drove down the block to get a burrito (and flan, gah) for dinner last night. Not even trying to eat healthy.

This morning I am feeling a bit resentful about a social post from longtime frien J (J&M). She and her husband were in my inner circle at our h.s. employer for 4 years. They were the kind of friends that you always felt like instant family with even if a year or two had gone by. They said that they viewed me as family and I felt the same. They have a huge circle of actual family and former neighbors so I never took it personally when they came home to visit the hometown area for quick visits without contacting me. Why then I chose to feel hurt this morning when I saw a post that they are at a sporting arena in the relative vicinity of my house I am not sure. I looked back at our last exchange about a month ago and it indicated they were hoping to be out this way some time this summer and they would be sure to let me know. This is another reality check, I suppose. Curly Bubbly has told me that relationships are rarely 50/50 and that as long as the parties involved are on the same page then it doesn't matter. But I think this the first time I have felt hurt. Why? I feel tired of making excuses for people. It feels like I am not being truthful with myself. And while I always have great warmth when we do connect, I have always to been the one who has to make the effort (I flew out to see them twice since they moved across country, and once used air miles to fly J in for a reunion.) I don't have any conclusion here, I just want to note how I am feeling. I do love and value them. But I am lost in a crowd of priorities when they come home.

Alternately, my club friends who moved to NYC are coming in to town and reached out in advance with dates initially and then again last night with a rally spot. There are no illusions here that these are extended family types, but just some people I hung with for a time who like to have a good time and socialize. I don't have any need/expectations from them but it feels good to be thought of at least.

As we get older, family becomes a connecting thread for a lot of people. There are kids, and then kids grow up and get their own lives, and then there are grandkids. Your friends who have kids and/or large close-knit families are going to have lives revolving around family. Friends like my NYC friends do not have children and small families and so seeing old friends gets more bandwidth. And I look at how my life has changed - from someone who had my own family and and L's family as well, to someone whose family all died or moved away. My existence primarily revolves around single and childless friends, my dad, and couple of married friends who remain accessible. But even those will eventually have grandkids and the dynamics will change.

This is why "adoptive family" - people like IK (who recently passed) - are so important. They help us feel warm and welcome and secure. They will move mountains if we need help. They know how to exist comfortably in attachment and they have made a conscious decision to be attached. So yeah, maybe that is what I am feeling with respect to J & M, there is a bit of a sense of loss in realizing that while we are together and I am in front of them we feel the old bond, but they really don't need it or desire it the way that I do, because they have so many others.

So here's to all the single people, the orphans and the loners. I never knew what it was like until it happened to me. To feel like I am in a bit of a no man's land - I belong to no one and no one belongs to me. I am a odd bird in that I desire secure attachment, but I also get quickly drained by people and obligations to them.

I guess this will make a good topic for Curly Bubbly this morning.

I am inspired to connect with EF this morning. I can plan a hometown visit to her soon, depending on the schedule with Proggy's brother.
 
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Fiera said:
I am a odd bird in that I desire secure attachment, but I also get quickly drained by people and obligations to them.
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Sounds like a good old introvert. It's harder to find the right people but when you do it's extra worth it.
 
[Sunday April 17]

I did spend Friday's session w CB on the topic of family and friends, finally getting to the topic of BG. In the end I am not entirely sure of all the factor(s) which led up to her leaving though I have some pretty good ideas. Ultimately CB asked my to do some journaling on the topics of (a) how did/does it make me feel that she walked away and (b) what do I think my actions or errors were which contributed to her leaving. Its really a way to get me to thinking about what I can learn from this and how I feel about possibly attempting to have a discussion ahead versus closing the door and moving on. But I told her I didn't know when I might be ready to sit down and genuinely do that, as there is already so much pressing and it feels like it will be a huge emotional upheaval. I am sure I need to do it to get some closure. But Friday Proggys brother passed and S went back into relationship meltdown. I had to do work on taxes and review some prospectuses from the financial guy this weekend. Next week is back to work on house stuff with the GC coming by, and the funeral and needing to get a dress because none of mine fit, and getting hair done as well. Monday night there is a h.s. meetup in the evening as Funny Guy is in town, but that is an hour drive each way.

Yesterday I did move the taxes along and the Proggy came up and I did my best to support and distract him. We ended up going to a taproom which allows dogs and is located on a river, so we got pizza slices and hung out there with KDog for a spell. After we left, I spotted the Pink Moon rising so we drove to a popular birding spot where we had some nice views of the lake and downtown. He put on some songs which he needed to hear. He talked some but mostly didn't. I just tried to give hi some normalcy but then check in from time to time. We drove around quite a bit last night and this afternoon to get out of the house and get some air. I think he feels like he doesn't want to unleash his burden but I just told him that he didn't have to pretend to be Ok, which he appreciated. He is such a sensitive person. Trying to shove things down instead of leaning on others in our time of need is not healthy and it can leave things unresolved. But everyone has their own time and their own process. This is a truly earth-shattering blow for him.

Anyway, now that I have my alone time, I get to turn my attention to my own needs again for a spell. I feel tired mostly. The sky is starting to get a dark purple-grey hue to the east and we may get rain or snow. I am having a tarte after snacking on olive tapenade (on blue tortilla chips) and goat cheese/dried cranberries on multi-grain crisps. I would benefit from falling in love with green stuff again the way I fell in love yogurt again. I am pleased that I made veggie-goat-cheese omelets this weekend for breakfast, doing some real cooking is always a good sign. Eating take out or nuked food because it is fast and low effort usually leads to higher calorie / lower veg meals.
 
Short post because it has been a full day and I am spent.

5A wake-up, slept in my bed for first time in a few monthsl So comfy for me, but not so comfy for KDog sadly,

We got a small coating of snow over night and more flurries this afternoon.

This morning I mostly listened to S talking about relationship while researching some private equity prospectuses in preparation for a call w advisor. Still need to understand better. Then call w insurance lady about umbrella policy. Headed out for much needed cut and color and nice catch up chat w my long term stylist. She is sweet. Hair looks good. Picked up Cuban sandwich then finally heard from my tax guy around 5...it took me a couple of hours to review and then I was spent. Too tired to do anything except a short call w Proggy. Eyes shutting. Skipped the h.s. meetup, no time. Tomorrow should be less busy.
 
Fiera said:
Trying to shove things down instead of leaning on others in our time of need is not healthy and it can leave things unresolved.
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So true, and it goes for yourself just as much as for others.
Fiera said:
I am pleased that I made veggie-goat-cheese omelets this weekend for breakfast, doing some real cooking is always a good sign. Eating take out or nuked food because it is fast and low effort usually leads to higher calorie / lower veg meals.
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Yup. More fat, more salt, less fiber and volume... Homemade is best but when the energy isn't there you do whatever works.
 
I am quite sick today. Started having cough and chest congestion last night. Bit of nausea and light headed also. Trouble falling asleep. Saturday I was having muscle cramps all over, which I thought was dehydration or electrolyte imbalance, but probably was a first sign of a virus. Also issues with my left ear canal since Saturday. Took 2 Emergen-C packets and had some te with honey instead of coffee. Negative COVID rapid test but postponed podiatrist appt.

Poor KDog needs a good walk after several days in the house. I didn't sleep well last night so my hope is that I will get a nap and then feel more up to walking her this afternoon. I texted the dog walker but she is totally booked.

I just realized that I forgot to give KDog breakfast. I partially prepped it and the bowl was still sitting on the counter. Hopefully she will settle down and take a nap after she eats.

Boy, I feel like crap, I feel like a guy in those man-cold videos who is completely under the weather and a big baby about it. Surprised it is hitting me so hard, but then again, I haven't been living the healthiest lifestyle lately. Well, at least I don't have any obligations or deadlines today. How nice is that.
 
Thank you LaMa, Floater, and Cate. Am on the mend this morning at last. Some kind of flu.

Such a great reminder this morning in a blurb from FS about mindset. It compares two similarly situated people and how their progress over days, months and years will diverge based largely on mindset. Some people feel like the world owes them something and are sitting back waiting for it to happen. Others will go out and *make* something happen. This distinction applied repeatedly over long periods of time produces dramatic differences in outcomes.

This is the same blog which recently reminded me of the importance of discipline versus natural talent. Those with discipline who will take pains to practice every day will become far more accomplished than those who simply rely on their natural talent. Take a writer for example. It is the writer who writes daily, who has the discipline to sit down and produce as part of a daily routine, who will develop into a full-fledged writer. It doesn't simply haopen by wishing for it. It take discipline.

Something I remind myself I grew up *not* doing. I had a lot of natural talent and was quite intelligent but didn't practice anything. Being smart only gets you so far in life. I think this is one of the great things that I learned from running. First, I learned to be OK with being a learner, being a back of the packer, to just do it for me. Second, I had a very specific training schedule which we knew if I followed it faithfully I would make it to the finish line.

Most goals in life do not have such a clear cut path on how to get to the finish line. But for me, I think I struggle with what does the finish line even look like? I have often felt some kind of vague despair around my inability to choose a life course for myself, to have a clear vision for what I want to accomplish. Now I have recently learned that may, at least in part, be a function of apahantasia (poor to missing "mind's eye").

Would I rather be able to form goals with clarity and see concrete steps to more towards them? Or would I rather embrace aphantashia in all of its defects, seeing it as a path to inner peace and acceptance? It's useful to noodle on for a spell. I am getting older but still have enough time left to do meaningful things, should I choose to put my mind to it.

********************************

Separately, having the flu of course means not eating much the past couple of days. Not surprisingly, my body seems to be happy; my muscles are more relaxed and body less swollen; my mind seems a bit sharper.

Signing off from Kleenex Central,

F.
 
Good morning,

Am back from a trip out to the dog groomers, as I was able to get an appt for KDog. It was worth the money as I am lacking in strength and energy to do it - and she really needed it. I did my weekly with Curly Bubbly from my car. It was a wide ranging discussion. I talked about how my guard instantly goes up around charming people, and how I was so ill fitted for the environment at work which placed so much value on how you presented yourself and managed up and more than the actual quality of your work and integrity and truth. How I never would have guessed that 2 years after leaving I would still be detoxing (but at least I feel that I am getting there). I talked about my cognitive struggles, my vaporous mind, my inability focus or retain things. She is suggesting that I go for neurological testing just to get a baseline, but that she really thinks my issues are more trauma and anxiety related, along with being pre-menopausal. But I don't know, I have been struggling for years.

But it seems to be worse now, I cited how I used to meticulously proof emails and writings and almost never had typos, while now I miss things routinely. It is like I can't concentrate, focus on the task at hand.

She also suggested that not being accountable (i.e. not having a job) could b
e part of the issue, but I don't feel like I agree. Part of the reason I don't sign up for something is my concerns about being able to manage what is already on my plate and feeling like I cannot be reliable for others right now. Maybe there is a bit of a chicken-and-egg thing going on, but I know I don't want to start something that I can't show up,for and live up to. Maybe that's why starting small like with a 6 or 8 week commitment would be better, But I remind myself I couldn't even get to 6 weeks of pelvic floor therapy without cancelling because I couldn't force myself to do the assigned homework. Just like I don't follow what my dentist ot my doctor tell me to do either, or to eat clean. It is isn't that I don't have the time. I just - don't - seem - to - embrace or connect that doing these things will make my life better. Or maybe it's just that I don't see the value in living a life that is so full of daily "musts" that it takes all the joy and spontaneity out of living.

Thats is it. That is it. For someone who thrills at exploring a new place, of feeling the sensation of my boots on the ground and the air on my face, I have devolved into this anxiety-ridden lump of flash on the couch who is trying to brain-muscle her way through problems without healing herself, without feeding her soul. Certainly there are contributing factors to why I have landed here, But there is one way out of it, and that is to simply.start.living.

I will not let the sun set on this day without making a plan for some kind of travel.
 
Unrelated....I was relieved to try on clothes when I got home and find something I could make work for the service tomorrow. I will call it a "generous" size 12 dress skirt. Honestly I think if I had not come down with the flu and not been eating much the last few days it might not have fit. Glad that I don't need to go shopping as I am just starting to feel my energy coming back.
 
Glad you found something to wear and don't need to go shopping. I quite like shopping when I'm just browsing but when I really need something it's usually awful. Also: thanks for reminding me I should do my neck stretches... I try to see those musts as the framework that will keep my life stable so I can do the fun stuff. Even the fanciest architecture needs solid foundations.
 
Tellingly, I let the sun set without making a plan for some kind of travel. Planning to meet Proggy today for M's service doesn't count.

I was on the phone for at least a hour and a half with Proggy last evening.

My hairdresser and I were talking about people and dying, relationships. She was asking me about some exes, esp. W. And she suddenly tells me that if she were to write a one word epitaph about me, it would be that I was "nice"....that I was so nice, it was even to a fault, to my own detriment. By nice, she meant "kind" or " supportive" rather than polite or refined. But she used my support for AN, my support for Proggy now, my support for W when I flew to his city. There are other examples. Shrug. I guess I just act as my conscience dictates. If you are going to be someone's friend or intimate, then you do your best to show up for them. And of course she is a mom and a wife and has family, so her perspective on how you show up for people may be colored by that. If I had kids or a husband, or a functional sibling, or nieces or nephews then maybe those people would get my priority. Maybe I actually seek out damaged people because they allow me to fulfill this need. Maybe I seek out other people who I think are willing to offer me their best effort. I could delve into it further but nah, I want to get back to my matcha-sunrise.

At least I feel good about the burst of energy that I received starting in the afternoon and into evening. Did dishes, took out trash, several loads of laundry, just generally picking up the detritus of several days of illness. Sleep was a B-. The first 4 hours I started coughing hard a bit after laying down, but then I finally got a solid sleep cycle which felt great. Woke up an hour before alarm (5:15) so have time for matcha and slmply rising than otherwise would. Leave at 8:30. KDog has been clingy so she will not be happy about being left home, but I will be back this afternoon and Proggy plans to come over so as to not be alone.

I made a long overdue apology to a lady in local dog rescue in an email yesterday eve. It felt good to get it off my conscience.

Being sick and having a loss of appetite has has some positive effects. Reduced gut and muscle inflammation, which means being more comfortable and less swollen. Itis easier to move. Cravings are gone. Healthy foods seem more appealing. Maybe even some better clarity of thought (gut-brain biome thing). Proggy experienced the same loss of appetite/body reset.
 
Some people seek out needy friends because they only feel worthy/valuable (of love, of life, of friendship) when they're helping someone.
 
"There is a rule that has helped me put failures and victories into their proper perspectives.

The 24-hour rule states that you turn the page every day. No matter what. You can celebrate or cry but tomorrow you turn the page. Tomorrow is a new day.

We all know the person at the office that hangs on to the past. They remind of us of the project they worked on 10 years ago that was a success. Or they let a temporary defeat turn into a permanent one. They are anchored to the past and it prevents them from seeing the future.

Learn from the past but don’t hang on to it. Yesterday is irrelevant."

-FS
 
Llama said:
Some people seek out needy friends because they only feel worthy/valuable (of love, of life, of friendship) when they're helping someone.
Click to expand...
Thank you LaMa. I want to come back to this because I can't give the topic justice atm. Yes, I agree with this. To what extent this reflects my own patterns I want to consider.
 
Hard Day and good day.

Needed a me day after supporting Proggy this weekend. Still working on getting back strength and rid of intermittent congestion/cough. Looking for old test results on cognition and memory I tripped over some emotionally evocative records. One some history surrounding legal stuff at work and the impossible position I was being placed in. The other was the journal I wrote in during the trip to spread L's ashes. Both hit hard. Checked in w Meds Dr and she is suggesting ADD testing. After seeing how the test works I raised questions on whether it can misdisagnose/mixup aphantasia. When I found the old report, I was complaining about memory, inability to focus, job performance etc. I lost it when I realized it has been 10 years of this, and all that has happened (and not).

The good part of that is that I ended up not filling my day with AN or S or CC, all of whom I am due to call. I kept my time for me. I had a short call w my Dad and a short call w Proggy and that's it. Paid some bills. Had a nap. Did throw some old paper clutter out. Cooked healthy shrimp and salad dinner. Found a couple of different opthamalogist candidates and leather shop.

It was grey and cold and after driving KDog to forest preserve and feeling too weak, I just took her for 5 mins and then came back home. Tomorrow is the orthopedic doc to get inserts and Weds a new tuckpointer is coming since the other one has drifted off.
 
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