Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Oh Cate, I'm doing the best I can...
- Thanks Marsia. I'm here because I find it hard to take of myself. I'm just... I don't know. That particular phrase is triggering me!!
- Appreciate the hugs, Liza.
Exercise: Nope. Walking to and from the car park to the hospital is my daily routine at the moment.
Food:
Breakfast: orange juice; coffee and milk
Mid-morning: americano and milk; 2 choc digestive biscuits; tea and milk
Lunch: hot chicken roll with butter, cheese, coleslaw and rocket; can of club orange
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: Starbucks cool lime tall and oreo caramel brownie
Night: bottle of red wine 12%
A few topics I want to discuss tonight:
- The mother: Infection didn't show up in her blood test today and all her tests yesterday were clear. I bore witness to her making her way to the bathroom on a zimmerframe with the nurse pushing the chair behind her in case she needed a rest. It was kind of heartbreaking but by the time she came back from the bathroom, she was a lot more steady and she did really well. It will be a long road but she was in good enough spirits. I didn't stay too long tonight as I am just wiped.
- The work environment: We had a meeting today where my manager kept harping on and on about one of the single girls meeting someone at this place or that place (a regular topic in meetings, which I find really inappropriate) and because I just have no fucks left to give, I piped up that there was nothing wrong with being single and that it wasn't a disease. I was kind of proud of myself, enough though of course that probably gave everyone a start and then they were all like, 'Oh, I loved being single, blah blah'.
I'm sick of this incessant fixation on men and being in a relationship in a work setting. It's incredibly demeaning to me because I am just ignored and nearly treated as 'lesser than' because I am not with anyone. Anyway, you know what, I am happy that I said that, even if feathers were ruffled.
- The podcast: I started listening to a podcast called 'Spinsterhood Reimagined' this week. It's a woman in her 40s who is basically trying to reframe how older single women are viewed or view themselves, and that you can actually have a really nice and fulfilling life and be on your own. And there's no shame in that. It's been really helpful to me in reframing my thoughts about myself, after being so in the doldrums about that lately. It is absolutely why I made that comment at the meeting today. I'm fed up of this narrative being the only acceptable one. I mean, I could list out all of my many achievements and cool things I've done and things that I really like about myself here, which I won't do now, but, you know, on paper at least, I think I have loads going for me. But this one thing gets such priority in my bubble that it nearly erases everything I have achieved in the last 20 years. And the thing is, if my energy was going into someone else for all this time, I probably wouldn't have done most of it.
So yeah, I guess listening to women who are like me and are experiencing life in a similiar way has really brought me massive comfort and has made me think, 'Hey girl! There's nothing wrong with you! You don't have to carry this shame and embarrassment around with you and you definitely don't have to explain yourself to anyone!!!' So that's been a great feeling to have while all this stuff is going on with my mum.
Now, the podcast doesn't solve the feeling of sadness I have all the time now about Tom. But, you know, even if that magical feeling never comes back or never happens again with someone else, or I never have kids, it's okay. There is nothing wrong with me. And I don't deserve to be ignored or demeaned at work meetings or anywhere else really ever again. (I will say that I don't really think it's intentional but it's bothering me enough to the point that I felt it had to be addressed today.)
Weight: 173.2; BF 39.7%; BMI 26.4
Cigs: Yesterday was 26. It can't be that much tonight. I will address the cigs issue on another post.
My August challenge will be no drinking at home. I had a look back at the diary - 14 days drinking, 17 not for the month of July. The pendulum has not swung quite into the really bad stage that it could, but at the same time, that's not great. So anyway, I'm very determined when I want to be and I will stick to this goal come hell or high water.
- Thanks Marsia. I'm here because I find it hard to take of myself. I'm just... I don't know. That particular phrase is triggering me!!
- Appreciate the hugs, Liza.
Exercise: Nope. Walking to and from the car park to the hospital is my daily routine at the moment.
Food:
Breakfast: orange juice; coffee and milk
Mid-morning: americano and milk; 2 choc digestive biscuits; tea and milk
Lunch: hot chicken roll with butter, cheese, coleslaw and rocket; can of club orange
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: Starbucks cool lime tall and oreo caramel brownie
Night: bottle of red wine 12%
A few topics I want to discuss tonight:
- The mother: Infection didn't show up in her blood test today and all her tests yesterday were clear. I bore witness to her making her way to the bathroom on a zimmerframe with the nurse pushing the chair behind her in case she needed a rest. It was kind of heartbreaking but by the time she came back from the bathroom, she was a lot more steady and she did really well. It will be a long road but she was in good enough spirits. I didn't stay too long tonight as I am just wiped.
- The work environment: We had a meeting today where my manager kept harping on and on about one of the single girls meeting someone at this place or that place (a regular topic in meetings, which I find really inappropriate) and because I just have no fucks left to give, I piped up that there was nothing wrong with being single and that it wasn't a disease. I was kind of proud of myself, enough though of course that probably gave everyone a start and then they were all like, 'Oh, I loved being single, blah blah'.
I'm sick of this incessant fixation on men and being in a relationship in a work setting. It's incredibly demeaning to me because I am just ignored and nearly treated as 'lesser than' because I am not with anyone. Anyway, you know what, I am happy that I said that, even if feathers were ruffled.
- The podcast: I started listening to a podcast called 'Spinsterhood Reimagined' this week. It's a woman in her 40s who is basically trying to reframe how older single women are viewed or view themselves, and that you can actually have a really nice and fulfilling life and be on your own. And there's no shame in that. It's been really helpful to me in reframing my thoughts about myself, after being so in the doldrums about that lately. It is absolutely why I made that comment at the meeting today. I'm fed up of this narrative being the only acceptable one. I mean, I could list out all of my many achievements and cool things I've done and things that I really like about myself here, which I won't do now, but, you know, on paper at least, I think I have loads going for me. But this one thing gets such priority in my bubble that it nearly erases everything I have achieved in the last 20 years. And the thing is, if my energy was going into someone else for all this time, I probably wouldn't have done most of it.
So yeah, I guess listening to women who are like me and are experiencing life in a similiar way has really brought me massive comfort and has made me think, 'Hey girl! There's nothing wrong with you! You don't have to carry this shame and embarrassment around with you and you definitely don't have to explain yourself to anyone!!!' So that's been a great feeling to have while all this stuff is going on with my mum.
Now, the podcast doesn't solve the feeling of sadness I have all the time now about Tom. But, you know, even if that magical feeling never comes back or never happens again with someone else, or I never have kids, it's okay. There is nothing wrong with me. And I don't deserve to be ignored or demeaned at work meetings or anywhere else really ever again. (I will say that I don't really think it's intentional but it's bothering me enough to the point that I felt it had to be addressed today.)
Weight: 173.2; BF 39.7%; BMI 26.4
Cigs: Yesterday was 26. It can't be that much tonight. I will address the cigs issue on another post.
My August challenge will be no drinking at home. I had a look back at the diary - 14 days drinking, 17 not for the month of July. The pendulum has not swung quite into the really bad stage that it could, but at the same time, that's not great. So anyway, I'm very determined when I want to be and I will stick to this goal come hell or high water.
I'm so happy you spoke up, too!!! I know very happy people who never married (including my best friend in the world) and a very close friend who is single and adopted 2 daughters. I really dislike it when people forget that there are many different lifestyles. When I was a new mom, in a couple of women's groups I was in, the women were always talking about being empowered businesswomen who don't need men or domesticity, and I just didn't mention that I was living everything that they were avoiding in life. People can be so totally clueless! I'm so glad you are feeling more comfortable with where you are in life and feeling like you don't have to explain yourself especially! I never had a relationship I was as into as my first boyfriend, and I am learning to just appreciate what I had and to feel ok with it being the length of time that it was. I figure if I can love a cat who has a really short lifespan compared with mine, I can love a relationship no matter how long it lasted. If I torture myself wishing it was different than it was, I lose the niceness of it, so I am training myself not to compare to ideals, which, I admit, is hard! Anyway, I love your August goal, and I think you are doing great. So glad you found that podcast!!
That is great you found such a great podcast to help reframe your thinking around that. I've heard of a couple of books that were exploring themes along those lines as well. I hope you continue to find the positives and strengths in being who you are whatever your relationship status is. Lovely that you spoke up about it at work as well.
I'm glad your mom no longer seems to have an infection. It can be hard watching people recover from surgery, but hopefully now that the infection is no longer an issue, she will make good progress again.
Best of luck with the August challenge!!
I'm glad your mom no longer seems to have an infection. It can be hard watching people recover from surgery, but hopefully now that the infection is no longer an issue, she will make good progress again.
Best of luck with the August challenge!!
- Thanks Cate. Yes, I smoke a lot less when not drinking.
- Thank you Marsia. I am really happy I stood up for myself.
- Thanks Liza. I do think 'the single woman' is becoming more of a topic and it's an important one. There are thousands of us! Haha.
Exercise: Will get back to this at the weekend.
Food:
Before I went to sleep last night, I had a small tub of sour cream and onion pringles. They were nice.
Breakfast: cappuccino; oat choc chip protein cookie 75 g
Mid-morning: banana and strawberry smoothie; coffee and milk
Lunch: can of coke; chicken wrap with mayo, cheese, tomatoes and onions; wedges with ketchup
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: really bad sweet chilli chicken wrap; can of kombucha ginger and lemon
Now: bottle of white wine 12.5%
I've failed already! I just really need it to be the weekend and I will be back on track. Today wasn't even a bad day, I am just in a really bad cycle at the moment. I will dig myself out of this hole, I just need some breathing space. I also think the smoothie might have been gone off, as my stomach was not happy with me in the afternoon! I powered through.
Weight: 172.1; BF 39.7%; BMI 26.2
Cigs: 21. Today TBD.
I'm going to try to quit the cigs again this weekend. It's a 3-day weekend and I know this is my best chance in a while. I also don't have any party nights or meet-ups with people that aren't tennis-related. It's get my shit together weekend! I'm getting my hair done tomorrow after work, on Saturday I have booked in the car for a full valet, which I am super-excited about. I love when the car is looking good.
Sunday is clean my room day and Monday is clean the rest of the house day. All of this will be interspersed with visiting Mum and some tennis on Monday. I won't visit her tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to a day off in a way. She's doing okay but she needs a unit of blood tomorrow. The nurse was talking tonight about how 'next week' will be her week of more movement with the physio. There seems to be no escape from their clutches for a while! But that's okay. I think she's doing well overall.
- Thank you Marsia. I am really happy I stood up for myself.
- Thanks Liza. I do think 'the single woman' is becoming more of a topic and it's an important one. There are thousands of us! Haha.
Exercise: Will get back to this at the weekend.
Food:
Before I went to sleep last night, I had a small tub of sour cream and onion pringles. They were nice.
Breakfast: cappuccino; oat choc chip protein cookie 75 g
Mid-morning: banana and strawberry smoothie; coffee and milk
Lunch: can of coke; chicken wrap with mayo, cheese, tomatoes and onions; wedges with ketchup
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: really bad sweet chilli chicken wrap; can of kombucha ginger and lemon
Now: bottle of white wine 12.5%
I've failed already! I just really need it to be the weekend and I will be back on track. Today wasn't even a bad day, I am just in a really bad cycle at the moment. I will dig myself out of this hole, I just need some breathing space. I also think the smoothie might have been gone off, as my stomach was not happy with me in the afternoon! I powered through.
Weight: 172.1; BF 39.7%; BMI 26.2
Cigs: 21. Today TBD.
I'm going to try to quit the cigs again this weekend. It's a 3-day weekend and I know this is my best chance in a while. I also don't have any party nights or meet-ups with people that aren't tennis-related. It's get my shit together weekend! I'm getting my hair done tomorrow after work, on Saturday I have booked in the car for a full valet, which I am super-excited about. I love when the car is looking good.
Sunday is clean my room day and Monday is clean the rest of the house day. All of this will be interspersed with visiting Mum and some tennis on Monday. I won't visit her tomorrow and I'm kind of looking forward to a day off in a way. She's doing okay but she needs a unit of blood tomorrow. The nurse was talking tonight about how 'next week' will be her week of more movement with the physio. There seems to be no escape from their clutches for a while! But that's okay. I think she's doing well overall.
Cate
Long term member
I love it. You can do it, Em & having a day off visiting your Mum will be good for you & it sounds like she is being well looked after. I expect to go home next week with a list of exercises to do each day & I am going to do them. I want to be as mobile as I can as soon as I can & get back to golf when it's safe to do so. I'm already missing golf & I haven't had the op yet.
Enjoy your long weekend, Em. Is there a tennis game in there somewhere?
- Hi Cate. Yes, do everything they tell you to do! Tennis on Monday, maybe morning and evening. We'll see.
Last night, I had two whiskeys and orange juice as well. Cigarettes were 20. Today has been a tired day. It wasn't a bad day though.
Exercise: Sigh. No.
Food:
Breakfast: banana; kiwi; coffee and milk
Mid-morning: glass of orange juice, slice of toast and butter, coffee and milk
Lunch: toasted ham, cheese, tomato and onion sandwich; can of coke; fries and ketchup
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: americano and milk; toasted tomato and cheese sandwich from Costa
Now: bottle of white wine 11%
Tonight is my farewell to alcohol and cigarattes for at least a week. At least tomorrow! One day at a time. Mum was in good spirits tonight, I went to see her after all. My aunt was there too, which was nice.
Weight: 172.9; BF 39.5%; BMI 26.3
Cigs: TBD.
Back on the straight and narrow tomorrow. I just need one more night of wine and Peep Show. Then onwards to a better life.
Last night, I had two whiskeys and orange juice as well. Cigarettes were 20. Today has been a tired day. It wasn't a bad day though.
Exercise: Sigh. No.
Food:
Breakfast: banana; kiwi; coffee and milk
Mid-morning: glass of orange juice, slice of toast and butter, coffee and milk
Lunch: toasted ham, cheese, tomato and onion sandwich; can of coke; fries and ketchup
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: americano and milk; toasted tomato and cheese sandwich from Costa
Now: bottle of white wine 11%
Tonight is my farewell to alcohol and cigarattes for at least a week. At least tomorrow! One day at a time. Mum was in good spirits tonight, I went to see her after all. My aunt was there too, which was nice.
Weight: 172.9; BF 39.5%; BMI 26.3
Cigs: TBD.
Back on the straight and narrow tomorrow. I just need one more night of wine and Peep Show. Then onwards to a better life.
Love the sound of this weekend plan. Everything getting all nice and cleaned up.It's get my shit together weekend! I'm getting my hair done tomorrow after work, on Saturday I have booked in the car for a full valet, which I am super-excited about. I love when the car is looking good.
I hope you get the break from cigarettes and drink that you want. The one day at a time approach sounds good!
Lovely to hear your mom is in good spirits!
- Thanks Cate. She is getting better, thank God.
- Thanks Liza. I haven't got that 'Eureka' moment that will free me of this stuff just yet, but I truly believe that I can find it.
So, I'm still alive and haven't drank or smoked myself to death just yet.
I am going to stop the tracking though. To be honest, I don't think it's doing me any good. I'm fixating so much on the bad stuff that I am doing that it's putting me at a low ebb, and I feel it's causing me to eat and drink even more. So, I'm stopping 'full disclosure' for now. I don't want to stop posting on the forum though, which is what I was contemplating last night, because I just feel so worn out from the whole nightmare, but I like putting my thoughts down on paper and talking to you all, so I will keep going for another bit at least.
Anyway, things aren't so terrible. Weight was at 172.5 this morning, BF 39.4%, BMI 26.3. Those aren't bad numbers when you consider where I was only last year. Last August 4th, I was 190.9 pounds with my BF at 44% and BMI at 29.1. So, Jesus, that's huge progress really. I want to stay here though and I don't want to slide backwards. I still believe that food doesn't have the same power over me that it used to, but I do also think that alcohol and cigarettes have more of a hold on me. There's no point being a skinny lump of leather at the same time. Lol. What a terrible image.
Anyway, I am not quite there yet but there's still lots of hope and all that.
Mum is out of danger. I took a break from visiting her today because I'm running out of subject matter and I also needed a little break. She was sitting out in the chair yesterday for the first time and she is doing well. I know it helps her when I visit though so I need to try to keep that up.
Still haven't tackled the room but the car is as good as new. Best valet service I ever got. Slowly cleaning up my act...
- Thanks Liza. I haven't got that 'Eureka' moment that will free me of this stuff just yet, but I truly believe that I can find it.
So, I'm still alive and haven't drank or smoked myself to death just yet.
I am going to stop the tracking though. To be honest, I don't think it's doing me any good. I'm fixating so much on the bad stuff that I am doing that it's putting me at a low ebb, and I feel it's causing me to eat and drink even more. So, I'm stopping 'full disclosure' for now. I don't want to stop posting on the forum though, which is what I was contemplating last night, because I just feel so worn out from the whole nightmare, but I like putting my thoughts down on paper and talking to you all, so I will keep going for another bit at least.
Anyway, things aren't so terrible. Weight was at 172.5 this morning, BF 39.4%, BMI 26.3. Those aren't bad numbers when you consider where I was only last year. Last August 4th, I was 190.9 pounds with my BF at 44% and BMI at 29.1. So, Jesus, that's huge progress really. I want to stay here though and I don't want to slide backwards. I still believe that food doesn't have the same power over me that it used to, but I do also think that alcohol and cigarettes have more of a hold on me. There's no point being a skinny lump of leather at the same time. Lol. What a terrible image.
Anyway, I am not quite there yet but there's still lots of hope and all that.
Mum is out of danger. I took a break from visiting her today because I'm running out of subject matter and I also needed a little break. She was sitting out in the chair yesterday for the first time and she is doing well. I know it helps her when I visit though so I need to try to keep that up.
Still haven't tackled the room but the car is as good as new. Best valet service I ever got. Slowly cleaning up my act...
I do think that with gentle focus we can bring attention to things we want to change and they can slowly turn around, or in your case, rather quickly with your weight! I think the key is doing this in a caring way, not beating ourselves up with numbers we don't like, so I am glad you stopped tracking because it made you feel bad. The Buddhists often talk about this like you are training a puppy. You want to be firm, but also caring and loving about it. What they don't talk about as much is the fact that we are our own trainers, so it's a whole process of figuring out how to be the trainer that we need, I think. That's the hardest part for me, anyway. I do think that picturing yourself the way you want to look and feel helps because you are focused on what you want. The brain doesn't do well with focusing on what you don't want, and has trouble aiming for what you actually want with negative images and thoughts in the way. I have been a pessimist for a lot of my life, so that part is really hard for me to remember. You have shown yourself that you can do this with your weight, so now it's figuring out how quitting alcohol and cigarettes needs to be modified so it works for you. I have no doubt that you will do it. You are really strong and determined and smart, so those vices don't stand a chance when you figure the training part out, I think!
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Glad your mom is out of danger and you can take a bit of a breather. Hopefully now you can get back to a rhythm that takes care of you, whether it's tennis or just having some more nice nights out with friends.
I am glad, too, that you have decided to quit the tracking/full disclosure thing if it's not working for you. Quitting things is tough. You will find your way to it if it is something you really want to do though.
I'm glad you have decided you will keep posting here as I do love reading your posts.
I am glad, too, that you have decided to quit the tracking/full disclosure thing if it's not working for you. Quitting things is tough. You will find your way to it if it is something you really want to do though.
I'm glad you have decided you will keep posting here as I do love reading your posts.
- Thank you so much Marsia. Yes, it is very tricky to be both the trainer and trainee. That is the challenge of being an adult in general I guess.
- Aw, thanks Liza. I'm not going anywhere!
I made a good decision tonight. I was back lateish from tennis and I was very, very close to ordering pizza as I didn't have a huge amount to eat all day. But, I decided instead to cook my dinner, which was the adult decision! I made a kind of risotto thing with loads of veg and chicken and different sauces thrown in. It was a bit bland but very healthy. I'm not going to bed feeling too full, which I would definitely be feeling if I'd had loads of pizza. So that was good.
I just did a short visit to Mum today. She's fine but it feels like she's been in hospital forever. I am really looking forward to her making progress with the physio this week and going home. It's a lovely hospital, but it's still a hospital. Anyway, she's getting a bit stronger every day and she's happy enough in herself, despite everything, so that's good.
I had an hour of tennis this evening and that's kind of hit the reset button for me and I feel a lot better in general. No alcohol today either which is always good. I went for a really long nap this afternoon that my body was crying out for, so I should go back to work tomorrow relatively fresh.
Life seems a little dull and boring at the moment. I just wish something amazing would happen in my life. I would really love a boost. I don't think it's been an easy year so far. Still, I have to keep going and stay optimistic. I'm going to try to get up for a run in the morning as I think that would really start off the week right. I have my lunch made which is also a good start.
- Aw, thanks Liza. I'm not going anywhere!
I made a good decision tonight. I was back lateish from tennis and I was very, very close to ordering pizza as I didn't have a huge amount to eat all day. But, I decided instead to cook my dinner, which was the adult decision! I made a kind of risotto thing with loads of veg and chicken and different sauces thrown in. It was a bit bland but very healthy. I'm not going to bed feeling too full, which I would definitely be feeling if I'd had loads of pizza. So that was good.
I just did a short visit to Mum today. She's fine but it feels like she's been in hospital forever. I am really looking forward to her making progress with the physio this week and going home. It's a lovely hospital, but it's still a hospital. Anyway, she's getting a bit stronger every day and she's happy enough in herself, despite everything, so that's good.
I had an hour of tennis this evening and that's kind of hit the reset button for me and I feel a lot better in general. No alcohol today either which is always good. I went for a really long nap this afternoon that my body was crying out for, so I should go back to work tomorrow relatively fresh.
Life seems a little dull and boring at the moment. I just wish something amazing would happen in my life. I would really love a boost. I don't think it's been an easy year so far. Still, I have to keep going and stay optimistic. I'm going to try to get up for a run in the morning as I think that would really start off the week right. I have my lunch made which is also a good start.
- I have a few Liza. Haha.
I've kind of felt emotionally all over the place today. I slept really well last night but that didn't really help my mood, unfortunately. I was just irritated and then a bit sad for a lot of the day. Sometimes I really don't want to keep going. It is like that exciting feeling that I always used to have about life has been drained away.
I don't know, I used to really believe in magic and had this inner certainty that everything would work itself out and I would get to where I want to go and feel content and happy and loved and safe. And that certainty is just not there anymore. And it's really hard to get back. I don't want to be a realist and I don't want to be a cynic. I like being a dreamer. I like believing in the happy ending. And it's really hard to feel sort of empty and lost and useless and powerless like I have been feeling for a long while now. All the moments of magic just seem to have evaporated. Even the things I used to love doing don't have the same joy for me anymore. The last two shows I did were challenging and I didn't feel amazing in the way I used to after I did them. Even though I should have been completely elated after one of them because it was such an achievement. It's a really sad way to be. And I'm tired of it.
I think I'm just tired in general. Now, it does help when I am not drinking and I feel fresh. I mean, work wasn't great today but I was fresh so I was able to really concentrate and get through a lot of stuff. And then I had a chat with one of the girls and I calmed down and cheered up a bit. I mean, it's not a constant doom and gloom state. But when I'm alone or driving in the car and especially in the evening before bed, I just feel so sad that the magic feeling and secure feeling seems to be lost. I need to find it again.
Anyway, that's enough feeling sorry for myself for one post. @liza3 - I think I want to find the magic again. That would be amazing right now.
I've kind of felt emotionally all over the place today. I slept really well last night but that didn't really help my mood, unfortunately. I was just irritated and then a bit sad for a lot of the day. Sometimes I really don't want to keep going. It is like that exciting feeling that I always used to have about life has been drained away.
I don't know, I used to really believe in magic and had this inner certainty that everything would work itself out and I would get to where I want to go and feel content and happy and loved and safe. And that certainty is just not there anymore. And it's really hard to get back. I don't want to be a realist and I don't want to be a cynic. I like being a dreamer. I like believing in the happy ending. And it's really hard to feel sort of empty and lost and useless and powerless like I have been feeling for a long while now. All the moments of magic just seem to have evaporated. Even the things I used to love doing don't have the same joy for me anymore. The last two shows I did were challenging and I didn't feel amazing in the way I used to after I did them. Even though I should have been completely elated after one of them because it was such an achievement. It's a really sad way to be. And I'm tired of it.
I think I'm just tired in general. Now, it does help when I am not drinking and I feel fresh. I mean, work wasn't great today but I was fresh so I was able to really concentrate and get through a lot of stuff. And then I had a chat with one of the girls and I calmed down and cheered up a bit. I mean, it's not a constant doom and gloom state. But when I'm alone or driving in the car and especially in the evening before bed, I just feel so sad that the magic feeling and secure feeling seems to be lost. I need to find it again.
Anyway, that's enough feeling sorry for myself for one post. @liza3 - I think I want to find the magic again. That would be amazing right now.
It's so hard when you're tired of what you're doing, but don't know the next step. I hope you get some opportunities to try new things soon. I also think it's great you are turning to tennis and healthy meals in the mean time, and that they do you immediate good is wonderful. I think some of what is happening for you is a sign of the times. Before Covid there were just so many more opportunities and so much more going on socially. People seem like home bodies now and things are expensive, so going out is more a treat than a few times a week indulgence. I hope you find nice ways to make your own fun if you don't find what you are looking for out there!!
- Thanks Marsia. It's not really about being social, it's about that inner 'knowing' that everything will be okay. My foundation, which was actually a lot sturdier than I ever gave it credit for, has been rocked a bit.
- Yes, I hope the magic comes back too, Liza.
Today an opportunity knocked and I am going to see if something new lies around the corner tomorrow evening. I don't think it will solve all my problems but it might be a life raft I can cling to until I start to feel better about things. I am feeling pretty terrible this evening and I felt awful last night before going to sleep. The crying is back! It's got to the point where I can't really listen to music anymore. I turn on the radio for a bit, but more often than not, I just turn it off again. Not like me! I always love a soundtrack.
Anyway. Went into see Mum tonight, she had good colour in her cheeks and my aunt was there too, which was nice. I also visited Dad beforehand and we had some Domino's pizza together, which was quite fun. He said he was too full but he ate three slices anyway! Haha. He was also new to the concept of 'garlic dip', which I found kind of hilarious. He is 74 I guess. No garlic dip in his day.
I had all sorts of plans to go for a run tomorrow but I just feel wiped and unenthusiastic. I really do need to fit in a run at some point over the next few days. If not tomorrow, hopefully Friday evening after work. That would be a nice way to kick off the weekend.
I was talking about the 'next thing' being a kind of life raft, and actually, the 'last thing' has resulted in an invite for a coffee meet-up at the market on Saturday with a gang, which I don't really feel like going to in some ways, but which I will force myself to go to, as I need to keep my head above water a bit. There is one gorgeous man who might be there. I don't think he's a 'potential' but it's nice to be around handsome men sometimes! The tennis coach is actually giving me loads of attention now, probably because I couldn't care less about him. I did have a dream about him last night though, haha. So maybe I care a little bit. It's nice to be thought well of and smiled at sometimes.
- Yes, I hope the magic comes back too, Liza.
Today an opportunity knocked and I am going to see if something new lies around the corner tomorrow evening. I don't think it will solve all my problems but it might be a life raft I can cling to until I start to feel better about things. I am feeling pretty terrible this evening and I felt awful last night before going to sleep. The crying is back! It's got to the point where I can't really listen to music anymore. I turn on the radio for a bit, but more often than not, I just turn it off again. Not like me! I always love a soundtrack.
Anyway. Went into see Mum tonight, she had good colour in her cheeks and my aunt was there too, which was nice. I also visited Dad beforehand and we had some Domino's pizza together, which was quite fun. He said he was too full but he ate three slices anyway! Haha. He was also new to the concept of 'garlic dip', which I found kind of hilarious. He is 74 I guess. No garlic dip in his day.
I had all sorts of plans to go for a run tomorrow but I just feel wiped and unenthusiastic. I really do need to fit in a run at some point over the next few days. If not tomorrow, hopefully Friday evening after work. That would be a nice way to kick off the weekend.
I was talking about the 'next thing' being a kind of life raft, and actually, the 'last thing' has resulted in an invite for a coffee meet-up at the market on Saturday with a gang, which I don't really feel like going to in some ways, but which I will force myself to go to, as I need to keep my head above water a bit. There is one gorgeous man who might be there. I don't think he's a 'potential' but it's nice to be around handsome men sometimes! The tennis coach is actually giving me loads of attention now, probably because I couldn't care less about him. I did have a dream about him last night though, haha. So maybe I care a little bit. It's nice to be thought well of and smiled at sometimes.
Cate
Long term member
Be around handsome men, Em. Handsome men who pay you attention & smile, are even better. Your strong foundation is still there, hon, it's just been shaken up a bit. It's good for you to get out there when you're not feeling up to it. That is hard!
Sending you lots of hugs, Em
Sending you lots of hugs, Em