I finally calculated it out - yesterday's final total was around 2125 calories. Absolutely shameful. I didn't want to tell any of you, but if I'm hiding my slip-ups here, it completely undermines the point of this journal, which is to subject myself to monitoring. It seems to be easier to translate the anonymous and disembodied monitorying of people on the internet into the disembodied monitoring of my own consciousness, symbolically speaking. Its not like subjecting myself to the monitoring of my fiance, who doesn't seem to apply when he's not actually there to watch me, whereas "the gals on the internet" seems to always be there.
The fact that I am so embarrased about it seems to be a good sign, I must be internalizing my new lessons rather than just doing them because I have to. The last diet I was on was completely useless because it was my fiance who was doing the monitoring. I snuck a chocolate bar in at least once a day when he wasn't looking because I could get away with it. Its not like I wanted to be fat, but I just didn't get it. I think I do now, or at least I'm starting to. I still need to stop myself before the fact, but I feel immensely shameful after the fact, more than I used to.
Anyways, today is going much better than yesterday. I had a bit of cereal and a homemade bacon'n'egg mcmuffin, a granola bar, a banana, and a couple slices of raisin toast. I'm up to 1075 calories today, and I seem to be doing good. I'm a little peckish, so I think I'll actually go cook something for dinner, since my mom was just complaining today about how me and my sister never help cook dinner which is why we get take out so often. I'm a terrible cook, but I think I saw some of that flavoured rice in the cupboard. Now I just need to find something to go with it since the rice is just a side dish. That and there's three of us for dinner tonight (I also have a younger bro, and my sister is working tonight), so the rice won't quite stretch through us all.