Cate's Diary

Thanks Misty. I know I need to go shopping. Today I measured myself & I have lost a crazy number of cm's. It is so hard to measure in the same place but I looked in the mirror & tried to note little landmarks so to speak- a freckle or 3" above belly button, fattest part of bottom etc & I seem to have lost heaps! Sooo.......
Snuck on the scales & 2kg's lost in the last week!!!
I'm on a high!!
Grabbed my sewing machine, broke a needle, grabbed needle & thread, because my work pants that were just a bit loose last week are almost falling down. I can't believe it. If I went out now & bought new clothes they are just not going to fit me in 4 weeks time! OMG! Did a couple of rough old hand-sewn darts in the waist & hey presto, they'll get me through the next couple of weeks. Actually I have a week's holiday coming up so will re-assess then.
I had better get out the 2 pairs of size 14 pants & try them on again. One pair are smart black slacks, the other smartish (oxymoron used here) tracky dakkies.
I am in a hurry as have to go to work soon. Just had to share my excitement!
83KG's-Woo hoo!!
 
Whoah-just read yesterday's post & boy did I come down off that high. When I got to work yesterday I felt so stressed. I have been running around worrying about every-one else & I fell in a crying heap at work & came home 4 hrs early. My boss said I can have today off as well, if I like & I just rang up to say I would take her up on the offer. I started crying again on the phone! I find it really embarrassing.:eek:
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (just a coincidence)& will have a good check-up. I know that I am stressed. It's all got too much for me. :eek: I have to stop worrying about every-one else & think of myself for a change. I'll let you know what she says. Our dr. has retired & I am going to her for the first time.
Nothing will make me go off the rails with the program though. I am just so focussed about my weight-loss. I will get really shirty if any-one suggests that the weight-loss could be making me ill as it's the best thing happening at the moment (other than my hubby, sons & grand-kids!)
I have 2 issues that need sorting at the moment (make that 3)
1 is my mother-in-law, 2nd an elderly friend (92yrs old) & 3rd my thinking I have to solve every-one's problems. None of these are easy issues but.....
I don't know what I would do if I didn't come in here & type away. Ring a help-line for the first time in my life maybe.:(
I am going to find a good book, get in my comfy chair, dog on lap, in front of the fire & try to veg out for the day.I had better not forget to eat. I have to remind myself to eat these days as I no longer get hungry! Can't believe it really.
Be back tonight, hopefully more like my usual self, xoCate.
Whoops-I think I've let the fire go out!
 
Hi Cate, I'm sorry to read that you are feeling low. I am not doing Cohen's but am watching my weight & always enjoy your diary. I just thought I'd drop you a note to suggest maybe you find some diaries of past Cohenite's and have a read. I seem to recall a few finding themselves emotional 'wreck's' at some point during their journey. I think sometimes it happens when our body realises we really aren't going to numb it with food anymore. So instead we end up overwhelmed and in tears etc. I am sure there are reasons that you may or may not be consciously aware of that allowed you to gain weight in the first place. This 'slump' may simply be your body telling you it's time for you to face those demons.

OK - psychology aside, the other thing that popped into my head was your comment about blood pressure tablets. It may be that your blood pressure is getting too low now. Having no medical training I can't give medical advice of course, but I personally tend to have rather lowish blood pressure. I have found that when my blood pressure drops lower than normal I tend to get a bit 'overly emotional'. So that may be a physiological reason for your stress reaction.

Anyway, as you can see concise posts aren't really my forte either! Hope things are improving at your end. If not maybe give yourself some me time and snuggle up with that little fur-ball of yours for a good long nanna-nap!

Cheers,
Linda
 
Linda- Thanks for that. I was starting to feel like I was talking to the wilderness (or worse -myself!) I love it when people come in here & offer support. I think we all need it. I used to be so surprised that anyone would like to read my diary! With me I am as I seem. I'm a good, loyal friend but talk way too much as anyone can tell from reading my diary. Sometimes I exhaust myself!
I've been thinking that it could be my blood pressure as last week I was a little light headed. I have had to find a new doctor & have an ap't in the morning. I want to tell her how I've been feeling but am afraid she might knock the program or tell me I am losing too fast or something. I really think I am suffering from stress. I take on other people's problems, try to solve them & this time I have over-done it! I have to chill out.
I will pop in again tomorrow night & let every-one(any-one) know how I go & what I think of the new doctor. I hope I like her.
If I do I think that I will make monthly ap'ts with her for a while just to keep tabs on my health.
You know I can't seem to find the info in here that I used to. Maybe it's because I spend so much time writing my diary & just have a quick look around. I read the forum for about 6 weeks before I started my diary & used to read pages & pages of posts. I do remember reading something similar but have no idea where I read it.I might go searching now.
I wasn't a big junk eater before but my body must be trying to make adjustments. It's probably suffering from shock.
So am I this week- I nearly slipped up & said 83 kgs to my hubby, who thinks he has hidden the scales !
Might go for a wander & be back later, xo Cate
 
Ha ha, you stealth weigher! I'm so sorry you're feeling under the weather. Hopefully it is a simple case of needing your blood pressure meds adjusted or something similar. Your cm loss is amazing! You must look like a completely different person now. Good luck w/ the new doc. Sending good thoughts your way...
 
Whoah... I've fallen apart at the seams! My program has faded into the background. Today I went to my new doctor & really offloaded. My blood pressure is through the roof. She was great, very encouraging!
The funny thing is I felt like I had low blood pressure when I made the ap't but since then I have imploded.
It's the MIL problem. I wrote down how I have been feeling while I was in the waiting room as I was getting very stressed out. This is not me at all.
After talking to her calmly & telling her what I thought I needed to do & what is wrong with me I then said-"Look this is what I scribbled out while I was waiting & probably will give you a better idea of how I'm feeling"
She was wonderful really. Said that she thought that I seemed to know what I should do. She circled one thing I had written down & said you have written down what you should do first-"Take some time out for me". She also cut straight through to the essence of me. I have spent my whole life putting others first. I try to solve every-ones problems, look after them. Sometimes I think I must think I'm bloody superwoman!
Today I started taking the right steps. Had my hair cut, visited my MIL & had a really good talk to her, (whilst I was helping her out- won't go into all the details ). I said that I was literally making myself sick with worry about her. Told her about my high blood pressure. Said that I am happy to do my share but the others will have to help out. It went well. We had a big hug & a kiss & I came home feeling much better.
The doctor had also said there is a very good counsellor available locally but that she thought I was really good at self-analysis & had already worked out the solutions.
She gave me a medical certificate for work. I won't get paid as I don't have any sick leave yet but I want them to know that this is genuine. I am then on holidays for 10 days so will have a good break.
I am going to nurture myself for a change. The new Cate will try to look after herself.
I did say to her that what I would like to do is come to see her again in 4 weeks & tell her what changes I have made to my life. She thought this was a very smart idea. I actually came away feeling empowered & also that I think I just made a new friend. She's lovely.
After I had been to the doctor & after my haircut I went into a local store where I was served by a really nice woman that I hadn't seen for a while. She said something to me about how good I was looking & I told her that I had lost 22kg's. I am still in shock but she said something to me that no-one has ever said to me before-
"Cate, you've got such a pretty face!"
I was so shocked & did not know what to say. I did tell her that no-one had ever said that to me before & said "thank you, that makes me feel really good"
I told my MIL & she said "Surely your mother did". My reply was "especially not my mother". You don't realise how much baggage you carry with you through your life. I let a fair bit of it go today.
I told this new doctor that I had been through a stressful last few years which I don't talk about to any-one. It was quite a release. I will talk about it another time as I feel quite calm & relaxed at the minute.
I have people come up to me & ask how I have lost my weight. I did ask my consultant for some brochures a couple of weeks ago & she said she would post them. So many people I know seem to want to know all about it. I'm starting to feel like a walking advertisement for Cohen's.
Another thing happened today. I told my daughter-in-law that I was going to the doctor & that I was really stressed. Apparently they had discussed me & were both really worried. My son was going to come & see me soon to have a chat. How sweet! I will ring her in the morning & tell her about my day.
Well- I don't think I'll read this back as I will edit it too much. (Delete most!)
The new Cate-calm, relaxed, soon-to-be-slim, not trying to do everything for everybody else, I think will soon book herself in for a massage, a bit of retail therapy & maybe a yoga/meditation class & will learn to say "No"
Have I convinced anyone?
xo for today, Cate
 
WOW Cate... what a corner you turned today. new look, new compliments, new attitude, new empowerment. YOU GO GIRL!

Wish I had your self-analysis skills..... or could find a good counsellor.

In the time you've been Cohens you've done amazing.

Can I ask what your average day of meals looks like?
 
Still feeling pretty calm. Having a relaxing day. Made a few calls-1 to my daughter-in-law to let her know I'm ok, 1 re my MIL( not to my MIL) as had committed myself to do so & a quick call to a friend, who I have neglected a little lately.
Misty-You're a sweety. The kind thoughts & words that I read in here really help me. It's nice to feel that you are part of humanity & that we can reach out to one another for support.
Ichooselife- My self-analysis skills have probably come from a combination of things-my age, my life's experiences-remembering that I have felt this way before etc, reading & learning from others. Also, my sister was a psychologist. She was also self-aware & was on medication for years for depression. (make that decades). I loved my sister very much & even though she lived in the U.S. we were very close. Talking about her yesterday has made me realise that I haven't finished grieving for her & maybe never will. She died of lung cancer in 2005. The last few years have been tough & I will write it down in my diary soon. I have a little bit more self-nurturing to do before I'm up to it.
I had 3 trips to the U.S. in the last 5 yrs(so it's more than a few!) We were self-employed in a business, working 7 days a week. It took 2 years to sell our business. My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 yrs ago-trip 1(1mth-leaving my hubby running the business on his own). Then her husband was also diagnosed with cancer & J, my sister, was very ill at the time-2nd trip(3 mths-my hubby came over for 4wks with my mother). J's husband died within a year of being diagnosed & I went to stay with her for a month, offered to bring her back to Aust. with me (or come back to get her when she was ready). She died 3 weeks after I got home. Won't go into that part.
That was a very abbreviated version of those 5 years & I think that will probably explain a lot of my pent up grief.
Back to the new Cate!
This is the Cate who doesn't try to fix absolutely everything, including the world. It's the one who nurtures herself as well as her family.
I will get grief counselling one day I promise.
Back to your question
Cate's menu-
Breakfast-I alternate between these 2 usually, depending on what I feel like when I get up.(For the first 4-6 wks had the omelette every day!)-
1. A 1 egg omelette, usually with mushrooms, a little spring onion, tomato, spinach, coriander and/or parsley. The spinach, coriander & parsley are picked from my garden. I only use fresh vegies-don't like canned.
2.1 tub Vaalia low-fat, unflavoured yoghurt mixed with 1/3 of my fruit allowance & sometimes a few drops of sweetener. I have been having mango but am about to run out. Have some frozen in 150g portions in the freezer-not many left:eek:
About 1 hr before lunch-1/3 of cracker allowance
Lunch- One of these choices but very rarely red meat. I like to have the protein option that gives me the most vegies in all my meals.
1. Chicken soup (differs what I put in)
2. Chicken stir-fry (same)
3. Warm chicken salad.
4. Tuna salad.
5. Sometimes a tuna stir fry-bit weird but ok.
After lunch I have another 1/3 of my fruit allowance
About an hour before my dinner/tea time I have 1/3 of my cracker allowance
Tea I don't usually call it dinner any more as it's so little! (LOL!!)
This is almost always red meat!
1. Very rare eye fillet steak with salad. I Love it! I figure that we eat so little food it does not work out that expensive to eat the best.
2. Beef stir-fry-this varies enormously (poor choice of words-nothings enormous) I use rump steak usually. I go all over the world with my flavourings! Ginger, coriander & cumin, garlic, curry powder, chilli flakes(not too many unless my hubby has cooked my meal! ) all take some part in my meals. My vegies vary a lot. I love Bok Choy which is getting scarce.
3. Minced steak stir-fried all different ways. I like to take chop-suey to work(my version of course-Cohen's style)
I never use recipes. I haven't enjoyed cooking since before my kids were born & I am really enjoying preparing (& eating!the meals I have cooked for myself. My family can't quite believe it. Me either really. It started because I didn't trust my husband to cook 100% Cohen's when I began the program & now I'm hooked on cooking-at 53!
Really I think my success so far has depended on me having things prepared in my fridge. I find eating things freshly cooked is so much nicer. Because we have to weigh & prepare & cook everything separately I only pre-cook things if I am going to work.
I sometimes cook 2 soups at once in separate pots. I just won't play any guessing games & measure things out, say for 4 lunch-time soups, cook them all together & then divide by 4. Cohen's works so I don't want to mess it up by being slack.
After I have eaten my tea I try to wait an hour & then I have the rest of my fruit allowance.
Just before 9pm or earlier if I'm hungry I eat the remainder of my cracker allowance.
This last week I have been making up a fruit salad for the day. Sometimes I will just have a couple of spoonfuls. I made one up for my hubby too but his is much bigger & with different fruit, including canteloupe & apple. He has the creamy vanilla Jalna yoghurt with his. I do hope I can eat that later!!
I try to buy organic fruit & vegies if I can & free-range chicken breasts but I don't restrict myself to these.
Probably way too much info for any-one but once I start I have trouble stopping! Not telling anyone anything new here!!:eek:
I'm smiling as I type all this. I feel so much better today. It's raining & wintery outside, I've got the fire going nicely, the dogs are asleep nearby. Got a lovely husband arriving home in a couple of hours, will see both of my sons this weekend. Haven't stressed about my MIL at all today. Heart is beating slowly-not racing.
Once again- I won't check this for mistakes. It would take me too long!
Might be back later on tonight, depending on what my hubby watches on tv.
Love to all, Cate
PS I only eat the Original Saladas now after trying everything else. I also have chicken(lunch-time size that gives me the most veg) & red meat(tea-time size -ditto) weighed out into diff. portions in my freezer. At night I decide what I will have the next day & take the meat out of the freezer. If, next day I feel like cheese then I have it & keep the other until the next day. works for me anyway!
 
OMG-Did I really type that much? Sorry folks!
Help wanted-
I want to treat myself & my husband wants to buy me something special for my birthday on the 18th. This may sound strange to most of you but what do you recommend? I like the idea of being pampered. I have never had a facial or a manicure. I don't wear make-up at all & my skin is in pretty good nick. I won't be getting any boob jobs or having cosmetic surgery. I am happy in my skin but feel it's time for a treat. Suggestions please....., xo Cate.
 
I'd highly recommend a full body 1 hour massage.. usually anywhere up to $70 for the hour and just soooooooo amazing.. also helps body rid you of toxins.

A day spa is a luxury I love to indulge in.. where you have a massage then get use of the spa and sauna.

Spa pedicure are amazing. not sure if you have them there but up here we have ProfessionNails who have special massage chairs you sit in while they do your spa pedicure followed bya a manicure. 2 hours costss $60.

I personally don't get a lot out of facials, but I know otehrs who do.

Whatever you do, ENJOY.

Okay you have me wanting a massage no w too lol
 
My son, DIL & grand-daughter visited me this morning. I am all over the place. He talked to me carefully & let me know that I have been like this for a long time. I have come to the realisation that I have not dealt with my stress at all for the past 5 years. Sorry make that all my life. My generation is the generation that usually scoffs at counselling & "soldier on" regardless. That means not dealing with the stress at all.
I made a call to my new doctor & have booked in to see her next week to get a referral to a counsellor. Self-analysis is fine but I have gone past the stage when I can fix this myself. It's about time I dealt with my grief.
I think because I have been going so well with the program what has really got to me is that I can't share it with the person that I loved more than I could possibly articulate. Just typing that has made me cry.
I will stick to Cohen's as it is a big step towards looking after myself better but by writing in this diary I have opened my heart to you all & this has opened the flood-gates.
It was always going to happen sometime.
I feel relieved, but nervous that I have taken these steps. I can't possibly explain how I really feel to my close family. A counsellor will not tell me just not to think about her, or to get over it. I need someone trained to help me work my way through this.
Now that I have realised this I guess (hope) it's a good step in the right direction. I will come in here each day still. I think this was the catalyst.
Love to everyone who is supporting me at the moment, xo Cate
 
Hi Cate,
Had not been on for a while but since I was in here last so much is happening in your life, I am so sorry you are going through all this, my heart goes out to you.
I will be thinking of you, take care :)

Annie Lusion

p.s well done on the weight loss so far, you are doing great!
 
Hi Cate, I'm so sorry you've had so many struggles and that you've felt the need to "soldier on"! What a terrible burden you've been carrying. It's wonderful that you've made the decision to take charge of your healing and see a counselor. I so hope that brings you the peace, healing, and closure that you need. This might sound crazy, but have you ever considered writing your sister a letter? When I lost my beloved grandma, I wrote to her. While it didn't make all the pain go away, it was a bit helpful to express my thoughts to her.

I know you're a nurturer and not used to taking care of yourself, but don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. When you take care of you, you really are taking care of your loved ones, too. They'll get to enjoy a healthier, happier you-- and that's good for everyone!
 
Annie Lusion- thank you. I feel pretty fragile.
Misty- You are such a sweety! You hit the nail right on the head saying I shouldn't feel guilty about thinking of myself. I know that you are right.
I spent the week-end with my husband & 2 sons, watching them play competition sport at the week-end & had my youngest son & a friend of his staying with us. His friend was taking a book to bed to read 1st night & I asked him what he was reading. It was a Robert G Barrett book. I told him that I have all of his books, with the main character Les Norton, & that I loved them. He looked really surprised & told me he didn't expect me to say that.
Now this fictitional character, Les Norton is a very rough & tumble bouncer, who does some sleuthing, and lives & works in Kings Cross, the red-light district in Sydney. Most of his books I couldn't put down & some I laughed out loud. A friend has all of them & just last week she said she must return them. She's had them for about 2 years. I must make sure that she does soon as a good laugh would help at the minute!
Next day my son's friend bought me a Rob't G Barrett book, not in the Les Norton series, but the book that is his favourite. He said I would love it!
How sweet of him & what good timing. Of course he has no idea how I am feeling at the moment (nor does my youngest son) but I feel that he may have sensed it.
I went for a walk during the comp., hoping to find some clothes. I have walked past a lovely looking store for years, thinking it would be out of my price range( & size range!) Yesterday, instead of walking right past I walked straight in.
I had a look around, liked what I saw, including the prices & when asked if I needed any help I said "Yes please" & told the saleswoman that I have just lost a lot of weight & am still losing but cannot wear my baggy, daggy clothes any longer & really needed a smart outfit so that I would feel better about myself.
She was so incredibly helpful & seemed delighted for me. It was such a rewarding experience. I had found a passport photo I had taken last year, just of my face, which I had put in my wallet & I showed her. She was amazed & wanted to know how I did it. I was feeling too exhausted to go into Cohen's with her (that says a lot for how I feel at the moment) but she had already heard of it & had looked at the web-site already. She said she wants to do it but is struggling financially at the moment & gave me her email address & asked if I could let her know more about it. The thought of doing that totally tires me out. I might just give her this forum's address.
I have never felt as bad as I have this week. My heart is racing almost constantly. This is the first time today that I have sat still (?)for more than 10 minutes. I am petrified of seeing a counsellor but know that I must.
I do need someone outside my family or friends to help me. I know that. I won't chicken out though as I know I need to go.
I just haven't felt like food the last week but have made myself eat all of my allowance every day. I can't say that I have enjoyed anything much.
My husband is playing golf today & I have a day at home on my own. I have been walking around the house, like a mad woman, talking to myself-saying things like-
"You must nurture yourself"
"Food is my medicine"
"Learn to relax"
"Stop. Sit down. You don't need to be doing this. Only do what you have to."
It's all been to no avail though.
Lunch-time today I cooked myself a delicious fish stir-fry with garlic, spring onion, fresh mushroom, bok choy & tomato, spinach & coriander from my garden, ginger powder, lemon grass powder & a dash of balsamic added near the end. Cooking it made me hungry so I really enjoyed it.
I also went into a shop that sells chrystals etc yesterday & went up to the counter & asked this guy in front of his family if he had a CD that would help with stress. He was also really good. His family wandered away to another part of the shop quietly & he played some lovely, relaxing piano/running water music, told me about meditation classes that they have on Friday nights, I told him I wasn't up to going or doing anything much at the moment but am about to see a counsellor & he was really sweet.
Of course I haven't listened to the CD yet. I showed my son & he said that he often listens to mediation/relaxation CD's & would like a copy. Smart boy.
I think I know why I put my weight on in the first place & to make sure that this does not happen again I absolutely need counselling. I need someone who can help me work through the issues that I have suppressed for so long & that I can no longer talk to my sister about. She was my counsellor when she was alive. I have tried writing her a letter & that helped a bit but I do need someone who can help me get some things into perspective.
One thing I feel is that if this hadn't happened this week & I don't do something about it I would have ended up having a heart attack or stroke.
I'm sorry if I have made anyone feel sad. It's the diary writing that has released my suppressed feelings so it is good for me. They were going to erupt one day & hopefully now I'll be able to recover.
On a better note-I will now tell you about my new clothes-
Black, suede-like pants
Multi striped polo fitted top-black, fawn etc tones
Matching fawn suede-like sleeveless vest.
They are 16's or 14's I'm not sure & can't be bothered going to have a look. It doesn't seem to matter as much any more. They looked great!!The saleswoman had to steer me away from getting bigger sizes & into different styles but she so nice to me. It's very hard not to cry when people are nice to me.
I don't mind any more if some people don't say anything about my weight loss. It means that they see me as me which I want. I don't want too much attention. The only person that I want to find me attractive is my husband. I have trouble convincing him of that though & that is one of the issues. I need to reassure him whilst also needing to feel good about myself & my body.
While being scared of seeing a counsellor I'm really looking forward to getting help. I felt better just typing those words.:)
Will be back tomorrow after listening to my CD. That's a promise! xo Cate
 
Hi Cate. Congrats on your new clothes. They sound beautiful and very trendy. As for your husband, give him time to get used to having a hot little wife! I'm sure he realizes you're not trying to attract every man in the neighborhood! I guess hubbies have their own little insecurities and comfort zone issues; they're just usually better at keeping them under wraps! His insecurity is a big compliment in itself, though. I hope you both feel much better very soon...
 
Misty, You really are such a sweety! You say all the right things at the right time. The clothes are lovely! Last night when my hubby got into bed he found a naked, smiling, wife. Later (;) ) we had a chat & I think I have allayed some of his fears & insecurities. I hope so anyway. I certainly do not want any other man's attention in that way & have never sought it.
I'll come back later as I haven't listened to that CD yet. I will after my lunch.
I'm feeling so much better today & looking forward to eating something nice. That in itself is a good sign. It feels good to be taking steps to heal myself. I feel really loved. Learning to love myself is the next step.
xo Cate.
Brrr it's cold today! Better rev up my Lopi wood heater (made in Washington!)
 
Listened to my relaxation CD. Arked up the fire, settled back in my recliner, our dogs jostled for position on my lap & after about 3 tracks I relaxed & enjoyed it. My brain ceased its monkey chatter. 5mins later my husband arrived home from his training course & I was able to be like my usual self (outwardly anyway). Had a couple of moments today when my heart felt it was going to pound out of my ever-diminishing chest.
I had yoghurt & 1/2 a mango portion for breakfast today. An apple 1hr before lunch because I haven't been hungry for a few days. Then ate 2 crackers.
Lunch I made a delicious fish soup with flake (shark); fresh bok choy, garlic, spring onion & cauliflower; some canned asparagus, (& some of the water); fresh coriander & spinach from my garden; ground ginger, a little cumin, cracked black pepper & cracked sea salt. I warmed a big bowl & sat down at the dining table & really savoured my lunch. Mmm mmm!
Tonight I had a quick chicken stir-fry, with most of the above but cabbage instead of cauli. I usually add a little balsamic for flavour. I can't believe I am enjoying cooking so much. I ate this with 2 crackers & afterwards had a fruit salad of kiwi fruit, mandarin & honey dew melon.
I just realised that I still have 2 crackers to eat. Maybe that's why I'm a little bit peckish. Mmm. Better go eat them. Who would have thought 6 months ago that Saladas would be so inviting.
It's good to feel 1/2 human again. I will have to face my demons soon & start working out coping strategies but, in the meantime I'm just chilling out.
One of the many conundrums I have is that I would love to give up work altogether but I love spending money. When I have time to myself I'm busy thinking about the next project for the house or the next holiday. I didn't travel when I was young & I would love to see more of the world.
I guess this applies to a lot of people. My hubby actually doesn't want to stop working. Crazy man.
The telly is switched off which doesn't happen often in the evenings so hubby suggested I could go into the forum while he does some homework. It's funny because I have tried to go into the forum when he is at work & sit with him when he's home so that he doesn't feel neglected.
Goodnight (or good morning) from Cate. Cracker time! (bit lateish- whoops)
 
It's 7.51 & I have been up for over 2 hrs! Not a good start to the day. I came in here so that I would sit down. My hubby's new job training involved an early start today & he needed to get up at 5.45. I woke up with a fright as I noticed it was starting to get light. It was 6.30! He was out the door in about 5 mins-no breakfast, no shower. All I could say was I'm sorry over & over. I haven't been able to settle down since. I've been doing housework for 2 hrs.
I had better go & have some breakfast & try to relax. My poor brain is obviously not functioning very well at all. Come on counselling. I cannot imagine going back to work as it's very involved & complicated. I can't even set an alarm correctly.
I'm really glad I prepared my breakfast yesterday. A 1 egg omelette coming up. Plus I need water!! Be back later, Cate
 
The last week I have been feeling worse than I have ever felt in my life. Even so I have stuck to the Cohen's program (albeit on auto pilot!) My brain knows that this is the right path. Tomorrow I have another doctors ap't & will tell her that I need counselling.
Today I tried very hard to put on a brave face for my husband but it didn't work. I broke down & told him that I really stress out about going back to my job. I've been fighting the feeling that this was the major problem & had been putting out feelers for a while to test his reaction but once I had told him he was so good & I felt so relieved. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
I didn't want to put too much pressure on him as he is training for a new job that has the potential to be very stressful & I wanted him to feel free to toss it in if he thinks it will be too hard.
He is loving it & thinks it will suit him. He said I can just quit & not go back at all. I told him that I would ask for a few months off without pay before making a firm decision. Just typing that though I know that I do not want to go back. The company that I work for does not feel the need to let us know of major changes until we walk in the door about to start work. We face the public, who often know more than we do. Often I read of major changes in the newspaper.
For some-one who likes to feel competent & who spends a lot of my home time trying to be prepared so that I can do the job well,this is very stressful & very frustrating.
Tonight SBS had an excellent show, Insight, about bouncing back. There was mention about Aussies inability to ask for help. Just by admitting I need help I feel that I have taken such a major step towards healing. I cried with relief.
I feel like typing a warning above my diary-
Don't read this if you are feeling low!
I have always thought of myself as an eternal optimist and a very strong person. Lately I have doubted this. I'm now starting to think that facing up to things is much better than pretending they don't affect you. Most people I know have not realised how much grief I have suffered but suppressed. I have hidden it a bit too well.Come on counselling I say.
Tonight I moved all of my work clothes & things into an out-of-sight wardrobe which made me feel so good. Yesterday, in a mad frenzy, I tried on almost every item of clothing I possess & had put almost all of my old clothes & undies in the same wardrobe. I won't throw them away for a while. I will let them just sit there.
I think I will go to bed early tonight. I don't think I am going to have too much trouble getting to sleep. Sometime soon I will book in for a yoga session. I had better try to take one thing at a time.
Hope all is well with everyone else. If not, don't do what I have done. Seek help! Love to all, including me, Cate.
Ticker update next Monday. Time for official monthly weigh-in & blood test. I think it's time the elephant went!
 
Well I'm feeling so much better today. I went to my doc, told her that I do need help & she is referring me to a counsellor & has prescribed me an anti-depressant (Zoloft) that has a very good success with anxiety in particular. She was wonderful. I knew that I needed counselling but the thought of it was making my heart beat out of my chest. The Zoloft will calm me down & will help me tackle the counselling. She is very intuitive & listens which is great. God I feel so much better about asking for help. I told her that I need a break from work & would like to quit but will ask for a few months off, rather than burning bridges. I also said I was really anxious about ringing them to ask for time off. She suggested that if I explained why & they said no that might help me with my decision. Funny thing was I had thought that while I was in the waiting room. I said I might write but she also suggested tackling the problem & ringing. I think she's right. I should do this before the end of the week to make it easier with their rosters.
Tomorrow I am going to cook some soups & freeze them. Before I left for the docs this afternoon I quickly made a tuna & vegie soup that I switched on as soon as I got home & enjoyed thoroughly with 2 crackers. I also had prepared a 1 day's fruit allowance (mine is 3!) into a fruit salad which I have just finished off. Delicious!!
I felt so much better after the doc's that I went to the supermarket & stocked up I don't have to tackle it again for a week. I will try not to put too much pressure on my hubby. He was going to go shopping tomorrow before training. He's so good.
I also called in just to say hello to my MIL & she was really good as well. She has been going through her clothes as she has been putting on weight the last year or so because of medication for an over-active thyroid. She has always been very image conscious & wears really smart clothes of very good quality. She had a lot of things on a spare bed that she said I could have if I like. There wasn't much for me as she's very short & wears mostly dresses or skirts. I did take a pink cami top.
She showed me her neat wardrobe & said she hadn't gone through her knits yet & that they were next. She had a beautiful fawn, fine woollen jumper which she said she had never worn as it didn't suit her, mainly because of her height, & told me to try it on, which I did. It fitted me perfectly & looked really good. I need a soft black skivvy to go under it & with black pants it will be great. She told me not to tell her daughters as it was very expensive! I think I will end up with more. She has never skimped on clothes & has about 4large wardrobes full. We like similar colours.
She seems to be coming to terms with her failing sight & was very positive today. I told her that I'm going to have time off work & take things easy for a while. Once again she was very supportive.
I think I will feel better after I have rung work so I will try to tomorrow. I will pick a time when I'm feeling pretty good.
I am just loving Cohens. I am loving the food, enjoying cooking my meals & seeing myself look better & better every day. The last week I haven't looked so good but today I looked in the mirror & felt so much better about myself.
By facing my issues I think I am also ensuring that I don't put this weight back on again.
The new Cate will take it easy for a while & get better, nurture myself, take up yoga again, grow more vegetables & learn to love myself so that I am better able to help others, but not at the expense of my health.
I won't go looking for another job. Down the track this might change but, for now I don't even want to think about it.
Tomorrow I am going to do lots of prepping. I do my grocery shopping once a week & then spend hours cutting up vegies & fruit & put them in separate labelled containers. When I go to cook, I grab the vegies that I fancy & then just make something up. I really vary it & I don't use recipes. I never used to cook!!
I hope I haven't made people miserable lately. It certainly wasn't my intention. It's because of writing in here that I am now doing something positive to help myself.I am feeling much, much better & it's all up (except for our sizes!) from here. Lots of love to all who are reading my diary. I will be back to my usual, cheerful, positive self very soon I'm sure. xo Cate
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top