bluehats diary

weird surprise this morning
my weight loss app
the free version of pound a week
says that i lost 5 pounds in the week
it sets you up to put in your weight and reminds you
after the weeks done
the goal is to lose a pound a week
 
there isnt enough times between incidents
not to start feeling despair
the mind begins to think of ways
out
out of bad things that happen
things to do that can be risky
you cant let yourself cry
lest you never stop
 
When I went to therapy I tried not to cry a lot. It felt like I was stuck in a submarine, pushing against a hatch to hold hold back the water and if I started to cry the whole thing would collapse and drown me. It sucked so much. Turns out nothing happens when I cry and face the negative feelings, other than me feeling better afterwards. I hope you can get to a point where it feels safe to feel your feelings as well.
 
good news finally
something good to post
yay
ive mentioned the mould in my apt right?
and that they(owners) wouldnt fix it
well i got an advocate in my
family and they(supers on behalf of the owners) brought
a dehumidifier the very next day(today)
we (my family)are all so shocked
but im hoping it helps
and im happy i had good news
to share here
as opposed to all the bad diary entries
 
debating with myself on how to decide something
everyone probably has to or knows someone who has
faced the long store lineups(and even when they arent long all the new checkout policies are too slow)
well im unable to wait in them(my legs hurting worse and the same side hip)
and one store wants your cart at the checkout
so you cant lean on it while you wait
( i guess they wanna clean them-- i dont go in that one anymore cause i need the cart)
so since i have no way to do curbside pick up
i have to decide what other option i take
the only one i know of is to spend the extra and cut out a few days food
and have restaurant food delivered (like a burger or arbys sandwich or a sub)
as far as i know the stores dont do home deliveries?
especially food ones- grocery ones?
not a fancy food plan one just the normal grocery stores
 
todays food--
family leftovers
i stopped buying regular food
only bought food i hate to eat
except stuff to binge on
 
bought food i hate-- vegetables
and
binge foods-- chocolate bars chips cheesies mudshakes( yes the booze ones)
no more normal foods
(as in meat etc.)


food today--
mudshakes
water
coffee
 
food today--
something from the family
not sure what it is
looks like corn kernals some sort of meat pieces
and some gravy maybe
 
pretty distressed
still mould growing
despite dehumidifier
maybe too soon
for results?
anyway have to go
out and spend FOOD money
on a better cleaner? i hope
and a better mop
since i cant reach and
the mop i have isnt good enough
and
im not a mean person
but
i hope the owners and supers here
rot with hunger and despair
that never ends
 
how can i not blame myself for what happened?
how can i not think i broke up my family?
im the one who left
im the one that made it so now my offspring
still lives there( due to her own leaving an abusive relationship and finances) and has to do the normal
things a wife does like cook and clean(among a hoarding situation)
was i supposed to stay?
and be eventually killed?
not joking
it came very close 1 time
how can i help this person?
(im referring to the person who lives with the mean man)
i hate myself for causing this
i feel i was too weak to stay
so a few bruises here and there
seems sadder now
 
Oh, bluehat! I'm so sorry. For the person living with the mean man, and for you, thinking (wrongly) that you could somehow be blamed. You cannot be blamed for someone else's abuse. I'm glad you didn't stay to be abused - and yes, I know it can end in terrible, terrible ways. I wish words weren't so feeble.
 
still around
just pretty hopeless
not much to post
things are just not
getting better
been waiting 55 years
so tired of waiting
so tired of fighting
for nothing

food today will be--
eggs
vegetables
cheese if very hungry at bedtime
water
 
i fear my eating issues will never be solved
its too heavy to have the whole burden
of my family breaking up
if i could have just been stronger
and stayed and accepted the abuse
then my childs life would have went
in a whole different direction then it did
ive been given the whole responsibilty
for it breaking up and the direction
my childs life went
its too heavy
food is my friend
 
Please, please, please don't blame yourself. It was someone else doing the abusing, and making a whole impossible situation - you didn't act without thinking, and you chose the best way you could. :hug2:
 
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