size32someday
Active member
glad your eye appointment went well. a nap sounds good. maybe I will take one also.
It sounds like you're going through a lot of emotional and physical strain right now. It can be tough when you're doing your best to engage socially, but you're still feeling disconnected and drained. It's clear you're trying to balance everything — from helping your dad to dealing with your own mental health, and the emotional complexities around your relationships.Today met Proggy and his friends at annual music fest. Wx turned out comfortable. Music was a bit lesser caliber than usual. It finally got going with a female blues singer/piano player. But at that point Proggy and his friends were done and went home. I stayed about 1/2 hour longer and went home. Proggy and I didn't have much to say during the time we went outside so he could grab pizza. I doubled up my antidepressant today in the hopes it might help me feel more social and talkative. But talking over loud music and a crowd was making me irritable. And I think overall what I might need more is along time and exercise.
My skin started showing some effects of recent dietary indiscretions and stress. A few scaly patches in typical spots. Under my watch and "down there". Moving on...
Thursday was the annual 4th bbq with the Mexican family. I was kinda bummed out while there...Proggy was subdued and I had a couple of drinks. A couple of them women came over and talked about struggles/situations they were dealing with. One is 62 and looking for a job....Proggy has it even worse but he didn't say anything. And the other woman asked how many dogs I have now and without any condolences launched into her own sadness about her two dogs who are both aging and failing....I am glad people feel like they can open up to me but it really did nothing to help me have the fun time I was hoping for to let off some steam.
One of the guys in the family, who I have slowly developed an interest in, kissed me a couple of times and then unexpectedly he went for a full on open mouth tongue in make out kiss....I pushed him away and then it was awkward. He apologized later. I am not some girl in a bar and I feel like if he liked and respected me he would not have done it. I'm sure alcohol played a factor. I think we are both OK putting it behind us but I was already feeling some attraction anxiety around him before that happened, and I don't have a good way to turn that off.
It's typically because I get way too ahead of the game and start thinking about long term scenarios i.e. I don't date someone unless I see them as a partner. CB thinks I should just hang out with him and get to know him better and have some fun. But I also am concerned that it could upset the apple cart of our happy little gatherings and shift everything if I got involved with him. I might be overthinking it.
Yesterday we went to a movie, then dinner, picking up a friend of theirs. Altogether we were out of the house almost 8 hours. I had no interest in any of it, yet I am needed to help get dad in and out of places and take him into bathrooms to help him urinate without making a mess.
Where was the joy? At the bbq and at the music festival? Both days had good ingredients. I am just so flat, depressed. Ugh. Well, I will keep taking the additional antidepressant for a few days. Perhaps it will help. Also, Peaches goes to play bingo tomorrow so I can relax a bit with my Dad without having to accommodate another person. It's tiring.
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