Rob's Diary

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Rob- I think it's a really good thing to learn what triggers the urge to binge. I was really exhausted last night after playing golf & could have eaten anything in the house. There are things I just can never have in the pantry. Instead, I ate 2 oranges & had a stick of licorice & luckily got over it. Feeling overtired is the thing I think(?) for me & not eating enough protein during the day. I would like to learn more about what to fuel my body with for exercise. I ate a small bowl of nuts a bit later & they were so satisfying. I think I'll take some with me to golf next time.
 
bensanon said:
I'm going to keep going and not let this derail me.
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That's great. Yes we're all bound to slip here and there, but yes, knowing your triggers will help to avoid in the future!
Anyways the rest of the day sounds super-healthy!!
 
Thank you all but this is something else. I am so so confused by this and I feel so so so discouraged when it happens. How in the world could I have lost 140lbs and still be dealing with this if it was just simple cravings or urges or trigger foods or over-exerting myself?? I'm confused as hell and really distraught. You can't drop that much weight without being able to address those things effectively and I can when I need to but I cannot control this. I don't know how. It's 100% due to being dependent on that medication. When it happens I go right back to what it felt like mentally. A perfect storm of shame and guilt and self-hatred and intense fear and depression. It's completely different from my normal state of mind. I go to a very bad place very quickly. I got off the medication by just stopping it. I can't do that with food.

Here's a quote from this article (Trading Drug Addiction for Food Addiction) that's dead on with my experience too especially the last paragraph:
“[But] if you look at the neurobiology of food addiction, people cannot simply avoid trigger foods. They have increased cue responses,” said Friedman. Meaning, the experience of a sensation becomes accelerated, and temptation becomes confused with necessity. Willpower is factored out of the equation.

“It’s shameful,” said Donna (not her real name), 64, who described herself as both a binge-eater and a food addict, during an interview. “It’s not something I want to do, it’s something I’m compelled to do.”

Marissa and Donna both described being trapped in a condition outside of their own volition and agency. “I’m very conscious about how it isn’t healthy, and that I shouldn’t do it,” said Marissa. “But you get so down and depressed about it that it just continues. It’s a vicious cycle. I almost think I have a harder time with it than I did quitting heroin.”

Which makes sense, according to Friedman, given that food is a necessity. Whereas people can abstain from heroin, no one can abstain from eating.

“I think for me,” said Donna, “that recurring cycle has been so damaging in terms of not only my health, but my feelings of failure. Failure to follow through on resolve, failure to be a strong person, failure to live up to my intellectual expectations of myself. Binge eating completely throws your intellectual as it defies your own understanding of yourself.”
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Rob, that is a very relevant quote, not just for you but me as well. "Binge eating completely throws your intellectual as it defies your own understanding of yourself." is exactly what happens to me. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent and rational, in my career and professionally I have been fairly successful. And I have always known my bingeing and overeating was detrimental not only to my health but to my self image and confidence. And knowing that did me no good for 66 years, it may have made things worse.

I have never been drug addicted so I can't speak from personal experience, but I can see how it would be harder to control an addiction to something you can't live without. That makes sense.
bensanon said:
How in the world could I have lost 140lbs and still be dealing with this if it was just simple cravings or urges or trigger foods or over-exerting myself??
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I don't know but I can take a guess based on things I have read in your posts over the past several months. When you were losing the weight seeing the scales go down, and your physical condition was a powerful positive reinforcement. That is gone now, but your urges and cravings are still there, so you have fewer reinforcement tools to work with. And maybe its no longer so new, even boring. I am concerned that the same will happen to me. I know some folks have said that with time your cravings will diminish, but so far I am not sure mine have, and it sounds like yours haven't. I don't have a cure for the urges, I wish I did. I am beginning to think it is just something I will have to find a way to live with. I suspect this problem is why so many people who successfully lose weight just gain it back.

One of the things that attracted me to this place were the folks here who were being successful in maintenance, people like you, Flyer, Cate, the list goes on. I have asked questions of you all and read your diaries regularly to try and understand the maintenance process. One thing I have learned is that it can be as hard, probably harder than losing the weight. You all seem to struggle, but some how you are making it work. Unfortunately there seems to be no silver bullet.

I find you particularly inspiring because you are honest, open and insightful about the problem. You are working really hard on this, I have confidence you will find a way to muddle through, and that may in the end be the best any of us can do.
 
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alligatorob said:
Rob, that is a very relevant quote, not just for you but me as well. "Binge eating completely throws your intellectual as it defies your own understanding of yourself." is exactly what happens to me. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent and rational, in my career and professionally I have been fairly successful. And I have always known my bingeing and overeating was detrimental not only to my health but to my self image and confidence. And knowing that did me no good for 66 years, it may have made things worse.

I have never been drug addicted so I can't speak from personal experience, but I can see how it would be harder to control an addiction to something you can't live without. That makes sense.

I don't know but I can take a guess based on things I have read in your posts over the past several months. When you were losing the weight seeing the scales go down, and your physical condition was a powerful positive reinforcement. That is gone now, but your urges and cravings are still there, so you have fewer reinforcement tools to work with. And maybe its no longer so new, even boring. I am concerned that the same will happen to me. I know some folks have said that with time your cravings will diminish, but so far I am not sure mine have, and it sounds like yours haven't. I don't have a cure for the urges, I wish I did. I am beginning to think it is just something I will have to find a way to live with. I suspect this problem is why so many people who successfully lose weight just gain it back.

One of the things that attracted me to this place were the folks here who were being successful in maintenance, people like you, Flyer, Cate, the list goes on. I have asked questions of you all and read your diaries regularly to try and understand the maintenance process. One thing I have learned is that it can be as hard, probably harder than losing the weight. You all seem to struggle, but some how you are making it work. Unfortunately there seems to be no silver bullet.

I find you particularly inspiring because you are honest, open and insightful about the problem. You are working really hard on this, I have confidence you will find a way to muddle through, and that may in the end be the best any of us can do.
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Rob, I really appreciate your reply. Yes, I think we share a lot similarities and some differences in terms of how we respond to bingeing behavior and its effects and how we view our ourselves. I view myself as a fairly intelligent and rational person too. I was probably predisposed to gaining all that weight as I had a propensity to stuff myself prior to taking any medication. I'm not sure though that I would get there again on my own, without medication.

I was certainly motivated by the results I was getting as I was losing weight but a lot of me came back after getting off the medication. I was always a pretty skinny kid well into my 20s. I am fully motivated to stay here at this weight and get on with my life but this thing has a hold on me still. The binges are not a result of daily urges and cravings. It's a physiological/chemical problem. I'm still susceptible to a chemical reaction that compels me to binge and not be myself because of what I've been through. I have to outsmart, outmaneuver, and outlast this thing. It's going to die out at some point as long as I don't give up. I have evidence things are changing - I'm still getting better after stopping the medication. This will too eventually.

My cravings have drastically diminished from when I was dropping weight quickly. People gain all the weight back because of their habits and not changing their behavior and environment enough. Be kind to yourself, Rob. I don't think you want to be at the whim of your urges the rest of your life. Eat more calories and that will help you transition to maintenance. Trust yourself to do it. Your cravings will diminish. Learn the behaviors to make it stick and ingrain them into yourself like you are with exercise. Tell people. Surround yourself with positive supports and good, healthy food. Cut alcohol to once a month. Better yet, cut it out completely. Find other activities that make life meaningful. Start doing more of it now. Those are the things that will make lasting change.
 
I know I won't gain 140 pounds again if I binge a couple days in a row as long as I have much healthier behaviors in place that will counteract the binges. I know I won't gain 140 pounds again after a couple weeks of urges if I'm trying to correct my weight by a few pounds. I know I'm at risk though of gaining 140 pounds if I stop those healthy behaviors completely and when I lose weight, I put myself in a severe calorie deficit. I'm not going to last with the severe restriction and without the healthy behaviors.
 
bensanon said:
My cravings have drastically diminished from when I was dropping weight quickly. People gain all the weight back because of their habits and not changing their behavior and environment enough. Be kind to yourself, Rob. I don't think you want to be at the whim of your urges the rest of your life. Eat more calories and that will help you transition to maintenance. Trust yourself to do it. Your cravings will diminish. Learn the behaviors to make it stick and ingrain them into yourself like you are with exercise. Tell people. Surround yourself with positive supports and good, healthy food. Cut alcohol to once a month. Better yet, cut it out completely. Find other activities that make life meaningful. Start doing more of it now. Those are the things that will make lasting change.
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This is one of the best paragraphs I have read in the forum, Rob. It's great advice. Thank you. I really enjoy your diary posts & your insights. Maintenance is tough.
 
Rob, thanks for your thoughtful response, you are always good to challenge me.
bensanon said:
Rob. I don't think you want to be at the whim of your urges the rest of your life.
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No, I don't, but I am not confident they will ever go away, not completely. I will be happy if the do, but for now I need a contingency plan to deal with them.
 
I especially liked the part of Rob's comment that said
bensanon said:
Be kind to yourself... Eat more calories and that will help you transition to maintenance. Trust yourself to do it.
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You have surely shown that you can trust yourself after these long months of determined low eating! It's probably not too soon to start thinking about how your eating will be - about how you want it to be! - after you've got to the weight which feels right for you, and to start working your way into that kind of eating (and drinking).

About the cravings - is it too grim to say you could think about what if they did stay with you? If they did, well, you've shown that having that monkey on your back doesn't mean that it gets to tell you want to do! It's maybe a bit like the self-negative thoughts that plague me sometimes - I just have to learn to shut them down, and go right on doing what I want to do, not listening to them, not letting them stop me from doing what I want to do, and being who I want to be.
(Sorry if all this is a bit incoherent, and discard completely if it is in the slightest bit discouraging.)
 
I've been reading through all these comments with interest.
bensanon said:
The binges are not a result of daily urges and cravings. It's a physiological/chemical problem. I'm still susceptible to a chemical reaction that compels me to binge and not be myself because of what I've been through. I have to outsmart, outmaneuver, and outlast this thing. It's going to die out at some point as long as I don't give up. I have evidence things are changing - I'm still getting better after stopping the medication. This will too eventually.
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That makes sense.

bensanon said:
I bought some dark chocolate at the grocery store intending to eat a little at lunch. Well, that triggered a binge. I watched myself do it almost without thinking. I'm going to keep going and not let this derail me. I've learned I can't have any foods that may trigger a binge at least not in the beginning and for at least 6 months.

I was also tired and felt rundown from all the running and exercises I've been doing. I suspected that was a big problem for me. I felt really tired and knew I needed to rest yesterday. I didn't catch it early enough.
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I liked this post you made and I think keeping these insights in mind will help as you work through outlasting this thing.
 
Hey Rob, Thanks for checking on me. I had gum surgery today so I'm starting a soft foods diet for awhile. Can't exercise for at least 7 days either. Last week was the worst in a long time for binges. I'm tired of failing at it. I'm waiting for the solution to present itself because it seems like the more I try to fight it, the worse it gets.
 
bensanon said:
I'm waiting for the solution to present itself because it seems like the more I try to fight it, the worse it gets.
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If you keep trying and working on it a solution probably will arise. Ignore it and I suspect it never will. You probably already know that.

Hang in there with us, I suspect posting your feelings, thoughts, and progress here helps. I know it helps me to read about you and others with problems similar to my own. Reminds us we are not alone.
 
Hi, Rob. Gum surgery sounds painful & unpleasant. Do you think you can overcome your inclination or urges to binge on your own? I think I would be getting help. Even though I'm sure you are smart enough to probably know why you do, sometimes it takes a different perspective to be able to change how we look at things & find strategies to change our behaviour. You have done so well to get where you are now & learning how to deal with this would be the best outcome for your maintenance.
I hope your gums heal quickly. Take care, xo Cate
 
Thanks, Cate and Rob. Change will come at some point. The struggle and thrashing about can be damaging so I have to back off at times. It's disgusting behavior and I'm tired of writing about it. I'm big on renewal and resolutions though and the new year is right around the corner. I'm contemplating the change. I haven't eaten very much on this soft foods diet. I can't binge. Well, I could but it would damage the work I had done. Being physically unable to tells me it's an emotional issue I'm still healing from. I appreciate this space and you all. I'll keep looking forward.
 
bensanon said:
It's disgusting behavior
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Yeah, but the kind that a good person can be afflicted with. You are not disgusting. To the contrary you are admirable being so open and honest about it, and working so hard to end it. You should not feel bad about yourself.
 
I really appreciate your comments and insights throughout your diary Rob. You've been through a lot and you sound like a very strong person. I know I struggle with a lot of behaviors in my life that aren't helpful. It's not easy to just stop, and so I begin again and again. I know how exhausting it can be at times! You've come an amazingly long way and I admire that.
bensanon said:
I'm big on renewal and resolutions though and the new year is right around the corner.
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Yes New Years around the corner--may it lend us all a bit of extra strength to keep us going in the directions that are good and healthy!
 
Thanks everyone for your comments. This soft foods diet may prove useful in curbing the binges and maybe losing some pounds. On Monday I could only get in about 500 calories and yesterday it was about 750. Today's a little better so far. I'm a little low on fats. Trying to make sure I get all my nutrients. I'm not swinging the other direction so much because I'm not exercising either.
 
How are the gums and soft food thing?
 
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