Road to Bulimia / BED recovery.

[Syd1]

Hello! My name is Yenna, I've been on here for a little while but transitioned to a different forum that was more related to eating disorders than it was to healthy weight loss. Since puberty I've been dealing with Binge Eating Disorder and for the last year or 2 I have also been dealing with Bulimia.

For the past few months I have been rapidly gaining back some weight. On April 29th my sister unfortunately passed away at the age of 28 due to cancer. I think eating was my way of distracting myself from the grief I had knowing my sister was going to die.

In March 2018 I weighed 61kg, and I currently weigh 72kg. I wish to be back at 60kg again, whereas I previously desperately wanted to be 50kg. Since I have a lot of problems with my teeth, I havent and no longer want to intentionally throw up. I still use laxatives which I can hopefully stop doing in the near future. I wish to be healthy and happy, and lose the weight in a healthy way.

My plan is to try to eat more fruit rather than unhealthy snacks. I recently started to like bananas a lot, and I try to take one or two to work every day. Even at work they have free fruit for everybody which is amazing, I've never experienced anything like DHL before. It's such a nice place to work at!
Sometimes I still want to go all out for dinner, 3 times the regular portion of fish and half a bag of fries this evening for example. So what I did was eating the fish first instead of the fries. I was a bit too full after the fish, and after maybe 5 fries I threw out the rest. I need to think about if I'm actually hungry before I start stuffing my face, because most of the time I'm not hungry at all. Just urges that are really difficult to fight.

Another rule I want to set for myself is that I can only have 2 cans of sugary soda per week. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. When I go to the grocery store I'm often like 'oh one can isn't gonna hurt' but obviously that is gonna change if its 5-7 times a week.

Hopefully the ones who had to put up with me not listening to them before will still welcome me back, and I'm sorry for the way I acted back then. I'm trying to change for the better rather than for the worse now. <3

 

[Cate]

Hi, Yenna & welcome back to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your sister
I'm glad that you are going to concentrate on eating healthily. Giving your body the nutrition it needs is much more important than what you weigh. The weight will take care of itself if you are eating well. Take care, xo Cate.

 

[Trusylver]

Welcome back, Dealing with a close relative dying from cancer is tough, I know exactly what you were going through.

 

[aiminglow]

I'm very sorry about your sister. Strength and peace to you and your family.
***
What you say about stopping to check if you're actually hungry before you eat is so right! Often we can think - at least, I can! - we need food when we actually are thirsty, or cold, or tired or sad.

 

[Syd1]

Thank you for the kind messages!

Yesterday night I weighed in at 71,7kg (158,1 lbs).

So far I'm happy with my day. Working an early shift (6:00am - 3:00pm) and planning to see some friends tonight. After my shift I'll firstly be going to a shop to get new piercings (I lost my nose piercing and I dont have any other ones) and then I'll be seeing a friend who's going to cook dinner together with me. I loooove early shifts, at least I'll have most of my day left to spend however I want.

Break 1 (8:00) (woke up at 5:00 but had to hurry)
Tomato soup (65)
Coffee (25)
Most of a large banana (8:00)

Break 2 (10:15)
A large banana (125)
Hot coco (100)
Coffee (25)
A small cookie (60)

Break 3 (12:45)
Tomato soup (65)
Coffee (25)

 

[PLB]

Hey, Syd! Welcome to the forum! I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope that you and your family can find peace, as completely devastating as it must be for you.

It sounds like you are going about doing things in a much healthier way now, so that is great! Don't expect perfection. Give yourself time to make healthy changes that you can stick to in the long term. Good luck to you and I look forward to reading your posts.

 

[Syd1]

Yesterday ended with quite a bit of alcohol and a few snacks. Me and my friends got together and played some drinking games, typical 21-25 year old get-together. I thought that because of the alcohol I would have gained weight. But when I stepped on the scale (which was right after lunch) it showed 71,0 kg (156,5 lbs) which happily surprised me! I hadn't taken any laxatives either where I normally definitely would have.
I got back home not too long ago and I'm currently at the hair salon with my brother waiting for him while he's getting a haircut. We might have dinner here in the city center but I'm not sure about that yet. Definitely getting a snack or sugary drink though like bubble tea, ice coffee or ice cream but I'm okay with that. Spending time with my brother is always a lot of fun and I'm very happy we have the great relationship we have.

Breakfast (12:00 as we went to bed around 6:00)
Small sausage roll

Lunch (15:00)
Chicken pesto sandwich
Mango smoothie

------

Night update, I ended up having a soda and a BLT wrap from McDonalds, and I later had another small smoothie. I thought that maybe I should make a weekly or at least 3-day schedule for what I should eat? Most of the time I don't or barely eat because I forget to bring anything into the house. I wonder if I would be able to stick to it though.

 

[Syd1]

2 food pics I took.

 

[overlandflyer]

fruit juice is a lot better for you when it is in the original package...



fiber will buffer the effect of fructose.

 

[Cate]

Well done, Yenna on the weight-loss & not taking any laxatives. It's lovely that you have such a good relationship with your brother xoC

 

[myleanbaby]

Hi, welcome! So sorry to hear about your sister... I can't imagine how you must be feeling and dealing with the emotions and stress I have also struggled with eating disorders, which I usually just identify with EDNOS as I've been through the gamut with BED, bulimia (all forms), anorexia, and orthorexia. I also used to participate in a more pro-ed site and have recently transitioned here as I am also focusing on health and strength now rather than the negative ED thought cycles and behaviors. Looking forward to hearing of all of your #recovery wins!!

 

[Syd1]

So far there's been ups and downs. I think it would definitely be a good idea to schedule / plan what I am going to eat, because it does prove to be difficult to contain myself when it comes to snacks. Here's what I'm going to have planned for tomorrow.
I hate how I can't seem to get portion sizes under control. I just should no longer try to get sugary things to last long, because it isn't happening. Perhaps I should just start buying a crap load of fruits instead and hope my urges don't draw me back to the store for binge food.

However, yesterday was a lot of fun. My dad and I both work at DHL and this week we happen to be working the same shifts. So he would pick me up in the morning and drop me off after. We decided it would be fun to also cook together at my place sometimes, which is what we did yesterday. He is a very good cook and but I am not going to lie, he got the biggest pieces of pork that were in the store, lol. We had potatoes, green beens with a bit of bacon, and brined pork with BBQ sauce. It was really nice but boy was I full up after that! Picture of the food down below~

June 2nd plan:
Breakfast: 2 crackers with cheese spread (84) + a large banana (125)

Snack: 200g red grapes (134)

Lunch: 2 crackers with cheese spread (84) + a large banana (125)

Snack: 200g red grapes (134) / possibly fruit from the store (if I go shopping)

Dinner: Leftover BBQ, 1 piece of pork (152) and 2 sausages (291) and 200g of spinach (56)

Snack: Cracker with cheese or chicken spread (42)

Total: 1,227

Conclusion: Seems a bit too low on the calories, perhaps I should add an extra bit of fruit and maybe a glass of soy milk. Would love suggestions on what would be things I could add to this. I'm having a bit of trouble as I am trying to make a healthy plan. I think I should maybe swap out the crackers for slices of bread, and maybe I could have low fat yogurt with either breakfast or for snack? What do you think?

Grocery list:
- Bananas to take to work
- Red grapes, apples or any other fruit I see fit
- Soy milk
- Rice crackers for snack (?)
- Fish or vegetables for dinner the day after.
- 0% sugar soda / lemonade

Some pictures from the past days, including the meal I cooked with my dad, a breakfast pic from work, the BBQ I had with 2 friends, and the diamond painting of my sister that I am working soooo hard on currently.

 

[Llama]

I agree that those are not a lot of calories. Also your snacks seem to have more calories than your breakfast and lunch Your changes sound like a good start. One thing I'd personally add to each of those cracker meals is veggies. Lettuce, radishes, carrots, cucumber, tomato, celery; whatever you enjoy that adds a bit of freshness and nutritional value. The other thing is protein: you don't seem to be getting a huge amount and if you're low on calories it could really make a difference in satiation. 200 g of my favorite brand of no-fat Greek yogurt gives me 18 g of extra protein for 104 calories. Add a bit of fruit and perhaps nuts for healthy fat and you have a snack or meal that still has very few calories but might give your body something to work with. Or just put an egg or some beans on those crackers (I love crackers).

 

[myleanbaby]

Hey again! I agree with LaMaria, you might want to look at adding some more protein to you breakfast and lunch to help get you through the day. Having a history with binging, it’s important to set yourself up mentally for success, and that includes managing your hunger and satiety levels. The last thing you want is to come home at the end of the day with that hungry/out of control feeling and negatively impact your whole day and recovery progress with a mindless binge.

For myself, I am using a British meal replacement called Huel and it is really helping me manage counting the calories and taking the stress out of trying to choose the right foods, etc. May I also suggest you try to find out your BMR (basal metabolic rate) so you can set an appropriate calorie goal for weight loss? I use this calculator:
How Many Calories Should You Eat Per Day to Lose Weight?

 

[Syd1]

I am actually so happy with today! I had a very relaxing Sunday and, for the first time in forever I didn't feel the need to have any unhealthy things like candy or crisps. However, halfway through the day I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5 hours later, so I unfortunately missed some meals. Means I did get enough rest for my 6:00 - 15:00 shifts this week though . I went shopping and got some almonds, yogurt and soy milk so I don't have to resort to unhealthy snacks during the day. Hopefully I can keep it up, I feel amazing about my choices today!

Food Diary June 2nd
Woke up: 11:00

Breakfast (11:15): 2 crackers with cheese spread (84) and a large banana (125)

Snack: 30g unsalted almonds (190) and a glass of soy milk (77)

- Fell asleep around 16:30 and woke up at 21:30 -

Dinner (22:15): Leftover BBQ, 1 piece of pork (152) and 2 sausages (291) and 200g of spinach (56)

Snack (23:30): 150g low fat vanilla yogurt (65), 100g red grapes (67)

Total: 1,107 calories

Like I said, it's not the calorie amount I'm proud of (because it obviously should have been more) but the food choices I made today. And I feel like I have done okay calorie-wise considering the amount of sleep I've had, but I'm going to try and to better for sure! I'm also not taking any laxatives today. I normally would but looking at the calorie amount I am trying to convince myself that it is in no way, shape or form worth it to take them right now. Not that it is worth taking them otherwise, but you get what I mean.

Plan for June 3rd:
Waking up: 5:00, shift 6:00 - 15:00.

Quick morning snack (5:00-5:30): Apple (80), glass of soy milk (77)

Breakfast (8:00): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack (10:15): Large banana (125), a coffee (25)

Lunch: (12:45): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84) and a handful of almonds (190), a coffee (25)

Snack: Red grapes (67), 30g peanuts (183)

Dinner: 150g fish (251), 200g seasoned potato wedges (165) and 200g broccoli (68)

Snack: 200g baby carrots (65)

Total: 1,514 calories

I added the soy milk, peanuts, cracker as morning snack and baby carrots later on to up the calories a little bit because I thought I had enough calories, but when counted it turned out to be only 1,100 or so. I found out I got salted peanuts instead of unsalted, is it important I get unsalted instead? Or is it okay since my daily calorie intake usually doesn't include a lot of salt anyway?

I checked that calculator myleanbaby! It says for me I would lose weight on 1648 calories per day. I think looking at all the low calorie things I have at home I can easily get near that number. I will try to get near that number every day, thank you!

Pics from today:

 

[Cate]

Oh, Yenna. Well done on a good day's eating & shopping for healthy food & planning your next day well. Well done on all of the above

 

[PLB]

Hey, it looks like you're doing great so far! I agree with adding some protein to some of your meals, it will help with your satiety. And if your overall intake is a bit higher, you should be less tempted to binge or overeat.

As for the salted vs unsalted peanuts, I would say try both and see if they have an effect on how many you eat. I definitely find that I will eat more salted than unsalted.

Good job so far!

 

[Llama]

Planning ahead for the week makes SUCH a difference. Well done!

 

[Syd1]

Gosh dang it! I couldn't sleep last night so today I once again got a lot of sleep during the day. After dinner I fell asleep and only woke up for another hour before falling asleep again until now (2:15am). With the result that I again didn't get enough food today. Hopefully I have now gotten enough sleep to actually stay awake tomorrow. Also, I was planning on having almonds during lunch at work but for some reason they have vanished. I can't find my bag of almonds any freaking where (edit; just found them under my covers). I decided to add some more potatoes to my dinner to compensate but it wasn't that much. Also just quickly noting that my 10:15 snack is more like a lunch, because that's my 30 minute break. The 8:00 and 12:45 breaks are only 15 minutes.

Food diary June 3rd:
Woke up up: 5:00, shift 6:00 - 15:00.

Quick morning snack (5:00-5:30): Apple (67), glass of soy milk (77), Coffee before work, no sugar (10)

Breakfast (8:00): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack (10:15): Large banana (125), a coffee (25)

Lunch: (12:45): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack: , 30g (and some) peanuts (200)

Dinner: 100g fish (170), 225g potatoes (192) and 215g broccoli (74)

Total: 1,158 calories

--------------------------

Food Plan for June 4th:
Waking up: 5,00, shift 6:00 - 15:00

Quick morning snack (5:00-5:30): Apple (67), glass of soy milk (77)

Breakfast (8:00): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack (10:15): Large banana (125), handfull of almonds (190) a coffee (25)

Lunch: (12:45): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack: Red grapes (67), 30g peanuts (183)

Dinner: 100g fish (170), 225 potatoes (192) and 200g broccoli (68)

Snack: 150g low fat vanilla yogurt (65), one cracker with chicken spread (45)

Total: 1,492 calories

I probably won't go to the grocery store again till wednesday, so I will make sure I do get some baby carrots by then. I forgot to get them last time. I might have some extra fruit over the day, maybe an extra apple or anything just to push that cal amount over 1,500. Maybe an extra glass of soy milk will do? I don't know yet.

Pics of today:

 

[myleanbaby]

I am actually so happy with today! I had a very relaxing Sunday and, for the first time in forever I didn't feel the need to have any unhealthy things like candy or crisps. However, halfway through the day I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 5 hours later, so I unfortunately missed some meals. Means I did get enough rest for my 6:00 - 15:00 shifts this week though . I went shopping and got some almonds, yogurt and soy milk so I don't have to resort to unhealthy snacks during the day. Hopefully I can keep it up, I feel amazing about my choices today!

Food Diary June 2nd
Woke up: 11:00

Breakfast (11:15): 2 crackers with cheese spread (84) and a large banana (125)

Snack: 30g unsalted almonds (190) and a glass of soy milk (77)

- Fell asleep around 16:30 and woke up at 21:30 -

Dinner (22:15): Leftover BBQ, 1 piece of pork (152) and 2 sausages (291) and 200g of spinach (56)

Snack (23:30): 150g low fat vanilla yogurt (65), 100g red grapes (67)

Total: 1,107 calories

Like I said, it's not the calorie amount I'm proud of (because it obviously should have been more) but the food choices I made today. And I feel like I have done okay calorie-wise considering the amount of sleep I've had, but I'm going to try and to better for sure! I'm also not taking any laxatives today. I normally would but looking at the calorie amount I am trying to convince myself that it is in no way, shape or form worth it to take them right now. Not that it is worth taking them otherwise, but you get what I mean.

Plan for June 3rd:
Waking up: 5:00, shift 6:00 - 15:00.

Quick morning snack (5:00-5:30): Apple (80), glass of soy milk (77)

Breakfast (8:00): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84), a coffee (25)

Snack (10:15): Large banana (125), a coffee (25)

Lunch: (12:45): 2 Crackers with cheese spread (84) and a handful of almonds (190), a coffee (25)

Snack: Red grapes (67), 30g peanuts (183)

Dinner: 150g fish (251), 200g seasoned potato wedges (165) and 200g broccoli (68)

Snack: 200g baby carrots (65)

Total: 1,514 calories

I added the soy milk, peanuts, cracker as morning snack and baby carrots later on to up the calories a little bit because I thought I had enough calories, but when counted it turned out to be only 1,100 or so. I found out I got salted peanuts instead of unsalted, is it important I get unsalted instead? Or is it okay since my daily calorie intake usually doesn't include a lot of salt anyway?

I checked that calculator myleanbaby! It says for me I would lose weight on 1648 calories per day. I think looking at all the low calorie things I have at home I can easily get near that number. I will try to get near that number every day, thank you!

Pics from today:
View attachment 27974View attachment 27972

Awesome! I hope it helps! Finding the “sweet spot” of calorie deficit to lose weight safely and healthfully, but not to go so low that the hunger and cravings take over has been really helpful for me