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Ihaveacupcake

Ihaveacupcake

Active member
Hello everyone, I'm cupcake. I'm here to keep accountable to lose weight, get over anorexia thoughts and become healthier.

I've been dealing with a lot of anorexic thoughts that leads to binging. I binged last night.

I'm trying a new approach now to shed 10 pounds, healthy eating and fueling my body.

I have a lot of mental illness and meds that make it hard to lose weight. 4 years ago, I had a mental breakdown with religious delusions and psychosis and it landed me in a mental hospital where I was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder (schizophrenia and bipolar), I'm on 3 different meds and I gained 20 pounds on them, which put me at 150. I've lost 10 but am having trouble losing the last 10.

I'm going to take things slow, .5lbs a week with healthy eating.

I'm an active person, 15k-20k steps a day and 20 mins pilates 5-6 days a week. I discovered pilates earlier this week and just love it! I used to do light weights but just wasn't enjoying it, so I tried aerobics and hated it even more. Pilates is where my love for fitness is.

I used to want to be 110 pounds, but realistically 130 is where I want to be.

I smoke pot in the evening to help cope with a major stressor in my life. I'm at a loss with this situation in my life, which is why I give into anorexia so often. But I *finally* realized I can't starve myself anymore, and I don't want to.

I like to live by a persona (which helps me keep my sanity and goals in mind) and that is a 'healthy fit girl', someone who eats healthy, works out, is active and positive.

I have major depression as well and usually am a Debby downer, but I want to become more positive in life to help deal with my major anxiety too.

Ok, let's lose 10 pounds healthily!

So let's do this!
 
Morning

Up at 5, showered, 2 iced coffees then I napped at the kitchen table for an hr. I'm always so tired.

I was going to weigh today, but I forgot. Just as well, I binged last night, I'm going to do weekly weigh ins on Mondays.

No school for the kids today. Boo.

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Did pilates at 8:30, I'm loving this workout! As for my diet, I'm going to take a new approach. Rather than count calories or try and starve myself, I'm going to concentrate on fueling my body so I'm not so tired and hungry. I'll stay away from junk food and eat healthy. I'll lose weight slower but at least it'll be sustainable. I'm aiming for .5 lbs a week.

So for brekky I had 2 peices of cinnamon raisin toast with pb and sliced banana.

Then I did some chores, went on my treadmill for 20 mins, I do interval walking, medium pace for 1 min, then fast for 30 seconds.

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Then I prepared iced coffee to have at lunch then took a nap.
 
I ate peanut butter and raison toast for breakfast last week and my weight went up 2 pounds temporarily in one day. I don't know what it is about raisin toast but maybe it's spiking something. just a heads up if you weigh yourself tomorrow and its up it might have been the raison toast and is only temporary.
 
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Morning

Up at 6, showered, 2 iced coffees and watched my show till 7.

Then I got the kids up and fed. I'm kinda looking forward to but also not looking forward to church. It'll be nice to be around adults without kids for a little but I also don't want to go. Church doesn't excite me anymore.

My husband volunteers with the production (cameras) so I'm going to sit in the tech booth with him. Lately, I haven't wanted to sit in the congregation bc I don't like to stand during worship. I get tired easily and hate standing lol, I'm so lazy. So in the tech booth I don't have to, I can sit in the back and mind my own business.

I just feel weird, anxious and sad this morning. I hate it. I'm nervous bc my kid has a late bday party to go to and hoping my hubs will be home to take my kid to and from it. It's from 4-6, so ya, right at supper. There will be pizza there but what if my kid is still hungry after? Not a big deal, but what if I have to get him? Supper then will be late. Ugh, the unknown scares me, I need to learn to go with the flow.

Oh great...we have to go to church early, so I have 15 mins before kids ministry opens up, wtf am I going to do with the kids?

I'm trying to adopt a 'fuck it' attitude. I don't care what's going on, how I feel isn't important. But it's hard.

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Oh also, I stopped pacing. 2 reasons. 1) it's just not realistic to keep pacing as much as I do and 2) I hurt my ankle last week and pacing made it worse. So I'm not very active anymore.

I skipped breakfast today bc I'm gonna have a cookie after church.

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Had a mini chocolate cake and a cookie at church once it was done then we went grocery shopping.
 
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I know I said I'm supposed to be positive but this past week I've been a ball of anxiety. Not sure why, everything seems overwhelming. Pilates has helped a lot, I'd be more stressed without it. Same with the treadmill.

I just haven't felt real these last few days... I feel so lost 😭 Eating helps but I have to be careful not to over eat. Especially since I'm not pacing and as active...
 
Yeah, hopefully! A good night's sleep can do wonders. Anxiety is the worst, though, sometimes it just lingers no matter what. Maybe something that promotes relaxation before bed could help with getting better rest. I’ve heard about things like sweet dream gummies https://www.stirlingcbdoil.com/product/sweet-dreams-gummies/ that might be worth looking into. Hoping tomorrow feels a little lighter for you, Cupcake. Hang in there! :)
 
Morning

Accidently slept in till 6:20, so I skipped my shower. Had 2 iced coffees.

I've been binging bad for a couple days due to anxiety. But today I'm going to do 2MAD and have 4 iced coffees.

Due to stress, I'm trying to make my life about God more. I stopped watching my show (the good girls) and reading fantasy books (twilight). Whenever I'm lost, it's because I'm not concentrating on my relationship with God.

It's hard tho, what am I going to watch and read? I've decided to watch documentaries and listen to true crime again.

As for my workouts, pilates is working. I'm slimming down even tho I've been binging, hubs has noticed, so that's good!

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I'm feeling a lot of anxiety this morning, not sure why, and it sucks! I don't want to be alone today. Hubs took yesterday off and that was nice but I don't want to be alone today. My anxiety is giving me suicide thoughts (I won't act on them) but it's so hard.

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Got kiddos up, fed and off to school. While I was dropping them off, my hubs came home! He needs to use vacation days but he also wanted to support me during my anxiety filled time.

We talked about beating my anxiety and other stuff, I love our deep talks. Then I did some laundry and worked out. I'm loving pilates!

Then I had a late brekky, 2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with pb and sliced banana and a yogurt. It was good. Then we went out Easter shopping for the kids.
 
Afternoon

Got home and had a couple iced coffees while watching my show (the oc). I'm trying to get away from the drama shows, I stopped watching 'the good girls' bc it doesn't have good values, but 'the oc' seems better, even tho it's still a drama.

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Took a short 45 min nap, it felt nice. Then I got stoned, since my hubs is home and driving. I probably should've waited till 5, but whatever, I'm living it up 🙃.

We went and got the kids, then did homework. I got them a snack, and had a bite of chocolate cake. I was gonna have a snack anyway because I was really hungry, it was soo good!

Then I colored for a while. At 5, I got the kids to set the table.

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Supper was chicken pasta and garlic bread, so good.

Then I played a dice game with my hubs. I won! Then I colored my scripture coloring till the kids went to bed. Then I went to bed.
 
It sounds like you had a good day. Back when I lived at home with my dad it was my job to set the table and wash the dishes after. its a pretty good trade for having my meals cooked for me. Maybe have the kids set the table every day as a chore. anything helps right. I guess it depends on their age though.
 
Morning

Up at 6 and had 2 iced coffees, then rested my eyes till hubs got up at 6:30. I'm so tired this morning and a little depressed.

I was going to go workout at church today but my oldest is sick, so I'll be keeping him home, so pilates it is today.

As much as I don't like that my kid is sick, having company today will be nice.

Got the kiddos up and fed, then off to school for my youngest.

Then I came home and did some chores, went on the treadmill for 20 mins, then did pilates. Then I called my mom to talk about my issues for a bit while I did dishes. Then I had brekky, 2 slices of cinnamon raisin toast with pb and sliced banana and a yogurt. Then I took a nap.
 
Oops, forgot to post last night. My sick kid starting coughing a lot yesterday afternoon and threw up, poor guy. So he'll be staying home today too.

I've been reading a magazine called 'Breathe happiness' but I don't like it. I struggle to absorb what I'm reading and this magazine has a lot of words. So I'm going to return it and get some fitness magazines instead.

I was a big ball of stress yesterday, but felt better once hubs was home and after I had a hoot.

Supper last night was pork chops, noodles (none for me) and cauliflower.

After getting the kids in bed, I had 2 cookies, then went to bed myself.

I just hate this anxiety I've been feeling, it's crippling for me. I have fear over everything...it really sucks.
 
Morning

Up at 6, skipped my shower (I will later) and had 2 iced coffees. I weighed myself this morning, 140.4. So even tho I've been binging, I'm maintaining my weight. If I get my binging under control, hopefully I'll lose a bit of weight.

I'm keeping my kid home from school again. He has a bad cough, poor guy. Well, he doesn't seem to during the day, only in the evening but he coughed so much yesterday early evening and threw up. He isn't coughing this morning, but if he exhurts himself, he might have a coughing fit, so best to keep him home.

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Dropped my youngest off at school, went to Walmart to pick up some fitness magazines then to home hardware to get my hubs bday gift. Now back at home, ate some toast for brekky, did chores and worked out. 20 mins on the treadmill interval walking and pilates.

Then I did some more chores and had a shower.
 
Afternoon

At noon I had a deli meat sandwich, a yogurt and 2 iced coffees.

My one kid is going to have his first sleep over tonight! I'm so excited for him, but also a little nervous. My baby won't be here tonight...yikes! But he's a good kid and I'm sure he'll do great!

I watched my show (the oc) all afternoon. Then I went and got my kid from school and told him about the sleep over. His excitement was so awesome to see! I'm so excited for him, and a little nervous too.

Once we got home, I had a muffin to snack on and read my fitness magazine till it was time to take my kid to his sleep over.

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Got home from dropping my kid off at his sleep over and got really stoned. I feel like I shouldn't of because what if something bad happens and I need go get my kid? Ooh anxiety, how u can fuck off now.

Most of the time, pot makes me very anxious, so why do I smoke it still? I want to be a healthy mom and that means staying sober. I think I'll try to quit until bedtime for now. But I'm addicted to it, so it'll be hard. But, I'll try and pray about it. Also, if something happened and I needed to get my kid, my hubs can just go.

I'm still a big ball of stress from my kids sleepover, gah! BUT my other kid wants to watch wreck it Ralph tonight! I love that movie!

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Supper was pizza, then we watched our movie while eating popcorn. Then I went to bed.
 
Morning

Slept in till 7 and had 2 iced coffees. I was gonna get up at 6 to workout but missed my alarm. So I will workout later.

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Had a bowl of cereal at 10 then went to pick up my kid from his sleep over. He had a lot of fun, he was sad to come home lol.

Then I baked banana bread and worked out, 20 mins of pilates.

I was feeling anxious earlier today but am feeling better, now that I did something, but especially after working out.
 
Afternoon

At noon I had lunch, a yogurt and chocolate milk. I did dishes then had a nap.

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Napped for 1.5 hrs then had a small muffin to snack on.

Then we went out for a family walk, it's +12! Gorgeous. Once we got home, I had a hoot. It's going to take time to leave it till bedtime. But I wanted one because we r getting mcdonalds for supper and I love being stoned eating fast food.

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Mcdonalds was so good, definitely satisfied my burger and fry craving. I got stoned again... my hubs and I talked about me quitting altogether and I will start that tomorrow. So I'm enjoying the last time I'm gonna smoke it.

I'm really getting into fitspo since I got a couple fitness magazines. It's really helping with not having anorexic thoughts. I want to strive to be healthy. And since starting pilates, I'm feeling physically healthier and enjoying working out. I might start weights in a couple weeks, once I get this 6x a week workout mind set going. But we'll see, I am loving pilates! I'll stick with the video I do for now. But ya, I'm loving fitspo instead of thinspo. I want to strive to be the healthiest I can be...and that means mentally healthy too. I need to get rid of this anxiety and fear I feel over life. Life should be about experiences, the kids soccer is an experience.

But it's so hard. I'm ok right now and I want to stay that way, but I know it won't last. But I feel a little relief cuz I emailed the soccer coach to ask a question and he finally emailed back with a positive answer, so yay!

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Got kiddos in bed, had a couple cookies to snack on then went to bed.
 
Morning

Up at six, showered and had 2 iced coffees.

Today marks day 1 of my new sober lifestyle. I'm feeling optimistic about it!

At 7 I had 2 peices of cinnamon raisin toast with pb, it was so good.

I'm ok mentally today. Got church which is fine, got to get the kids soccer jerseys today, but hubs is coming with so that's fine.

I got the kids to try on their soccer gear last night and that was good, now I'm not feeling so anxious about soccer. It'll be fine.

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Well, I had a good nap during church lol. I was wide awake and next thing I know, I'm waking up at the end of the sermon. It was a good message from what I heard, about how Christians still have hardships.

Then we went grocery shopping, came home and I had a slice of delissio pizza, a yogurt and 2 iced coffees for lunch.
 
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