Laughing burns calories too

G

Gator1

New member
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


********

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started…..


********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

********

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
 
Haha, fantastic :D
 
This is my favorite joke ever:

There's a guy with a big, round, orange head, and he runs into a friend of his he hasn't seen in a long time. The friend says "jeez, what the hell happened to your head?" The guy says, “Oh, that. A few years ago I found a genie bottle in an alley. I rubbed it and a genie came out, giving me three wishes. My first wish was for a million dollars, and that's how I got all this stuff. My second wish was to have the most beautiful woman in the world, and that's how I my wife. My third wish, and this is where I think I may have gone horribly, horribly wrong, was I wished for a big, round, orange head."
 
Laughing burns calories? Well, I guess that everytime I take my pants off, I'm helping the women in the room lose weight then, huh?

:drum roll:
 
The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?






Sum Ting Wong
 
Gator said:
The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?






Sum Ting Wong
Click to expand...

Ahahahahahahahahaha!
 
What does a man with a 10" penis eat for breakfast?

Eh, I usually have bacon and eggs.

:drum roll:

(It should be noted that I do not actually have a 10" penis. But, if I were to give you my actual length, it would be just as much of a joke and would make you laugh just as hard. SIGH)
 
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.

"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . A THOUSAND TIMES NO!"
 
well...

i don't know any penis jokes being a lady & all...LOL

& anyway i can never really remember jokes except for two i've known for years. one is a kids joke i still think is funny & the other is absolutely bloody filthy so i can't/won't tell you...refer to the point i made above :D


so my fave kids joke is...

whats green & sits in a corner??




a naughty frog!!
 
baglady2713 said:
i don't know any penis jokes being a lady & all...LOL

& anyway i can never really remember jokes except for two i've known for years. one is a kids joke i still think is funny & the other is absolutely bloody filthy so i can't/won't tell you...refer to the point i made above :D


so my fave kids joke is...

whats green & sits in a corner??




a naughty frog!!
Click to expand...

A naughty frog? HAHAHA, wow.
 
baglady2713 said:
i don't know any penis jokes being a lady & all...LOL

& anyway i can never really remember jokes except for two i've known for years. one is a kids joke i still think is funny & the other is absolutely bloody filthy so i can't/won't tell you...refer to the point i made above :D


so my fave kids joke is...

whats green & sits in a corner??




a naughty frog!!
Click to expand...

Nice frog joke, but it'll never beat out "Whats brown and sticky?".............."A stick!"

OR!

Two muffins are sitting in an oven, one says "man it's hot in here" and the other says "holy shit a talking muffin!"

All other ones I knw are just dirty too lmao
 
ok...

going to try & remember a joke someone sent me by text recently...


a man goes into a pet store & sees a sign saying talking centipede £500...

he thinks wow!! how cool is that?? buys it...takes it home in a box.

leaves box open while hes getting ready to go out...

he shouts to his new pet...d'you fancy going for a drink?? (so this particular centipede drinks apparently too...)

no answer...

while putting his shirt on he shouts again...well?? d'you want to go for a drink or not??

no response...

talking centipede my arse he shouts walking over to the box...

suddenly he hears...



keep your fucking hair on!! i heard you the first time...i was just putting my fucking shoes on...
 
ChefChiTown said:
Kindergarten?
Click to expand...


Ha. no.
It's an actual movie, but that joke cracks me up still.
 
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