Jokes

allcdnboy1

allcdnboy1

New member
Some "appropriate" jokes ;)

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegeta! ble). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for ! your figure, explain whales to me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
,safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
 
Love that article ;) I read it on an Ediets newsletter, the Mr. Bad Food one, a week or so ago. It's way too cute.
 
Jokes about men :D

ok dont get me wrong i love men.....but sometimes its nice to laugh at them so here are a few. add to it if you got some good ones :D :p
Q&A #4


Q: Why are men like lawn mowers?
A: If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Q: Why is a hard man good to find?
A: You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

Q: How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
A: It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........ A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
A: Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q: Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A: A mental hospital

Q: What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A: One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

Q: How are men like bank machines?
A: Once they withdraw they lose interest

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
A: Because men always fuck up.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals

lol ok so more than a few :D
 
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.


Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.


How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.



How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
 
ok some more stuff :D

Why God created Eve...

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

HAhaha ok i dont hate men really i love em but man do i love to laugh at them ;)
 
Ok another one but this is too true c'mon you know it is i mean we've all gotten this one :p (sorry its alittle long but so funny)

The Look, and The Blank Stare


The Look:

Every male on the planet knows about "The Look." It begins in early childhood when the misbehaving manling transgresses a known or unknown law and receives, from his mother, "The Look." He will receive The Look from hundreds, perhaps thousands, of females over his lifetime and will always be terrified and shaken by the experience.
However, women are familiar with a maddening expression that males have developed to a fine art over the years. Women have "The Look." Men have "The Blank Stare." All women have seen this expression through the years, especially when males feel they are put on the spot. "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" she says sweetly. She is met by The Blank Stare.
Two young lovers are sharing an intimate moment away from the crowds under the privacy of the stars. "I love you," he whispers. "How much do you love me?" she inquires. Says he, "I would cross oceans for you, scale the highest mountain, fight off ravening hoards of barbarians for you, my love." Innocently she asks, "Do you love me enough to marry me?"
The Blank Stare:
The Blank Stare begins early in life, even before the man's earliest memory.
Two principles are learned early on.
Principle Number One: "It is bad to lie."
Principle Number Two: "Sometimes if you tell the truth, pain follows."
For example, Johnny, only three years old, opens the door to the fridge and tries to pull out the gallon of milk. The milk is way too heavy, but he is thirsty, and besides Mom is upstairs in the bedroom. He knows better than to do this because he has gotten into trouble before. Yet, because males are afflicted with a terminal condition called "testosterone poisoning" they do dumb things. The milk drops to the floor with a crash, the plastic container ruptures, and an explosion of milk covers Johnny and the kitchen floor.
Hearing the crash, Mom rushes to the kitchen where Johnny is standing, eyes innocent, dripping with milk.
"What happened in here?" she screams.
Principle Number One begins to kick in: "Do not lie."
However, Principle Number Two also comes into play: "If you tell the truth, you will get your butt beat." Faced with this tension of truth versus pain, little Johnny looks at mommy in silence and blinks.
The Blank Stare is born.
It doesn't work, of course, and never will because women inflict the pain anyway. But because males are males, they continue to react in the same old ways whether the techniques work or not. Johnny knows that mommy knows.
Johnny knows that he will probably be punished. Yet, because he doesn't want to lie and because he hopes, against hope, that somehow he can get out of this mess ... he stares.
It should be said, however, that the blank stare is only offered to women.
If a man challenges another man-"Hey, who left this mess in here?"- the testosterone afflicted male issues his own challenge "Yeah? Who wants to know?"
Arguments begin, words are exchanged, and fists may fly. But the Blank Stare is never given to another male. Well, maybe to a male in ultimate authority like a police officer or a father... but most males just either tell the truth or lie under those circumstances. If a man says to another male (which he would never do), "Does this swim suit make me look fat?" the reply likely will be, "Why no, Porky, why do you ask?" Imagine saying that to a woman. Pain would follow for sure.
Sometimes the Blank Stare is modified. First of all, one has to realize that the purpose of the Blank Stare is to avoid unpleasantness. Another motivation of the Blank Stare is to buy time to try to think up an excuse that is not actually a lie. Hence a few modifications: "Honey," she says, after asking an answerable question, "did you hear me?" "Drat," he thinks, "the blank stare isn't working." "Um, I'm sorry dear, were you saying something?" Now she has to repeat the question she originally asked. The hapless man has just bought an extra thirty seconds.
It won't work, of course, it never does. "I'm sorry dear, my mind was somewhere else, would you mind repeating that?" Whatever tactic employed, it only delays the pain.
Women are smart. Men need to own up to that little fact. If she asks the "do-I-look-fat-in-this" question and we don't reply, she knows the answer is, "Does Moby Dick sleep in the sea?"
If we were smart, we would just tell the truth and take our punishment.
Or if we were devious, we would just lie and then take our punishment because the female always knows when the male is lying. But because we are noble and caring (though suffering from testosterone poisoning) we try not to lie and we try to spare feelings. You see, the Blank Stare is actually the highest form of caring for the female. It is a sign of the latent goodness and honorableness of the man.
The blank stare is really a compliment to the relationship that we share with the female and a way of offering respect and dignity. Women should understand what we are trying to do, appreciate the sincere efforts we are making, and just quietly back off and accept our stare as a positive affirmation of them.
And if you believe that, you must be a man.
 
Dont know if this is real or not..........

Bizarre!!!


>1500s
>
>Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
>May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
>starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
>body odor.
>
>
>Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had
>the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men,
>then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By
>then the water was so dirty you could actually loose someone in it.
>Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
>
>
>Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood
>underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
>pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in
>the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
>would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining
cats
>and dogs,"
>
>
>There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed
>a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
>really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made
beds
>with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that
>problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.
>
>
>The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>Hence the saying "dirt poor".
>
>
>The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter
when
>wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing.
As
>the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
>the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
>placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold".
>
>
>They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the
>fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
>mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the
stew
>for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
>start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been
>in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas
porridge
>cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
>
>
>Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when
that
>happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and
>hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could
>really bring home the bacon."
>
>
>They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
>around and "chew the fat."
>
>
>Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
>content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened
>most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400
>years.
>
>
>Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of
>wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trencher were never
>washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
>wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
>
>
>Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of
>the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
>"upper crust".
>
>
>Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
>sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
>the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
>were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
>would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would
>wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
>
>
>England is old and small and they started running out of places to
bury
>people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a
>house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25
>coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized
>they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
>string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through
the
>ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
>graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard
>shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was
a
>"dead ringer".
 
I'm sure a lot of those are true! Especially the last one...I've heard of that before. heh, I used to wish I lived in the Renesaince era...kind of glad I don't! o.0
 
yea, i heard about a lot of these when i was in Scotland ... here's another one:

"where there's a Will, there's a way" ... the road from Scotland to London was so trecherous and long, that you could only take the trip if you had a Will made up.

GOLF ... Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden
 
ahhh a will.... hmmm.... you might need one after that Golf statement!
But not really, 'cause the only golf I play is mini golf! ;)
 
:) ... i didn't make it up .. that is what it stands for :) ... but don't worry, i think it's a pretty stupid game too
 
I really dont think I could stand around for 18 holes (or however many there are)... Like I said Mini-golf is it for me!
But every once in a while I have been known to play Hot Shot Golf on PS2 ( I think thats the game)...
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.




Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.




Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have
forgotten?




Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
 
Clean Jokes for the Slightly Twisted Minds

There's a few of these... have fun... all in good fun guys! :D
 
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