Jokes,funnies,whatever. post em
- Thread starter tonymcclellan
- Start date
.don't even joke like that man :|...
Lol. Don't worry. I've got an all time classic...
"Why did the whale cross the road?"
"To get to the other tide"
OH YES
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lol, lame man.
I actually know why the chicken crossed the road. no seriously, i saw it happen!
We were driving one day and had to slam on the breaks as a chicken ran in front of the car, as it ran across the road i turned to see that it was running to another chicken just standing on that side of the road.
So the chicken ran across the road to meet with another chicken! The age old question has been finally answered lol.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word,reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
^^Funny stuff.
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ***** to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Cigarette Warnings
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.
How about something like this:
* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information.
How about something like this:
* Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
* Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
Check your Dirty IQ!
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Lifetime Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Grilling Remarks
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Bus Driver's Parents
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
First Thing to do after Jail
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Home from the Air Force
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bi*ch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bi*ch a dishonorable discharge!"
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bi*ch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bi*ch a dishonorable discharge!"
16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"