Jokes,funnies,whatever. post em
- Thread starter tonymcclellan
- Start date
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and
logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a
yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says . "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up
for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "Wha t's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going
through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the
community college and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions,
who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and
logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a
yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says . "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up
for math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "Wha t's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Why I fired my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a present for
me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."
I thought. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left
for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning,
boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone
had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on
my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and
it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We
dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss,
if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.
I'll be right back."
"OK." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake. followed by my wife and kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."
And, I just sat there.
On the couch.
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be
pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a present for
me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."
I thought. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left
for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning,
boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone
had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on
my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and
it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We
dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss,
if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment.
I'll be right back."
"OK." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake. followed by my wife and kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."
And, I just sat there.
On the couch.
Naked.
For weeks, a couple had been debating buying a vehicle.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise
me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up, so surprise
me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so
the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!
How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a
cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
Strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
Out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up & said,
don't touch me, I'm on disability.!
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so
the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to
Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!
How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a
cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
Strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
Out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up & said,
don't touch me, I'm on disability.!
This was in the Calgary Sun ... the title of the article was "Best
>Comeback Line Ever."
>
>
>In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male,
>resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
>Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
>indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.
>
>The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
>to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
>no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
>stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to
>the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
>to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
>"need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented
>with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to
>notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
>officer Brin Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation,
>that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Ward) and
>he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe
>what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said,
>"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He
>froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ..
>
>"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
>Comeback Line Ever."
>
>
>In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male,
>resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
>Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
>indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.
>
>The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
>to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
>no one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he
>stated in a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to
>the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate
>to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged
>"need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented
>with evident embarrassment. In the process, Ward apparently failed to
>notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
>officer Brin Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation,
>that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Ward) and
>he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe
>what happened when SHE approached Ward. "I just went up and said,
>"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He
>froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, ..
>
>"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told,
he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and
you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he
hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and
he waits patiently(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try somethin I
have heard about . Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"
he is not too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and
you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want,
I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he
hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and
he waits patiently(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try somethin I
have heard about . Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
This took place on a BA (British Airways) flight
between Johannesburg and London. A white woman,
about 50 years old, was seated next to a black
man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the
air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the
hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?"
she responded. "You placed me next to a black man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a
repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be
calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the
places on this flight are taken. I will go to see
if another place is available." The Hostess went
away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other
available seats in the Economy class. I spoke to
the captain and he informed me that there is also
no seat in the business class. All the same, we
still have one place in the first class." Before
the woman could say anything, the hostess
continued: "It is not usual for our company to
permit someone from the economy class to sit in
the first class. However, given the circumstances,
the captain feels that it would be scandalous to
make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black man, and said, "Therefore,
Sir, if you would like to, please collect your
hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were
shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up
and applauded.
This is a true story.
between Johannesburg and London. A white woman,
about 50 years old, was seated next to a black
man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the
air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the
hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?"
she responded. "You placed me next to a black man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a
repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be
calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the
places on this flight are taken. I will go to see
if another place is available." The Hostess went
away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other
available seats in the Economy class. I spoke to
the captain and he informed me that there is also
no seat in the business class. All the same, we
still have one place in the first class." Before
the woman could say anything, the hostess
continued: "It is not usual for our company to
permit someone from the economy class to sit in
the first class. However, given the circumstances,
the captain feels that it would be scandalous to
make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black man, and said, "Therefore,
Sir, if you would like to, please collect your
hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class."
At that moment, the other passengers who were
shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up
and applauded.
This is a true story.
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service
to order some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his
wife one more time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with
sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife
asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah"
"Well he's rich, famous & handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm going to call room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to phone room service
to order some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his
wife one more time. When they finish he's gasping for air and glistening with
sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife
asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole."
The Difference between Guts and Balls
GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next...
GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next...
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
“Nope. Lost it four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“Sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The officer looks at the man, slowly backs away to his car and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of the vehicle please!”
The man steps out. “Is there a problem, officer?”
“One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “That's right. Could you open the trunk of your car for me?”
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car, sir?”
The man says “Yes.” He hands over the registration papers proving it.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”
The man digs in his pocket, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man nods, a sour look on his face. “I bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
“Nope. Lost it four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“Sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The officer looks at the man, slowly backs away to his car and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of the vehicle please!”
The man steps out. “Is there a problem, officer?”
“One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “That's right. Could you open the trunk of your car for me?”
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car, sir?”
The man says “Yes.” He hands over the registration papers proving it.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.”
The man digs in his pocket, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man nods, a sour look on his face. “I bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
Her Diary / His Diary
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
LSU lost today, but at least I got laid.
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
LSU lost today, but at least I got laid.
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
After a long night of making passionate love with the girl of his dreams this guy rolls over and notices a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured.
"No. no. no!!!" She said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy...
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured.
"No. no. no!!!" She said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy...
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Okay, I'm done for the moment.....
PERFECT WOMAN FOR A PERFECT MAN:
1.) I'm gonna swallow it all...I love that taste.
2.) Shouldn't you be in the bar with your friends right now?
3.) You're so sexy when you're drunk.
4.) I don't feel like going shoping, I would rather drink beer and watch basketball with you.
5.) Would you like to watch me making love with my girlfriend?
6.) Let's go to the mall so you can watch other girls asses.
7.) I like it very much how you play football with your friends every sunday. Why don't you do that on saturdays, too?
8.) Darling! Our neighbour's daughter is sunbathing topless again. Come and see!
9.) No, no! I'll take the car to the car repairman!
10.) I perfectly understand you...our anniversary is every year and you need to relax during surfing with your friends.
11.) Hey, let's rent a good porn movie, get a few cans of beer, a few joints and call my friend Cathy for a trisome!
12.) Not to the mall again, let's rather go to the nearest striptease place!
13.) You know what, honey? I earn enough for both of us, so why don't you retire and focus on training for your marathon so that you can win this thing?
14.) If I don't give you a blow job right now, I'm gonna explode!
15.) Are you sure you have enough drinks?
16.) I don't feel like hugging after sex. Let's rather go for a beer or two.
17.) Two pairs of shoes is enough for me. I'll rather buy new winter tires.
18.) You were with another chick? Next time invite me, too.
PERFECT WOMAN FOR A PERFECT MAN:
1.) I'm gonna swallow it all...I love that taste.
2.) Shouldn't you be in the bar with your friends right now?
3.) You're so sexy when you're drunk.
4.) I don't feel like going shoping, I would rather drink beer and watch basketball with you.
5.) Would you like to watch me making love with my girlfriend?
6.) Let's go to the mall so you can watch other girls asses.
7.) I like it very much how you play football with your friends every sunday. Why don't you do that on saturdays, too?
8.) Darling! Our neighbour's daughter is sunbathing topless again. Come and see!
9.) No, no! I'll take the car to the car repairman!
10.) I perfectly understand you...our anniversary is every year and you need to relax during surfing with your friends.
11.) Hey, let's rent a good porn movie, get a few cans of beer, a few joints and call my friend Cathy for a trisome!
12.) Not to the mall again, let's rather go to the nearest striptease place!
13.) You know what, honey? I earn enough for both of us, so why don't you retire and focus on training for your marathon so that you can win this thing?
14.) If I don't give you a blow job right now, I'm gonna explode!
15.) Are you sure you have enough drinks?
16.) I don't feel like hugging after sex. Let's rather go for a beer or two.
17.) Two pairs of shoes is enough for me. I'll rather buy new winter tires.
18.) You were with another chick? Next time invite me, too.