Fiera's Diary

The good: I made a year-end decision and have come to accept that cash savings is going to drop below my target. With acceptance comes peace. I have been making myself crazy over ways to access cash without compromising my set aside funds toward a new house. My realtor gave me some peace about it now that the market frenzy has subsided. I agonize sometimes over making the optimal decision. When there are too many scenarios you cannot sometimes leave yourself in the position to address them all. Sometimes you have to choose, and then move on. Today I made a solid decision. I will choose to celebrate that.

The bad: I had to throw out an entire steak because I didn't know whether it was still good. My sense of smell still hasn't returned, though sometimes I can smell a little bit. Sometimes I get "ghost" whiffs which aren't reliable. Anyway, I have this reverence about meat, I try not to ever throw any out. I am sorry, cow. Initially I thought it was OK and I grilled it with rubbing spices. Made a couple of nice tacos. But I got a couple of strange sniffs and uncertain tastes and that was it. If Proggy was around he could have sniffed it for me.

I also realized that if there is a gas leak or fire I won't be able to smell it. I was hoping it would come back but it has been 6 months now. Maybe I will check with the specialist but I don't think they can do anything.

Reminds me I need to see if an ultrasound opened up. And need to cancel Proggy's plane ticket.
 
Fiera said:
I also realized that if there is a gas leak or fire I won't be able to smell it. I was hoping it would come back but it has been 6 months now. Maybe I will check with the specialist but I don't think they can do anything.
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Please make sure to check your smoke detectors regularly! Just in case you haven't seen it yet here's some links for anosmia support https://gcchemosensr.org/patient-orgs/
 
Accountability Tracker Day 24
B: Egg (70) Emuf (120) Spinach/Evoo (75) = 265
L: Turkey Wrap = 500
D: 2HotDogs (220) bun (150) ketchup (20) salad (40) tj granola bar (140) = 570
Snack: SF Choc Pudding (60)
Total: 1395
Activity: 1.3dw (105), Cleaning lady pickup/put away
Net: 1290
M/S: 8A, 3:30P
Sleep: 10-4 Might have woken up for a few in there
 
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Up early, being productive in short spurts, then coming back to coffee. Legit tummy rumbles this morning. Feels nice to be able to stop eating long enough that my body gets a chance to re-learn what legitimate actual hunger signals (not brain-cravings of addiction) feel like. NSV.

The breakfast plan is egg, fresh sautéed spinach in evoo, toasted 1/2 eng muffin. Have been skipping butter on my toast most of the time. When you are paying attention to the real flavors of food, you don't really need it.

Hand washed the 12' long runner rug in the utility tubinthe basement. It has not been cozy down there this year, even after I caulked around those windows. Upon investigation just now I found a lot of air coming in through the back door, Makes sense as it is wood and it and the frame have been exposed to elements and also a little flooding over the past years. Gosh, I honestly have been figuring out so much since my anxiety calmed down enough for me to really start assessing the problems and coming up with band-aids. If/when we get back up over 40 degrees for 24 hours I can try caulking the frame and installing rubber or foam strips along the jamb. I hate being in this position but I really didn't know where the problem areas were until it got cold out.

I also did some troubleshooting of my whole-house humidifier, which developed a significant intermittent rattle in the fan. That one is going to require a disassembly of the entire fan unit, and a thorough cleaning. It's an Sears old unit, I mean like 40 years old, from when things were made to last. I have had it off for 72 hours and the humidity in the house is 27% and my hands are dry and cracking. I'd like to get it back in service today but this might take an actual appliance repair shop. I sure don't want to have to replace it if I can avoid it.

Cleaning lady coming today, in 2 hours so I had better get cracking. Ugh. Ever since COVID I usually leave the house for the 4 hours. I don't mind that. I just wish I was already done picking everything up, putting laundry away etc. OK I am going....
 
Fiera said:
I honestly have been figuring out so much since my anxiety calmed down enough for me to really start assessing the problems and coming up with band-aids.
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That's great. And being able to feel your body again? Definitely an NSV!
 
I decided to take the time during Cleaning Lady to make a run up to Dad's "local" house to fetch a jacket he forgot to take snowbirding. Local being about 40 miles one way. I brought KDog. Of course when I got there, I couldn't find the Ranger duffel bag in the garage which he said had the jacket. I took pictures of his various gear bags and texted them and then opened all the duffels up anyway. Nope. I looked in the hallway coat closet. Texted and sent photos of all the coats. Nope. I called and tried to pick his brain. Then I overheard Peaches from the other room (1500 miles away), oh, here it is!" Cue "The Price is Right" 'busted' sad horn sound effect.

I didn't stick around like I had planned because the winterized house was cold and dark and lifeless. Instead I started heading towards home. Luckily the idea struck me to take a chance and divert over and surprise my old dear friend EF, who is back in the office now most days. We chatted for a bit and then took her usual daily lunch walk with the office manager and of course KDog. It was so delightful catching up a bit. She is chosen family and any time I see her it feels like a warm hug. We missed our usual Thxgiving weekend this year. "You made my week!" she exclaimed as we were saying goodbye. Honestly, I am so blessed, and I thank the Universe for reminding me. Sometimes I feel so broken and friends like that make me feel my worth again.

I am making lots of chicken breasts which will get KDog through 8 days at the sitter starting Monday night. I am rapidly getting to a point where the chores/to-do's will be caught up and I might have a genuine, real free day for Proggy on Sunday. which is good because I think he is in need of some attention.
 
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Oh, and I got an appointment for bloodwork. It has been a little over 2 years and my doc quit taking insurance and moved to concierge services. So very expensive but he won't throw pills at problems. I was pre-diabetic 2 years ago and am 20 pounds heavier now, so I have to see what the tests say.

I have tried to fimd another integrative medicine doctor in my network but I am picky and the pandemic has made it even more challenging. So this is an approach which will at least get me back on track as far as monitoring my health.
 
Accountability Tracker Day 25
B: Eng Muff w btr (170); spinach/evoo (50); egg (70) = 290
L: Egg+White (87) Mayo (50) Brd (110) = 247 2:40P
D: Proggy Special Dinner: Foccacia, Fr Calamari, Salad (Crmy Garlic), Mushrm Ravioli In Cream Sauce, Frutti Di Mare Linguini = 2300
Snk: Pita Chips / Brie Bite = 400
Tot: 3237
Activity: 2dw (160)
Net: 3077
M/S: 9:45A, 2:30P
Sleep: 10:30 8 donut hole maybe an hour?

Weight 174.5. Being under 175 a couple of days feels like undeniable evidence of progress. I will be happy to get under 170 and hit that first milestone.
 
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I don't actually know how many calories were in that dinner last night. I made an educated guess.

I don't know why I just decided to enjoy the special occasion and not worry about calories. But I had no intention and no plan other than to enjoy it.

I do know that it was delicious and decadent and I don't feel the least bit sorry about it.

I do know that Proggy's late evening snack sparked my own unnecssary visit to the kitchen and snack.
I do know that I am not exercising enough to make it easy to offset a big day calories like this.
I do know that I am also too busy to go walk 5 miles today (at least as of right now)
I do know that leftovers are a sabotage and I need to freeze them where possible.
I do know that with portion control and skipping the late night snack I could have easily trimmed 800 calories off my day without missing out. Something to consider as I go through the next several days working to get back the ground I gave up.

I think the next week will inform me of whether I believe "treat" (guiltless) days are actually Ok and a normal part of a healthy life. Overall I would rather be able to have some joy and be able to manage the consequences in a healthy way than to spend every single day feeling like I can ever let loose a bit. But we will see!

A positive development (I think)...Proggy and I agreed that we would rather eat out less and spend more money on high end dinners when we do. I know that we can do better on the grocery budget but some of his ideas don't work for me (like those dried ramen cups). I hate food waste and the constant situation with him spending so much time at my house and trying to keep foods and juice he likes - plus food for his lunches - was resulting in a very unfair impact to my own grocery budget and some things going uneaten because it was hard to plan. Also, I was spending time making him breakfast lunch and dinner and extra laundry - time I have reclaimed. No wonder I feel so much happier without him here, I told my therapist yesterday that I see myself as one of those people would be happiest with one of those relationships where you each own your own place next door to each other in the trailer park. Or maybe a two flat or in-law arrangement. With my 15 year relationship, it was fine when he worked nights and it was never the same once he worked days - and certainly strained when he wasn't working at all and was home every minute of my life.

It does stink that it is more expensive to live as a single person but thats the price it costs to have my peace. Even when PAG was living here as a tenant it was difficult on my peace. Yet I feel isolated and unsafe when I go too long without human companionship/visitors. LOL. I don't mean to be complicated. Maybe I just want what I want when I want it. Maybe I have spent so much time putting other people's needs first that I just want to be selfish and tend to my own now. Maybe I just need to do that for a while. Maybe I just need to get used to listening to my heart more.

These ponderings of the mind are useful but it's time to get up and do some pre-trip tasks while Proggy is still asleep.
 
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Accountability Tracker Day 26
B: Eng Muf w Btr = 160
L / D: Steak burrito, rice/beans, pico de gallo = 1700
Snack: Leftover focaccia, mushrooms in cream sauce = 600
Tot: 2460
Act: 0.75dw (60)
Net: 2400
M/S: 9:30A, 2:30P
Sleep: 10:15-5:30

Ok.I knew those leftovers needed to go in the freezer and I didn't get around to it. Then when I was wanting ice cream for a snack, or chocolate, and had neither available, I went grazing. Clearly eating "Linner" at 2:30 didnt hold me.

Failed planning and failed execution, My head has not been in the game the past few days. Get back, Fiera.
 
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Accountability Tracker Day 27:
B: Egg (70), spinach evoo (50), toast (110) butter (50) = 280
L: Bread (110), Btr (75), turkey (60) cheddar (110) = 355
S: Hot Choc
D: 1800 (400)
Total: 2835
Act: w-Ftown (40)
Net: 2795
M/S: 7:30 / 12:30
Sleep: 10P-1,2:30-6?

Challenge: Proggy's, he wants the Piggery for dinner, I can do a salad and a grilled chicken breast sand maybe....I think everything there is slathered in oil. I will have half tonight and the other half for tomorrow so I don't have to cook while packing.

Outcome = F
 
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Ok. What a distaster. First I succombed to Proggys habit of having a hot chocolate while we were out walking in FTown in the cold. I could have had a black coffee. Even without whipped cream that tasted pretty sugary; estimate 400 calories instead of zero.

I knew after that I had only 100 calories left for dinner which wasn't realistic. I encouraged him to pick what he wanted for pickup dinner (2nd time this weekend) and he chose the piggery and I just made sure he had salad and dressing at home.

Of course the problem was:

(a) Proggy plated up food for both of us and rather than unplating half I took the entirety into the living room. Leaving half in the kitchen would have created some space
(b) The lettuce was pulled out of the fridge but it was just too easy to say eff it and not bother to wash and dry it and make up a salad when a full plate of yummy dinner was ready to go
(c) Once I was that far along I just gave in and didn't look back

I cannot trust myself to make good choices. Being around Proggy and eating out is the worst, And now I am off to visit my Dad who wants to eat out all the time too.

Well, nobody forces me to put food in my mouth. I was a willing participant. Some day I pray I wil get sick of my enough of my limitations to keep my goals top of mind when there is delicious and plentiful food in front of me.

It is a rather low morning after 3 days of sprees.

I have to pack today. Part of that is finding clothes that will fit. Maybe this will sober me up.
 
LaMaria said:
Halving restaurant portions and adding a simple green salad for volume is often a great solution.
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It was a great idea that I totally failed in execution. 😭 I can make plans all day long; I don't know how to keep my plan front and center in the heat of the moment.

Its a battle between impulse behavior and discipline perhaps.

I remember marathon training teaching me about discipline. It didn't matter whether I felt like going for a run or not because I didn't even allow myself to think about it. The only decision was to look at the hour by hour weather/wind forecast and let that inform a plan of what time and where that days' would take place. I knew if I followed the plan then I would be able to achieve the goal.

I do have a plan here too, but maybe I am not taking this seriously enough. Maybe whereas the marathon had a fixed date, a coach, and a rather public commitment, this one isn't concrete enough. And it also helps to surround yourself with others who are working towards the same goal...so maybe some kind of support group (beyond this board, i/r/l).
 
Irl support is definitely helpful. But also: make it easy for yourself. Prep that salad ahead of time so all you have to do when the food comes is toss the premeasured dressing on. Any drinks that aren't zero calorie are basically a waste when you don't have a lot of calories to work with. They don't fill you up and they don't give you any valuable nutrition. But you can still do this. The discipline you needed for marathon prep probably took a while to build up to as well.
 
Checking in from Dad's. Today was our fishing trip. It was an emotional day. A very special trip we had been trying to fulfill for 5 years, (there was a medical event one time, a guide cancelled one time, and then the pandemic shut things down). I am so glad we got to go, but it was so hard for him physically that his safety was at risk. It is so hard seeing him struggle and lose his ability to do things he has always loved. I am happy and sad altogether, and when I got a free hour I went out and processed some of my feelings. Going to consult some teachings on Impermanence which have helped me from time to time.

The weather cooperated and it was a beautiful day.

Eating a lot but making healthier choices. Walked 3M yesterday. Doing OK on sleep, M/S. Lunch tomorrow w my aunt/uncle and hockey game in the evening.
 
Checking in again. Sat was a bit of a sh*tshow, Dad had a health problem and the dog rescue meet and greet wasn't (spent an hour chasing bad information botn dad and his gf have been taking about for 5-6 weeks). We didn't get to go to mobility store. But I learned a lot about dad's condition. I reached out to a nurse cousin. I made my dad tuna macaroni salad which he really loved. I fished for an hour and caught a couple of bass. And later we did make it to 2nd hockey game. I met a childrens book author (and purchased her book). I had a nice little chat with the seatmate neighbor Frank. The new VIP parking pass we got for my dad to use when the handicapped spots are full worked out great. We got on the arena big screen.

Today was pretty good. Dad got on board with doing something I wanted to do - visit a wildlife refuge - once I found a way for us to do it as a tram / guided ride. I packed lunch which we had with so that we didn't need to worrry about crowds or getting into a restaurant in a timely fashion. It worked out really great. Dad even pushed onward to C----- and then over to the lighthouse for a quick photo, then over to see the development changes. Back at the house, he napped and I got to use the pool - finally - and just be present - for the space of 2 hours.

I have had very little time to process thoughts and feelings. Instead of gaining clarity on my life at home, that all has been pushed aside and a house of other thoughts and feelings have arisen. It's all feeling disjointed and unmanageable. I said to Proggy that I will need a vacation from my vacation. I don't know how to have my cake and eat it too; I have to make some decisions and choices.

Eating isn't awful. I have made some decent choices. I haven't been able to get enough exercise. I am less willing to leave my dad alone for long. I find I am becoming more attached to this place. I have been visiting him in this area at least a dozen times now. Today we were trading memories - the crab legs place, the place by the bridge, he even told me he was at S------- with my mom once on a vacation. We sang songs. We hung out. I get teary knowing that there is an expiration date to all this.

It occurred to me today that one of the most meaningful phrases in the English language is "Remember the time we _________? It connotates a relationship with individual or persons with whom you have a history, an intimacy, who know you and validate your experience, They remember details that maybe you don't, or are fuzzy on. It makes one feel seen, known, accepted, comfortable. And I realized once again that people are the only source to make me feel ok, feel not alone, or invisible/abandoned/rejected. And I am sad and a bit afraid of what it's going to feel like when my Dad is not longer around.

Lots of details left out but that's top of mind stuff. Back to reality on Tues morning. Not remotely ready to leave.
 
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