Fiera's Diary

[Llama]

I called to challenge and they basically entered none of the history into their system when I first came over a year ago.

Wow, that's not good! Kudos to you for keeping your eyes open and your brain engaged but that burden should not fall on you.

I just wish I had clarity - about ANYTHING. It feels like nothing is solid.

Anxiety sucks. Uncertainty sucks. It gets better again but until then it sucks and I'm sorry.

 

[Fiera]

Once I got home, had a bite, and leaned in to caulking, it was kind of fun and the anxiety disappeared. It was overcast and not as warm as I expected. There wasn't room for perfectionism or self criticism; it was me, trying to do something - anything - to cut down the air leaks. I know it doesn't look professional but...oh well. I did see some improvement in my technique from the first to the last. The postman helped me figure out what I was doing wrong with the caulk gun.

Once I got started I found all kinds of opportunities to caulk many more places than I realized. It looks like we will get a bonus night at or above the minimum temperature so I will go buy more caulk tomorrow and get my stepladder out for round two.

Tonight I am having a well earned cozy dinner and some tv for now while I warm up and recover. Later I will update the to-do list before I go out of town. Thinking I will have someone come get the mail and check on the house. Oh and maybe I can get that history summary done for the gyno. I think I will just list dates and procedures and annual screening results in a list/table format. They have the paper documents they just act paralyzed if something isn't in the computer.

 

[Fiera]

Wow, that's not good! Kudos to you for keeping your eyes open and your brain engaged but that burden should not fall on you.

Anxiety sucks. Uncertainty sucks. It gets better again but until then it sucks and I'm sorry.

Thanks LaMa

 

[Llama]

Sounds like an active, efficient day. No better way to combat anxiety (other than therapy and meds of course). Definitely no better way to distract from cravings.

 

[Fiera]

Sounds like an active, efficient day. No better way to combat anxiety (other than therapy and meds of course). Definitely no better way to distract from cravings.

Definitely!

Also, I want to celebrate that I feel like I am ever-so-slightly feeling improvement in my ability to move my body. I think there is less gut bulk/inflammation and also daily activity is naturally doing its part.

Some other positive things. I see that W just celebrated 3 years of sobriety. I could probably reach out now and congratulate him and he'd be happy to hear from me and not disturbed. He has a girlfriend now and seems to be doing well. I think it might be harder on me right now, being in a place where I have fallen so far. I guess I am living in a state of shame and I appreciate the Universe revealing this to me. I will just silently celebrate his milestone and know that I helped make a difference.

The gyno office got back to me and asked for the records (again) and absent that they will go ahead and do a colposcopy. I am up early and so will try to knock that out if I can. It would be good to do before year end and take advantage of insurance deductible being met. Some days I feel ready to just have a hysterectomy and then I will be rid of my troubles. What stops me is the increased odds of bladder incontinence when they take the uterus out.

OK I am off to look for those records.

 

[Llama]

Also, I want to celebrate that I feel like I am ever-so-slightly feeling improvement in my ability to move my body. I think there is less gut bulk/inflammation and also daily activity is naturally doing its part.

That´s a great start regardless of what the scale says. Feeling a little better usually makes it better to do a little better and so on.

I guess I am living in a state of shame and I appreciate the Universe revealing this to me. I will just silently celebrate his milestone and know that I helped make a difference.

What a lovely positive way to deal with something that clearly affected you.

Some days I feel ready to just have a hysterectomy and then I will be rid of my troubles. What stops me is the increased odds of bladder incontinence when they take the uterus out.

Oof. If I could just snap my fingers and have the whole thing gone with no side-effects mine would´ve been gone before I was 25! And mine is generally healthy...

 

[Cate]

I stuffed up my post so have to start over.
Like you, I feel I am regaining some mobility & it is such a relief. I had a hysterectomy 26 years ago & have had no trouble at all.

 

[Fiera]

Day 17 Accountability
B: Egg+White (87) Toast (110) Butter (40) = 237
L: McD 2 Reg Burgers (500) Sm Fries (230) = 730 ( totally thought this was less)
D: Crescent Roll (200), Pork Tenderloin (120), Beans (40), Noodles (350) = 710
Total: 1677
Activity: 1dw (60) Work on house (160) = 220
Net: 1457
M/S: 10A, 8P
Sleep: 10P-4A

 

[Fiera]

Hi Cate and LaMa, thanks for visiting, Cate I am glad to hear that your didn't have any trouble after your hysterectomy. I for sure don't want to do anything until I drop a lot of weight. It will make the procedure and recovery both easier.

I am not sure whether I am estimating activity very well. I was doing a huge list of things today but being busy and being physically active are not the same thing. Gyne records was about 3 hours to go thru and prepare a summary for the current doc/team. Then therapy, Then hardware. Lunch. All of that is baseline noise. Dog walk Ok. Did on the house but much of that was stationary like cutting and applying flashing tape. I showed Proggy how to use the leaf vac and he took care of the leaves off the front lawn. Got ladder out of attic and did some caulking etc. Put tools in and out of house and garage. Made dinner, put away dishes. But in the end, in spite of the fact that I have a "good ache" and feel tired, it's not exactly like I was doing cardio.

I would like recommendations on a Calories Burned estimator for various activities which factors in your gender, weight, and age.

I was pretty hungry and went ahead and had some extra calories at dinner. I hope I burned more than I thought.

 

[Llama]

There are lists for estimating calories onlinebut I don't think they go into as much detail as height/weight/gender. It probably depends mostly on how accustomed to the movement you are, how strenuous it feels, and your muscle mass to weight ratio.

 

[Fiera]

Day 18 Accountability
B: Raisin toast w btr (145), 1/2 tj quiche (210) = 355
L: 1/2 Turkey/Provolone (260), Homemade cranberry (150) = 410
D: 2 NA beer (230) 1 bratwurst (1 bread, 2 links), (500) = 730
D2: Flatbread (300), Salad (50) = 350
Snacks (kettle corn + popcorn) = 300
Total In: 2145
Activity 0.6dw (35); transit (40) kmarket 3.5h (100) = 175*
NET: 1970
M/S 1st day of 3 doses, last 7:22P
Sleep: 8h ish

Will be back tmrw to calculate rest and comment on day.
Have been really productive and knocking things off to do list past few days. Feels great to be more on top of my game.

 

[Fiera]

Trouble getting to sleep and woke up 2A and not getting back to sleep. Medication adjustment and took 3rd dose late.

Taking opportunity to revisit shapesense!com data:
F52,5'2,176
RMR: 1612 (Baseline cals burned incl food digestion but not phys activity)

Great explanatory articles on BMR/RMR, net/gross calorie burn. Essentially I want to track RMR plus NET activity cals. Avoids double counting RMR cals burned during activity.

Most sites are sloppy or unclear in their methodology and this one nails it. Happy to be reminded of these details and how I did this in the past. If feels like a missing puzzle piece has been found.

Also 1612 is a lot of cals to work with. Assuming I laid on couch all day and never moved, a 500 calorie per day deficit would be 1112 calories I could eat and lose a pound per week. This seems very similar to the NET calorie target I had back in the day. I knew then (and now) that just with incidental motion - household movement, light housekeeping, going to store in car, etc - I will burn a bit more; this should help me a lose a bit faster than 1 pound per week initially. There is a bit of psychology for me in thinking about it this way.

Now I can use the site tools to estimate NET activity cals for purposeful exercise, vigorous household chores, a long busy day of shopping/sightseeing etc. (Maybe someday dancing will be back on that list.)

A 1m dw at 22min/mile and my stats is 108 gross and 83 net. I have been using 60 so I can nudge that up.

Of course as weight comes RMR will decline (at 138, RMR=1431) But then it will also be less urgent to take weight off so it all works out in the end.

 

[Llama]

Most sites are sloppy or unclear in their methodology and this one nails it. Happy to be reminded of these details and how I did this in the past. If feels like a missing puzzle piece has been found.

Very true. I'm a lot more laissez-faire about my movement/exercise calories but if you are trying to be precise these are definitely things you have to watch.

Maybe someday dancing will be back on that list.

I hope so! Joyful movement is best movement.

Of course as weight comes RMR will decline (at 138, RMR=1431) But then it will also be less urgent to take weight off so it all works out in the end.

What a lovely, sensible way of looking at it.

 

[Fiera]

Wow have I been busy busy busy and I really feel like the meds are working. Yippee! For the first time in ages I feel like I am moving past the overwhelm and taking action to manage my own life. I have energy to do things and my cognition and clarity is better.

I had a check in with the meds doc yesterday and she asked about side effects (I have tinnitus). She asked if I am sweating more - not that I noticed, though I am not getting much cardio. Maybe my armpits. I mentioned the total cessation of hot flashes and that I could not find a link in the literature to tie that to this med.

I got the gyno feedback and read some more protocols involving test results like mine and got comfortable around rechecking in a year.

Today I did the finally sweep of the cougar sighting areas (with pepper spray) and of course found no tracks or other evidence, I did not expect to, but I had to try. Now that chapter is closed. Sad trombone.

Proggy decided not to come to FL with me which simplifies things. He needs a vacation but we are going to look at other options for after he has a job.

I had a nice talk with my brother today. He is going to look into trying to get over to visit when I am at my Dad's, he may have some friends heading to the area over the weekend. I hate that car rental rates are so crazy. Who would have ever thought they would become unaffordable? I looked at a single day rental for Proggy to go see his friend and it was $300 for one day. The pandemic really has hosed everything up. I wonder if it is as challenging in other countries as here, where the major rental companies sold off the bulk of all their cars to avoid going out of,business.

I need to do an accountability tracker for today. The last few days it has been getting lost until the evening and that is a recipe for starting to miss a day or forget some things.

 

[Fiera]

Day 19 Accountability
B: Egg+white (87), Salsa (10), Tortilla (100) = 197
L: Burger (650), Salad/Green Itall dressing (100) = 750
D: Napoli Pizza (sooooooo good) = 800
Total: 1747IN
Activity: 1.5h cougar tracks (120), basement items toss (20) = 140 net cals
Net: 1507
M/S: 12N, 6P Going to try 3 again tomorrow, started too late today.
Sleep: Terrible. 11:30-2; 5:30-8:30 Was that 3rd pill, which I took at 7:22P

 

[Llama]

Great to hear that the meds are working and you're not experiencing side effects!
300$ a day really is No idea what the prices are like here though: we have a solid network of public transport across most of the country.

 

[Cate]

Car rental prices & house rental & sale prices have gone crazy in Tasmania I know. You may as well say we don't have public transport. It's pathetic.

 

[Fiera]

Day 20 Accountability
B: Bread (90) egg (70) cheese (80) banana (110) = 350 11A
L: 2C Green Beans (62), honey ginger drsg (45) = 107 3P
D: Seafood Paella (510); PB 1/2 Bread (160) ) = 670 3:40P
S: PB 1/2 Bread (160), Pita Chips (150) Cheese (60) = 370
Total IN: 1497
Activity: 0.9dw(70), groceries
Net: 1427
M/S: 9:30A; 2P (started wanting to eat while unpacking groceries)
Sleep: 9:30-12:30 (Kdog) 2:30-8:45 Caught up!

 

[Fiera]

I am happy that, though my scale says my water % is low, the number is under 176. I woke up today feeling rested and refreshed. It's getting ever so slightly easier to do things, movements, sitting down next to KDog, or getting up off the couch, or climbing into the car, or yesterday when I had to climb up the river embankment. I am eager to continue experiencing these little micro-freedoms along the journey, as they bring much joy and positive reinforcement.

Its a Sunday morning and Proggy is home where I sent him yesterday as I need some space to work on financial stuff before the phone call tomorrow. So, even though I slept in, I can enjoy some nice peaceful wakeup time at my own pace. I will take KDog for a walk after her breakfast (chicken breasts are in the oven and she gets a bit with each meal). Then hit the books after brunch.

The glory of a slow lingering wake-up like this, among other things, is the ease with which I can combine breakfast and lunch into one nicely sized lunch which will readily tide me over until dinner time. Maybe I find it easier to have larger meals than smaller meals which leave you wanting to snack again in a few hours.

Today I plan to eat particularly clean after a few days of sport food heavily influenced by Proggy. This includes both the beer and sausage at a winter market Friday (planned treat), coupled with kettle corn/popcorn and flatbread later (unplanned, and he was hungry, I wasn't). Then burgers for lunch yesterday. The Napoli pizza had come up in conversation earlier Friday but the sourcing of it after my time looking for cougar tracks was all me - he had gone home after lunch.

Overall, a key to my success has been keeping Proggy's snack foods out of the house since he is no longer staying here all the time. No chips, no dips, no wafer cookies, etc. The other key is this medicine, which silences the food cravings, and my life is no longer controlled by food addiction.

And, I firmly believe that the difference for me is being on the standard and not the time release version of this medication. My body must process it differently. Maybe I absorb it better, or maybe it leaves my system better and doesn't build up so badly. Maybe the extended version feeds anxiety, esp at the higher dose I was on. Anyway it is working and I am so grateful to my new doc for listening.

 

[Llama]

Sounds like a glorious day. Those are some great Non-Scale Victories! I can't deal with fasting but if larger meals spaced further apart work for you there's no reason why not.