Fiera's Diary

At least among the hedgerows there's generally not a lot of oncoming traffic and you drive slowly... Vertigo while driving would be terrifying anywhere, I think. By the way, I don't know US law but here if your insurance company found out you knew about the risk beforehand and you drove anyway they'd probably have a good chance at not having to pay for any damages.

The raised BP could well have been due to excess sodium and water after your binge and should normally go down again after a day or two.
 
You need to be selective with your thoughts. Put some effort into at, at least as much as you expend deciding what kind of wine to bring to a dinner party.

You need to ask people what they NEED. Stop figuring out what you think they need.

Authenticity is the key to becoming comfortable in your own skin.

Value people who laugh with you. A sense of humor can get you through a lot of challenges in life.

Surround yourself with people who you aspire to become.

Be as kind to yourself as you would to a stranger.

Forgive.

Make time for yourself.

Just a few things on my mind this evening,

Well that, and my struggle with fuzzy headedness. (Allergies again)?

Some things which made me happy today:

1. Opthamologist says 1 eye is totally clear and the other is almost there. 3 more weeks of the steroids, but now I also am starting restasis for dryness. If it works, maybe I will get to try to wear contact lenses again. That would be exciting! Also next visit we recheck my prescription and then I can get new glasses made.

2. I talked to Riley and tossed some stuff out of my fridge, Junk I won in the raffle.

3. I returned a couple of things then I dropped off some donations and sold a few DVD's. What didn't sell I took straight to charity along with a box of miscellaneous household goods.

4. I went through and cleaned out old cosmetics and prescriptions, and organized what remains, This of course will make it easier to find things as well as getting ride of too many duplicates (too many emery boards, hair clips, ponytail holders, floss, etc.

5. I am trying to follow the practice my PT guy told me about, "stage" the room when you leave it.

6. I wasn't on the phone much today. Calls or texts. Got so much more done.

7. Weather was wonderful!

8. OK I go to sleep now. 😄 zzzzzzzzzz.....
 
Had a brilliant conversation w the meds dr. today. What a validating experience to speak w a woman who knows what I am talking about! Down to the shorter eyelashes and change in skin odor/protective barrier! So, hormones are moving front and center into the investigative process.

Got some locally made tofu from the Asian market and seaweed salad. So yummy, had that for dinner.

Took a walk w KDog on the lakefront this morning. The windows are open and it will be nice out tomorrow as well.

Vet says KDog has a likely urinary/kidney infection (white blood cells in urine) so ran over and got antibiotics to get her started. Maybe that will perk her up.

S called earlier, after about 45 mins she seemed like she had a handle on what to do next. She should be passing thru here sometime between Saturday and Monday. Hopefully Monday.

AN is coming with me to a concert tomorrow night.

Jax and Ian will be in town this weekend but I will be at my dad's Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon. It just feels like I have too much going and I will have to miss them. I can't push myself when I am finally getting some energy back.

Allergies are sucking today so I have been a bit drowsy all afternoon. I took a Zyrtec. Maybe a Benadryl in a bit.

Feeling like I am getting to a better place.
 
Fiera said:
What a validating experience to speak w a woman who knows what I am talking about!
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That is SO valuable in a doctor. Fingers crossed she'll be able to help!
Fiera said:
It just feels like I have too much going and I will have to miss them. I can't push myself when I am finally getting some energy back.
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You can't dance on all weddings (or so say the Germans). Enjoy what you can do.
Fiera said:
Feeling like I am getting to a better place.
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Yay! That's lovely to hear .
 
Well, a bit emotionally distressed (temporarily) so turning here.

Back home from Dad's. This is a Saturday; I stayed overnight because I had an MRI appointment at that hospital this morning. Went out to dinner with Peaches and Twirly Friday night, lunch out with Dad Sat. After, we stopped at a farmstand where I picked up sweet corn, a butternut squash (yay, fall veggies) and a pumpkin-gourd which was super cute.

I had a great time with AN at the concert Thursday (and afterwards at my place) He said that he had a really great time and he reiterated that the next day. I was so happy. It felt like old times. He always feels like an old, warm blanket.

Today he shared that he was struggling. It had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his everyday battles. I ended up deleting what I wrote here and moving it offline. Only going to say I have gone from feeling happy and open spend more time with him and see what might be possible; to seeing the roiling painful and tragic bits still in place which led to me breaking it off several years back. Worse than before even, as they have become more firmly entrenched and the years are passing.

So now I am feeling sad. I am also triggered because I realize that in his current state he isn't able to be present with me or for me. The concert evening was just an escape and it was partly alcohol which allowed him to escape his daily reality long enough to just be present with me for an evening. We both enjoyed our time. I got to see some of the parts of him that I adore, briefly. His humor, his openness, his sharp mind, his brilliant smile. Well, we talked about getting together to play guitar and there also is an Old Club reunion coming up in about a week where we might get together to cook dinner beforehand. So will see if we can replicate the vibe sans alcohol. But do I want to spend my time and heart getting mixed up with him? Should I not just focus on what I want for me? It feels like all the air got sucked out of the room.

Separately, S kindof irritated me today. I will give her the benefit of the doubt that she really just wanted to give me time to rest. I just deleted an entire paragraph about that as well. It has generally just been a couple of bumpy hours in the interpersonal relationship department. I decided that tomorrow I will go meet the dog rescue people, that will be fun, they are an affable bunch.
 
Sometimes being everyone's agony aunt is a rough and thankless job and the more superficial interactions of people who don't know you as well are more rewarding. It's so hard to have to give up a wanted relationship and feeling like you have to do it again is even rougher. There's a reason people turn to you though: you're obviously a loving, caring, sensible person. I hope you're able to use all those qualities for yourself as well.
 
Thank you Llama. You are so kind and supportive.

Today is a Good Day. I went to the dog rescue meetup. Saw some friendly faces I have been part of a same community with, though not necessarily friends with, for up to 25 years. KDog got her fill of sniffs wags and treats. She is sleeping so soundly,

On the way home I went to the piercing parlor and got my glass temporaries removed and the real pieces put back in (MRI).

I left all the sweets on the table at the meetup, I did have some coffee and accordingly I feel happy and energized (for the moment). I didn't have lunch until 1:30ish and that was sweet potato, seaweed salad, and frittata (no cheese). After talking keto with AN and seeing the results, I feel motivated to really shift away from carbs. I feel today like the inflammation has abated (I had to take Benadryl last night, my allergies were flaring up - pollen food or both). It feels good to be having a good day. No, it feels great! I am bouncing up and down stairs out to cook on the grill, do laundry, etc.

Also very happy to not have any phone calls. I might go to a book club meeting tonight, not sure, I like getting organized, I like being able to focus, I like the fact that I am only a week away of being out of Obese and into the Overweight BMI category.
 
That sounds like a good day, Fiera. Being everyone's agony aunt is very draining. Only a week away from being out of the obese range & into overweight is a lovely feeling. Good for you :)
 
The rescue meetup sounds lovely for both you and K-dog 😍 Yay for more energy and less inflammation! People may talk shit about dropping "water weight" but for me the loss of bloat makes the biggest difference in well-being. Great news that you're do close to veing out of the obese category as well!
 
Today was a Good Day. But now I am tired and muddled again.

I made it to my crown appointment (the first one with all the drilling) then over to pick up donation items from JS up north in the next county, then stopped at a botanic garden for "lunch and linger" before coming home. The day was magnificent, crisp and cool with bright sunshine - my absolute favorite. Took lots of pics and found a woolly bear caterpillar wandering around.

Now I am tired. S is in the hometown and having trouble deciding what to do and where to go by the day, hour, and minute. She has largely leaned on other friends but she called me for about 1/2 hour and it was more spinning and asking about my schedule for tomorrow. So I gave her a time window during which I can spend up to 2 hours visiting. Even that I will find taxing as I had already agreed to give a couple of hours to AN.

My test results are mostly in and the good news is the MRI of my brain came back normal with no differences noted from 2 years ago. My Iron is super low but not technically out of range, which may account for some things; doc says worth trying to get an IV infusion to get back up to speed more quickly. So now that involves a new doc, a hematologist. It's getting confusing and tiring and everyone wants all the same information, family history and all that. I still have to find a neurologist.

A couple of other things popped up in testing which might be a chicken and egg thing but which have to be addressed. It's becoming a full time job and I am starting to really recognize that I just cannot be there for other people right now the way I would like.

It is also an interesting process to see where my priorities fall out when my time/energy ("timergy"?) is limited. Doing dog rescue stuff continues to light up my heart. I am recognizing that some of it has to do with feeling like I belong to a community - everyone is so nice - and I just feel more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it's also because there is never a lull in the conversation because the dogs and their antics keep us all entertained. It is simple and uncomplicated and that is what I need to keep my blood pressure down.

Also, I cannot believe prices of things. I am spending oodles of money right now on health care and I would rather be spending it on say....a vacation...or a massage....or another dog. My crown today was crazy expensive, though hopefully I will get half of that back. Yet, I am grateful that I don't feel panicked yet as I am sure that a lot of people are extremely worried this time.

It seems like a good idea to accelerate purchases before prices go up further.
 
Great to hear the mri stayed the same.
Fiera said:
A couple of other things popped up in testing which might be a chicken and egg thing but which have to be addressed. It's becoming a full time job and I am starting to really recognize that I just cannot be there for other people right now the way I would like.
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Just wondering: what happens when you ask those people for their help? Do they step up and help or do they dither and wither? Are they real friends if you expect it's the latter?
Fiera said:
It's getting confusing and tiring and everyone wants all the same information, family history and all that.
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Would it be helpful to write those things down and bring them along to read from so you don't have to dig through your memory for them every time?
 
Llama said:
Just wondering: what happens when you ask those people for their help? Do they step up and help or do they dither and wither? Are they real friends if you expect it's the latter?

Would it be helpful to write those things down and bring them along to read from so you don't have to dig through your memory for them every time?
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I don't ask people who are underwater for help. If they are in a place to help then yes they would help. That being said, S lives halfway across the country and AN lives miles away and he has no car. My dad lives 50 miles away. SB splits her time between my hood and a vacation home. I haven't focused recently on some of the newer friendships which are local and thank you for reminding me that I can ask for help even if I am not in a position to reciprocate.

I am having a hard time organizing. I write things down but in different places. Notebook for BP. Meds List. Symptoms list and timeline, Docs names and phone numbers, Each health system has their own app and process and questionnaire and passwords and billing. I typed some notes up before my last primary care doc visit. I need to do some organizing before the opthamologist (2nd opinion) tomorrow.

I have been eating better lately. Spinach, sweet potatoes. Reduced carbs. I find if I don't have any carbs earlier in the day I start to go crazy and want a sugary snack. Yesterday that did not go so well.

I need to message Irish Friend too so signing off.
 
Uh oh. I have this dizzy headed feeling and it has to do with AN. He had asked me to talk today and I wasn't sure if it was that HE needed to talk or whether he wanted US to talk. I was busy getting records together for the opthamologist so I didn't give it a lot of thought. But once I got to his place, he quickly got to the point. He said that he felt like we jumped back into something unexpectedly last weekend and he wanted to know what I was thinking.

He pointed out that we have to be open and communicate with each other as a foundation for anything.. And stop trying to manage the other person's feelings, which I tend to do and it's really bad behavior I am working on, when I realize I am doing it. Anyway, I put things out there which were utterly honest. I talked about his finances, which for me anyway was always the elephant in the room. Specifically I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't when it comes to him. My marriage in part broke because I was mostly paying for everything and it became a source of resentment. I don't want to set either one of us up for a repeat of that. I have always been attracted to him and enjoyed his company. If it wasn't for finances I could easily see us growing old together. I could never say the words out loud because I assumed that they were implied at the time and because I felt that stating the obvious would be hurtful and rub salt in the wound. I think it's fair to say that what once might have been hurtful, he is at peace with now. He was surprised, I think, and had not at all anticipated that my thoughts were what they were.

I in turn was pleasantly surprised that he still finds me attractive, which I had not really been at all sure about until last weekend.

Still, jumping back into anything is not on his agenda - or mine really. We each have other priorities which are important to us not knock off track. We agreed to work on getting to know each other - who we are now - going deeper than we did in the past. And practice relentlessly communicating. As for now, we are friends. And he didn't kiss me goodbye when I left which is a retreat since he kissed me after I arrived. But we played guitar a bit and sang, and planned dinner at his house Saturday before we go to the Old Club Reunion. I am glad we kind of pulled back, if only because getting back together was not on either one of our minds.

I know that I really need to be OK - that we both need to - before getting back in to any kind of relationship. But I have said this before...he feels like an old blanket. And I feel like he brings out some aspects of myself which make me feel good about myself. He is intelligent and creative and humorous and makes me laugh. These are really desirable traits. :) Whether friends or more.

I find it troubling that oxydtocin has been generated, in part because I want to be able to see very very clearly and not have emotions clouding my judgement. I also have this anxious feeling like "don't eff this up" which is in direct conflict with the not jumping back in part. I want to come at it from a place of strength, confidence, and knowing that I have to be really honest with myself whether my views on partner finances have shifted. I cannot go back and forth, it simply isn't fair.

Well, I look forward to talking with a few friends as well as Curly Bubbly about this.

And keeping my priorities: self care, medical answers/path, and finding the things, people, and places which make my heart sing.
 
Kudos to you for being open and honest about the money/resentment thing. That's a hard thing to speak out loud.
 
Llama said:
Kudos to you for being open and honest about the money/resentment thing. That's a hard thing to speak out loud.
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It sure was. I think we started up in early 2013 and it wasn't until maybe some time in 2015 that I was seeing what had been in the shadows. I let the situation go on an entire additional year, out of concern for kicking a man who was already so far down. It just was not getting any better. It hasn't in some respects but I think he is more at peace with himself now. He was asking for total honesty, so I gave it to him.

We came up with ideas to do tomorrow night at relatively less expense. He is making dinner (including homemade keto friendly ice cream!) I am bringing beverages in a cooler so we aren't spending bar prices all evening at the reunion. I am happy to be going with him, it just fits.

I was on a bit of a fool's errand today. Guru doc sent me to a hematologist for an IV infusion of iron and the guy declined to do it. I will say that I feel like he did his professional best to try to figure out what else could be going on; in the end I think it was a waste of time though.

On the better side of things, KDog and I had a lovely meetup and woodsy walk with one of the dog rescue ladies GP and her current foster. L---. I picked up so donations the other day up North and have had them in my car until driving West this morning to meet GP halfway between us. She was super grateful for the relay which saved her a lot of driving. She is so affable and so together. And we are going to do it again in a week and a half as she coincidentally posted a fundraiser item which I have been meaning to buy this afternoon, and will need to get it from her.

I went to a women's club meeting tonight and saw some other people I have known for a while, including a woman I think I previously referred to as Merry (too sleepy to look back and confirm I am being consistent). Oh, and I stopped at a men's barber shop on the way to womens club and they did such a nice job of putting a fade on my fresh undercut. I am super happy with it and they are close by as well. The stylist was named Kevin. For $30 plus tip I will definitely go back; we all know what a lift it is to get a fresh haircut!

I would love a manicure but I have absolutely no fingernails to speak of. I did get the OK from the dentist to use white strips on my teeth and they are looking better also, I spent an hour today trying on various dresses from my closets, trying find something which would fit and look flattering for tomorrow night. It was little surprising that after just losing 10 pounds I cannot get into anything. Well. I bought most of those clothes when I was in the 120's and running all the time. Ha.

Still, I feel satisfied about the 10 pounds. It has been a very unsteady and slow course to be sure. But the results are ever present in improved range of motion and a budding sense of self confidence. My BP at the docs office was good also. At least before I got frustrated.

I go sleepy now. Night night.
 
I was happy to see the scale at 166.6 I realized tho that the BMI is still not under 30 so rechecked and actually I need to get under 164. So, I have that in my sights as a next mini goal.

It also caused me to look at the trends where my scale tracks muscle vs fat mass. That is telling the truth - that all the gains I had made in PT have melted. Well, exercise doesn't do itself. I really hope the iron will make a difference but why are my ferritin levels so low? My iron is low but ferritin is REALLY low so is that malabsorption? Or just a trailing indicator? Something else to look up.

Ugh, I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 because I made the mistake of having a small cup of coffee ater dinner, I *know* better. So I slept until 9 and my e tire day is getting off to a slow start, I had better get shopping.
 
Today I bought cauliflower crust pizza and carb smart tortillas.

I have been gradually shifting toward more meat and veg and fewer carbs and dairy.
Also more fresh produce/home cooking rather than prepackaged food. It's not a big deal to throw a couple of sweet potatoes in the oven and bake up a couple of chicken breasts or prepare kale apple salad. You just need a bit of time, And it saves money.

The biggest aid in all of this has been that S seems to have stabilized. She still is rudderless, but no longer in a tidal whirlpool. She was in the hometown for about 5 days, we didn't see each other or chat on the phone while she was in the area and it is amazing the time and mental energy it created for me. And last night she ended the conversation when I said I was ready to get off the phone. A things are improving.
 
That does sound like an improvement. As does having the mental energy to coordinate home cooking. I agree that it isn't actually that much work but it still feels like a burden when you haven't been doing it and start back up.
 
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