Fiera's Diary

Up after 4 hours so hopefully will get sleepy again. No idea why.
Short term goal to get under 170 lbs.
It is a lot easier to do stuff when you are not overweight.
Also, brain works better when you are eating better.
Matbe I will add some beans for protein, and cottage cheese.
I don't like wasting food. It was nice when I had a salad bar at work.
Also, getting back in to a routine w food would help. I had same brkfst and lunch almost every day, so dinner was the only variable.
Staying busy helps. Don't think as much about snacking.
Would I be running if I wasn't almost 50 pounds overweight?
This is really key to getting my life back.
I have been in denial about a lot of things.
I have permitted or accepted some things which are not right for me.
Food takes up unnecessary bandwidth in my life.
It's an addiction.
I can live a freer life when I have a food routine.
That's all I got.
 
IN
OUT
NET

AM: M/S, T, Z
PM: Life Bits
 
Went to sandy campground Weds PM. After switching sites (inconsiderate neighbors) I just barely made the beachfront sunset. It was very pretty, perfect weather. Tossed and turned a lot with legs aching a bit (perhaps the thin camp pad) and some really loud tree insects (not cicadas) but crashed hard for about 4 hours. Found dog beach next morning for a walk w KDog she seemed to enjoy. Bummed around the area Thurs and then dropped by Proggys and we had tavern style pizza for dinner. Yum.

S is still taking up substantial bandwidth. I can't get into details, The time involvement is problematic. I ended up talking about it with Curly Bubbly. It's not just her, it's several people. I have to cut back and set boundaries, Then this morning I brought up something to S which is impacting me spiritually and emotionally, and I feel like I didn't get support or acknowledgement of how I was feeling. I started questioning whether I have surrounded myself with narcissists. So. I need a time out. Turning phone off, ipad, computer, reinforced boundaries with Proggy. I need some time in a real journal. I need a book. I need birds and quiet time. Maybe my hammock. And cuddle time with my dog,

I am really happy that the weather is comfortable and the windows are open today.

Using the food tracking app is helping me be more mindful. Yesterday I tossed out an aging leftover bubba burger (I hate wasting meat but it was not tasting right) and subbed white meat chicken. It was same portion size but 100 fewer calories and less fat.

It is not that hard to make a difference based on portion size and subbing lo cal food. I had cottage cheese and black beans as a main part of lunch yesterday. I ate an apple instead of trail mix by the campfire. Scale was at 171.2 this morning. If I stay focused maybe I will crack 170 by next week. That would be some real momentum.

I did miss a good hike opportunity this morning. My alarm did not go off. I don't feel a lot of energy so maybe I will try to go tomorrow,
 
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A time-out sounds like just what you need. It made me feel good just reading about it :)
 
Thanks Cate! I have realized that while I do not have a "job" I have made myself available to certain people 24/7 and I have allowed Proggy to continue to make plans with me every weekend. I finally stood up and said this weekend you are welcome to use my guest bedroom and come and go as you please but you need to make your own plans with other people or go do things on your own. I just simply need to not be doing things with/for other people all the time. It took me going out of town for 24 hours a campsite to tell people that I wasn't available to talk on the phone.

I have to figure out a way to not cut people off, but to push back, create space. Just because I am not doing a specific X/Y/Z activity doesn't mean I am available to talk on the phone, Just because the other person is lonely doesn't make me responsible for their feelings. It's bad when it becomes so oppressive that you actually start questioning whether you need to change the friendship. I like that I got some headspace because that is what I need to see things more clearly and make changes,

I lamented to Curly Bubbly on Friday that I decided to take some plates Peaches wants to clear out which are thought to have come from my great grandmother. I had previously said there was nothing left at the house that I wanted, So why did I change my mind? What I was lamenting is that I already have so much clutter. I know it is because I store memories and emotions in physical objects, or rather, that objects have the ability to trigger memories in a way thar photographs do not.

And yet I have a significant number of objects which are either passing through my possession or no longer hold meaning. But they are "worth something". I just need to get on with getting rid of stuff instead of having it in my living space.
 
Last night I went on a binge spree. I was doing so well. I had both B and L late so was sitting at around 700-800 IN around 4PM. But I was also feeling melancholy and dizzy, triggered by S and also the boundary setting with Proggy, and my vision issues. I felt like having a drink. That was a blinking warning sign. Instead I got into the snack food I never should have put in my cart on Friday. Cheesy doodles. Which of course ended up being half the bag. And from there it kept rolling as the evening progressed. An entire pint of coconut milk ice cream. A graham cracker. Then the rest of the leftover pizza. And then most of the rest of the cheesy doodles. So in the end my day consisted of 2500-2700 calories IN. I am not hungry at all this morning and while I am not a fan of fasting I do think I will see how long I can wait before eating today.

I have some nice frozen cod I can bake for dinner, just need to thaw it out.

Today will be another relatively quiet day, thankfully.
 
Fiera said:
I have to figure out a way to not cut people off, but to push back, create space. Just because I am not doing a specific X/Y/Z activity doesn't mean I am available to talk on the phone, Just because the other person is lonely doesn't make me responsible for their feelings. It's bad when it becomes so oppressive that you actually start questioning whether you need to change the friendship.
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That's such a hard balance to strike sometimes, especially when the old dynamic has been going on for a long time and any attempt change feels like an attack to your friends. But some friendships really are worth salvaging.
 
PT today. He upped the difficulty which had the effect of helping me to recognize what a pointless process this is, if I am not going to work on things in between two appointments per week. I am legit feeling overwhelmed and uninspired.

It is time to get the crayons out because it is not about whether I have time or not. It is whether I can see the benefits of doing the work, towards a future I want. And that's where it gets hazy. My doc had been on a kick lately about longevity - he finally added some color the other day and said that he wanted to live to be 100 so he could be around to tell his grandson stories. Well, that is a good, clear reason. My clear reason doesn't exist right now. I am really struggling with medical issues. I am struggling with my support/social network. And then you see the news and wonder whether civilized, stable life as we have known it is ending.

I mostly just don't *feel anything*. Maybe it's low grade depression.

An idea which is giving me some inspiration is going to a concert in another city next week, It is a city I have been to enough to get around easily enough, and it would be a good time of year and also give me some space to reflect on how much I have changed since I celebrated a milestone birthday there - and how much is the same. Right now the major obstacle is not spending too much on the ticket via the resale markets.
 
Concerts are really good for our morale. Be careful with those tickets though. There are so many scammers about.
Fiera said:
I mostly just don't *feel anything*. Maybe it's low grade depression
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Maybe it is. I am thinking I may have low-grade depression too. Try to keep doing the things you enjoy or that you know make you feel better. For me, that's getting outside & moving more. It's hard to be sociable when you really just can't be bothered but once again I need to do this.
 
I am proud of myself for making a long overdue decision. I bowed out of a hiking trip to a National Park during September. I went from enthusiastic to dubious after the initial meet up, when one of the girls made arrangements and foisted them on the group, even the organizer - then called "dibs" on the room she wanted, and her friend called dibs immediately after. Fortunately I had not committed to staying with the group. That is not how you create an inclusive environment. She was one of a couple of them who went in the Spring and clearly intended to manipulate things to their liking. I thought perhaps I might meet someone I connected with at the occasional meetups, but the few I made it was not gelling. And then the organizer himself had not been committed to a plan for the hikes, so I didn't understand what I was aiming for - now they added a section which involves specialized equipment. There is zero value to me at this point to go with the group, and I cancelled the Air BNB which was revloving around THEM. I still have a lodge reservation if I want. I might go see my Irish Friend instead.
 
Cate said:
Concerts are really good for our morale. Be careful with those tickets though. There are so many scammers about.

Maybe it is. I am thinking I may have low-grade depression too. Try to keep doing the things you enjoy or that you know make you feel better. For me, that's getting outside & moving more. It's hard to be sociable when you really just can't be bothered but once again I need to do this.
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It's a fair point, though I am at least using a resale site which guarantees the tickets. And I still would enjoy the trip.

Thanks for sharing that Cate. I hope that you can find your groove again before long, My dog has been getting me out to the park and the weather has been cooperating for the past several days. It is nice to have the house open and hear the real world. Cancellung a trip which was not working for me is a weight off. Besides, if those people aren't my tribe then best to cut my losses ASAP and try to find people who are. I am proud that I recognized this. As the saying goes...sometimes it is not you, it is just that are surrounded by a-holes.

Smiling now. 👏🎉👍❤️
 
Fiera said:
Well, that is a good, clear reason. My clear reason doesn't exist right now.
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For me the reason is wanting to be healthy and independent for as long as possible. It just so happens that the things I need to do in order to have a shot at those things are also the things that might lead to longevity.
 
Ooh. Not much time for writing - or logging - the past few days. I am doing OK. Scale nipped down to 171 yesterday. I have been busily putting together a short last minute trip to see a concert. In another country. First time since COVID and everything has gone electronic with apps and such. It makes me uncomfortable and had my anxiety level off the charts.

I am moving slowly on less than 4 hours of sleep. Need to finish packing. Trying to avoid taking a large suitcase. Yet...,my recent bouts of excessive sweating/hot flashes mean I am bringing extra clothes. Hopefully the situation will improve soon.

I bowed out of my hiking trip. Was vaguely thinking about going to see Irish Friend that week since I have a sitter for KDog lined up. But haven't had time to make plans. Then yesterday one of the dog rescue people reached out with a potential event on 9/16. It's like the Universe rewarding me for listening to my heart.

Ultimately that's what this concert trip is about also. Listening to my heart. I was hanging on to all these air miles and it's time to start using them to treat myself.

So I gotta run but just wanted to stop in.
 
Just checked in to say that I have vertigo - started the morning I was set to fly out for concert and I went anyway. That was a Monday and this is a Friday. Yesterday I was evaluated and DX with vestibular neuritis, which means that it is thought to be viral. I am exhausted. Concert was fun. Difficult to concentrate but that's pretty much the update anyway. Having groceries delivered. Need to chill out and try to rest.
 
Glad you managed to enjoy the concert regardless but that sucks! Constant vertigo can be debilitating and is always exhausting so I hope it passes quickly.
 
Still here. More symptoms including elevated heart rate and BP, which has never been a problem for me. Ended up going to ER Sat; more tests recommended. Guru doc was unavailable to talk until Tues eve. I was thinking maybe this virus(?) made my thyroid go wonky as I have had so many dramatic changes/symptoms. Getting a number of tests this week.

I tried acupuncture Monday. I would do it again. It didn't bring down my BP, but it coincides with my appetite going away so maybe it helped with that? Or maybe it's the fact that I have not had any coffee or matcha or any added sugar for 2 days. I am really trying to eat well to see if that helps.

Am fatigued but made myself go for 2 walks wKDog today of about a mile each. It was pretty hot so the second one was after the sun started setting.

The opthamologist says appearance of recent floaters is nothing she can see going on, and may have just been the fact that I am paying more attention. I need steroid drops for my eyes again and also will be starting g a dry eye medicine.

Also, dentist gave bad news that I need another crown. It is my fault, I haven't been wearing my night guard and I cracked a tooth which had a large filling in it.

I am really trying to embrace healthy changes and am signing off from my bed (not the couch).

Oh - scale is nipping under 170. I am on my way...
 
I'm feeling exhausted at the moment too, but forced myself to take my dog for a 2k walk this morning. Let's hope we find our mojo soon. Glad the scale is being kind to you :)
 
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