Derrick's ongoing journey

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Derrick said:
Today is Day 19! So far so good. I have adhered to the diet near perfectly.

This morning Tanita said:
211.0 (-10.0 lb total)
25% body fat

I am thrilled to be down to 211 again! The next big number will be 209 of course.

The weight loss is now crawling at about 2 pounds per week but I'm not really sure why. My calories have been under 1000 almost every day over the past week. Protein has been 180 to 200 grams with more on refeed days and free meal days. At this pace I feel like I can end the diet soon and lose just as much moving to a more moderate diet with more exercise. Perhaps I will do that next week sometime.

Unfortunately after my post above, the night didn't go so great with my wife. I don't know what is going to happen. I guess it's in God's hands now.

Derrick
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Hi Derrick,

I haven't responded an any of your posts before but I am an avid reader of yours. Congratulations on your success so far. I have been married for 27 years and know what you are talking about. We go through life with our significant others and things seem to be merrily rolling along- you know work,kids, life. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We get so busy that we living life that we don't actually enjoy it - we just go through the paces. You know what I mean? I don't know what happened with the running date but give it another chance. My wife and I are running together now. It was tough to begin with as I started running before she did but spending some time huffing and puffing on the open road has brought us closer. There is nothing better than having a partner that supports you and that you support when you are trying to get into shape. God has a lot to do with it as well-lol but he needs help sometimes. I am not a relationship expert but I am an outsider looking in, through your posts so if I am over stepping my bounds- I apologize.

Now enough about the life thing and more about the exercise, Can I ask you something? I have lost about 63 pounds in the last 5-6 months( I went from 255 to 192- goal is 175) and my problem now is getting enough protein. I have been training for a 10 KM run and find that I may not be eating enough- it is hard mentally to go from losing weight mode to training and maintaining mode- it is really hard for me to eat more. I guess it is a mental game. I notice that you refeed. What exactly is that and what are the benefits to doing this? You are doing a great job on your weight loss. Keep up the good work!!
 
Hi cowboy! It's nice to know someone has been following my journey without me even knowing about it. This journal slowly transformed into a journey through life's struggles that so many of us go through but complicated by a mental disorder. The only time I ever brought up my wife was to brag a bit about her. She is gorgeous and I have built my existence around her. I would have done anything and everything to keep us together. I thought God wanted us to last forever. Unfortunately we have had a very poor marriage at times in the past and especially the past 18 months and it gets worse every day. I have bipolar disoder and ADD. Admittedly a challenging combination. My heart, committment and effort has never faded though. Our marriage has scars I don't wish to talk about here. All I care about is what is at a person's core. I am pretty sure I have not been in the core of my wife's heart in a long time. I am out of ideas and out of hope.

Just so you know, I miss days of work every week staying home to help in the hopes I can make her happy. So if anything I have spent too much time there, not trying to lose weight. I only go to the gym twice per week. The only thing that takes some amount of time is making some of my meals but often I go ahead and cook for the family at dinner time anyway, at least lately.

The bottom line is I don't have much hope or faith in anything right now but at least I'm starting to look better. It's all I have right now so I'm going to do my best.

The refeed is required for me because I go days without any carbs whatsoever. I have to consume close to 500 grams of carbs in 5 hours one time per week to restore lost glycogen and trick my hypothalamus into believing I am not starving. More moderate diets may not need refeeds but perhaps they would benefit from 2 week breaks every so often. If you are training hard you need a certain amount of protein AND carbs per hour of exercise per day per pound of lean body mass for optimum performance. I will try to find the formula later.

Thanks again for the advice. I pray my wife and I make it but I've never been so out of hope.
 
Derrick said:
Hi cowboy! It's nice to know someone has been following my journey without me even knowing about it. This journal slowly transformed into a journey through life's struggles that so many of us go through but complicated by a mental disorder. The only time I ever brought up my wife was to brag a bit about her. She is gorgeous and I have built my existence around her. I would have done anything and everything to keep us together. I thought God wanted us to last forever. Unfortunately we have had a very poor marriage at times in the past and especially the past 18 months and it gets worse every day. I have bipolar disoder and ADD. Admittedly a challenging combination. My heart, committment and effort has never faded though. Our marriage has scars I don't wish to talk about here. All I care about is what is at a person's core. I am pretty sure I have not been in the core of my wife's heart in a long time. I am out of ideas and out of hope.

Just so you know, I miss days of work every week staying home to help in the hopes I can make her happy. So if anything I have spent too much time there, not trying to lose weight. I only go to the gym twice per week. The only thing that takes some amount of time is making some of my meals but often I go ahead and cook for the family at dinner time anyway, at least lately.

The bottom line is I don't have much hope or faith in anything right now but at least I'm starting to look better. It's all I have right now so I'm going to do my best.

The refeed is required for me because I go days without any carbs whatsoever. I have to consume close to 500 grams of carbs in 5 hours one time per week to restore lost glycogen and trick my hypothalamus into believing I am not starving. More moderate diets may not need refeeds but perhaps they would benefit from 2 week breaks every so often. If you are training hard you need a certain amount of protein AND carbs per hour of exercise per day per pound of lean body mass for optimum performance. I will try to find the formula later.

Thanks again for the advice. I pray my wife and I make it but I've never been so out of hope.
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My heart goes out to you, man. Sometimes life can be so hard and unfair. Looking at your posts you seem like a nice guy. Like I said I don't know your history with your wife and I am sure you have tried all kinds of things to try to reconnect and cudos to you for trying. Keep trying though- don't give up!! I hope things work out for you.
 
Thanks everyone. Falling in love is a brave thing to do because you risk being hurt more than you can bare but I guess it is better to take that risk than to never truly be in love.

On a happier note, here's some photos of my daughter and I from a couple days ago. I took all of them except the one of her and I obviously. I simply told my friend how to frame the shot and I made the appropriate adjustments to shutter speed, aperture and ISO. Photography has become my most favorite hobby over the past few years and I love taking photos of my family more than anything else. I have 39,425 photos in iPhoto, most of them are from the past two years. LOL

Sorry about the size. This site only allows 100KB. That is pretty small.

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Gorgeous! :beating: I think that is the most beautiful thing that you have almost 40,000 photos of them in 2 years!! :) Coming from you and your passion, it doesn't shock me!

What does shock me, is that this world is blessed with people who have SO MUCH LOVE, like you!

...I'm going through a lot of growing pains from my partner right now too. Sometimes, I wonder the same things you do. Not because of the love, but because of outside circumstances. Our own internal pursuits of happiness. Our allowing ourselves the space to grow and evolve into those people. Parallel, not intertwined. Everyday I have hope. Until the day it disappears, then we'll see how it goes. I am definitely growing. That's for sure. The more space, the more I appreciate the little gestures and significant moments, though.

..Keep faith, Derrick. Your daughter is the most beautiful thing ever!! You guys look truly in love with each other! I had a picnic with my little 5 year old brother just a little while ago, and I appreciate those moments more than life! I wish someone would take pictures of me the way you take pictures of them. Your care is so evident through the shots, and your eye for beauty is beyond heart warming. You made me cry right now. In a touched way. Touched by the beauty in your soul. :grouphug:
 
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Alta, if my wife could only see the things you see, we would be the happiest couple in the world. If all women had your insight I think nearly every man on earth with even half a heart would be able to make his woman happy. You just love life and you see the beauty in everyone. That's a rare gift. You are also great with words and very inspirational. Thank you once again for making me feel like I'm not crazy and that I really am a good and loving person. I have thousands of photos of my wife because I am always trying to capture the moment and her beauty just perfectly. I have so many beautiful photos of her, as well as my kids. It really is a way for me to express how I feel about my family. I also love taking photos of nearly anyone. I recently took photos of my personal trainer slam dunking a basketball. He was so happy with the photos he can't stop talking about them. I hardly ever take a photo of someone where they don't like the photo. It happens but usually because they have insecurities about themselves. I'll sit there and argue with them sometimes saying something like "no you're wrong! Look again, you look great!" I like to think I have a gift for capturing a shot that not only makes the person look their best but also brings out a feeling of happiness to all who view the photo. That's what I feel when I look at my photos of my family and even my friends.

I'm not perfect in any shape or form but I'm proud of the way I've lived my life and how I have handled things I certainly didn't ask for, like bipolar disorder, ADD and some major heartbreaks. I'm really lousy at self promotion to the extent that it has cost me in several situations. However, I've always been able to express myself better in writing. If I write it out, I am able to remind myself that I have accomplished many things to be proud of. Kind of like you did just a week ago or so.

While I certainly have a list of things I am ashamed of, I like to think my proud list is quite a bit longer.

Oh I threw a no hitter in little league. :D Ok, they'll get better, I promise.
I swept the finals of the summer swimming league when I was 15, swimming in the 15-18 boys division.
I did it again when I was 16.
I didn't swim the next two years because my new found love (my wife today) was more important to me than wasting time swimming in the summer. :D
I did swim all 4 years of high school and I excelled.
I won the conference championship in the 50 yard freestyle my Sophmore, Junior and Senior years in record breaking times. I placed 2nd every darn year in the 100 butterfly.
I placed 12th at state my senior year in the 50 freestyle with my worst start off the blocks I can ever remember.
I was voted captain of the swim team my senior year.
I won high point award for my team my senior year.
I was voted as recipient of the Spartan Award which was given to the teammate who best exemplified the values of our high school. (To this day that award still means a lot to me.)
I fell in love with, got engaged to, married, made two beautiful kids with and have kept my vows to just one woman my whole life. We have been together almost 16 years.
I went from 150 pounds when she first met me in 1995 to a high of 251 pounds in 2008.
I fought like hell to lose 58 pounds in one year and I pulled it off.
I went from fat and out of shape to swimming again, biking and even jogging.
I completed a sprint triathlon as a reward for the weight I lost.
I gained 35 pounds back as I struggled with the nasty effects of biploar disorder.
And here I am today, fighting again to lose that weight and triumph once more.

I have to remind myself of these things and today I did just that as I drove home from the gym. I feel like I might be able to get through even the most difficult circumstances life throws at me if I can just remember these things and be proud of the way I have tried to live.
 
Awww, Derrick! :grouphug:! You are very warming. My heart needed that. Thank you, :blush5:. I do love life! :beating: It's so amazing! We have so much to be grateful for, it's amazing. Even today, I was sitting looking out of the window in the afternoon, and the sun was splashing on my face, and I just had one of those moments where you get lost starring at the bees. I starred and starred... starred so long, just blank in the mind, enjoying the sun, and it almost almost felt like I could ride the bee's back as it jumped from little yellow flower to poke the center, to little flower. It was SO amazing! Just creation in general, I thought. I was even thinking of how, wow, ...God provided the knowingness for us to become fulfilled by our needs at all levels of creation. He catered to all of our needs equally. I felt so overwhelmed by the warmth of the sun and the appreciation of the blue sky, and I had reggae on with beautiful instrumental long periods, and just loved life.

I wrote GOD a 3 page letter! I started with, "Dear God, I am so grateful that... "and then it went on and on and on. I just allowed my mind to RUN to the things I would do in life if everything were infinite, limitless in all aspects. Happiness, love, adventure, family, career, significance, giving back...and 3 pages came. I was moved to tears the entire time. It's those moments, that I feel are awakenings in my life and that I am glorifed in that moment to break through the tainted glasses of my perception of the world that hold me back from seeing the truth clearly. Love is the truth. The infinite potential within each and every thing on this world.

That's why I can really appreciate your art with the camera. :) It's really an inner expression of the way you see the world, in my eyes. You have a flavor that captures that same essence I felt this afternoon when I was just moved by the reality and clarity of nature's gifts. It's that slight shift in perception that you bring to the pictures that's very embracing. It's no wonder all the people you photograph (except those few ;) ) are loving the shots. I laughed when you took your trainer's photo! That's CLASSIC! :D!

...and now moving on to greater things: You are BEYOND exceptional! You do realize that, right?!

That list was INSANE!!! :eek: Look at all the things you have accomplished!! It sounds to me, that every single time in your life that you have decided. That was it. Done. Fully committed. Nothing stopping you kind of attitude. The BEST! ...that's a rare quality! The truth, my friend! ..And on your list you forgot to put INSANELY passionate photographer! ;)

You are not crazy. Of course!!! Silly boy. But I do know what you mean. It's so easy to forget the things we've done, where we are now, and where we are going. That's why typing it out definitely helps. I had no idea that you were such a gifted swimmer. Gifted meaning dedicated and persistent minded to WIN.

I would print that list and keep it near! Sometimes, I have to look at the metals and awards just to remind myself that I did in fact do those things. :)

You are STELLAR!!! :cheers2:!! (really wanted to use that word today..LOL)
 
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Thanks Annagail. :). My daughter's name is Annaliese but she just goes by Anna.

And thank you too, Alta, yet once again. :)

This morning Tanita said:
210.5 lb
26% body fat (whatever you lying brat) :D

Yesterday was a workout day. I will have to post about the exercises later. The most awesome thing happened though. First, my trainer told me I was really starting to look skinny. Of course it was an exaggeration but I still like my interpretation which is, I'm looking much better. Next, I ran into a 44 year old elite triathlete I talk to in the pool sometimes. He took one look at me and said, "you look like you've lost 15 to 20 pounds since the last time I saw you." The last time I saw him I was about 224 so he was darn close. I simply said "you're dead on, thanks man!"

Finally this morning I walked into my closet and grabbed a pair of jeans I haven't been able to fit into since 2009. They slid on and fit perfectly. That felt pretty good. I have to stay focused though and remind myself this is only the beginning.
 
Your daughter is beautiful and your house is lovely! So much snow, I'm jealous! I loved your list--I'm struggling with the diet right now and it's made me want to write one of my own :) Have a lovely day Derrick xx
 
Thank you very much Sunflower. My daughter has my personality, even my ADHD, and my wife's looks. So I always joke that she's perfect. :D

The log home is my dad's dream house. He built it at "the farm" five years ago. It's located in central Missouri. It is a 1 hour 15 minute drive from my house in western St. Louis county.

My dad is an entrepreneur and business owner and has had a very successful career. I, on the other hand, don't have career ambitions like a lot of people. I just want to have a job I enjoy and make enough money to give my family a happy and enjoyable life. I would love to have a major impact on how people treat each other but I haven't figured that one out yet. I haven't even figured out how to make my wife happy let alone change the world. Somehow I think a lot of men feel this way. LOL No offense ladies, we men still love you. ;) Now you know why so many of us go bald...you women always have us scratching our heads. :biggrinjester:

I actually went to the gym today to do CARDIO! That's a big no no according to the creator of the diet I am on. However, I have decided Monday is going to be the last day of this particular diet. So I'll just look at it as starting cardio a couple days early. The cool thing is I actually jogged 11 minutes straight at 5.5 mph without stopping! I really surprised myself considering I haven't gone that long and that far since 2009! First attempt and I nailed it! :coolgleamA: I actually did 23 minutes total on the treadmill, consisting of 10 minutes of moderate intensity interval training followed by 11 minutes of jogging followed by a 2 minute cool down. And lots of stretching of course. I also found that listening to my "fight songs" as I was exercising helped me tremendously. That's just a list of songs I have on my iPhone that make me want to keep fighting and not give up.

I'll post my workout from yesterday a little bit later today or maybe tomorrow.

Derrick
 
Dylan said:
Very good and detailed journal Derrick,i hope you do well and reach your goals whatever they may be!
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Hey you're not the Dylan from Lyle's forum, are you?

Thank you and I will do whatever it takes to reach my goals, whatever they evolve to. ;)
 
Hey Derrick - man those photos are beautiful - I still have never even seen snow in real life (it's on my bucket list lol) so there's something really magical about it to me. Your daughter is so cute, bless her, all rugged up with mittens on! Kids are absolutely amazing. I am so lucky to have a son and a daughter - them and my hubby are my entire world.

I like what you said about your work. I am exactly the same. I just want to enjoy my job and work hard and have enough to live a happy and healthy life. My hubby is of similar values so we really 'work' together.

You honestly seem a great guy, so I just wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.
 
Thank you Jess! I love watching adults who have never seen snow play in it for the first time. If you look hard enough you can see the kid in them come out and you can't help but remember the joy and wonder you used to feel as a kid when it would snow. Spending time in the snow with my daughter the last month has been the highlight of my winter. I want her childhood to be full of wonderful memories. Plus I am pretty certain she loves me more than anyone else does.

We couldn't find her most favorite Teddy Bear when we got to the farm and I thought for sure it might have fallen out of my truck at the fast food restaurant we stopped at to get a coffee. I called them and they did not have him. My wife swore it wasn't left at home so I was nearly convinced somebody had found him and kept him. I was so worked up about it I wasn't going to be able to sleep. Finally my wife called and said she had found him, my daughter had left him in her play room at home. I did get "some" sleep that night. My daughter kept me up quite a bit with her tossing, turning and kicking. She also kept trying to sleep right next to me even though it was a king size bed! LOL

I think it is beautiful to hear/read a woman say that not only are her kids everything to her but also her husband to. If you haven't said that to him in a while, you should. Men need to hear that stuff too, especially when it is truly sincere.
 
Derrick said:
Thank you very much Sunflower. My daughter has my personality, even my ADHD, and my wife's looks. So I always joke that she's perfect. :D

The log home is my dad's dream house. He built it at "the farm" five years ago. It's located in central Missouri. It is a 1 hour 15 minute drive from my house in western St. Louis county.

My dad is an entrepreneur and business owner and has had a very successful career. I, on the other hand, don't have career ambitions like a lot of people. I just want to have a job I enjoy and make enough money to give my family a happy and enjoyable life. I would love to have a major impact on how people treat each other but I haven't figured that one out yet. I haven't even figured out how to make my wife happy let alone change the world. Somehow I think a lot of men feel this way. LOL No offense ladies, we men still love you. ;) Now you know why so many of us go bald...you women always have us scratching our heads. :biggrinjester:

I actually went to the gym today to do CARDIO! That's a big no no according to the creator of the diet I am on. However, I have decided Monday is going to be the last day of this particular diet. So I'll just look at it as starting cardio a couple days early. The cool thing is I actually jogged 11 minutes straight at 5.5 mph without stopping! I really surprised myself considering I haven't gone that long and that far since 2009! First attempt and I nailed it! :coolgleamA: I actually did 23 minutes total on the treadmill, consisting of 10 minutes of moderate intensity interval training followed by 11 minutes of jogging followed by a 2 minute cool down. And lots of stretching of course. I also found that listening to my "fight songs" as I was exercising helped me tremendously. That's just a list of songs I have on my iPhone that make me want to keep fighting and not give up.

I'll post my workout from yesterday a little bit later today or maybe tomorrow.

Derrick
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Hey Derrick,

That is one beautiful little girl. Reminds me of my daughter about 15 years ago. I wanted to comment on the house too. It has always been my dream for a log house in the mountains. Your Dad's place is really nice.

When you say-"I just want to have a job I enjoy and make enough money to give my family a happy and enjoyable life." - What more could anyone ask for? It isn't always about the money. That is something I learned a long time ago. Sounds like you have your career ambitions set perfectly. That is all that any man can ask for in life. Like I said before I don't know what happens in your household but have you tried simply talking to your wife. Not getting upset or angry- just talking - just the two you. Sometimes we don't just talk anymore- you know what I mean? I am sure you have tried talking to her- does she shut down? Tell you what she thinks you want to hear? Sometimes it takes a little effort to get things out of our significant others? They don't want to hurt your feelings but what they aren't telling you is hurting both you and her. Keep trying.

To have a major impact on how people treat each other is a nice goal to have. Start small. Look at this forum alone. Look at all the people posting your diary. You are already having that effect. I think that we humans get what we give. If you are a caring, loving person- you get that in return. Same as if you are unhappy and miserable. You sounds like a decent guy. You will find that way to make an impact on how people treat each other- give it time. Something will pop up.

Good job on the cardio. That is my thing - running. I just ran my first 10 KM distance today in -23 weather- felt great. My thing now is to hold back on the cardio and get into the weights now. I am enjoying them too although I am walking around today like I am 80 years old-lol.

Keep doing what you are doing. Things will work out for you!!
 
Quickly before tomorrow comes, which is also a workout day, I am going to post my workout from Friday:

WORKOUT 11:00AM 2/4/11
2 x 8 reps 175 lbs Leg Extensions
(On the fourth rep my right knee said "whoa buddy! STOP! So I did and walked it off a bit. I then tried 165 and it was still hurting. Fearing I reinjured it from a couple years ago, I knocked the weight down to 120 and did 2 sets of 15 reps with no pain, which was a good sign. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the next workout. I plan on knocking the weight back to 165.)
2 x 8 reps 100 lbs Leg Curls (Challenging but I kick some ace! :D )
2 x 8 reps 185 lbs Bench Press (First set was too easy again so we bumped it up to 195 on the 2nd set and I got them all on my own! SWEET! :) )
2 x 8 reps 15 plates Seated Cable Rows (Still hard but I at least did a little better than the last few workouts)
2 x 10 reps 20 lbs Lateral Raises (Almost too easy this time, almost.)
2 x 10 reps 30 lbs Standing Dumbbell Curls (Tough again, biceps have ALWAYS been the weakest muscles on my body)
2 x 10 reps 14 plates Triangle Tricep pushdowns (Barely got them!)
2 x 8 reps 155 lbs Weighted Crunches (Tough but I love them)
2 x 8 reps 175 lbs Weighted Back Extensions (Still too light of a weight but keeping good form is somewhat challenging)

I think the good news in all of this is that I have clearly gained strength while on this diet. That would suggest I at least maintained my muscle if not gained some muscle. The whole point of doing this particular crash diet was to lose fat and ONLY fat as quickly as possible. I think I've done that. I just wish I were still losing at a fast enough rate to justify staying on the diet for a few more weeks. I think with all that is going on, it would make more sense for me to end the diet tomorrow and transition to the next phase of my overall plan. I'll try to get pictures posted. I should be 210 or 211 tomorrow. I know it's only 10 or 11 pounds since my photo from a few pages ago but I'm hoping it is a very noticeable 10 or 11 pounds. :)

Derrick
 
I think it's cool that you have a body fat percent goal instead of a weight goal. That's a really good idea because just your weight doesn't take into account so many things!
 
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