Bubbles: The Diary

Ok I've decided to not weigh myself again until I notice my belly going down a bit more. I haven't weighed myself in over a week because the last time I did I hadn't lost a thing (or I had, but it went back on again!).

I went for my 2 hour workout on the trail today and this time went armed with plenty of gatorade and energy gels. I also had a hotdog an hour beforehand from the QT. It helped me not 'bonk'. It was hot out there today though and I think ozone levels may have been high as I was having trouble getting enough air. I felt SO fat, heavy and not at all athletic. Still, I trudged on, knowing that I needed it for my brain as well as my body, and that if I'm kicking my metabolism into gear perhaps it doesn't matter how athletic I look. My stomach felt pretty bloated, but gatorade has that effect on me. I ended up not needing any of the gels, although I felt really crappy by the time I was done. But real food helped.

I treated myself to an expensive and calorie-laden drink from Starbucks. It was heavenly. I'm still well within my limits though. Might go out again tomorrow, and if I do, I hope I don't feel as sluggish as I did today.

After a few decades of non-stop caffeine intake, I think I have messed up my metabolism somewhat. I just get the energy slumps now minus the high! So I think to help myself lose weight more easily I need to wean myself off caffeine for as long as possible.
 
Yay for going out on the trail! Do you know why you get bloated from Gatorade? I seem to remember Chef John (from Foodwishes) having a recipe for homemade Gatorade; maybe that´s something for you?
MsBubbles said:
After a few decades of non-stop caffeine intake, I think I have messed up my metabolism somewhat. I just get the energy slumps now minus the high! So I think to help myself lose weight more easily I need to wean myself off caffeine for as long as possible.
Click to expand...
I haven´t got much of a caffeine history but I realized yesterday that my diet coke consumption is rising steeply so I´m with you on cutting back.
EDIT: I did a Google :p
 
Oh cool! Thanks for the recipe. No, I have no idea why it happens, but it certainly does. I do have several food allergies and autoimmune conditions so who knows. It's probably tied in with those somehow.

Went out on the trail again today and did NOT feel fat! I felt lighter. I have no idea why. I can't imagine that my stomach had deflated that much since yesterday but apparently it had and my clothes were not jabbing into my gut as badly. I also was able to get a pretty good leg workout today whereas yesterday I was just trying to not fall.

Had a burger afterwards and it's just not sitting right with me right now. I regret it. Yuck. Might weigh myself in a few days if my stomach and waist seem to be on the way down.
 
Thanks! :)

I said I'd wait until my stomach had gone down some before I weighed myself. And now that time has come, I still don't want to weigh myself. I think scales have been so triggering and limiting to me in the past that I just don't want to do it.

I guess I won't until I feel like it :cool:. Although I'm going to a doc appointment soon and they might make me get on the scales. I'm not looking forward to that. It's ok if they don't tell me what it says but some of them just HAVE to say it out loud. :rolleyes:

So the big news today is...I'm into my smaller sized fat pants!! :D They are still a bit snug but at least I can get them on! And throw away the huge ones because they are falling apart.

Working out is hard during the week so I have dropped my calorie intake down, but somehow I am NOT craving anything and I have not yet had a binge. I just feel so single minded. I guess I was craving a particular food item I won't mention here, yesterday, but I just figured it's not part of the deal for now so that craving can just go away again. And it did. It helps to be super busy.

So far then:

- Skinny arms are back
- Waist has reappeared
- Cheekbones more prominent again
- Smaller fat pants fit
- Gone down 1.5" on my belt holes
- Less winded going up 10 flights of stairs during break at work

- Still no idea if I have lost any pounds, or how many. Not too bothered!
 
Yay for smaller pants and more endurance! Also: if you tell medical staff you don´t want to know the number no matter if they think it´s good or bad they´d have to be extremely rude to say it out loud anyway.
 
Thanks Cate and LaMaria!

Guess what? She said it cheerfully, out loud!!! I was devastated. I should've shoved my fingers in my ears. I managed to avoid a rebound binge but I am still feeling it today and am just glad I don't have anything here at home to binge on. Just sawdust protein bars or cornflakes.

This is unnecessarily complicated perhaps to most: I weighed my initial weight when I started this, in Kilos so I wouldn't totally hate myself for letting myself get x amount of pounds heavy. It's all abstract anyway, really. So I've written down the kilo amount and trying like hell not to multiply it out in my head to get the pounds. It's not that hard. But I now know what I weigh in pounds in the middle of the day and it's back where I was about 8 weeks ago before I went on my 2 week vacation eating frenzy. Sigh. It's VERY hard not to ruminate on that number, and not to fixate on it.

I have decided once again that I won't weigh myself until my stomach is way flatter than it is now. I feel good about getting there this time, though, since I have seen progress so far.

This makes me think that my starting weight was probably about 5 lb more than I thought it was.

It's hard not to want to party with food on a friday night, but I'm not gonna. My waist has reappeared so I'm happy about that and don't want to ruin it again.

Have a minefield-free weekend, everybody!
 
I would have given her a solidly passive-agressive: "So, does it make you feel big and strong to ignore patients´ clearly stated wishes or do you actually think disrespect will help me lose weight?"
 
Cate: Thanks! Well I do have a waist as long as I don't wear any tight waistbands that shove it all up under my boobs and eliminate it again. :rolleyes:

Rebel Lee: Right? Mine are whimsical and illogical most of the time. Yeah 2 weeks is a good distance apart. Although I think I'll probably wait til 3 months...;)

LaMaria: Let's hear it for passive-aggression! Yay. LOL. Ah the things I wish I had said or done. I think I would've said something if she hadn't looked like she was trying so hard to please, being a trainee and all.

Whoo boy. I'm feeling the urge to throw caution to the wind and eat emotionally again tonight! I got a good workout in out on the trail though today and managed to get to the actual muscle-working-out part sooner than I had the previous 4 weekends. Previously I had been just focused on getting the ol' body moving without sustaining any kind of injury. So that's a bit of measurable milestone I guess. I also was faster today without really trying (I get a headache if I have a sustained HR of over 160 bmp, so I have to keep it under that).

I had a mini binge on regular pantry items tonight but pretty much only ended up breaking even calories wise. It was emotional eating. :oops: I need to refocus. I need to get a good night's sleep and remember how I felt when I first started this thing over 3 weeks ago. I feel the resolve getting a bit fuzzy round the edges. I need to make myself a priority again.
 
Thanks for the comment, LaMaria.

Never one to be in the 'just do it and don't overthink it' camp, I'm hyper aware of my thought patterns right now and have realized that yes, the mere act of standing on those scales and hearing my weight (still too heavy) in pounds out loud in a public place has made me also hyper-aware of food again. For the past 3 weeks since embarking on this particular weight loss journey, I have been blissfully unaware of food except for the clock saying "Ok it's time to eat now". So I think I need to try to put my food back on as much automation as possible for the next few days to try to get back into the mindset that had been working before I allowed the eager-to-please nurse to mess it all up.

This was the kick-off for me. I saw a Nutrisystem ad, thought it looked pretty good for anybody who didn't want to spend all their waking hours thinking about food, cooking or recipes, and decided to fashion my own version of it (since I have so many food allergies and sensitivities). It worked! So today will need to be spent grocery shopping and planning to automate my upcoming week's food availability as much as possible.

Oh, due to other health reasons, I'm also trying to wean off caffeine completely. I'm trying to apply the same principles, since I tend to use food and caffeine both as ways to cope with life (not a good strategy).
 
Oh.My.God. I fell off the good-dieting wagon so hard last night and today. I'm back in Bingeville. I was wondering when I'd end up back here. I don't understand it. It might very well be hormonal, judging by 1) the calendar, and 2) other - uhh - symptoms.

Warning: Self-Indulgent Drivel To Follow. Feel Free To Ignore.
Last night I felt a bit brushed off by someone I hold dear. Instead of refocusing on myself and 'keeping my own side of the street clean', and letting him keep his rubbish to himself, I let it slay me. My reaction was to stuff, stuff, stuff these horrible feelings of (perceived) rejection down with donuts and store-bought frozen pizza. Oh, and a small tub of ice cream. It carried on into this morning. I was at work really not knowing or caring about myself at all, just feeling completely lost and rudderless without the (perceived) support of this person. Why "(perceived)"? Because it's all in my head and we didn't actually talk about it. So I spent this morning feeling like I didn't have a reason to do anything in life, so I let myself eat whatever I wanted just to survive. Sounds stupid. It felt to me physically as if I needed the feeling of food sliding down my esophagus! Sounds so ridiculous! But it's true! So I kept a steady stream of it sliding down my esophagus! For lunch I downed a bottle of chocolate milk and a 'share size' pack of m&ms. Share size? Really? You must be joking. I'll eat them all myself, thanks. The act of eating was very calming to me. This afternoon I felt a wave of good chemicals wash through my brain and suddenly could see hope again.

If this is a hormonal/chemical thing (I think it is chemical in one way or another), then I need to go into survival mode for a bit, and perhaps go back at the diet when I feel ready. Dodgy territory perhaps but I'm very binge-sensitive right now and need to not go back into daily binge-starve. :(
 
I think the very last part of your post has the relative word- "starve". Somehow you have to try to think that you are not depriving yourself of things, but concentrating on eating healthy food as a nurturing thing. Starving yourself (eating too few calories) almost always leads to binging. I'm not sounding too clear here I realise. I'm not feeling great this morning as I have an upset stomach. I'll start again....
Try to think of yourself as someone who deserves to be looked after & nurtured. Choose healthy food & enough to satisfy you, so that you are not hungry. Drink more water. Try to get a good night's sleep. Go for a walk. Look at yourself in the mirror & smile. Be kind to yourself. Forget "being on a diet" & concentrate instead on taking care of yourself. Sending you lots of hugs, xoxoxoxo Cate
 
What Cate said. Which is exactly what I needed to hear right now. On top of
cate said:
Choose healthy food & enough to satisfy you
Click to expand...
Make sure it´s something that satisfies not only your stomach but also your brain and taste buds. I´ll try, too...
 
Thanks for the support, ladies. I've been down this road so many times in my 50 years there is no way of thinking about this that is new to me. ;) Oh I have tried it all, written the threads, announced all the new approaches, failed, deleted them all (not just here). :banghead: I have even, at times, been able to focus on nutrition or seeing food as nourishment. Yes. It was nice. I haven't been able to do it since. I don't expect anybody to understand! I don't understand it myself.

More strange ramblings...

I just want to take up less space. I don't mean that in a reducing-myself-to-nothing way, or because I want to be invisible. I just don't feel comfortable taking up this much space. I feel as if it's wrong. I can't remember what it was like to be skinny! I was skinny for a good few decades. Effortlessly. Just built that way. But then things happened physically, psychologically, and situationally to change that. I look at a few of my 25 year old male co-workers, laden with the right kind of hormones for a kick-ass metabolism. Effortlessly. They are RAIL thin. This has nothing to do with attractiveness, just my bemusement the concept of having such a tiny butt and such stick-like legs. What must that feel like to inhabit? I'm sure for them, it's nothing. They don't even think about it. I think about how much extra space my thighs take up, pretty much every single second of the day. I have a BF who has always been nothing but flattering to me and my body, no matter what size it was at the time, and that's nice. But still. I think about it. I *do* have a form of exercise that I love so much I can't get enough of it. It burns calories like the dickens and builds thigh muscle. However, it's the excess fat ON TOP of that muscle that is really pissing me off. It is there because I eat too much, plain and simple, and have done steadily now for the past 5 years.

I'm still in binge-prevention mode and opted for breadsticks and sauce instead of a full-blown pizza. Talk about Wheat Belly.

I want so badly to buy and wear fun clothes. I know I *could* do that at my present size and yes lots of women embrace their various sizes and good for them but I'm not one of them. I just want my butt to take up less space.
 
Ok. I managed to get back on it again. I figured out some things. What I did before that worked was to completely separate or suspend all emotion regarding food. It really made eating (or eating less) very simple. I eat a small meal when it's time to eat, and not when it's not. I can have a snack if I'm getting SO hungry between meals that I can't focus on work, but it only takes something small to tide me over until a meal time.

If my brain is not set to unemotional mode regarding food, I eat ALL THE TIME. And I want to eat all of the time. There is no respite. It's absolutely insatiable.

As long as there is nothing traumatic going on, and no hormones raging, I'm able to make this part of it work.

I've fallen back regarding exercise though and I really need to be better about this. Today I tried to run up as many flights of stairs as I could in one go. I had 18 floors to play with. I think I did it in 4 sections - about 4 or 5 floors at a time.

I was afraid I'd blown my chances to fit back into the smaller fat pants but I'm happy to say I can still get them on, and the button done up. I can't do the hooks up though, so had to keep those open for now. I had to throw the big fat pants away because they were literally falling apart.
 
Three years later...

To recap:
Age and sex: Early fifties / F
Weight (be sure to mention whether it is in lb or kg): 73 kg
Height (for BMI calculation): 5 ft 10 (yes I know. Mixing metric & imperial).
Bodyfat % (a better guide to obesity levels and calculating nutrition information if available), if you know it.: don't know

What your current diet looks like (food, calories and macro information if possible): I do better with lower carbs, but not "low carb" and definitely not keto!

Current exercise (type, frequency, duration) : speed skating + off skate exercises, at-home weights, walking (5+ miles a day).

I'm dredging up my journal here once again, as a place to hold myself accountable to the promises I'm making to myself. I'm not going to make a big song and dance over it. Today is 'day 1' for the umpteenth time but I'm going about it more from a 'put myself first' kind of place, rather than self-loathing. I really want to get away from the self-loathing. I really want to stick to the workout plan I have set for myself.
 
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