A serious question about talking with other other people (or opposite sex)
- Thread starter Dallen
- Start date
Well this just sucks. I really don't understand all of it. If women can detect every flaw you have, then I suppose I will never be able to get anyone. I mean I'm not perfect, and my number one flaw is just being a sort of shy person. But I'm very open if the other person is open, it's just that I have no idea where that person is or how to meet her. So I suppose this is just going to suck. I guess if a girl can detect a man's flaw, then I guess if I see someone with someone, then it means they're perfect, perfect because that's what I'm getting with all this.
General rules of thumb I've discovered:
1.) Make eye contact when they laugh, maybe try to reciprocate with a smile
2.) If you notice, friends stand like 15 degrees from each other when they talk. They never really look at each other that much.
3.) Never stare at someone because you think that all eye contact is good eye contact
4.) Look them in the eye when shaking hands always
5.) If you tell a joke, look at them if they aren't laughing to gauge their reaction
6.) Look at them if you feel they are becoming detached form the convo and you want to reel them back in, once you have reeled them back in, look away.
TBH, I never really know a good place to look when I'm not looking at the person. I just like, look off into the distance, or at other people walking by, or whatever.
1.) Make eye contact when they laugh, maybe try to reciprocate with a smile
2.) If you notice, friends stand like 15 degrees from each other when they talk. They never really look at each other that much.
3.) Never stare at someone because you think that all eye contact is good eye contact
4.) Look them in the eye when shaking hands always
5.) If you tell a joke, look at them if they aren't laughing to gauge their reaction
6.) Look at them if you feel they are becoming detached form the convo and you want to reel them back in, once you have reeled them back in, look away.
TBH, I never really know a good place to look when I'm not looking at the person. I just like, look off into the distance, or at other people walking by, or whatever.
Women have problems too, like people. Treat them as people. I think step one is you just talk to people that look interesting, or at least say "hi" with a smile. Learn to connect with people before you set out to find "The perfect girl"
And by connect with people, I mean get the **** over yourself and take interest in someone else besides yourself.
You need to build your confidence my friend. Thinking that because you have flaws means you can't get a woman isn't right. EVERYONE HAS FLAWS. We aren't living in the movies where everyone is perfect.
I don't know your age...high school...college...younger...older..... If you are "older" maybe a speed dating service could work or religious functions. I know a lot of churches and temples in my area have social night. If you are religious at all, then you have something in common with these folks to talk about. Maybe take a class (art, pottery, martial arts, or something like that) and meet people through that. At that point you have topics of conversation.
I am sure something will work out for you. Things always do
Stay positive and confident. I wish you the best of luck.Keep us posted.
Edit - Do you have friends that might be able to "hook you up" with someone they know has common interests?
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You need to build your confidence my friend. Thinking that because you have flaws means you can't get a woman isn't right. EVERYONE HAS FLAWS. We aren't living in the movies where everyone is perfect.
I don't know your age...high school...college...younger...older..... If you are "older" maybe a speed dating service could work or religious functions. I know a lot of churches and temples in my area have social night. If you are religious at all, then you have something in common with these folks to talk about. Maybe take a class (art, pottery, martial arts, or something like that) and meet people through that. At that point you have topics of conversation.
I am sure something will work out for you. Things always do
Keep us posted.
Edit - Do you have friends that might be able to "hook you up" with someone they know has common interests?
Thanks for the tips. You make good suggestions.
I think I discovered something, that I never noticed before. I notice my thought pattern is like I feel I have to offer something to women. It doesn't matter who I'm talking to. I noticed it from just going to the store. There was this woman there, who I have no attraction to, but at the same time, I felt like I had to offer her something before I could talk to her. Then at church, when we were greeting, I noticed I started thinking, "Well I got nothing interesting to say to her, so I won't talk to her." I guess what I think is that other people are better than me, so they have more to offer to someone. Thus far, it's confirming to be true.
I don't know how to get out of that pattern or even know what to do anymore. This is a serious conundrum, for sure.
I'm starting to think that maybe what would work out for me is if I can learn to live by myself first. Perhaps I'll never meet anyone, and that should be fine. I mean isn't it selfish to always think about yourself all the time?
I just feel that's giving up, and I don't want to give up, but at the same time, I don't know what I'm giving up. It's confusing as anything and it's driving me nuts!
Nah, people don't love perfect, people love flaws. People love James Dean, Marlon Brando, John MacEnroe and people like that. Somebody without flaws dull. Some flaws like desperation though aren't liked by many women though
People love talking about themselves. Ask questions, then based on the answer you should have more topics to ask about. It's like a chain reaction...ask away. Some girls are real talking machines, you ask a simple question and they go on and onnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnnn and onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
->BSL nailed this thread.
Also, Dallen, I have to say that I can really see a positive change in you. I haven't been around for a while so I see the difference pretty clearly.
There is only one thing you need to do and the rest will fall in place. Make friends, make it your priority but don't try too hard or go out of your way. It's not a job or an objective, it's just something you want to do 'cause you want to do it. Don't be clingy, that is, IMO, the worst thing you can do.
About eye contact - When she makes eye contact with you, simply hold it until she breaks it - they rarely stare excessively. Try to match her own style of eye contact.
->BSL nailed this thread.
Also, Dallen, I have to say that I can really see a positive change in you. I haven't been around for a while so I see the difference pretty clearly.
There is only one thing you need to do and the rest will fall in place. Make friends, make it your priority but don't try too hard or go out of your way. It's not a job or an objective, it's just something you want to do 'cause you want to do it. Don't be clingy, that is, IMO, the worst thing you can do.
About eye contact - When she makes eye contact with you, simply hold it until she breaks it - they rarely stare excessively. Try to match her own style of eye contact.
Thing about desperation though. Aren't we all desperate? I mean if I talk to a woman, doesn't that mean I'm automatically desperate because of the fact that now I am attempting to make someone like me or at the very least attempt to get to know someone?
I talked with a therapist and she said that many young women are desperate to start a family. So my question is if these women are so desperate to start a family and find someone to have, then wouldn't it make sense that if someone like me, who is supposedly a good person, come along and say Hi, that they should at the very least attempt to see if I am that person that fits her wants?
To me, the vibe I'm getting is that I'm so terrible that if I do happen to discover someone who likes me, that the person will probably think of me as a last stop, a last attempt. Like she'll say, here wear this paper bag over your head. Then she can get along with me.
Thanks for the tips. I do see a fault in "being friendly with everyone." I do know that currently, I am a fairly friendly person. I don't think I ever not told someone hi back, or not smiled at someone, or not asked someone how someone is doing. The problem is that beyond that, nothing occurs, ever.
When I listen to other guys and girls talk, what I hear is just a flow of ideas. Like a guy says something, then the girl interestingly talks back and they both share ideas. I mean when I go up and try the exact same thing, I get nothing back. Perhaps it's a speech impediment of mine or hearing impairment? That prevents conversational talking?
If I could just have a friend who is a girl, that would be a huge, huge boost to my self-esteem. But as of currently, not a single person even sees me as that. And no, I don't talk about being lonely or stuff. I mean I only shared this to maybe three people I know in real life besides the doctors. That's it. No one else knows it, but from the sounds of it, every single woman in this entire planet already knows that I'm a desperate, lonely idiot and if I dare try talking to one, I'm to be ignored. That's the vibe I get.
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If I am talking to a female, I sometimes comment on their clothes lightly or their hair.. they seem to love compliments :/ Depends on how well you know them, if its the first time, adapt to the surroundings your in, shopping, work, education bla bla, revolve your questions around that. Everyone's different
It's been my experience that the best way to engage someone in a conversation is to ask him (or her) questions about himself. Most people will
gladly answer those types of questions and will likely ask you similar questions.
Ex: what machines do you use here? How long have you been coming here? At the gym, ask for tips, people will love that.
With girls, also ask questions about her, What do you do? Did you go to school around here? What are you studying or what did you study? Etc ..
Usually if you start out like that you can expand on the answers and get
a decent conversation going. People love to talk about themselves and that
frees you from having to come up with topics, lol.
gladly answer those types of questions and will likely ask you similar questions.
Ex: what machines do you use here? How long have you been coming here? At the gym, ask for tips, people will love that.
With girls, also ask questions about her, What do you do? Did you go to school around here? What are you studying or what did you study? Etc ..
Usually if you start out like that you can expand on the answers and get
a decent conversation going. People love to talk about themselves and that
frees you from having to come up with topics, lol.
That's GOLDEN advice!!!
I've had a few people ask me "so you do a spin-class before doing this class too?" or other stuff about my routine...and like a babble-headed moron I spew-on almost indefinitely...as if people really want an answer that requires more then 20 seconds. Still, Mx2B is totally right on that call...
the best thing to do is to find her opinion on something that you agree with (nothing contraversial) and slightly disagree - but by the end of the conversation come around to your actual feeling - she thinks she's changed your opinion and you've listened.
Absolutely guaranteed to work - proves you listen, are attentive, and are willing to change - the 3 things women are genetically programmed to look for in a fella.
Absolutely guaranteed to work - proves you listen, are attentive, and are willing to change - the 3 things women are genetically programmed to look for in a fella.
They also have a kind of SONAR for gold cards, they can also detect the smell of the leather seats of a Ferrari on your clothes
Study my friend
Excellent advice that works with EVERYONE. Guys and girls love to talk about themselves and their interests.
Recommend you read/audio book How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Awesome stuff.
Hey everyone, thanks for the advices. However, no progress as of yet. It's getting really hard. Today I had one decent conversation with a person, but otherwise, I'm back to square one.
I just don't get it.
Do you think hearing & speech impairments might play a huge role in gaining friends? I mean over all I have problems all across the board. Sometimes I think if I had good hearing, I wouldn't have half of these problems. However, the problem is that I'm neither deaf nor good, so it's really in between with things. But I don't think anyone understands it fully. Like to give you an example of what I go through each day, imagine yourself in water and your head is floating up and down and you can hear another person talk, and sometimes the words are clear because your head is out of the water, but other times since your head is underwater, you hear mumbles. That's exactly what I'm going through, and it's just hard to pretend long enough until the person starts with specifics and it's impossible to come out and fully get what the other person just said.
I just don't get it.
Do you think hearing & speech impairments might play a huge role in gaining friends? I mean over all I have problems all across the board. Sometimes I think if I had good hearing, I wouldn't have half of these problems. However, the problem is that I'm neither deaf nor good, so it's really in between with things. But I don't think anyone understands it fully. Like to give you an example of what I go through each day, imagine yourself in water and your head is floating up and down and you can hear another person talk, and sometimes the words are clear because your head is out of the water, but other times since your head is underwater, you hear mumbles. That's exactly what I'm going through, and it's just hard to pretend long enough until the person starts with specifics and it's impossible to come out and fully get what the other person just said.
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