What should I do with this relationship?

O

Olivia17

New member
For the last few years I've been talking and e-mailing back and forth with this fantastic man! I have never felt like this for anyone ever before, I want to say I'm in love with him but...I want to meet him and he lives on the other side of the USA, my parents will no let me go to meet him even though I'm over 18 years old. I don't know how to get around these things at all. I'm not happy, that's basically it. I feel that he is the one for me, but knowing that it looks I will not get to meet him any time soon is killing me, I can't eat or sleep, I wake up at 5 am and think about him until I have to get up, the same with falling asleep. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice for me? :(

...one sad girl.....
 
I've had my fair amount of internet relationships, and I think sharing my experience may help you!

First off, MOST people you meet online, are pretty honest about their age, sex, and location. (At least, if you meet them on a forum. Meeting them in a chatroom... is more sketchy.) Though, you say you've been chatting with him for a few years. It's terribly rare that you would find a stalker who is that patient (and unlikely to begin with--stalkers are rarer than the media would let on). But have you talked to him over the phone? If not, I suggest doing that for a few months before meeting up.

But when it comes to meeting up with people you met online... I've done it with at least 6 separate people, an uncountable amount of times. And I have more trips to meet people planned. BUT, for your first time ever doing something like this, I recommend bringing a friend along--going to the other side of the country is a long way away, and if things don't work out... well, there's safety in numbers. To be honest though, I doubt you have anything to worry about. Again, talk on the phone to him if you haven't, and do it a lot. Be warned though: Once you meet him in person, it's HARD going back and only being able to talk online.

But convincing your parents seems to be the biggest problem for you, and I don't know how much I can help with that. My dad has never been against my trips to meet e-friends, but he's open minded and modern like that. I wouldn't recommend lying to your parents though, because if something DOES happen, they NEED to know where you are. Since you're over 18 though, it's really your call in the end, as long as you pay for the trip.

But why doesn't he come to see you? That might be easier. That way, you can meet him in a safe place, and then have a better chance of going to visit him next time.
 
I think my parents would be the same way, although I've never been in the same situation. It might be easier for him to come see you, considering your parents don't approve of letting you go across the country by yourself to meet someone you've never met. I understand their concerns, but maybe if he came to where you live and you met him in a safe place and hung out for a couple days, you could introduce him to your parents. Then maybe they'd be more lenient in letting you go visit him because they would've met him.

And I'm definetely with Wild Vulpix about the whole talking on the phone thing...I doubt he's some crazy person if he's been talking to you online for a long time and has been patient with it. If he doesn't want to talk to you on the phone, then that could be a red flag...I mean, wanting to meet, but not being able to chat on the phone for awhile before? Whatever you do, just make sure you be safe about it. :)
 
Well, I have talked with him on the phone. Actually, WAY more than I have ever e-mailed. I just know that he is the one for me, but here are the only other problems that I have to figure out...

1) he smokes, and I am extremely sensitive to the smoke or anything that smells like it.

2) he is a different religion.

3) he is several years older.

If I can only figure these things out it would be great, + I'm not sure when I should tell my parents. They know that I know him but that's it. They are SO picky about this, I know they would be.
 
smoking sounds like it's a deal breaker for you... and since you mention religion that sounds like it's a problem too

Sounds like you're more in love with the fantasy of being in love than being in love with him.

but you're over 18 - move out of the house -get out on your own - you're old enough -be an adult... then do what you want without parental approval - it's your life and your relationship... so how important is parental approval?
 
Olivia - why not ask him to come to you instead of you going there? Since he's older and you have concerned family about your meeting him, it might help things if you stayed in your familiar and comfortable surroundings when you meet in person for the first time. Is that an option?
 
You can not possibly be in love with a person until you have seen them Chew... Smelled them.... looked them in the eye!
You know nothing about this person other than what he has told you.

You are an 18 year old female. He is an older man. He should be willing to do all the work. He should pay to come and visit you and meet your parents.

If he is on the up and up. He would make all the effort to come and visit you.
 
oh yeah I forgot...
Shame on you Malificent for saying.. "How important is parental approval" Shame Shame!!
Her Parents love her. This guy is probably some married creepo perv!
 
IMO knowing what I know now and what I believe and why.. "religion" would be the deal braker. If someone didnt share the same doctrinal beliefs as I did I wouldnt consider a relationship with them. We should not be unequally yoked. Again, this is only my opinion and not intented that anyone be offended.
 
how old is 'several' years older?

as for the religion, that is something you and him would have to figure out, eventually...but not really, unless you plan on getting married.

and ask him to respect your wishes and not smoke...he might listen, he might not.
 
Shep03 said:
and ask him to respect your wishes and not smoke...he might listen, he might not.
Click to expand...
Unless a person quits for good, the smoke smell is still on their clothes, their hair, their skin, the furniture in their place, and worst of all - their bodily emissions :)
 
Have you ever discussed that you are touchy about smoke? Has it ever come up? If it has and he knows this, then it's up to him to respect your wishes. IF this hasn't come up, you've got a lot more "getting know you" before you even meet him.

Has he ever offered to come see you? If yes, why haven't you takin him up on it? If no, that's strike one.

I've spent years [since I was 11] living my life in chatrooms and forums and talking to people online and talking about meeting and as I got older, I learned the undertones of what some people will do and at what lengths.

Is this all one sided? If so, is it all you? Does he try to contribute to anything? Or is his attitude "please come see me, I want to get you away from your parents and show you my town?" Cause that's an excuse, on his part.

Have you ever talked about him to your parents? My parents have knwn almost everyone I spoke to as the years went by [maybe not EVERYONE but the regulars mainly] and as I got older, she's gotten more and more comfy with me going and meeting these people since she "knows" them like I do.

Does he want to start a relationship? If so, how come he hasn't at least spoken to your parents in any form?

Are you scared of his age and your parents dissaproving? If so, maybe you need to sit down and look at it from their perspective. I'm 19yrs old and even I will sit down and wonder "What's a man this age want with me?". Yes "love" has no age, but people across the internet, sometimes they do at first.

Has he ever offered to help pay for you to come out there? If yes, why not take him up on it? If no, why hasn't he? Is he cheap with his money? Does he want you to foot all the bills and again him saying "if you come here and pay your way...I'll pay for everything we do here..." you can't trust that. Does he have a job where he could pay for you to come out there. If he doesn't have a job or is in a very tight money situation, re-evaluate why you want to be with him. [now don't get me wrong, dating/loving someone with no job or just scrimping by is NOT bad at all, but some people will get in with others so they can use them].

Have you ever spoken about religion? Do you two agree on anything or would it be a prominant arguement?

There's a LOT you need to sit down and think about first.

By all accounts, I'm an adult and tho I live under my parents roof I wouldn't change my policey if I didn't and my policey is.......

Anyone who wants to meet me, will come HERE and meet me, on my turf where I have the safety of my own ground. And 99% of all men will accept and respect that because of safety reasons. Doesn't matter your age, it's the internet, bad things CAN happen and it's best to be near home and not across the country if they do!
 
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Olivia17 said:
I feel that he is the one for me, but knowing that it looks I will not get to meet him any time soon is killing me, I can't eat or sleep, I wake up at 5 am and think about him until I have to get up, the same with falling asleep. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice for me? :(

...one sad girl.....
Click to expand...

Get a counsellor. No seriously. There is no such thing as 'the one', thats something a child thinks. If you cant be independent without him then its doomed to fail, why would he want somebody totally dependant on him unless hes an abuser? he wouldnt, he will either get sick of you and move on or you end up in an abusive relationship.

A good relationship is where there are 2 indeviduals who come together with respect and independance, their own friends as well as joint friends, their own hobbies and interests as well as joint ones.
 
I met my girlfriend in a Yahoo Pool game when I was just starting my Sophomore year in High School. I'm now finishing up my Junior year in college.

The internet has some good things to offer, but if this guy is sixteen years older than you and you're bringing your parents in to it I'm guessing you're not of any age to be with him. As someone else said, he sounds like a pervert. There are plenty of other people out there; you may think you love him now, but you can find someone MUCH better, MUCH more near your age and MUCH more near you who you can love just as much if not more. Just have to give yourself a little time
 
if he hasn't offered to come see you and meet your parents because he obviously knows of their disapproval, then he knows he is doing something wrong. red flag. he's sixteen years older, i'm assuming he's in his 30's, attempting to be in a relationship with someone in their early 20's, still living at home...the situation isn't right.

does he even feel the same way you do? in his 30's he should be financially stable and have the ability to come there and meet you, IF he wanted to, regardless of what your parents say. he could stay in a hotel. if for some reason he doesn't want to, then that's shady.

this could potentially be a bad situation to get in.
 
Honestly...I'd let this one go and find someone in real life closer to your own age.
 
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