Trying to motivate daughter to diet
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Truffle Monster
Active member, Cyclist
Hi there,
Ive recently taken a short break from this forum to focus elsewhere but I’m back and slowly catching up on all the posts.
firstly mate well done. Being a single parent (this may be a bit controversial here) but especially a single Father is TOUGH. you’re doing the best you can and no one; including you can judge you for what you “miss”.
I’ve been trying to stealthily motivate my partner who WANTS to lose weight and it’s hard.
when you’re dealing with wanting to change something about someone else you have to be very careful to ensure that they want to make the change; otherwise you’re imposing on them.
in a previous life I was married to horrible woman who suffered badly from depression and this resulted in her abusing and blaming everyone around her. She admitted there was something wrong but flat out refused to get help. She actively wanted to NOT get treatment because she didn’t want to hear that there was something wrong with her.
In my opinion a lot of obese people who want to lose weight will say they don’t and put up a facade that they’re happy because they don’t want to admit that they have to because they’re not ready for the change (for MANY reasons).
My point here is this is a choice your daughter has to make, the worst thing you can do is force it. That may work for the weight (short term) but will likely have hugely detrimental relationship consequences.
When dealing with mental health first aid we steer clear of “you” ie; “you need to lose weight for your health.” Instead we use “I” as in “I’ve noticed some weight changes, can we talk about it?” The answer will probably be no and you have to respect that.
when you were describing your days you eluded to you both prepare your own breakfast and don’t eat dinner together. Sharing meals is a great opportunity to open up these conversations. Maybe try in the morning; prepare breakfast for you both; something she likes and then open the conversation.
good luck. It’s a very tough subject but timing is important and getting Genuine buy in from you daughter is critical.
Ive recently taken a short break from this forum to focus elsewhere but I’m back and slowly catching up on all the posts.
firstly mate well done. Being a single parent (this may be a bit controversial here) but especially a single Father is TOUGH. you’re doing the best you can and no one; including you can judge you for what you “miss”.
I’ve been trying to stealthily motivate my partner who WANTS to lose weight and it’s hard.
when you’re dealing with wanting to change something about someone else you have to be very careful to ensure that they want to make the change; otherwise you’re imposing on them.
in a previous life I was married to horrible woman who suffered badly from depression and this resulted in her abusing and blaming everyone around her. She admitted there was something wrong but flat out refused to get help. She actively wanted to NOT get treatment because she didn’t want to hear that there was something wrong with her.
In my opinion a lot of obese people who want to lose weight will say they don’t and put up a facade that they’re happy because they don’t want to admit that they have to because they’re not ready for the change (for MANY reasons).
My point here is this is a choice your daughter has to make, the worst thing you can do is force it. That may work for the weight (short term) but will likely have hugely detrimental relationship consequences.
When dealing with mental health first aid we steer clear of “you” ie; “you need to lose weight for your health.” Instead we use “I” as in “I’ve noticed some weight changes, can we talk about it?” The answer will probably be no and you have to respect that.
when you were describing your days you eluded to you both prepare your own breakfast and don’t eat dinner together. Sharing meals is a great opportunity to open up these conversations. Maybe try in the morning; prepare breakfast for you both; something she likes and then open the conversation.
good luck. It’s a very tough subject but timing is important and getting Genuine buy in from you daughter is critical.
Intellectual vegetable
New member
Nature vs nurture. Predominately in this case, your daughter is a product of her environment. For 17 years, she was exposed to a specific way of eating. Her mindset likely won't change in any short amount of time.
What caused you to change? My guess is that something big happened (near death experience or relationship termination are two common reasons). Even if it was something smaller (your doctor showed you your health in numbers and you academically associated it with a near death situation), it took a hefty nudge inside you to make the change. Likewise, for your daughter to change, something inside her has to change. The will to change has to come from her. And the same trigger that did it for you won't necessarily be what it takes for her.
What caused you to change? My guess is that something big happened (near death experience or relationship termination are two common reasons). Even if it was something smaller (your doctor showed you your health in numbers and you academically associated it with a near death situation), it took a hefty nudge inside you to make the change. Likewise, for your daughter to change, something inside her has to change. The will to change has to come from her. And the same trigger that did it for you won't necessarily be what it takes for her.
Intellectual vegetable
New member
If you really want to provide the best opportunity for your daughter to change, I think a great way to do so is by changing her environment and routines.
I know when I visit my parents in the home i spent most of my high school in, all my childish habits come flooding back. I talk differently, I eat differently, and I am generally lazier. I think to combat your daughter's eating habits, you should alter the house you're living in. You could move, but you don't have to. Simply moving furniture (or replacing it if it's time), painting the rooms a new color, and putting up drapes or a new set of blinds can be extremely beneficial. Making the place look and feel different allows you to lay down the groundwork for your daughter as a new beginning.
You mentioned you two are both up together in the morning. I think to break her routine and introduce a better eating plan, you should take turns cooking breakfast for each other. This way you can give her a good start to the day, albeit every other day. Make sure you include lots of vegetables and fruit (bananas and/or berries in oatmeal is just fine).
I also think being involved with her is crucial, as I'm sure you would agree. You said you have the opportunity to work from home on occasion. I think taking lunch with your daughter (at her school) on those days would help a lot. I would suggest bringing a huge salad for yourself. Make it big and colorful (purple cabbage, yellow bell pepper, nuts and seeds, etc.). You want all of her schoolmates to see what you're eating. You want them to talk about it. You don't have to call attention to it. If you make it big and colorful enough, they will notice. The more times you can do it, the better. And the answer when you inevitably get asked is "I'm just being mindful of what I eat. I think eating this salad will help me with my own health issues."
That's what I would do if I was in your situation. I hope the best for you and your daughter.
I know when I visit my parents in the home i spent most of my high school in, all my childish habits come flooding back. I talk differently, I eat differently, and I am generally lazier. I think to combat your daughter's eating habits, you should alter the house you're living in. You could move, but you don't have to. Simply moving furniture (or replacing it if it's time), painting the rooms a new color, and putting up drapes or a new set of blinds can be extremely beneficial. Making the place look and feel different allows you to lay down the groundwork for your daughter as a new beginning.
You mentioned you two are both up together in the morning. I think to break her routine and introduce a better eating plan, you should take turns cooking breakfast for each other. This way you can give her a good start to the day, albeit every other day. Make sure you include lots of vegetables and fruit (bananas and/or berries in oatmeal is just fine).
I also think being involved with her is crucial, as I'm sure you would agree. You said you have the opportunity to work from home on occasion. I think taking lunch with your daughter (at her school) on those days would help a lot. I would suggest bringing a huge salad for yourself. Make it big and colorful (purple cabbage, yellow bell pepper, nuts and seeds, etc.). You want all of her schoolmates to see what you're eating. You want them to talk about it. You don't have to call attention to it. If you make it big and colorful enough, they will notice. The more times you can do it, the better. And the answer when you inevitably get asked is "I'm just being mindful of what I eat. I think eating this salad will help me with my own health issues."
That's what I would do if I was in your situation. I hope the best for you and your daughter.
EmmaQ
New member
Hello! I think maybe it's worth taking her to a psychologist? This is a very difficult situation, it really affects her health. My friend had a similar situation, but her child was much younger, in this case it is easier than with an adult. She should understand herself that this is wrong, maybe she better know the opinion of the doctors. Good luck!
kittycat1
New member
I know topic is few months old, but I still feel like replying to it.
I would stick with aiminglow here. I was also fat teen, I think I was hitting 220 lbs when I was 15. And I can say what was helpful, and what wasn't in my case.
Worst thing were, as aiminglow said, even mentioning my weight. These years are pretty mentally fucked up, especially for girls. I must admit somehow I could handle my mom's gentle comments. But when my dad mentioned my weight for the first time I was devastated. I couldn't believe what I'm hearing. He snapped unfortunatelly, because probably some members of family were complaining of his daughter's weight, so he redirected his frustration directly towards me. It was terrible, he was screaming, I was crying. Communication with male authoritive figure is crucial for girls of that age, and it's very bad when stuff like that are even mentioned, even with good intentions. I believe things would be easier if your girl had a mother, but it's how it is.
You are alone with her, and you are worried for her health. That's good start. I like how you aware that you gave her bad example while you were fat. That's probably good place to start developing emphatetic approach.
I can continue my story and tell you what helped me. I went to the regular doctor appointment, and of course, the doctor suggested weight loss. My mom was with me all the time, she wasn't judging me at all, she listened to doctor's words, she smiled, and said thank you for your suggeston. We went out and she gently mentioned that we should make some food plan - together. She will be here, she will take care of my meals and she will help me. I felt safe and supported, I had doctor's opinion which was a harsh fact, but on the other hand I had mother who was willing to help me.
I have gave up bread and sweets immediately, I started doing dance classes 3x a week, and being more active, and next year in school I was down to 190 as I remember.
The most important thing was that she wasn't judgmental at all, and that she SUPPORTED me, in best way possible, she never commented size of my butt, and she took care to make lighter meals. I needed someone to be with me trough all that, and I had that. The dance fitness part was something I had to do on my own, but I met other friends there so they kept me motivated and regular on the classes. And mum was always giving me enough money to pay for classes, I just needed to show up there.
Maybe this story will help you and your daughter. In conclusion, the worst thing you can do is to even MENTION it without actually trying to help (like my dad did). It would be great if you could cook meals for you and her together. If you eat healthy, make her a breakfast as well. Eliminate bread and sweets out of the house. Spend some time on hiking or similar activity, but don't focus on weight. Go hiking but talk about all other stuff.
And yeah, consider going to medical checkup together with her, probably doctor would mention her weight, and you will be there to support her and talk about solving that problem - together, like my mum did. But don't judge, sit, listen , and talk gently. Tell her that she is beautiful and precious to you in every size, but that health has nothing to do with beauty and size. Separate those things, make her learn the difference. You have to be here for her, she shouldn't do that all alone.
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