Trying to motivate daughter to diet

Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PackBrewer

New member
I'm a single dad.

I will take the blame for her weight. As she was growing up, I was heavy, so, I didn't set her up on the right path. I've been " healthy" for a few years now, while she( 17) has just gotten heavier and heavier
She's 260 at 17. I've tried the nice approach, I've tried harsh, all I get back is, " its my body". It's killing me to watch her struggle.
Very soon she's going to wake up 300lb and I don't know what more to do.
What do I do?
 
Hi, PackBrewer & welcome to the forum. This is very hard. No-one could have told me to lose weight. That would only have made me eat more. She probably gives herself a hard enough time as it is. I found an article that may help but doesn't have all the answers. I think if you just keep on being a good role model & only have healthy food in the house that will help. Is there some outdoor activity you could do together like going for a hike or just walking? I think knowing she has your support no matter what & knowing she is loved no matter what is the most important thing. Hopefully, she will decide to take healthy steps herself. Meanwhile focussing on her good points & making sure there is healthy food in the house & being active yourself & maybe asking her if she wants to join you would be my suggestions. I would never mention her size or appearance. I would not talk about her body, but talk about her talents, her abilities or her personality & try to help build her self-esteem.
Here's the article- Don't Talk to Your Overweight Teen—Act!
 
Try not to make it feel like a campaign though. I think I can imagine what she must be going through. Being 17 is tough enough. Maybe start walking around the neighbourhood on your own for a while & then ask her if she would keep you company might be a safer prospect.
 
Just to go into my own mind, its a hard situation for me because I can't let go of the fact that its my fault she got to this point. I didn't step in early enough, I was lazy about it, kept her surrounded by candy and junk.
 
Our younger son was very much overweight as a teenager & I feel totally responsible for that. He listened to me going on about diets & having a very unhealthy relationship with food & my body since he was born. I was not a good example for him at all. He ended up with Bulimia & kept it hidden from us for a long time. He lost his weight in a very bad way & years later he is still very self-critical & it hurts for me to see it. You & I cannot change the mistakes we made. Letting them know they have our love & support is the best thing we can do for them. You can't live their lives for them & you can't change what has happened so far. Just be the loving & supportive Dad that I'm sure you are.
 
I guess, from her POV, this shift is drastic. Going from, " eat whatever, weigh whatever" to " watch your weight"
 
it would help if you could describe a typical day for you and for your daughter. she is 17. does she still attend school or work? do you provide for her meals or is she self sufficient? what do you eat daily and on what schedule?
 
She gets up( I'm up too), she makes her breakfast, I make mine. She goes to school, I go to work( sometimes from home). She will either come home straight away, or hang out with friends after school( which may include hitting a fast food place). She does homework, dinner( if not fast food), she watches tv, bed.
 
Oh, goodness, PackBrewer - I really feel for you, and for your daughter. I can say I've been there (as the daughter) and nothing made me feel more like eating than being told to lose weight. I really would advise you not to even mention it. She'll know well enough what you're thinking, and even the suggestion of a walk might bring on that defiant "it's my body" reaction. I strongly endorse what Cate says, about "don't make a fuss".
But there's great positives - firstly, that she has a seriously committed, loving dad. That's a huge plus. Secondly that she has friends - so she doesn't eat out of loneliness. Though friends can be a force pushing someone into eating, too, in various ways, so that's something to be aware of.

Meanwhile, you're in pole position as far as the household shopping goes, I guess? So you can gradually and without fuss ease out the junkier things, and bring in really good things - maybe framing it as "gourmet", to make it appealing to her,so the emphasis is on having the coolest things to eat, not that old stuff that uncool people eat - prestige food, smoked salmon, rather than fish fingers, mini lemon sorbets not buckets of icecream. The downside is that it's expensive, of course, and I don't have a solution to that. :( You could frame it as adult food, too, not kid food, since she's seventeen? Or that you're suddenly discovering cooking, and you'd like her to give you a hand? "Hey - I was watching {Masterchef or whatever] and I thought that [recipe, not too obviously light] sounded really different! Wanna read it out to me, as I try making it?"
 
some suggestions...

look at the sugar content of what you are eating. understand that low fat usually means high or added sugar. do not obsess on low fat... of the three macronutrients, it is far better for you than a high carb (sugar) diet.

eating before bed is often misconstrued as a weight gaining myth. ...but it has nothing to do with the time of day... it's all about extending the time between dinner and breakfast. your body creates hormones like insulin when it has to digest food and control blood sugar. giving your liver and pancreas a 12 hour rest (4 hours of nighttime + 8 hours of sleep) is one of the best things you can do to "reset" your system daily. packing in some carbs just before bed gives your organs a completely unnecessary jolt.

17 is probably a tough age to find a commonality of activity ideas, but substituting anything that might involve movement vs sitting and watching TV maybe one night a week would be a positive change. do you bowl? might be slightly unpopular with some, but do you go to a gun range? golf?
 
i am not against exercise for the sake of merely exercising, but what you need to look for are lifestyle chances that involve moving. do you know anyone in their 50's who has exercised every day of their life? going to the gym... exercise, is something people do for a while. if you want to hold a lower weight, you need to adapt to a lifestyle that fits your nutritional intake. humans did not evolve to this point to be sedentary most of the day.
 
I think this discussion has got away from the original question, which is how PackBrewer can encourage his daughter to get healthy, without making things worse. I think Amy's suggestion of cooking healthy meals in the evening is a good one. Gently does it.
 
The biggest challenge here is just getting her to agree to exercise, when she's not really into it. It's getting her off the couch, away from the chips and TV thats an obstacle
 
What she eats is much more important than any exercise she does, when weight-loss is concerned. I would try to improve that by stealth if you can by having healthy meals & snacks available.
 
I completely agree with the answers above. In my experience- overweight, eating too much food, give up with activity it is not only a physical problem.
As you said you are single dad- I guess she doesn't have mom which is extremely important for a girl.
Have you tried therapy with a psychologist? I mean not because she is getting bigger, but because each of us should release our emotions and feelings to be able to take the next step (e.g. weight loss). Mostly we don't focus on emotions, but it is, unfortunately, the biggest mistake.
Therapy is hard and takes a long time- she can have even bigger problems with eating, but after therapy, people are usually free of emotions and they can make the right decisions.
I had patients exactly as her, and this is what I noticed.
So what I would suggest is to go and find a good and honest therapist before your daughter will hate herself for what she does and how she looks like.
 
maybe I'm missing signs, but from my standpoint, she seems very happy.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top