Time for Jenefer to Finally Figure this Out!

Jenefer

Jenefer

Active member
Hello Everyone! As I write this, a thought crosses my mind that is a rather common one. How is it possible to want something so badly, yet fail? Even at times when I have been happy with my weight/level of physical fitness, I could not maintain it. For me, I think a lot of it boils down to anxiety and stress. I eat junk when I am stressed and at different points in life I have apparently been pretty stressed. I have sought assistance with dealing with stress and anxiety, but it is still a bit of a battle. I am a fairly active person, so it is very true that you can't maintain your weight with exercise alone. For me this has been really true after the age of 40. Since I just turned 50, I would assume that doesn't get better :)

I would like to lose 30 pounds, well really 40 but I will start with 30. I absolutely know that if I make this too complicated, the idea will exhaust me and I won't do it. So for me, keeping it simple will be key. I need to do things like yesterday, I really wanted something sweet and I was near a store that sells the most wonderful cookies. I had to do some 'self talk' to not go in and get several cookies. I know that seems like a really small simple and obvious thing to do, but for me that kind of thing is big. I also need to not eat when I don't want to deal with something stressful or even boring. Even if I give myself permission to take a nap or watch television or ANYTHING that is not illegal :) besides snack.

Like a lot of people, my biggest stressor is work. Finding a better work/life balance is key. I don't talk about my issues with my weight with anyone, although when I gained 20 pounds this past year, I am pretty sure people noticed. Then I become very self-conscious about it. I did just buy some bigger clothes, because although it is totally illogical, being frustrated about not having something to wear, seems to make me grab some chips. SMH completely illogical! So when I say I snack, it is not like a big huge binge. It really is just snacking, and I think I tend to eat the same sized dinner portion as my husband, which I really don't need to do. I also struggle to eat enough fruit and vegetables.

In summary my plan is to find better coping mechanisms for stress/anxiety than snacking.
Put myself first more, I really do not need to work 12 hour days, every day. People can actually wait.
Try not to take things people say that imply I need to work more personally. It is a way to manipulate me and it works great!
Add more fruit and vegetables in to my daily meals.
Use this as a safe place to actually talk about my issues with my weight. Having the support of like minded folks, with similar goals and likely similar issues with meeting the goals in the past seems like it will be very helpful!

Heck, I have written more about how I feel about my weight here, than I have ever spoken out loud in my life! This was my Hello! post, but Cate kindly suggested I use it to start a diary, which was a great suggestion!
 
I really think it's a great start to a diary. It helps everyone get to know you. I hope you like it here & get lots of support. I know I use my diary for lots of things. I think it's my therapy & it often helps to clarify things for me.
Ask any questions you like & we'll do our best to answer them. Use your diary however you like. It's your space :)
 
Welcome to the forum, Jenefer! Sounds like you have a good idea of your strengths and weaknesses in this game and that's an excellent place to start from.
 
Thank you Cate and Llama for the welcome and support! Llama I would really like to think that I have a good idea about my strengths and weaknesses. I have been working on 'getting to know me' pretty seriously for about 18 years.

That being said as I continue on with my diary I would like to say, that I do welcome helpful supportive comments, someone indicating that they understand what I am going through, if there is something that has worked for you and you think it might work for me...then let the comments roll! What I do not welcome and in fact will find quite triggering is someone 'telling me about myself and what my problems are.' As Llama very helpfully and supportively pointed out, I do know myself. And as I clearly articulated, I do know what my triggers are and what my goals are. So I would very much appreciate it, if comments explaining me to me are kept away from me. Because I know myself well enough to know, that I will get rather annoyed at such interactions.

I feel a bit off track now, so I will try to get back on track. I had a 'teambuilding' work activity today that definitely took me out of my comfort zone. I recently got a promotion and so I will be interacting with people a bit more. I can find that draining. I did get up early, worked out for about an hour, ate a healthy breakfast and off I went. They served pizza for lunch, but I don't think that is a problem, because I can have a slice of pizza. Meals are not usually my problem, like I wrote earlier snacking is. I did manage to avoid that. Fruit-I had a banana yay and a tangerine. Vegetables-corn with dinner. Actually there was some red pepper too! Like I mentioned before, I am not going to have this perfect kind of diet. I am going to try to balance things better, eat smaller portions and work on sitting with my uncomfortable feelings until they pass :) I am going to work on stopping work on time and turning work off in my brain.

I exercise at least an hour a day, that is just typically how long it takes me to do whatever it is I am doing...I own an elliptical, a treadmill a total gym, weights, a step for step aerobics and other things. I did used to be a rather decent runner, and I would like to get back to where I used to be with that. And I would like to do more yoga. But I am just not going to be super hard on myself or have a lot of 'rules' and negative self talk, because I just do not do well with that. When I was at my thinnest, I ran about 4 miles a day, did some ab work and arm work and basically just ate like a normal person. I am 5'7 and weighed 120 pounds. I just didn't worry about food and so I didn't stress-out snack. I didn't track my heartrate and my steps, I just put my shoes on and went for a run. For me, getting stressed and upset is just very counter productive. Now I weigh about 165 pounds and I know that worry and obsessing is going to make it all worse. I probably won't be 120 pounds again, but I sure would like to see 140!
 
Hi, Jen. Don’t be put off by the comment, probably made by a robot( first post & only post)that was in your newcomers thread. It was nonsensical ( & addressed to me) & has been deleted. You will find we are a friendly & encouraging lot, here to lift one another up. Most spam is deleted very quickly. We have no tolerance for it at all. They usually start with a similar post & then try adding links. Ignore them.
 
Congratulations on the promotion! Nothing wrong in my book with having a slice of pizza for a meal. Chasing the fata morgana of perfection isn't helpful for most people.
 
Thank you Em, that means a lot to me! I was feeling a bit tired, but I still wanted to login and 'feel' the support of the forum! :)

Today was a bit of a stressful day. And I didn't follow one of my new rules. I touched my computer to do a quick work thing before I finished my workout. Tsk tsk bad Jen! Because what happens, although I know it sounds odd, is I often literally sit there for 4 hours.

On a fairly regular basis I work from home, which I absolutely love. Actually one of my biggest stresses in life is that this will change. I actually think the fear of losing this perk of my job, is what has caused my most recent weight gain. (But I suppose that is a story for another time.) It does actually help with the work/life balance, although this story doesn't sound like it. But there are some pitfalls, and this is one of them. Because of course once a certain time of the morning rolls around, I end up needing to interact with people. So it is imperative that I get everything done before that happens.

But there is a problem with my brain, where when I latch on to a thought, for lack of a better way to describe it, I will have to act on it for ' just one minute.' I suppose I should mention that I have ADD, the hyper-focused kind. My mind is rarely quiet, but I am a quiet person, so it is odd. I am also extremely organized and dislike clutter. So no one knew I had ADD until I was in my late 30's. I didn't fit the typical symptoms I suppose. I can sit still for hours on end, lost in whatever it is I am working on. I am writing so much about this, to reinforce that this negative behavior, weirdly wired brain be damned, needs to stop. More self talk when it does happen. Like..."this is the ADD, you know that, you know that you should not do this." There is a lot of this self-talk in my life :) But alas today that did not work. I still got about 45 minutes of exercise in, just no abs or arms. So that was not a total loss.

Eating was so so. A bit of snacking when I was annoyed, but nothing off the charts. I did eat a yogurt for some calcium.

Tomorrow I would like to add a bit of what can best be described as a slow jog in to the morning routine, with the hope of building my stamina back to where it once was. That is how I started before. And some abs, no one told me that after 50 the stomach can really be a problem!

I hope all of you lovely people had a good day, met some goals and were kind to yourself! One thing I should mention is all of the self-talk, that I talk about doing, I try really hard not to be negative. To be factual, throw in a bit of self deprecating humor and almost observe myself as if I am watching a play or something. That has really been a work in progress, but now is more of a habit.
 
45 minutes of exercise sounds good to me, even if you didn't do everything you'd planned.
 
It's such a great ability to be able to get lost in work like that, but I can understand that it can be too much at times. I've lost a lot of my focus in the last few months because I've had so much stuff on, but when I need to, I can switch it on, and it's great.
 
Your day sounds ok overall, Jen, considering you felt stressed. It's really good to be self-aware but it would be kinder to think of your brain as differently wired than weirdly wired. Our younger son's partner(in her 40s) was only fairly recently diagnosed with ADHD. I think the diagnoses came along with that of her young twins. She sounds a little similar to you, in the quiet sense & hyper-focused. She & our son get along really well & I see them being very good for one another.
I'm loving the way that you write & am glad you have joined us. I especially loved your last paragraph. Kindness & positivity go such a long way.
 
-You are right LLama, that is the best way to look at it. I did my best and my best is just going to have to be good enough! I like it! :)

-Em at times (and to try to put a positive spin on it) I try to think about it like a bit of my own personal 'super power' we all have one, often we just need to balance it a little! Sounds like your "it is time to hyper-focus' button comes in handy too! :love:

-Cate your kind words are always so uplifting! You are right, different is indeed probably better! I do tend to like to laugh at myself a bit, for many years I took myself and life way too seriously! I am glad your son found a wonderful person that you love and that brought the twins into your life! I am enjoying writing this, it feels amazingly freeing! I am quite glad to have joined you all too!

So today had its ups and downs, but on the whole it was good! I did stick to my plan, did my slow jog, 30 minutes on the elliptical and some abs and arms. I even had to quickly take a call on the elliptical, so hopped off and then right back on. Now that is really rare for me!

There are some things with a computer system that I work with that are not going well. I have been very patient for almost 4 years, today culminating in me being very very clear about the issues which was unpleasant BUT I also worked on getting a group of other end users together to speak with 'one voice' instead of being on our own. The positivity that came from me reaching out to folks I barely know, was AMAZING! Everyone felt so on their own and frustrated. Folks were very excited to get to band together instead of being ignored at best and bullied at worst. I have never been able to stand a bully! This lovely forum was my inspiration, so thank you!

AND drum-roll, I told someone no! Someone I like and enjoy, but I was so very overwhelmed and I would have still been working at midnight. I very politely said...well your own employee (who is paid and recently got a promotion to do this task) can also help you. Have you asked her? To be clear, if I had the time, I would have happily helped him, regardless of whether or not it was my responsibility. BUT there is no reason to work a 16 hour day and that is what would have happened. And that frustration would have led to snacking! :eek: And I should add...I said no to a puzzle! See my differently wired brain immediately went into 'game plan' mode devising a plan of action as we spoke AND to turn down the puzzle to see if my plan led to the correct place, that is a rare thing.

Eating was not bad, healthy breakfast (fruit and fiber were involved folks!) Decent lunch and dinner, some beans and protein were on the menu. And 3 little wafer cookies.

I hope all you lovely people also had a good day and if you did not, that it doesn't get you down, because there is always tomorrow to try again. Thank you for creating a warm and welcoming place, it has really been helpful to me!
 
The site currently only allows me to like your last post but it really deserves a love. What a wonderfully positive person you are.
 
Llama said:
The site currently only allows me to like your last post but it really deserves a love. What a wonderfully positive person you are.
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I tried to love the last post too but my phone won’t let me! I’ll reply properly in the morning. This is my just peeking at the forum time 😊
 
Jenefer said:
-Em at times (and to try to put a positive spin on it) I try to think about it like a bit of my own personal 'super power' we all have one, often we just need to balance it a little! Sounds like your "it is time to hyper-focus' button comes in handy too! :love:
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I love that - the idea of having a super power. I agree, we do all have one.
There are some things with a computer system that I work with that are not going well. I have been very patient for almost 4 years, today culminating in me being very very clear about the issues which was unpleasant BUT I also worked on getting a group of other end users together to speak with 'one voice' instead of being on our own.
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Do you work where I work? Haha.
I hope all you lovely people also had a good day and if you did not, that it doesn't get you down, because there is always tomorrow to try again. Thank you for creating a warm and welcoming place, it has really been helpful to me!
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How lovely! x
 
LLama, Cate and Em...❤️what wonderful thoughtful people you are!❤️ I very much appreciate your kind words! Please forgive me if I accidently reply to myself or do some other odd thing with my use of the forum, I'm still trying to get the hang of it. I do really like this platform! I can't seem to love posts either, but that's okay, I will make my own hearts! 😊

Am I positive? Well I think I can be. I think I have learned the art of appreciating the little things. I once asked my mom why we did certain things, like why did we decide to have a special dinner on a random Sunday. And she said, well if you don't find ways to appreciate the little things like a Sunday when we can all get together...and just wait for a 'big event' you won't have that much to look forward to, because life isn't really full of that many big events. And she said it in like this really practical way. Kind of like always pack a granola bar in your bag, you don't know when you will get stuck in traffic and be starving, lol.

I do try to find joy in the little things, but I also have learned, the hard way, that not trying to be that way was very counter productive to being content. I like the word content, some people may think it means to settle for something. I equate it to peace. But this is not really the natural way I am made, this was probably many years of work. I was fortunate to find an absolutely wonderful person to work with me. And that really was pure luck, because I do not think I would have clicked with too many people! So it is a choice and I would like to think that I can find the same way to figure out how to be a bit more content with my weight, well not my current weight, but that finding peace with this process will lead to more success.

I can be an extremely intense person. I can get super irritable when I am in situations that I find uncomfortable. And I do need what some may find to be a rather inordinate amount of quiet around me. I have anxiety that I have learned to manage without medicine because it made me feel physically bad, I certainly do not have any issues with better living through chemistry if it works!

Wow how the heck did I write so much about me??? I really am not that interesting! I suppose I didn't want to give the impression that I am this naturally positive the glass is half full person. About 16 years ago I started working towards this, I am still a work in progress :)
So for the day...not too bad. But the differently wired brain latched on to something way to early in the day and that got me a bit off course. Still got in an hour long slow jog/mostly walk fast morning jaunt. Not so many fruits and veggies today. But not too much junk either. I did resist taking one of the big bars of chocolate out of my mother's gift bag! 😇 In all honesty I was eyeing it! Some serious self talk went on there, that if I wanted it that badly I would have to get in my car and drive to the store, not raid the gift bag!!! Turns out I was too lazy to go out.

Tomorrow is another day and a chance to figure it all out all over again, I hope all of you were kind to yourselves! And that you didn't steal any candy from any friends or family members!
 
:D Of course you are that interesting! Maybe not every minute of every day, but nobody is.
Yay for not nicking that chocolate bar out of the goodie bag, that made me lol :D
 
Jenefer said:
I can be an extremely intense person. I can get super irritable when I am in situations that I find uncomfortable.
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I am the exact same but it's something I have got better at dealing with. I did get into rant mode today though, which wasn't great. Whoops.

And yes, content is a good way to be and not wanting to keep flying from big event to big event. I do prefer when things are a bit exciting though, I have to say.
 
I think content is a lovely way to be. We can't all be super jolly & jumping out of our skins all of the time, but being content is a nice, peaceful state.
"Wow how the heck did I write so much about me??? I really am not that interesting! " Cate, coughs & pulls you up on that one. I'm finding you interesting & am enjoying getting to know you.
We are all a work in progress xo
 
LLama said- Yay for not nicking that chocolate bar out of the goodie bag, that made me lol :) It actually made me lol, when I found myself slooowly creeping toward the goodie bag today too, Sunday better get here soon!!! Thank you for your kind words ❤️

Em said- "I am the exact same but it's something I have got better at dealing with. I did get into rant mode today though, which wasn't great. Whoops." You know Em..sometimes rant mode is the only mode a certain kind of person hears. I bet you don't start that way, but you're not going to be a doormat either! :love:

Cate said- "but being content is a nice, peaceful state." Exactly Cate! I'm finding you interesting & am enjoying getting to know you. I feel the exact same way about you Cate. You are a lovely, upbeat supportive person! xo

All 3 of you have been so kind to me, I think that has made the words just seem to flow, being in the 'presence' of kindness :grouphug:

So what can I tell you about my day? Well I did go for my slow jog/walk. I do that because I like to get outside when the day is young, sometimes the sun is not even up yet! Then I got off track. You see I work for an organization that operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. While I typically work a 'regular' Monday-Friday 7:30 am to 4:30 pm day (I never really stop at 4:30 pm, but it is a goal!), other folks do not, they work 24 hour rotating shifts. So in order to 'meet them where they are' I sometimes have these odd interruptions. I think it is fair to try to accommodate them, and if I make it happen, then I can get the time back. I just wanted to explain this since I often talk about getting off track...what the problem can be is me getting back on track, lol!

But at noon I went to my exercise room, and used my elliptical for 30 minutes and did some ab work on my ab machine thingy (cant remember the name!). Some push-ups on my knees too. I like it when I can get back on track! I said to myself..you can do 30 minutes, and then if you need to stop, you can. Since I am kind of baring my soul here a bit, I will tell you about another really odd addiction I have developed ! :eek: I live in the United States, but I have become a bit obsessed with some British Soaps....it all started with Coronation Street and then East Enders and then Emmerdale. I know I know...silly tv. But I love them. They are so different from U.S. soaps. They help me get my butt on that elliptical because with my BritBox subscription I can watch one of them, lol! Hmmmm maybe I should have written about watching an educational program in order to expand my mind? ;) But there are no empty calories involved in this guilty pleasure, so maybe that will help shrink my butt! Yeah I'm going to go for the shrinking my butt over expanding my mind for a little while and see how that works out :giggle:

How was the food, I am struggling to remember it actually! I think no junk to speak of. Leftover beef stew with some veggies for lunch, veggie bean burger with air fryer fries and corn on the cob for dinner. And for 'dessert' one of those sugar free 'hard lemonade drinks.' It is Friday for goodness sakes!

Closing thoughts: Sometimes life is hard. We just want someone to give us a hug. Tell us everything will be o.k. Give us a bit of chocolate and 6 million dollars. Find the humor where you can folks!! :ROFLMAO:
 
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