rexie's diary

rexie

rexie

New member
:confused: Hi there, diary....I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here. I feel a little nervous about posting you for thousands of folks to read even if they are total strangers. At the same time however, I feel like there is no other recourse considering the hopelessness that I'm presently feeling! Who knows, possibly there is one other person out there who may be having a similar problem.

I see a tiny, faint light at the end of the tunnel. So far, nothing I seem to do is helping me. Oh sure, in the past I've proven that I can loose weight. If memory serves me right...I weighed around 150 pounds in the 6th or 7th grade and was a very nice looking 135 when I graduated from high school. A few years later I was up to 160; lost 20; shortly thereafter I gained back twice that much! The next time I lost 40 pounds and gained back over twice as much. My next big weight loss was 92 pounds.....I gained back all of that plus enough for another small person.
No!!! I have no problem loosing weight!!!
I have gotten depressed and anxious and used food to medicate.
Therefore, I have not been able to keep it off!​

So, what have I tried, you ask? I've tried every sensible diet and many really crazy fad diets that were published prior to the last 6 years. For the last 6 years a I have been so frightened that if I loose much weight I'll just gain it back plus. I don't think I can handle weighing more that 300 pounds. Although, I'm close to that now...280 pounds! There have also been the "nondiet" diets as I call them. They are suppose to be lifestyle changes! Lifestyle changes, yeah right!:rolleyes:

Right about now, diary, I can hear someone say, "This chick needs her head examined". Well, I am having it professionally examined:D . I'm also reaching out in hopes of receiving support and encouragement and maybe I'll be able to give some as well. So far, the folks in my life, as wonderful as they are, have not been able to understand how difficult it is for me. But then, I don't know if there is anyone anywhere who really is able to understand. I quess everyone feels like that at one time or another, that no one understands. A very dear friend once told me that I was subconsciously avoiding an intimate relationship by gaining weight. At the time he said this I really thought that he had no idea what he was talking about. Recently, I have come to realize that this could very well be true. With this realization I will try one more time.

As of today, I want/need (desperatly need) to loose 120 pounds. Obviously, for more than one reason, but mostly for my health. I would like to reach this goal by June 15, 2007. So, by November 17 I will be half way to my goal and about half the clothes hanging in my closet at present will fit me.That's approximately 2 pounds a week which is what I consider a safe rate of weight loss and realistic.

You now ask how I plan to do this. I plan to use every possible tidbit of info that I can remember from each diet/lifestyle change that I've ever attempted. I plan to eat 4-5 small meals a day as advised by my physician. I plan to eat sensibly. With my education and my history I have adequate knowledge of proper nutrition, proper amounts and when to eat. Calories making up my personalized nutrition plan will include approximately 50% from carbs most of which will be vegetables and some fruits, 25-30% from protein and 20-25% from fats (mostly unsaturated). I will reduce my intake of sugar, caffeine, flour and deep fried foods. I will plan meals on a weekly basis before I shop for the required items. I will keep myself hydrated well with at least 2 quarts of water a day.
I will increase my activity level. I will get adequate rest. I will stay in touch with my physician and my therapist. I will work on eliminating the stressors in my life. I will make an entry in my diary at least 5 times a week. I will do all within my power to encourage and motivate others in their endeavors. I will not forget to thank my Higher Power and ask for strength throughout each day. With motivation, diligence and consistancy I will follow this plan as closely as possible, reaching out for help when feeling weak.
 
You have a great plan! I know it's scary to have people read about your weight and your struggles, but it truly helps to keep us honest with ourselves. Besides that, you're definately not the only one with that kind of a history. I think it's actually quite common. There are alot of people on this site that have admitted to eating for comfort, myself included. There will be plenty of people that can identify with your struggle and give you advice. You're going to find alot of support and motivation from some wonderful people on this site! We'll all be rooting for you. Good luck and stay positive! You CAN make this your final attempt to keep the weight off!
 
thank you

:) thanks for responding! This morning was the first chance, since I started my diary, that I was able to get back to the computer. I haven't been able to figure out how to continue with my diary on this site. I think I just figured it out! I could see how to add to my last post if someone else has not yet added another after my last post. Otherwise, if someone has responded I can just click on respond to continue my daily diary. does that sound right?
You mentioned honesty with ourselves. That has been a really big obstacle to me all my life. I learned the art of denial at a very early age and I still go back there often. When I first thought about using this site the thought went across mind that it might not do me any good as it would be too easy to be dishonest online. However, the stupidity of that was very obvious! I would only be hurting myself. I was always fearful of saying something that someone did not want to hear and their reaction, or that I would reveal something that went on in my disfunctional home and what someone might think of us. I was so well versed at this by the time I was grown that I didn't even realize that I was being dishonest. It took years of therapy to get me where I'm at today. As I said, I still slip sometime but usually realize this soon afterwards and correct myself.

Anyway, I did fairly well sat and sun: well balanced diet, about 10 cups water, only 5 cups of caffiene (I usually drink about 10-15 cups or more on the weekends), I portioned my food into 4 meal each day. I ate no fried foods. My difficulty was when 2 of my staff members brought me goodies. Not one of my staff have ever brought me goodies before. Now if I had told them that I was trying to eat right and they then brought goodies I would have thought that they were trying to sabatage my diet. But these young ladies had no idea as I had not told anyone. I was so flattered that they thought of me that I ate the brownie and 1/2 the candied apple.
I could have done a little better today. I ate 3 meals, drank 8 cups water, no caffiene, adequate amts of protien, but did not eat enough vegies or fruit.

I am having trouble getting back to the exersize.

In spite of my foul ups the past 3 days I refuse at this time to allow mysef to get dicouraged or angry at myself as I have in the past. I have to fight to keep from seeing everything in black or white or all or nothing. This is one of the ways that I have sabataged myself in the past. Even at my age (55) I'm still learning to forgive myself for not being perfect.

Thanks again, Rexie
 
You have agreat attitude and you'll be able to get through this. Keep your head up adn stay POSITIVE. You have been doing great so far. have a good day
 
Stay Posotive And Yes You Are Not Alone And We Are Here For You And Dont You Forget It! I Know You Can Do This And We Are Going To Help You All The Way But I Warn Ya We Give Kicks As Needed!!!! Hehehe So Come On Girlfriend Lets Rock Them Scales!!!
 
:) thanks redneckwoman! that's exactly what I need, to be kept in line. today was good! 4 well balance meals, 7 glasses of water but I'm still working on a bottle which I know I will finish then it will be 8+, 0 caffiene but got to admit I have a craving for a cup, 0 sugar, 0 flour, 0 fried foods, increased activity today. I am working on my menu for next week. as you might notice on my weight tracker I've decided to work on half of my goal at a time. Goal date to reach this is Nov 17. Hope all had a good day!
rexie
 
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:D Today was super!!!:D stuck to my plan! feeling soooooooo good! I was cleaning out my Kitchen cabinets and what did I find but 3 bags of my favorite cookies:eek: ! Honestly, I wasn't looking for them, in fact, I had no idea they were there. I not only didn't eat any but I didn't even have a craving for them. That's a really big mile stone for me. Actually, it's a big mile stone just to have had them there because in the past I ate all of any thing like that before it even got to the cabinet.:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
hope you all had a great day!
rexie
 
Good job at avoiding your downfall!! I bought some of these chocolate sticks last week, and said to myself, these will be great for a quick snack... I ate them all in one day.. so yeah. NO MORE for me. WOn't even buy em now :)
good job on stickin to your plan~ it does feel great !
 
Hey well done...

I am the same, once I give in, one is not enough. For me the trigger is chocolate, once I start goodbye king size bar!

Leslee
 
oops

well, I don't feel so great this am.:( after I posted last night, before I went to bed I ended up eating cookies:mad: and I'm not even going to tell you how many but you can believe it was more than a serving. on the bright side is I didn't eat them all:eek: . the rest are out of the house today;) . Have a good one! tata, Rexie
 
Ok Rexie Be Sure To Throw Them Cookies Away Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***note To Yourself And My Reminder*** Than Setting Your Goals Like That Is So Much Better And Will Help You A Lot But I Know You Can Do This And *********kick*********** That Is For Them Cookies You Should Have Threw Out As Soon As You Found Them Lol I Missed Your Diary Yesterday And I Would Have Told Ya Then! You Can Do This And Minor Setbacks Like This Happen But New Day Today!!!! Do Not Forget!
 
OUCH!!! I felt that redneckwoman~~~Yes, the cookies have been disposed of:eek: . my food plan was good today, well balanced meat, vegies and fruit. however I did drink 3 cups coffee/tea and did not drink near enough water. I was out of pocket today as I had car trouble and had to leave it at the garage. I just got home a few minutes ago and am really thirsty so I will probably have 3-4 cups before bed. I feel good considering in the past I would have been so angry at myself that I would have gone right on binging badly after slipping like I did last night. Also took a good 30 min walk. Oh, and I'm trying not to weigh myself everyday for fear that I will get hung up on the weight loss instead of what's more important, eating right for my health and self control. However, I am wearing a pair of jeans today that I could not get into last week.:D Hope all is well and hang in there!:)
 
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I'm getting ready to eat a nice big salad with about 4oz baked chicken and a bottle of water. Afterwards I'm having company and they will probably be here late so I'm updating my diary early this evening. I could have done better today! I didn't over eat but with the salad I 'm about to eat it will only be 3 meals. My doc is determined that I eat at least 4 meals a day or more. I haven't drank enough water yet today either but hoping to catch up. 0 caffiene, 0 sugar, 0 flour, 0 fried foods. 20 walking. I work long hours on weekend so I might not have energy/time to get online. gotta run! hope all is well! and have a super weekend!:D
 
Hi Rexie. It sounds like you're doing alright. :)
Don't worry about being 280. I actually WAS over 300 pounds a few months ago and now I AM 280! As long as we all keep striving, we'll make it to our goal! p'-'q

I got nothing else really to say except good luck and...
WATER! WATER! WATER! :)
 
Thanks Initial C!......


Saturday I did great! Monday and today my food intake was balanced but only one meal each day and not enough calories for either day. My water intake was poor today..........

Sunday was another matter. I did well untill I was driving home from work. I wasn't hungry but I had had a really stressful day at work. I kept feeling the urge to pig out big time. The commute to/from work is 41 miles and even though I tried not to, I thought about it for quite a long time. I knew if I gave in I was going to have to post it and would get a kick in the pants:(. That's why it's taken me two days to post again.:eek:. I stopped at Walgreen's, one of my favorite spots to by junk food. I bought 2 packages of Skinny Cow's with 6 to a package. I got back on the road and pigged out. I finished off 10 of them and was feeling really sick. I would have eaten the last 2 in spite of how sick I was feeling. Some fool pulled over in front of me almost cut me off using his cell phone and I had to throw on my brakes. When I did, the last 2 rolled onto the floor of the car. At that point I began to wonder how many accidents had been caused by fools on cell phones and bigger fools pigging out while driving!!! You may be thinking that I have been trying to make up by not eating enough the last two days but I don't think so. I've just been trying to keep busy and time is flying by. Then again maybe I am trying subconsiously to punish myself! At any rate, I'm back and ready for the kick in the pants.....
 
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Focus on the positive changes you've made for yourself and not on one afternoon's no-no's. I also find it helpful to focus on one "thing to fix" at a time. If water intake is a problem (I know it is for me) than focus on that and don't beat yourself up over the other stuff.
Keep up the hard work!
Totallyscrappy
 
thanks

Thanks Totallyscrappy for the advice. I do tend to be negative. I need to remember and emphasis how far I've come. Doing better today!:)
 
awwh. sorry to hear about your rough day the other day Rexie. but I'm glad things are doing better for you now.

and totallyscrappy is TOTALLY right. :D hehehe. okay enough bad puns... focus on the positive. you can do this. come on. I'll even do it with you. I'm 280 now too. we'll race to our goals together!! :)
 
Your doing great, stay positive and don't let the bad days get you down, just remember the lesson learned and move on to a better day tomorrow. :)
 
Thanks

thanks for the support ya'll!;) I'll take you up on that race Initial_C. I haven't weighed now in about a week and I'm nervous about getting on the scales but I guess I'll do that in the morning. :rolleyes:

I did exceptionally well today. One of my favorite nieces got married this evening. It was only a small wedding in a small chapel. No reception. Afterwards we went out to eat at one of the bride and grooms favorite places~~Cracker Barrel. I was proud of myself as several of the folks with us ordered dessert. I was surprised that I didn't even have a craving for any:) . Tomorrow we will be having a bar-b-q at my sister's house in honor of the couple. Another niece is making blonde brownies:eek: ~~~~one of my very favorite things. If you believe in prayer please send one up for me! I'm afraid if I go determined not to eat any of these I may feel really stressed and give in, then hate myself afterwards. On the other hand, if I go and give myself permission to eat one then maybe I won't even want one. Then I ask myself "Am I trying to rationalize, make an excuse ahead of time for failing????"
Oh my, I've got to stop obsessing and being so negative!!!!
Then Sunday morning before the couple leaves for a short honeymoon we are having a breakfast for them at my mom's. That will be easy.......I think! I will make sure there is yogurt and fresh fruit available.

:) Thanks again for the support! :)​
 
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