Relationship Advice

T

tiadhani

New member
I'm kind of torn in a situation here, not sure how to feel about something, kind of a long explanation, sorry.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a lot older than me, he's 37 and I'm only 22. He has never really had a real gf, dated lots all very short term but that's how he liked it. Just in the last 3-4 years all his good friends went from being single to married (one with kids) very quick all together and he finally decided that maybe he should be looking for something to. Well, then we met and 2 years later here we are. The thing is, I'd like to get married some day, I'm not talking tomorrow, but he is still unsure, after 2 years of a great relationship if he wants to even get married at all let alone marry me. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. We've tried to talk about it lately and it always ends up with him saying something he doesn't mean or I take it the wrong way (apparently) and I just get upset. I feel like he wants me to just wait forever for him to even decide if he wants the same things. I would have no problem waiting for him to be ready for actual marriage (although at 37..how long do you really want to wait?) but for him to say he doesn't even know if he wants to be married just bothers me. As bad as it sounds I feel like he should be thinking he's lucky. I'm young, and successful and I mean I'm not exactly ugly, guys are interested in me all over the place, and he had a pretty hard time finding someone he was interested in and someone who was interested in him. I'm such a good girlfriend to him, I really don't get it. And it makes me so upset thinking about it because it's like well.. I do so much for him, love him, accept him as he is, yet he still doesn't even know if he wants a life with me? I'm young yes, but I don't want to spend another 2-3 years with someone for them to suddenly decided that no, they don't want to get married, then I'm 25-26 and need to start all over? It takes time to find the right person, build bonds, etc. But then I don't want to say to my boyfriend well you have to decide or it's over, like I hate ultimatums. I just know that staying him and compromising isn't going to work. I will be unhappy and resentful and it will end badly, or it'll turn into so many other relationships with cheating and lies and I don't want that at all. I really don't know what to do. Advice?
 
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Sounds like he is just not caught up in the whole marriage thing. I have to admit that I am the same. I don't need a piece of paper from the government to prove how I feel about someone. Just because everyone else gets married by a certain age etc does not mean you have to.

I am with your boyfriend here and if you kept pushing me about getting married I would suggest you move on to someone that was also obsessed with getting married.

Take people for who they are, if who they are does not work with who you are then look for someone else
 
Just for the record I haven't been pushing him to do anything, I simply have been trying to talk to him about what he wants in life. I've even said that if those aren't the things he wants than that is compeltely fine but maybe we aren't the right match for eachother.

I understand it's not fair for me to say Marry me or I'm gone, but it's also not fair for him to know the things I want out of life and string me along thinking that we're going to end up at the same conclusion if that's not even a possibility.
 
But just because he doesnt know if he ever wants to get married or not doesnt mean he is stringing you along. If he didnt want to be with you then he wouldnt be with you.

Some people see marriage as a commitment that needs to be made in order to prove your intention of staying with someone forever and I dont see anything wrong with that. By the same token some people dont see the need to have a piece of paper to prove that they intend staying with someone forever and I have no problem with that either.

I would get married if I planned on having children as I think it shows you are prepared to do whatever it takes to provide a stable environment in which to raise children.

Outside of having children I personally dont see the need for marriage in my life. Especially when I hear of more and more people getting divorced. It appears to be pretty easy to get married and divorced and so getting married is not an assurance you will be together forever.

Think of it this way... if he was trying to string you along it would be much easier for him to put a cheap engagement ring on your finger to stop you asking questions and then just string you along for years and not get married. To me it seems that he just doesnt see marriage as a priority for him right now and has no real desire to give much time to the discussion. I think you should respect his honesty and be thankful he is not just telling you what you want to hear to string you along.
 
This is all about knowing what you want and how important it is to you. If marriage is really important to you & you don't imagine a future without it then I'm afraid, right now, you and your partner are not compatible.

You can't change him and you may not want to change your expectations either.

Your options are:
1. Explain how you feel & give him time to change his mind.
2. Explain how you feel & move one.
3. Change your expectations (if you truly can).

Any questions about why he doesn't want to marry you are irrelevant. That's not about you, that is simply his choice in life.

But at 22 you still have a lot of time to decide what you want and hope for in a partner. The most important thing to learn at this stage is that people have many different life plans and it is important to find someone who has similar plans and objectives.
 
tiadhani said:
I'm kind of torn in a situation here, not sure how to feel about something, kind of a long explanation, sorry.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a lot older than me, he's 37 and I'm only 22. He has never really had a real gf, dated lots all very short term but that's how he liked it. Just in the last 3-4 years all his good friends went from being single to married (one with kids) very quick all together and he finally decided that maybe he should be looking for something to. Well, then we met and 2 years later here we are. The thing is, I'd like to get married some day, I'm not talking tomorrow, but he is still unsure, after 2 years of a great relationship if he wants to even get married at all let alone marry me. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. We've tried to talk about it lately and it always ends up with him saying something he doesn't mean or I take it the wrong way (apparently) and I just get upset. I feel like he wants me to just wait forever for him to even decide if he wants the same things. I would have no problem waiting for him to be ready for actual marriage (although at 37..how long do you really want to wait?) but for him to say he doesn't even know if he wants to be married just bothers me. As bad as it sounds I feel like he should be thinking he's lucky. I'm young, and successful and I mean I'm not exactly ugly, guys are interested in me all over the place, and he had a pretty hard time finding someone he was interested in and someone who was interested in him. I'm such a good girlfriend to him, I really don't get it. And it makes me so upset thinking about it because it's like well.. I do so much for him, love him, accept him as he is, yet he still doesn't even know if he wants a life with me? I'm young yes, but I don't want to spend another 2-3 years with someone for them to suddenly decided that no, they don't want to get married, then I'm 25-26 and need to start all over? It takes time to find the right person, build bonds, etc. But then I don't want to say to my boyfriend well you have to decide or it's over, like I hate ultimatums. I just know that staying him and compromising isn't going to work. I will be unhappy and resentful and it will end badly, or it'll turn into so many other relationships with cheating and lies and I don't want that at all. I really don't know what to do. Advice?
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Don't take this the wrong way...but you talk a lot about being married and not a lot about what he brings to your life. I may be able to offer some advice but...

what are the top 5 things that you love about him?
 
He's an amazing person and I love being with him, we have similar interests, make eachother laugh, have great chemistry (sexually and just in life), his family is great, he gets along with my family, he makes me laugh, he's awesome with my dogs, he's caring and sweet, he's a great provider (although we do share expenses) I mean I could go on forever. He is a bit of an emotional introvert but he's made a lot of improvements, just feels more comfortable with me now I guess, sometimes it takes a bit longer for him to open up but when its important he'll talk.

I think it's more that it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him? Or that I'm not doing something right. Everyone that knows us thinks he should be latching on to me anyway he can, and even if he said to me, yah one day I picture that for us, then fine, one day could be 10 years from now that's not my issue, to me it just seems like to have a relationship for 2 years, without any real big fights besides stupid little things like driving and not unloading the dishwasher, wouldn't you know at that point if you wanted a life with someone? Or know if you wanted to be married at all. We live together and do all the things a married couple does, Did I maybe to do much for him to soon and now he dosen't see the point because he gets all of it anyways?

Marriage is important to me, my parents married young and had tough times but when my father was sick and he needed someone my mom was right there beside him 100% of the way, I was taught to never give up on your partner no matter what, that there was always a way to work things out. I realize that marriage is just a piece of paper and it doesn't mean it's going to last forever but it's important to me. I'm not asking him to change who he is, or do something he's not ready for, I'm looking for an honest opinion, "I don't know" isn't going to work forever.

I'm not at the point where I'm going to say you have to agree to this or I'm leaving. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, I just want to know that I'm not in a relationship that has no future, that will eventually have to end because each person wants to go a different direction. I would not ask him, or force him into something that he isn't comfortable with, but on the same note, I can't ask myself to settle for less than I want either.
 
tiadhani said:
Everyone that knows us thinks he should be latching on to me anyway he can
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why? maybe he feels confident enough and happy enough as an individual and does not need to "latch on to" anyone, I would think that is a positive attribute.

I mean absolutely no offense by this but I went out with a girl for 3 years and she started talking like you are in this thread and we soon split up. She wanted me to say "yes at some point I will want to get married" and I couldnt say that. I cant even say what I will be doing next week nevermind several years in the future.

The girl I am currently seeing was made aware of my lack of interest in marriage very early on and she doesnt really care about it either. If we decide to have children we will get married but other than that I dont think it is in our future.
 
I never said he should, I was simply stating what other people have said, I do admire that about him.

I don't see why it's such a big deal for me to ask him about it. I'm not pressuring him to do it right now, I'm simply saying that this is something I want in my future, wether it's 2 years from now or 5. If he has no intention to ever get married then I think it would be best for both of us to find someone that shares the same life goals, as you do with your new partner. I respect his opinions and what he wants and I do love him but it's not fair that I have to give up something just to be with him, he's not willing to compromise for me, why should I for him?

Getting married is something that is important to me, sure it's not important to everyone but just because it isn't doesn't mean that I'm wrong to want it.
 
Gosh this is such a fascinating subject. It seems to be 'problematic' for so many of us these days. I know that a lot of people in my surroundings don't particularly want to get married even though they are faithful, committed, etc. Part of me wants to agree with ForRealThisTime although I totally feel for you, tiadhani. If I met the man of my dreams and he said he loved me but didn't want to marry me, I'd wonder, why?

Why exactly is the official married status so vital to you? Is it because it is expected in your surroundings? because you like things to be formal and official because it is securing? (and I don't mean this as an insult; i tend to be like this myself :) )? ...after all, divorce does exist, so marriage does not guarantee anything... Why do you feel as though commitment through words and actions isn't enough to constitute a 'serious' relationship?

You know, a guy once told me, that he didn't want to get married because he didn't want to feel like he had to be with someone; he wanted to want to be with someone. Sure, he was trying to get into my pants (lol), but what he said stuck with me.
 
I dont think its such a big deal you asking him about it, thats perfectly normal and it is good to chat about stuff that is important to you.

I guess you hit the nail on the head with this line "If he has no intention to ever get married then I think it would be best for both of us to find someone that shares the same life goals, as you do with your new partner"

We all look upon subjects in different ways and I think it is interesting that you would refer to getting married as a "life goal". Your concern over this matter is making more sense to me now. Everyone has goals in their lives that they wish to fulfill and as we get a little older we realise there is only so much time to achieve these goals. I would have never thought of marriage as a goal though and I think your boyfriend might be in the same frame of mind. It is something that might happen or might not happen but I have never listed it as one of my goals in life. It kind of seems like having a goal of meeting someone to spend the rest of my life with, I dont believe it is something that you can plan or try to achieve, it just happens.

I think it is important to align yourself with people who do not hinder your efforts at realising your goals and full potential as that breads contempt. Unfortunately this may be the case in your current situation.
 
I realize it's a hard topic to give advice on, I'm seeing that now as I ask a few different people and get very different answers.

Maybe Goal wasn't the right word but it's not something that I want to not be an option at all. Getting married is important to me but buying a BMW isn't, everyone has different things in life they wish to achieve that make them feel like they've accomplished things in life, if that makes any sense.

I'm definetly aware that marriage does not in any way garuntee anything, just like buying an expense car dosen't garuntee that it will not break, but people still do it, and it's still important to people. I realize comparing marriage to a car is dumb I'm just trying to say that somethings that are important to one person (for whatever reason) aren't important to other people, and I definetly respect that, but it doesn't mean I'm ready (at this point) to give up something that I want.

To me; the more insight I get I think all he needs is time to feel comfortable with the idea. Two years in the long run of things isn't that long, and for someone so new to everything I can see that it might be intimidating, and I appreciate his honesty much more than him just caving and saying yes one day to avoid an argument if that isn't how he really feels.

Appreciate all the input : )
 
tiadhani said:
Advice?
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This is what happens when you date someone who is 15 years apart from you in age. There's nothing wrong with it and just because you have a huge age difference, it doesn't mean that you can't make your relationship work. But, you two are in completely different places in life and with that huge level of seperation comes a lot of problems.

You have to look at it this way...

From using the information you have provided, it seems that you started dating him when you were 20 years old. When you were 20, he was 35. He is "this close" to being TWICE your age - which is a HUUUUUGE deal. I mean, when you started dating him, you were still a year away from being able to buy alcohol (legally). At that point, he had already been buying alcohol for 14 years. When you were born, he was finishing his first year in high school. He's just a year or two away from being able to have a daughter your age. Seriously, think about that. Your age difference can be a HUUUUUGE deal.

So, I would suggest talking to him about this. Confront him. Don't beat around the bush - just confront him and be blunt. "Do you ever want to get married?" Anything but a "yes" from him is a "no".

Also, keep in mind that he's not thinking about marriage or your relationship in the same way that you are. Once again...the age difference. He's 35, so he's not getting caught up in the youthful mindset of how magical and fantastical that marriage can be. He's too old to have a youthful mentality on things. He could very well be sitting there thinking...

"Shit...I'm 35 and she's only 22. When I'm 65 years old, she'll only be 50. At that point, I could be unable to move around much, but she might still be lively and outgoing. My health could go to shit while she's still young enough to want to be active. I might not be able to be sexually active, but she'll probably still be very, very excited and energetic about her sex life. I might not be able to satisfy her and she might leave me. Or, she might just cheat on me, because I'll be unable to perform sexually.

I could die while she's still relatively young. Do I really want to put her in that situation? Do I really want to cause her to be stuck with a man who is nothing but a burden to her? No, I don't want to be that guy - I CAN'T be that guy. I can't marry her knowing that I could become a huge burden on her life while she's still young enough to want to live."

And, let's assume that he retires when he's 62. If he retires at that age, you'd only be 47. So, for the next 15 years (assuming that you'd retire at 62 as well), you'd be the only one working. He'd be chilling at home, because he would've put in his time, and you'd still be out working. He might feel useless doing that. He might not have any self worth at that point, because his wife would be doing all of the work. He might not feel "like a man". And, he could also get scared that you'd resent him for not working, even though he earned his retirement.

There are plenty of things that your age difference can effect - not just how many candles are on your birthday cake. And, in all seriousness, he might be having those kind of thoughts. Honestly? If I was in his situation, I'd be thinking those things. But, I'm not him. None of us here are. That's why you have to confront HIM about this and find out exaaaactly what his feelings are. Don't beat around the bush either - just be straight forward and blunt with him. Find out exactly what his feelings are and find out if he wants the same things that you do. We could sit here all day, giving you advice and encouragement, but it's not going to do you any good. You need to talk to him.

Good luck.
 
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I was reading through this thread and found it very interesting. I had to comment on the age difference being a "HUUUGE" deal. I disagree completely. I have been dating a guy 13 years older than me for 3 years and he is the love of my life. He is my best friend and I am his. He makes me want to be a better person. He is a truly wonderful man and we will get married one day. I was 23 and he was 36 when we started dating. Other than some social references I can't say the age difference ever comes up. It's the PERSON that matters not their age. You can't help who you fall in love with and sometimes you find your other half and it just works.

In regards to marriage...i agree with previous posts. You have to accept if he doesn't want to get married. If that is a deal breaker so be it. One thing I have learned is that you can't change a person. They are who they are. If you try to change them you'll just end up dissapointed.

It's a tough situation. I hope things work out for you...
 
From my experience, confidence is a must.

It doesn't matter how you look, how much you weigh, etc. It all depends on how much confidence and self esteem you have in yourself. I guarantee you that this is the solution - weight / looks / etc. does not matter as much as your confidence.

J
 
*siiiggghh* marriage can and cant be what its all cracked up to be, its not an assurance that the person wont cheat on you, its just a piece of paper, the things that essentially would build a marriage can be achieved without a marriage, i understand as a female you always want that wedding you always dreamed of but that wont give you the long term lasting effects of a good relationshp, im married, seperated, and im not saying this because im bitter, im not im at peace with the situation we actually still live together till we are fiancially stable to move our seperate ways to assure our son is always has a stable life, we actually dont fight now that we decided the seperation was pretty much needed, now we arent going out dating people but anyways things arent always what they seem even for children we got married because i was pregnant tho we had been together for 3 years prior to that, engaged only a year into dating, its a wonderful idea to say this is my husband, but you can enjoy this long lasting relationship with someone you truly love without the hoohaa of marriage as well as spending so much money on a wedding ( i didnt do that tho) now almost 7 years later we are splitting, anyways im babbling but the idea of marriage is just a piece of paper.
 
Hello tiadhani...my advice will be that you need to have a long conversation with your BF to find out if he really cares for you. If he does, he will answer positively. If need be, he might ask for some time. But if he insists on the same thing.... then you got to decide by yourself about this.
 
Has it occurred to you that he's probably worried if he can be able to provide well for his family? Just give him time and just be thankful that he doesn't cheat on you and loves you the same even without marriage yet. He just maybe doesn't want to ask you to marry him yet just because his friends are already taken, but because he's waiting for that moment that's both right for you...when he's financially and emotionally capable to give it to you.
It might help if you ask him why he does not feel comfortable to still get settled. People usually have valid reasons in spite being faithful to their partners. I hope that helps.
 
talk it over, maybe all you need to is to sort things out and get a clearer view of what may work. communication is important you probably won't have gone through all these years if the relationship isn't worth it.
 
:)

A lot of people make 15 years age difference work. But at the end of the day, just because he is comfortable with a girlfriend that's that much younger, it doesn't mean he wants a wife that much younger. There are issues with such age difference that you guys might not be able to see just yet, and maybe he is afraid of that.
In my opinion, if you are a woman who knows you want to get married and be a wife, then never give a guy more then a year and a half without at least finding out if he ever wants to get married. It's a huge waste of your time, and basically you are going to be spending your days asking questions that will never have a straight answer, and you will be made to feel horrible because you want to know. ( Sounds like that is already happening to you).
When you enter a relationship you need to know what eachother's bottom lines are. This becomes even more important as you get older. If you don't want the same things in life, what is the point?
 
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